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I love my husband but have feelings for his friend

The title says it all, but please let me explain. I know most of you might think wow that is messed up and I agree it is, but I have never said anything to anyone or acted on any thoughts or feeling towards this other man, this is the first time I am ‘saying it out loud’ in a way and it’s tearing me up inside. I know I am only human, to have physical attraction or ‘crushes’ is normal and quite common when in a relationship but that usually all it is, but im in such a tricky situation and I don’t know how to switch these feelings off, I don’t even think it’s that simple. I’m not looking for judgement I am already hard on myself as it is, but rather someone who might share a similar story to mine.

I have been with my husband for 11 years and been married for 1 year and have children together. We had our ups and downs at the start and finally things settled on an even ground so to speak. I do love my husband, he’s a great partner in crime, an amazing dad and he does make me laugh. But we do also have a lot of differences too, we have worked on a lot of them in our relationship and it’s not been easy for both of us especially with my dad leaving me at a young age and not having much contact/if any with him since. Trust was also hard for me and there had been times in the beginning of our relationship when trust had been tested numerous times with my husband fears of him leaving and him doing so twice, almost three times, but ultimately we got back together or I stayed with him because I loved him and trust issues around other girls, but never actually cheated so to speak. Now I find myself in this position where I’m not cheating out loud if that makes sense. It’s in my head and my heart and I feel guilty about it but I also wonder what if?

To give some context on the other man in question, I actually meet him way back when I first started dated my now husband. They went to the same tafe together, however we never really talked or knew too much about each other. Fast forward many years and my now husband is working with him and he was then brought very much into our lives. The real kicker is he is very good friends with my husband, he was in our wedding and is boss at work. It sounds horrible even saying this, but that is how it is.

The more we hung out all together (him and his gf as well) the more we just clicked, we have so much in common with each other, we would talk for ages long after his gf and my husband had stopped interacting so to speak. (Went on phones, watched tv, went to bed etc) We share the same sense of humour, we’re both quite weird in a good way and I am physically attracted to him but the more I get to know him the more emotionally attracted to him I am.

If you put it on paper he would be everything I would want to be my “dream guy” and he is just genuinely kind, thoughtful honest and caring and that is just the person he is, it’s not a front or anything. I never met anyone like him.

I’m not sure if I have these feelings for him because we bond on a deeper emotional level than me and my husband do. He has had alot of family issues too and comes from a broken home and not a great relationship with his dad.

We are always sending snapchats to each other or having conversations through that. We do flirt with each other and often we do do it in front of our significant other, most of the time it’s harmless flirty banter but I do wonder sometimes if there is anything behind it. I could be reading into it or reading into when he hugs me it’s longer than you normally hug someone. It’s painful to write because I sound like a teenager but I am an adult.

He has never said anytime to me or done anything to give the hint that he fancy’s me or has feelings for me and this could definitely be all one sided. He is a very romantic person and so am I, which only makes me more attracted to him.

My husband does do nice things for me and with me but he’s not a romantic person and I almost feel a bit shut off with him because he just doesn’t talk about his feeling and sometimes I feel like mine get shut off and he doesn’t validate how I feel, or even listen at times. I feel when we do spend time together he’s almost distracted by work but mostly by his phone and like he’s not really interested.

My relationship isn’t perfect I have felt times when I have been unhappy, disconnected etc but it’s definitely not awful. We have had some wonder times and we still do. I’m just at a loss here. I don’t wanna leave my husband either and there has not been strong evidence either that the other man feels anything towards me either and he is in a long term relationship too.

I have had physical attractions or crushes before and they usually pass, this one has not. I feel like I’m getting all up in my head and I just don’t know what to do.

Please be kind, I’m already so lost.

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