“Extreme confusion over breakup”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hi all, My girlfriend and I split up last week and I’m finding it all extremely confusing, with lots of different emotions and thoughts in my head. Hoping someone can shed some light. We got together just over year ago and I think I knew she had issues with relationships and intimacy when she’d explained things about her past relationships: she had seen those relationships as temporary and never considered they might last, she craved a lot of alone time etc. With me, she was totally different. At first and seemingly for a while, she couldn’t get enough of me - it may have just been the honeymoon phase but she assured me she’d never felt this way about anyone before, and it was totally different. I admittedly do suffer depression and low self esteem sometimes so I did have a hard time believing this; I had a voice at the back of my head with niggling doubts as I was afraid of getting hurt, but we carried on and had an amazing time together with lots of laughs, intimacy and fun. She met my family, I met hers, it was great. Then the old ways started to creep back in at the 6 month mark, as she said we were spending too much time together (a few nights a week) and she was losing sight of herself, she thought it was unhealthy to talk as much as we did. Just FYI I wasn’t talking to her 24/7 and still maintained good friendships throughout all of this. She said she wished we’d slowed it down from the start even though she was the one who first said ‘I love you’ (2 months in!) and kept saying she didn’t want anyone else, but also didn’t like the ‘girlfriend’ label until I put my foot down and said if we are exclusive then she must be my girlfriend. Anyway, after she said all this about losing herself I felt very hurt and backed off, only to have her resume the relationship as before; I’d tell her she was free to go home if she didn’t want to stay the night and she’d tell me she missed me. I felt like I was getting mixed messages which annoyed, hurt and confused me. She explained a lot of it was guilt - maybe she sensed her desire for excessive space hurt me. She then discovered her parents were going to get a divorce which I think triggered her own depression (which she has had for a long time and is on medication for). I noticed a change in her from then on, our sex life suffered and I grew increasingly insecure. She’d lost her spark and I didn’t know if it was me, her parents, her desire for space or a combination of things. Either way I felt unwanted. Long story short, we tried and tried and put a lot of effort in but the last few months all I can say is she shut me out. She couldn’t handle us having arguments and would completely shut down, unable to talk and kept referencing how when her parents spoke to her the same thing happened. The more I pushed the more she pulled away, til I finally gave her space (all the while I was riddled with anxiety) but said I’d be there for her and loved her loads, but I realised she’d just mentally checked out. We actually ended it over the phone in the end as I said enough is enough, this isn’t a relationship and she said she agreed and can’t give me what I want. Now she says she’s convinced we are just in different stages of our life: I know I want a committed relationship with future plans, she just doesn’t know what she wants but kept saying she did want me. Every time I talk to her she feels attacked and like I criticise her; if I say what behaviour of hers I struggle with, she says that she can’t handle hearing how much of a rubbish person she is. I obviously haven’t said that but that is how she hears it. Anyway, she now says she wants to go and work on herself but to stay in touch as she cares about me and doesn’t want to close off the chance of us making it work once she’s in a better mental place. But for me, being the cynic/realist I am, I just think it’s unrealistic to expect everything to perfectly align and I can’t hold on to the hope we will get back together because the breakup has already hurt me so much - if we reconciled only for it to fail again I’d have to heal again and I don’t feel able to put myself through unnecessary pain. Now I flit obsessively between I want us to work, she’s the one, I deserve better, it wasn’t healthy. I’m going mad over it. We met to exchange stuff the other day and spent four hours together. It was like girl I fell in love with was back for a bit - she kissed and cuddled and wouldn’t let go and I let her because I love her, but I came away more confused than I was going in. She said she’d go get some professional help and I said to look me up if she works out what she wants. She said we couldn’t speak for one week then we’d take it from there. I spoke to my friends who said it sounded more like a break than a breakup, but when I clarified this with her she said it was a breakup - I then couldn’t clock why she was kissing me and everything and she said it was to say goodbye. But she’s also said she’ll be there for me if I really need her which I don’t think is going to work because how can we heal? I guess I won’t know anything until some time has passed but I spoke to her yesterday and said I don’t want to not talk for a week and potentially go back to square one of all the breakup pain if we talk again at that point. I said it’s easier in my mind if I treat this as permanent and told her not to talk to me. She asked if we would remain friends on Facebook, I said I don’t know. I just don’t know what her motives are. She sounds extremely confused so maybe there’s no point trying to suss out what she wants when she doesn’t know herself. Sorry it’s such a long post - only as I read it now can I see how crazy the whole thing has been. Any tips for navigating this? Should I expect to never hear from her again? Is it beyond hope? Would people ever reconcile after years apart? (She thinks this is how long she’ll need to get past her issues)
Ask the community | breakups
“How do I leave him?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I've been in a relationship with a borderline alcoholic with a narcissistic personality for about 3 and a half years. We live together but spent the last month apart. I went to stay with my mum with my two cats and left him the flat. His drinking has become a huge problem and a year ago I received a serious health diagnosis which I've been trying to come to terms with. The main problem is that he is more interested in going to the pub with his mates than helping me cope with all this. It got to a point where he was coming back late at night completed drunk, waking me up or making me wait up before I could cook dinner for us because he hadn't phoned to let me know he was going to be home late, tripping over the cats and being a general nuisance. My health condition was brought on by extreme stress and he is only adding to that. If I am suddenly ill and have to go to hospital, I can't rely on him to be able to care for me or even be sober enough to call for an ambulance. I'm back temporarily but I asked him to still give me my space. That includes sleeping in separate rooms. So far I've been packing my things down into boxes because I don't want to/can't afford to live in our flat anymore. I want to move back to my home town, which he has known about for a long time because I told him before our break. What I'm finding now is that he's not actually respecting my boundaries and is now actively looking for flats in my home town for both of us to live in. What he's not understood is the fact I don't want to be with him at all and I want to move on my own. I'm trying really hard to not disrupt the peace in our flat at the moment as it just creates a volatile environment for not only me but the cats too. I've considered just taking a day off work when I know he won't be at home and just moving all my stuff out. After that I'd tell him it was over when he can't do anything to stop me. Has anyone got any advice?
Ask the community | breakups, big changes
“Ugly divorce”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I'm 35 years old and currently in the first stage of divorcing after recently deciding that my relationship of 13 years (7 years married) had to end. In the last 3-4 years my wife and me really grew apart and have started living separate lives. Whereas we were able to have good conversations in the past, this has been completely absent in the last years, years where personally I needed to be understood by my partner as I was facing a lot of stress due to work and an international transfer. At the same point in time we got our first child together which obviously added to the stress levels, and changed the way we were around each other. I have tried many times to tell her that I was missing attention from her, even though I eventually (this took me 6-12 months after birth) understood that the dynamics of our relationship had changed due to the introduction of our daughter. Unfortunately things did not improve at all, and we got into more and more fights (with words only, never any physical action), which led me to take more distance from her at the end of last year. This increased distance opened the door for me to make a mistake I had never thought I would make, I had an affair for a good 3 months. The affair has now ended, as we had started to seriously talk about us in the last few month. A process in which I confessed to her that I had an affair, and that my reason of initiating it was that I had already given up on our relationship. In this period we spoke a lot about the feelings we experienced in the last few years, and tried our best to have more time just for us. (so arranging childcare to be alone together). But even though talking about everything felt good and helped to relieve built up stress, it did not help me to get back some of the feelings I had for her. In the entire period I had very sparse moments where I felt there was an opportunity to move on, versus the vast majority of the time feeling it had to end. Two weeks ago I took the decision of completely ending our relationship as I have no more feelings for my wife, and am unable to see us having a happy and good future together for the next 40 years. As we are too distant from each other and don't really have shared interests. This decision caused a massive change in her behavior towards me, and she hasn't spoken a normal word to me since. The few times I have tried to speak about things, this immediately (give or take 30 seconds) escalated into shouting from her side, even with our young daughter present. The only thing she will tell me is: speak to my lawyer. At present the situation at home can best be described as absolute hell, we completely ignore each other and can't even be in the same room without her starting to be hostile. Therefore I have started to move out to a room in the neighborhood, hoping that more time apart might help to settle things down, whilst still being close enough to be able to assist with anything if required. I want the best for our daughter in the future and feel we need to make good arrangements about everything in order to accommodate her as good as we can. But I really struggle with my wife's behaviour as this makes it impossible to discuss potential arrangements in good fashion. Probably I need to give her more time to calm down, but she want to rush things and get divorced asap to get rid of me. What are my options here?
Ask the community | breakups, big changes