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How to get over a breakup
Almost everyone at some point in their life will suffer from a relationship breakdown or breakup. This can happen for many different reasons, such as incompatibility, loss of love, or lack of trust. No two breakups are ever the same. Whether it was you or your partner who initiated the breakup, you may experience a range of feelings in the days, weeks and months following the breakup – sadness, anger, loss, betrayal, and sometimes even relief. No matter the length of the relationship, even if it was only just a few weeks, the breakup can still hurt and cause pain. There are many things which can affect how well you cope after a breakup and how well you heal and move on with your life. Factors which can hinder your ability to cope with the breakup might include: Experience. If your experience of the breakup and the events surrounding it was traumatic, the healing process may take a little longer. Avoidance. If you don’t allow yourself to process or think about what happened, the healing process may take longer. Distraction. The use of unhelpful coping mechanisms like abuse of substances and alcohol aren’t a helpful or permanent fix as they also don’t allow you to fully process what happened. The only way to really ‘cure’ the feelings and experiences following a breakup is to work through it and process what happened. Uncertainty. You might be keen to find answers on why the relationship broke down, and with good reason. People who understand the reasons surrounding a breakup tend to adjust faster than those who don’t [1]. However, if you're planning to get in contact with your ex-partner, make sure you have thought it through and approach the situation in an amicable manner, to prevent any more distress. Self-blame. This can often follow a lack of clarity around why the relationship broke down. Shared things. You might have shared friends, shared belongings, or even children and pets and the discussion of who keeps what can make things more difficult. Again, things need to be kept amicable to prevent more pain not only for yourself but anyone else involved. But there are measures which can be taken to help your levels of coping and healing following a breakup and help you to feel more like yourself again: Allow yourself the time to understand and process the relationship breakdown and your emotions which follow. Give yourself to grieve from the loss of your relationship. Meet up with friends and family. Getting support is a great way to aid your healing and process the breakup. Those who receive social or professional support following a breakup tend to cope better [1]. Try to get back into hobbies or things you may not have done as much since getting into the relationship. Self-time and care can help you feel more like yourself. Treat yourself. Do something enjoyable, just for you. Take the time to exercise, even if only a little, like a walk outdoors. Exercise has been shown to be beneficial to improving wellbeing and mood [2]. It can also clear your mind and help you reset. Healing after a breakup will take time and can’t be done overnight. There's no set length of time it should take to heal after a breakup and as long your way of coping is healthy you will get through it. However, if you still feel as though you’re struggling to cope, don't be afraid to reach out to a professional. They will be able to guide you through the healing process and aid you in coping and understanding any feelings you still have. By Tamara Almond-Lockett References [1] Barutçu. K, Adjustment to breakup of romantic relationships: initiator status, certainty about the reasons of breakup, current relationship status and perceived social support, 2009. [2] Klaperski, S., Koch, E., Hewel, D., Schempp, A., & Müller, J. (2019). Optimizing mental health benefits of exercise: The influence of the exercise environment on acute stress levels and wellbeing. Mental Health and Prevention, 15, 7. doi:
Article | breakups
Consent orders: your questions answered
1. What is a consent order? A consent order is the legal document that sets out the financial arrangements between you and your partner when you are divorcing. It can detail what will happen to property, savings, pensions or debts, and whether one of you will pay the other a regular payment to help with living costs. It can also end future financial claims against each of you by the other. It is legally binding, and the court can enforce the order if one of you does not do what is agreed. 2. Won’t our financial ties be cut when we get divorced or end our civil partnership? No. You will still be financially tied to each other, even if you have been divorced or separated for many years. If you remarry, you will forfeit your claims against your partner, and vice versa. 3. Can you get a consent order if you’re living together? No. If you live together, then you can have a separation agreement to set out what will happen to your finances. A separation agreement is different to a consent order because it is not legally binding (meaning the court can’t enforce it).If you live together and have children, then you can still claim child maintenance from your partner. Find out more here on the government website. 4.What else does the court need to sign off a consent order? For the court to sign off your consent order you will need to provide the following;A. A financial snapshot of your assets, debts, pensions and income for you, your ex and any children you have together. This is called a ‘statement of information’ or form D81. The figures you’ll need to include are: the equity in any property, savings, investments business assets, pensions, and your income after tax (net).B. Details of how you’ll divide the finances and arrange any child or spousal maintenance and pension sharing details. This is called the Financial Remedy Order (or Order, or Consent Order). This document will need to be drafted by a trained legal professional.C. If you are sharing or splitting a pension, you will also need a Pension Sharing Order (called Penson Sharing Annex, form P1) that sets out how much pension will be shared between you. This is a separate document to your consent order and will need to be sent to your pension company along with your sealed consent order.D. You will need to complete a Form A, to ask the court to consider your finances.E. It is also advisable to send an explanation to the court about how and why you’ve come to that agreement. You have to demonstrate that you understand how the law works in relation to marital assets. 5. When do you get a consent order? You can apply for a consent order either at the same time as divorcing or dissolving your civil partnership or after your divorce or dissolution. You cannot get a consent order before starting your divorce or dissolution proceeding. The earliest opportunity that you’ll be able to submit your financial agreement to the court is at Decree Nisi stage. 6. Can a judge turn down a consent order? Yes. If a judge feels the arrangement is unfair on one person, the order will be rejected. Sometimes a judge will ask for more information and you can write a letter of explanation. At other times the judge may order a short hearing to hear from both of you as to why you feel your settlement is fair.   7. What is a clean break consent order? It’s a type of consent order used if there are no finances to sort out now but you want to end all future claims against each other. This is usually used if you don’t have any finances to sort out, or if you have already split your finances. You will still both need to give the court a snapshot of your finances (the financial disclosure). 8. Can I do a consent order myself? No, not unless you’re legally trained. Nowadays. It is relatively straightforward to file a divorce online via the government’s website, but you do need to be legally trained to draw up the legal documentation that makes up a consent order. 9. Do you need a solicitor or lawyer to divorce? No. If you’ve already agreed on what you want to do or even if you need some help with negotiating your finances, you don’t have to involve lawyers if you don’t want to. There are plenty of divorce services companies who offer consent order services. However, if you’d like to know what you’re entitled to, or if there are any danger signs (e.g. hiding assets, or domestic violence) then you should protect yourself by getting a good divorce lawyer. You can find a list of family law and divorce law professionals at Resolution. 10. How much does it cost to get a consent order? The range of getting a consent order starts from hundreds of pounds, but can go all the way up to hundreds of thousands if you’re not in agreement and end up in court. There is also a £50 court fee for filing a consent order. If you need help deciding what route is best suited to your personal situation, get free divorce advice from our partners at amicable.
Article | divorce, consent orders
Unhappy but scared of being alone
Despite our best efforts, we sometimes find ourselves in relationships that aren’t working. We’ve made compromises, tried new things, and even changed other areas of our lives to accommodate the relationship, but it still doesn’t seem to fix things. When you absolutely know that a relationship isn’t working, it might seem like the obvious solution is to end things and move on. However, if the idea of not being in a relationship feels scarier than being in a bad relationship, you may find yourself clinging onto something that isn’t good for you. Committing to a relationship is a big decision, and one that has to be made several times over the course of the relationship. As things progress, you reassess – if it’s still making you happy, you carry on; if it’s not, you make adjustments, or you end the relationship. Making a commitment involves a range of factors. As well as thinking about how good the relationship is, you also have to consider the rest of your life. Think about your opportunities and your obligations, such as whether you are planning to move away or if you have work or study commitments that require a lot of your time. Consider also how well supported you feel in the relationship, and how much support you have available to offer in return [1]. Remaining in a relationship isn’t always the right decision. The quality of your relationship affects every other area of your life so, while a good relationship is almost always worth fighting for, a relationship that hurts you could be doing more damage than you’re aware of. Many people remain in unsatisfying relationships because of a fear of being alone. This is known as attachment anxiety [2]. For someone with attachment anxiety, the need to have a partner can feel more important than the quality of the relationship itself. There’s a sense of security, often misplaced, that comes from simply being in a relationship, even if that relationship causes you more pain than it’s worth [1]. People with attachment anxiety are more likely to settle for an unhappy relationship. If you’re afraid of being alone, you’re more likely to ignore the more negative aspects of a relationship and put your energy into something that’s not working [2]. This might seem like optimism but it could leave you stuck in an unhealthy situation for longer than necessary. One sign that you might have attachment anxiety is if you tend to make more of the relationship status than the relationship quality [2]. Think about the early stages of relationships you’ve been in. After a few dates, do you find yourself anxious to start using words like ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’? This phase can be exciting but when the labels start to outweigh the quality, it might be a clue that being in a relationship at all is more important to you than being in a good relationship. If you’ve found yourself in a relationship that you’re no longer enjoying, take a look at the other aspects of your life and see how things are going [1]. Are you doing well with your work or study? Are you seeing your friends and family as often as you’d like to? Are you keeping up with your hobbies and whatever else is important to you? A fulfilling relationship should enhance the other areas of your life, not replace them. There are always compromises to be made, but if you know that your relationship is getting in the way of other important areas of your life, and you’ve done everything you can to try and make it work, you might want to give some serious thought as to why it’s important for you to stay in it. If it’s just because you’re afraid of being alone, it could be time to take the plunge back into single life and reconnect with yourself before you look for something new. References [1] Joel, S., MacDonald, G., & Shimotomai, A. (2011). Conflicting Pressures on Romantic Relationship Commitment for Anxiously Attached Individuals. (Report). Journal of Personality, 79(1), 51-74.  [2] Spielmann, S., MacDonald, G., Maxwell, J., Joel, S., Peragine, D., Muise, A., . . . King, Laura. (2013). Settling for Less Out of Fear of Being Single. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 105(6), 1049-1073.
Article | breakups
Is your ex-partner set to inherit your money?
If you’ve recently separated from your spouse or civil partner, you may need to write your will to make it clear where you want your estate to go. If you don’t have a valid will, the law in England and Wales means that your spouse or civil partner may be entitled to your entire estate if you die – even after you have separated. If you have children, some of your estate may go to them, but your spouse will still be entitled to the majority. After you separate, this law continues to apply until the divorce or the civil partnership has legally ended. This is true right up until you receive the final paperwork – either the decree absolute or the final order for dissolution. If you want to make your wishes clear then you must write a valid will to this effect. If you already have a will in place then you should certainly consider whether it needs to be updated in light of the separation. Your existing will may make your spouse the primary beneficiary of your estate. It’s important to know that this will continues to be effective even once you have separated. When you’re going through a separation, you’ve probably got a lot to deal with, and dying is unlikely to be on your to-do list. However, if you were to die during this period, then all of your money and property may go to the spouse or civil partner you’ve just separated from. If you want to make it clear that this is not what you want then you can write a will specifying where you want your estate to go in the event of your death. You should also write up a letter of wishes, which is just a short note explaining that you’ve excluded your spouse or civil partner from your will as a matter of choice, following your separation. If you’re still unsure what your future holds or you’re hopeful for a reconciliation, it is still worth writing your will. You can always change it again in the future.
Article | divorce, inheritance
Mediation Information Assessment Meetings
Attending a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) is now a requirement for most people wishing to take divorce proceedings to court.Before you can start court proceedings over money, property, possessions or arrangements for children, you must usually have attended a MIAM. These meetings are designed to offer help and useful advice. How MIAMs work At the meeting, a mediator will try to work out if mediation can help both parties reach an agreement. Depending on your preference, you can attend the meeting alone or with your husband, wife or civil partner. During the meeting, you’ll be able to find out more about mediation and ask questions about the process. They can also give you advice on other services that may be able to help you. After the MIAM After the meeting, if you and the mediator feel that mediation can help you reach an agreement, you can start mediation sessions. If you are not going to start mediation sessions and you decide to apply to court instead, the mediator will need to sign the court form. When you won't be expected to have a MIAM The court won’t expect you to have attended a mediation meeting if: A mediator doesn’t think the case is suitable for mediation and has said so within the past four months. Either of you has made an allegation of domestic violence against the other within the past 12 months and police investigations or civil proceedings were started. Your dispute is about money and either of you is bankrupt. You don’t know where your husband, wife or civil partner is. You want to apply for a court order but for specific reasons don’t intend to give your husband, wife or civil partner any notice. The court application is urgent because someone’s life or physical safety is at risk or a child is at risk of significant harm. The order is about a child who is already involved with social services because of concerns over their protection. You’ve contacted three mediators within 15 miles of your home and are unable to get an appointment with any of them within 15 working days. Source:
Article | mediation, divorce
1 3 min read
I want a divorce: how to tell your partner it’s over
Do you want a divorce? Are you worried about telling your partner that it’s over? If you’re sure you want to end the relationship, these tips will help you make the first conversation less stressful and give you the confidence to say, “I want a divorce”. If you’re ready to take the first step, here’s how. 1. Prepare yourself Prepare yourself for the idea that your partner is going to have a reaction. They might be aware that your relationship has been on the rocks but your decision to end it may still come as a shock, and the more shocked they are, the more volatile they are likely to be. Accept that there are going to be some unknown elements involved. 2. Choose the right moment Once you’ve made the decision that the relationship is over and prepared yourself, you may want to get the conversation out of the way, but it’s important not to rush. There isn’t a ‘good time’ to tell your partner but there are certainly bad times. Don’t do it just before an event, or out in public, over the phone, or via text. This is an important personal conversation that should happen when you’re alone and in a place where you won’t be interrupted or distracted. 3. Keep the conversation short Remember that this is likely to come as a shock to your partner. While you’ve had time to think about the separation and what needs to be arranged, it’s likely that it hasn’t even crossed their mind. So, aim to convey a single message: “Our relationship is over. I’m sorry this is so hurtful, but I’m decided and I won’t change my mind. I want a divorce”. You can adopt the ‘broken record’ technique which is basically repeating the same message several times to help the news sink in. Don’t get into the detail at this point. Be clear that you want to talk about things in more detail but that now is not the time. 4. Be patient Having this tricky conversation will test your self-control. In the heat of the moment, your ex may say rash things and throw criticisms at you. Be patient, and know that you’ll need to be patient throughout the whole separation process. Allowing things to settle will lead to better outcomes for you, your partner and your children.  Your marriage may be over but you will always be parents to your children. So, getting this conversation right will set the tone for your future relationship together. Drop your shoulders, take a deep breath and remember the points above. For more support on telling your partner you want a divorce, get in touch with amicable.
Article | amicable, divorce
What is arbitration?
Arbitration is an alternative to court where a separating couple appoints an arbitrator to make a decision on any financial or property-related issues.   It is different to mediation and collaborative practice because it will fix a final and legally binding outcome to the case (usually referred to as a ‘final award’), rather than the decision-making resting with you and your ex-partner. As with mediation and collaborative practice, you can’t be forced into arbitration. You must either agree who will arbitrate the issue, or have an arbitrator appointed from an independent panel. Once both of you have decided to use arbitration, the only way to stop the process before the final award is if you both agree. Generally, there is an initial meeting where information is given about arbitration and, if you both want to use it, the steps to the final award are fixed. Because the process is tailored to the issues involved, it is usually very much faster than the court process and can be a lot less expensive. The arbitrator can deal with very specific financial aspects of the separation, or with all of them. This is up to you. Arbitration is confidential and the time and location of hearings are flexible. Who are arbitrators? Arbitrators are usually barristers, solicitors, or retired judges who have trained and qualified as a family law arbitrator with the Chartered Institute of Arbitrators. They also must work to a set code of ethics as family law arbitrators. How much does arbitration cost? The cost of arbitration varies across the country and from arbitrator to arbitrator. If you choose to go down the route of arbitration, the cost will be something you and your ex-partner need to consider. Do I need representation? It is possible and sometimes easier to present your own case in arbitration than at court. The procedure is more informal but there are benefits in having support and advice through the process. You should bear this in mind if you are thinking about family law arbitration as it would be an additional cost. How do I find an arbitrator? You can search for arbitrators via the Institute of Family Law Arbitrators. What are the risks? There are risks with an appeal process, just as there is at court. Where an appeal process is needed, such as if the arbitrator has not acted properly or within the rules of arbitration, enforcement of the award may involve additional steps and therefore further costs. The risks and benefits are something that will be explained and can be considered at the first meeting so that you can decide if arbitration might work for both of you and your circumstances.
Article | arbitration, divorce
0 3 min read
Divorce tips from the experts
Ensure your divorce or separation is as fast and fair as possible without breaking the bank by reading the following tips from amicable’s divorce experts. 1. Know the basics To get divorced, you need to arrange three things: File the legal paperwork. Submit your divorce petition (form D8), apply for a decree nisi (form D84), and, once this has been processed, apply for a decree absolute (form D36). You may also file a consent order if you want to make your financial agreements legally binding. Plan your finances. Agree what will happen to your home; where you will both live; and what money, assets and debts you have to divide. Make a parenting plan. If you have children, you will need to agree on their living arrangements, how they will see both of you, who will pay for what, and how you will raise them. You can use the free online template at Splitting Up? Put Kids First. 2. Don’t rush your partner into it While you may be keen to get things moving, rushing your partner into a divorce could slow the process down, particularly if you are at different stages of emotional readiness. Allow time for your partner to catch up with you, and be mindful not to apply pressure. In the meantime, look at other options, like professional coaching or counselling support to help with the process of letting go and moving on. 3. Know the facts, remove the emotion The law isn’t concerned with who’s right and who’s wrong. The law is only concerned with the facts for the marriage breakdown. If you understand this when you begin the process, you will have a better chance of negotiating a settlement without a damaging and expensive legal process. It’s important to note that the reasons given for your marriage breakdown will not affect any of your financial or child arrangements. Read more about the divorce law process in the UK. 4. Don’t rush off to a solicitor There are many ways to divorce and different processes suit different people. Using a solicitor is usually expensive and can also create dependency and a barrier between you and your ex. Learning how to communicate with your ex can help you get through the process amicably without spending more than you can afford. If you have children or pets together, you’ll need to communicate after the divorce so it’s better to start learning how to do this effectively now as ex-partners. There is a difference between legal information and legal advice. This page is an example of legal information, whereas legal advice is personalised to you. It’s more cost effective to start by seeking free legal information and giving yourselves a chance to work things out. 5. Be realistic on how long the divorce process takes The divorce process can often take much longer than expected – this is one of the biggest causes of escalating costs. If you have never been through a divorce before, it’s unlikely you will have much idea of the steps involved. The UK court system is slower than you might expect – average processing times run between 20 and 22 weeks. Complete this form to get an idea of how long it may take you personally to get divorced. 6. Look forward Don’t spend your time, energy or money arguing over the past. Change the conversation from ‘How do we split our stuff?’ to ‘What do we need to do to be happy in future?’. Or, if you have children, ‘What we need to do to ensure our children are happy’. This can help to see what’s most important to you and put your focus on that. The author Kate Daly is a co-founder of amicable, the faster, fairer, fixed price way to separate and divorce. Kate is a divorce expert and helps couples and separated parents navigate divorce and separation amicably. She's passionate about changing the way the world divorces, and campaigns for fairer divorce laws and access to justice. To schedule a free, no-obligation call with Kate to talk through your divorce, please click here.
Article | divorce, amicable, legal rights
0 5 min read
Identity problems after breaking up
What am I up against? When you get into a solid, committed relationship, it doesn’t take long to feel like an “us”. You give people birthday presents from “us”, you go to parties as “we” and you face the world as a pair. When a relationship breaks down, you have to learn to be a “me” again and see yourself as “I”. It can feel like a real identity crisis. Then there are the adjustments you have to make in your mind over the future you imagined for yourself. If you had a life plan with your ex, then suddenly the future can look quite scary. How do I deal with it? First, know that it’s normal The feeling that you’ve lost a part of yourself is perfectly common, and research would suggest that the more invested you were in being an “us”, the more your sense of self will be affected. (Lewandowski, G. W., Aron, A., Bassis, S., & Kunak, J. 2006).   Rediscover what you like As part of a couple, you may have compromised some of your hobbies for something you both enjoyed together. Now might be a good time to rediscover some of those things.  It could be joining a sports team, playing with a band, playing a games console, taking up dance classes, or even just spending more time with your friends. This isn’t about distracting yourself, but finding yourself again. You may want to try out some things that specifically did not interest your ex-partner. Good friends can remind you that you’re ‘enough’ If your partner was supportive and encouraging of your interests, it might feel like you have to start again with your self-confidence. Friends that knew you before your relationship will be very helpful as they can remind you that you were liked and loved before you were with your ex, and that you’re still loved without them. Consider a counsellor One of the reasons self-identity can blur during a breakup is that – quite simply – you’ve been through an emotional ordeal which has left you feeling confused. Counsellors can be very good at helping you understand your own emotions and come to terms with any grief that you may be dealing with. A breakup can represent a big loss, and this can be very challenging to handle at any point in life. Counsellors can help you unpack these confused feelings as you deal with the emotional distress.  Focus on the idea of a positive future relationship When going from “us” to “me”, it helps if you can loosen the emotional attachment to an ex-partner. One way to do this is to focus on new relationship options. This doesn’t have to mean starting a new relationship – research suggests that just having a positive outlook on potential future relationships can help reduce the attachment to previous partners (Spielmann, MacDonald, & Wilson, 2009). Give yourself time The process of rediscovering yourself takes time, and you may also experience some unfamiliar emotional episodes (Slotter, Gardner & Finkel, 2010). On a positive note, the research says that any confusion won’t last forever and these feelings are likely to be temporary.
Article | breakups, identity, YPc
Community posts
"I have feelings for someone else"
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. This is my first relationship and he has been through a lot of my firsts. I’m 19 and just graduated high school. Some people take this age to have fun and experience love from different people. I met this other guy at my old job that I quit. He started talking to me first when I walked past him & honestly a part of me was attracted to him that first moment and wanted to talk to him more and more. At first he just showed interest in doing sexual things but I was starting to grow a little crush and would help him out at work because I wanted to be near him. That’s all it was until I quit. He got my number the first day we met but we never actually texted. He texted me a couple days after I quit then a week later we hung out and went to the park and to eat. This guy is 22. Now about my boyfriend and us, my boyfriend just turned 18, is very sweet towards me and doesn’t mean any harm towards me. He’s the relationship kinda guy and would rather be with just one person rather than have a bunch of girls to talk to. He only wants me and forever. He accepts me for me and we have learned to be weird together. We have our inside jokes and places that we like to eat. Everything was so good the first 3 months until I met this other guy and I slowly started to pull away from him. I’ve been hanging out with this other guy more and he likes hanging with me too. This guy doesn’t really have people to hang with, he’s anti social but he let me in. He likes hearing me talk and listens to everything I have to say when I’m talking my head off. He’s also sweet towards me and so caring. I can tell he wouldn’t let anyone hurt me and he treats me as if I was his girl. We’ve talked and I admitted I had feelings or have and he said does too and that he wants me to be his girl. I have been very hurt and confused because I have a boyfriend so I feel bad and don’t know if it’s worth breaking up with him for this other guy. Especially since my boyfriend wants me for the long run no matter what and idk if this guy would even if he says he does. Yes my heart does want this other guy. He’s beginning to be cuter to me the more we hangout and I like him for him more and more. Sigh I don’t know what to do. Breaking up with my boyfriend wouldn’t be easy. I have to let go of everything we’ve done together, seeing his parents, and the side of me he brings out. But people have broken up lots of times and got through it so I know I can too if I had too.
User article | relationships, breakups
“I want to leave but can't”
I got married at the age of 20. My partner and I were both in the military... today 13 years... but in that time we had much love, life and exceptional times together and always bad as well. I was pregnant on my wedding day, almost eight months. I lost my baby on my wedding day. It was so so unbearable. I felt as if my whole world was falling apart. My father didn't want to sign the marriage documents and I felt so down... also after I lost the baby I was laying in the hospital for almost a week and 3 to 4 days of that time I was holding my baby... counting and just crying... I felt there was no one there by me... after that I went home... A week later I fell sick, got a heart attack and blood clots in my lungs... I was in the ICU for almost a month under sedation with pipes in both my lungs... I cannot remember bits here and there... but my parents and my husband’s family didn't see eye to eye... (I was glad I was not awake). My father said that my husband was not there, but with his brother catching fish... he also couldn't stay by me the whole time in hospital... but I got through it... Later we moved and I got pregnant again. We have a girl and at that stage my husband took God into his life and everything was good. But I didn't feel like I belong with his family because of my moods and the way I handle things. I don’t keep my mouth shut and I say a thing as is...they didn't and do not like that... In the last 11 years I can actually count how many months on both my hands he brought money into the house... I was fine with that... until 2 years ago... August to be exact. I wrote down in a book my problems and I started to pray and asked God to please help me because I can’t take it anymore... I love him so much and I don’t wanna lose him... I did everything for him and made his life a blast... At stage he was one of that guys that love the whole threesome thing... I only found that out after we went out one night with friends we came home and they dropped us... after I walked away he ran and jumped into the car through the window and they drove off... I did not see or hear from they or him for about five months. Then I saw him again with her as well just as I thought because his reason was I was too jealous and a bit much... but then he asked if he can come back to me and stupid me said yes. So we went away for a weekend with the friends and that's where he just wanted another woman in our bed... as I thought to myself... I have to otherwise I will lose him again or he will look for it at another place... this was continuing for so so many years and every time this happened I was disgusted. I won’t disagree it was fun for the first maybe two times because it's new but I couldn't face them after that... because they were my friends... I can’t have any female friends or colleagues then he would ask me how about that one... even if I'm at work he would sms me and ask so did you do her yet... so would ask what where... he would say take her to the bathroom... OMG no way... but one weekend we had a braai and I asked my female colleague if she wanna join us for a braai... yes she wanted to try it that's the main reason that she came over... but I was devastated.. while we were busy I got up... I felt and saw the rejection. I sat on the toilet and I screamed stop stop get off... get out... the only person that got out was me... I was thrown out of my own room and the door was locked behind me while he wanted to finish her up... I have never broken down like that, that time. Later the door was opened, and she left to go home... that is where things got cold in me and I was broken... Later it was just braai and friends alcohol... any young person’s dream but we had a daughter and all of our friends was young and single. I enjoyed it all also to a point. Then there was the boys’ weekends and so on... on one weekend he came back and he made up a story about a scam that he is part of... at that stage I also locked into his phone to read his whatsapp because I suspected things... and yes I know not a lot of people believe it but a woman’s sixth sense is always right... it turns out he started to chat to a girl on FB and he even send her pictures of his private parts... and I was furious he lied to me... so I called and it was scam artists that wanted money and said that they will ruin his life and hurt his family... I sorted the problem out and it was soon over... After that I again had trust issues... because how many times has this happened? At my daughter's school I was part of the organization that arranged the events every weekend... one day I couldn't attend so my husband stood in for me. That morning I spoke to him and about 11 he was driving and I asked what he's up to and he said he's going to drop off a girl... I asked and he said it's a parent at the school’s child. Later just to find out that the mother of that child and he started to chat and send pics and so on to each other on the first day... sex talk and all in just three days... I caught him and I confronted him and he said it's not true so I showed him the messages and he still denied it... I even called her and she put the phone down in my ear and blocked me. After that I was more fold and broken... I felt so alone... no friends and no family close to me... I was not allowed to go out with girls after work for a drink or a chat... even over weekend... oh no not me... anyway... About 3 years ago my father got sick... with no money I scraped together out of the blue even a couple of cents I rushed to the airport to buy a ticket to go home... all the way I was crying after three airlines I got a flight... the lady that helped me was pregnant as well and she ran with me to the gate to make sure I could board the flight... On the plane I was crying non stop... got that side... took the bakkie, chased to my father... got there and spend time with him... that stage I asked my husband to please come as well and he said he couldn't... I was so upset... I was there for about a week... the night that they told us that he is not going to make it I called my husband and, guess what, he was at another woman’s house. After numerous calls, I asked one of my friends to go and check because my vehicle has a tracker in it... which he didn't know... and there he was with another woman... don’t know what happened there but he still denies it. But anyway my father passed away... Just to find out that my family do not have funeral plans in place... but I did... I paid my father's funeral... got in a fight with my brothers where they physically abused me the night before the funeral I filmed into my car and I drove back to the airport... I couldn't even attend my father's funeral... I was dead inside of pain... got home... no comfort from my husband or his family... I felt so lost alone and unworthy... At this time he also started to play online gaming every single second of the day and night... and, no I'm not exaggerating, this is true. Once his eyes open until 2/3 in the morning... I couldn't deal... he said that he was in a dark hole...lies overflow... no work no money coming in... he keeps on asking his mom for money... he is a real mommyboy... Later not last year the year before I met one of his friends and we just clicked... we saw each other after the men came back from a boys weekend... didn't notice it was him but he did notice me... we saw each other again at one of our friend’s weddings a few weeks later and I just couldn't believe that we clicked... but we were just friends... later we started as married couples to braai and all and have fun... last year Jan we were at a braai at their house where my husband started to cry. His wife and I were shocked... he even said that I must join... I just said no... I couldn't... but later me and Matt clicked and we started to send messages to each other... asking what happened and I just couldn't get him out of my mind and he was totally gaga over me... also just to find out that he and his wife is also having problems... they were divorced last year in June... I also told my husband 16 Feb last year I want to separate... after a big fight that evening where we got physical... but still I'm here... me and Matt started to chat over emails messages meetings and all... but we never had sex together... he said that he is not that type and I respected that.. because I'm also not like that... everything was amazing I met his family and it bloomed... but still I'm not divorced... because I feel like I will be judged and what will people think about me... He gave his life to God again last year when I told him I wanted to separate... I asked him why now... he stopped his games he started to look for work, and I just couldn't... I was done... he declared that he is fully devoted to me, he cried, he pleaded, and I just couldn't... after a while I told him again I still wanna separate. He kept on asking why... as I explained that I grew cold... I’m not in this anymore... and that I have feeling for someone else... omg... wrong move... because he just couldn't wait to call all of our friends his and my family and even the church people that I'm leaving him for another man... which I told him is not true. A couple of months ago things started to chat ge again... he is back on his online gaming, not working... he sold my car... used the money... we had to stay with his mom and aunt. I just couldn't deal because I was the lowest person in their eyes... every family gathering there was always a fight and it is always me against them... and he never stood up for me... then I saw chats were his family was talking about taking my child... I was furious... I can’t have more children now, they wanna take away my miracle baby... she was born on 26 weeks at 189g... she is my everything... Now about three days ago I got a message from Matt to say that he does not feel comfortable for me and him seeing each other behind my husband's back and because I'm married... I was heartbroken.... I don’t know what to do... I want to k now why now... after almost a year and two months now you feel guilty... he is not that type... please I need advice... I can’t anymore...
User article | breakups, divorce, affair