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Expert posts

How to get over a breakup

Almost everyone at some point in their life will suffer from a relationship breakdown or breakup. This can happen for many different reasons, such as incompatibility, loss of love, or lack of trust. No two breakups are ever the same. Whether it was you or your partner who initiated the breakup, you may experience a range of feelings in the days, weeks and months following the breakup – sadness, anger, loss, betrayal, and sometimes even relief. No matter the length of the relationship, even if it was only just a few weeks, the breakup can still hurt and cause pain. There are many things which can affect how well you cope after a breakup and how well you heal and move on with your life. Factors which can hinder your ability to cope with the breakup might include: Experience. If your experience of the breakup and the events surrounding it was traumatic, the healing process may take a little longer. Avoidance. If you don’t allow yourself to process or think about what happened, the healing process may take longer. Distraction. The use of unhelpful coping mechanisms like abuse of substances and alcohol aren’t a helpful or permanent fix as they also don’t allow you to fully process what happened. The only way to really ‘cure’ the feelings and experiences following a breakup is to work through it and process what happened. Uncertainty. You might be keen to find answers on why the relationship broke down, and with good reason. People who understand the reasons surrounding a breakup tend to adjust faster than those who don’t [1]. However, if you're planning to get in contact with your ex-partner, make sure you have thought it through and approach the situation in an amicable manner, to prevent any more distress. Self-blame. This can often follow a lack of clarity around why the relationship broke down. Shared things. You might have shared friends, shared belongings, or even children and pets and the discussion of who keeps what can make things more difficult. Again, things need to be kept amicable to prevent more pain not only for yourself but anyone else involved. But there are measures which can be taken to help your levels of coping and healing following a breakup and help you to feel more like yourself again: Allow yourself the time to understand and process the relationship breakdown and your emotions which follow. Give yourself to grieve from the loss of your relationship. Meet up with friends and family. Getting support is a great way to aid your healing and process the breakup. Those who receive social or professional support following a breakup tend to cope better [1]. Try to get back into hobbies or things you may not have done as much since getting into the relationship. Self-time and care can help you feel more like yourself. Treat yourself. Do something enjoyable, just for you. Take the time to exercise, even if only a little, like a walk outdoors. Exercise has been shown to be beneficial to improving wellbeing and mood [2]. It can also clear your mind and help you reset. Healing after a breakup will take time and can’t be done overnight. There's no set length of time it should take to heal after a breakup and as long your way of coping is healthy you will get through it. However, if you still feel as though you’re struggling to cope, don't be afraid to reach out to a professional. They will be able to guide you through the healing process and aid you in coping and understanding any feelings you still have. By Tamara Almond-Lockett References [1] Barutçu. K, Adjustment to breakup of romantic relationships: initiator status, certainty about the reasons of breakup, current relationship status and perceived social support, 2009. [2] Klaperski, S., Koch, E., Hewel, D., Schempp, A., & Müller, J. (2019). Optimizing mental health benefits of exercise: The influence of the exercise environment on acute stress levels and wellbeing. Mental Health and Prevention, 15, 7. doi:http://dx.doi.org.hallam.idm.oclc.org/10.1016/j.mhp.2019.200173

Article | breakups

Consent orders: your questions answered

1. What is a consent order? A consent order is the legal document that sets out the financial arrangements between you and your partner when you are divorcing. It can detail what will happen to property, savings, pensions or debts, and whether one of you will pay the other a regular payment to help with living costs. It can also end future financial claims against each of you by the other. It is legally binding, and the court can enforce the order if one of you does not do what is agreed. 2. Won’t our financial ties be cut when we get divorced or end our civil partnership? No. You will still be financially tied to each other, even if you have been divorced or separated for many years. If you remarry, you will forfeit your claims against your partner, and vice versa. 3. Can you get a consent order if you’re living together? No. If you live together, then you can have a separation agreement to set out what will happen to your finances. A separation agreement is different to a consent order because it is not legally binding (meaning the court can’t enforce it).If you live together and have children, then you can still claim child maintenance from your partner. Find out more here on the government website. 4.What else does the court need to sign off a consent order? For the court to sign off your consent order you will need to provide the following;A. A financial snapshot of your assets, debts, pensions and income for you, your ex and any children you have together. This is called a ‘statement of information’ or form D81. The figures you’ll need to include are: the equity in any property, savings, investments business assets, pensions, and your income after tax (net).B. Details of how you’ll divide the finances and arrange any child or spousal maintenance and pension sharing details. This is called the Financial Remedy Order (or Order, or Consent Order). This document will need to be drafted by a trained legal professional.C. If you are sharing or splitting a pension, you will also need a Pension Sharing Order (called Penson Sharing Annex, form P1) that sets out how much pension will be shared between you. This is a separate document to your consent order and will need to be sent to your pension company along with your sealed consent order.D. You will need to complete a Form A, to ask the court to consider your finances.E. It is also advisable to send an explanation to the court about how and why you’ve come to that agreement. You have to demonstrate that you understand how the law works in relation to marital assets. 5. When do you get a consent order? You can apply for a consent order either at the same time as divorcing or dissolving your civil partnership or after your divorce or dissolution. You cannot get a consent order before starting your divorce or dissolution proceeding. The earliest opportunity that you’ll be able to submit your financial agreement to the court is at Decree Nisi stage. 6. Can a judge turn down a consent order? Yes. If a judge feels the arrangement is unfair on one person, the order will be rejected. Sometimes a judge will ask for more information and you can write a letter of explanation. At other times the judge may order a short hearing to hear from both of you as to why you feel your settlement is fair. 7. What is a clean break consent order? It’s a type of consent order used if there are no finances to sort out now but you want to end all future claims against each other. This is usually used if you don’t have any finances to sort out, or if you have already split your finances. You will still both need to give the court a snapshot of your finances (the financial disclosure). 8. Can I do a consent order myself? No, not unless you’re legally trained. Nowadays. It is relatively straightforward to file a divorce online via the government’s website, but you do need to be legally trained to draw up the legal documentation that makes up a consent order. 9. Do you need a solicitor or lawyer to divorce? No. If you’ve already agreed on what you want to do or even if you need some help with negotiating your finances, you don’t have to involve lawyers if you don’t want to. There are plenty of divorce services companies who offer consent order services. However, if you’d like to know what you’re entitled to, or if there are any danger signs (e.g. hiding assets, or domestic violence) then you should protect yourself by getting a good divorce lawyer. You can find a list of family law and divorce law professionals at Resolution. 10. How much does it cost to get a consent order? The range of getting a consent order starts from hundreds of pounds, but can go all the way up to hundreds of thousands if you’re not in agreement and end up in court. There is also a £50 court fee for filing a consent order. If you need help deciding what route is best suited to your personal situation, get free divorce advice from our partners at amicable.

Article | divorce, consent orders

Unhappy but scared of being alone

Despite our best efforts, we sometimes find ourselves in relationships that aren’t working. We’ve made compromises, tried new things, and even changed other areas of our lives to accommodate the relationship, but it still doesn’t seem to fix things. When you absolutely know that a relationship isn’t working, it might seem like the obvious solution is to end things and move on. However, if the idea of not being in a relationship feels scarier than being in a bad relationship, you may find yourself clinging onto something that isn’t good for you. Committing to a relationship is a big decision, and one that has to be made several times over the course of the relationship. As things progress, you reassess – if it’s still making you happy, you carry on; if it’s not, you make adjustments, or you end the relationship. Making a commitment involves a range of factors. As well as thinking about how good the relationship is, you also have to consider the rest of your life. Think about your opportunities and your obligations, such as whether you are planning to move away or if you have work or study commitments that require a lot of your time. Consider also how well supported you feel in the relationship, and how much support you have available to offer in return [1]. Remaining in a relationship isn’t always the right decision. The quality of your relationship affects every other area of your life so, while a good relationship is almost always worth fighting for, a relationship that hurts you could be doing more damage than you’re aware of. Many people remain in unsatisfying relationships because of a fear of being alone. This is known as attachment anxiety [2]. For someone with attachment anxiety, the need to have a partner can feel more important than the quality of the relationship itself. There’s a sense of security, often misplaced, that comes from simply being in a relationship, even if that relationship causes you more pain than it’s worth [1]. People with attachment anxiety are more likely to settle for an unhappy relationship. If you’re afraid of being alone, you’re more likely to ignore the more negative aspects of a relationship and put your energy into something that’s not working [2]. This might seem like optimism but it could leave you stuck in an unhealthy situation for longer than necessary. One sign that you might have attachment anxiety is if you tend to make more of the relationship status than the relationship quality [2]. Think about the early stages of relationships you’ve been in. After a few dates, do you find yourself anxious to start using words like ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’? This phase can be exciting but when the labels start to outweigh the quality, it might be a clue that being in a relationship at all is more important to you than being in a good relationship. If you’ve found yourself in a relationship that you’re no longer enjoying, take a look at the other aspects of your life and see how things are going [1]. Are you doing well with your work or study? Are you seeing your friends and family as often as you’d like to? Are you keeping up with your hobbies and whatever else is important to you? A fulfilling relationship should enhance the other areas of your life, not replace them. There are always compromises to be made, but if you know that your relationship is getting in the way of other important areas of your life, and you’ve done everything you can to try and make it work, you might want to give some serious thought as to why it’s important for you to stay in it. If it’s just because you’re afraid of being alone, it could be time to take the plunge back into single life and reconnect with yourself before you look for something new. References [1] Joel, S., MacDonald, G., & Shimotomai, A. (2011). Conflicting Pressures on Romantic Relationship Commitment for Anxiously Attached Individuals. (Report). Journal of Personality, 79(1), 51-74. [2] Spielmann, S., MacDonald, G., Maxwell, J., Joel, S., Peragine, D., Muise, A., . . . King, Laura. (2013). Settling for Less Out of Fear of Being Single. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 105(6), 1049-1073.

Article | breakups

Is your ex-partner set to inherit your money?

If you’ve recently separated from your spouse or civil partner, you may need to write your will to make it clear where you want your estate to go. If you don’t have a valid will, the law in England and Wales means that your spouse or civil partner may be entitled to your entire estate if you die – even after you have separated. If you have children, some of your estate may go to them, but your spouse will still be entitled to the majority. After you separate, this law continues to apply until the divorce or the civil partnership has legally ended. This is true right up until you receive the final paperwork – either the decree absolute or the final order for dissolution. If you want to make your wishes clear then you must write a valid will to this effect. If you already have a will in place then you should certainly consider whether it needs to be updated in light of the separation. Your existing will may make your spouse the primary beneficiary of your estate. It’s important to know that this will continues to be effective even once you have separated. When you’re going through a separation, you’ve probably got a lot to deal with, and dying is unlikely to be on your to-do list. However, if you were to die during this period, then all of your money and property may go to the spouse or civil partner you’ve just separated from. If you want to make it clear that this is not what you want then you can write a will specifying where you want your estate to go in the event of your death. You should also write up a letter of wishes, which is just a short note explaining that you’ve excluded your spouse or civil partner from your will as a matter of choice, following your separation. If you’re still unsure what your future holds or you’re hopeful for a reconciliation, it is still worth writing your will. You can always change it again in the future.

Article | divorce, inheritance

Mediation Information Assessment Meetings

Attending a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) is now a requirement for most people wishing to take divorce proceedings to court.Before you can start court proceedings over money, property, possessions or arrangements for children, you must usually have attended a MIAM. These meetings are designed to offer help and useful advice. How MIAMs work At the meeting, a mediator will try to work out if mediation can help both parties reach an agreement. Depending on your preference, you can attend the meeting alone or with your husband, wife or civil partner. During the meeting, you’ll be able to find out more about mediation and ask questions about the process. They can also give you advice on other services that may be able to help you. After the MIAM After the meeting, if you and the mediator feel that mediation can help you reach an agreement, you can start mediation sessions. If you are not going to start mediation sessions and you decide to apply to court instead, the mediator will need to sign the court form. When you won't be expected to have a MIAM The court won’t expect you to have attended a mediation meeting if: A mediator doesn’t think the case is suitable for mediation and has said so within the past four months. Either of you has made an allegation of domestic violence against the other within the past 12 months and police investigations or civil proceedings were started. Your dispute is about money and either of you is bankrupt. You don’t know where your husband, wife or civil partner is. You want to apply for a court order but for specific reasons don’t intend to give your husband, wife or civil partner any notice. The court application is urgent because someone’s life or physical safety is at risk or a child is at risk of significant harm. The order is about a child who is already involved with social services because of concerns over their protection. You’ve contacted three mediators within 15 miles of your home and are unable to get an appointment with any of them within 15 working days. Source: www.gov.uk

Article | mediation, divorce

1 3 min read

I want a divorce: how to tell your partner it’s over

Do you want a divorce? Are you worried about telling your partner that it’s over? If you’re sure you want to end the relationship, these tips will help you make the first conversation less stressful and give you the confidence to say, “I want a divorce”. If you’re ready to take the first step, here’s how. 1. Prepare yourself Prepare yourself for the idea that your partner is going to have a reaction. They might be aware that your relationship has been on the rocks but your decision to end it may still come as a shock, and the more shocked they are, the more volatile they are likely to be. Accept that there are going to be some unknown elements involved. 2. Choose the right moment Once you’ve made the decision that the relationship is over and prepared yourself, you may want to get the conversation out of the way, but it’s important not to rush. There isn’t a ‘good time’ to tell your partner but there are certainly bad times. Don’t do it just before an event, or out in public, over the phone, or via text. This is an important personal conversation that should happen when you’re alone and in a place where you won’t be interrupted or distracted. 3. Keep the conversation short Remember that this is likely to come as a shock to your partner. While you’ve had time to think about the separation and what needs to be arranged, it’s likely that it hasn’t even crossed their mind. So, aim to convey a single message: “Our relationship is over. I’m sorry this is so hurtful, but I’m decided and I won’t change my mind. I want a divorce”. You can adopt the ‘broken record’ technique which is basically repeating the same message several times to help the news sink in. Don’t get into the detail at this point. Be clear that you want to talk about things in more detail but that now is not the time. 4. Be patient Having this tricky conversation will test your self-control. In the heat of the moment, your ex may say rash things and throw criticisms at you. Be patient, and know that you’ll need to be patient throughout the whole separation process. Allowing things to settle will lead to better outcomes for you, your partner and your children. Your marriage may be over but you will always be parents to your children. So, getting this conversation right will set the tone for your future relationship together. Drop your shoulders, take a deep breath and remember the points above. For more support on telling your partner you want a divorce, get in touch with amicable.

Article | amicable, divorce

What is arbitration?

Arbitration is an alternative to court where a separating couple appoints an arbitrator to make a decision on any financial or property-related issues. It is different to mediation and collaborative practice because it will fix a final and legally binding outcome to the case (usually referred to as a ‘final award’), rather than the decision-making resting with you and your ex-partner. As with mediation and collaborative practice, you can’t be forced into arbitration. You must either agree who will arbitrate the issue, or have an arbitrator appointed from an independent panel. Once both of you have decided to use arbitration, the only way to stop the process before the final award is if you both agree. Generally, there is an initial meeting where information is given about arbitration and, if you both want to use it, the steps to the final award are fixed. Because the process is tailored to the issues involved, it is usually very much faster than the court process and can be a lot less expensive. The arbitrator can deal with very specific financial aspects of the separation, or with all of them. This is up to you. Arbitration is confidential and the time and location of hearings are flexible. Who are arbitrators? Arbitrators are usually barristers, solicitors, or retired judges who have trained and qualified as a family law arbitrator with the Chartered Institute of Arbitrators. They also must work to a set code of ethics as family law arbitrators. How much does arbitration cost? The cost of arbitration varies across the country and from arbitrator to arbitrator. If you choose to go down the route of arbitration, the cost will be something you and your ex-partner need to consider. Do I need representation? It is possible and sometimes easier to present your own case in arbitration than at court. The procedure is more informal but there are benefits in having support and advice through the process. You should bear this in mind if you are thinking about family law arbitration as it would be an additional cost. How do I find an arbitrator? You can search for arbitrators via the Institute of Family Law Arbitrators. What are the risks? There are risks with an appeal process, just as there is at court. Where an appeal process is needed, such as if the arbitrator has not acted properly or within the rules of arbitration, enforcement of the award may involve additional steps and therefore further costs. The risks and benefits are something that will be explained and can be considered at the first meeting so that you can decide if arbitration might work for both of you and your circumstances.

Article | arbitration, divorce

0 3 min read

Divorce tips from the experts

Ensure your divorce or separation is as fast and fair as possible without breaking the bank by reading the following tips from amicable’s divorce experts. 1. Know the basics To get divorced, you need to arrange three things: File the legal paperwork. Submit your divorce petition (form D8), apply for a decree nisi (form D84), and, once this has been processed, apply for a decree absolute (form D36). You may also file a consent order if you want to make your financial agreements legally binding. Plan your finances. Agree what will happen to your home; where you will both live; and what money, assets and debts you have to divide. Make a parenting plan. If you have children, you will need to agree on their living arrangements, how they will see both of you, who will pay for what, and how you will raise them. You can use the free online template at Splitting Up? Put Kids First. 2. Don’t rush your partner into it While you may be keen to get things moving, rushing your partner into a divorce could slow the process down, particularly if you are at different stages of emotional readiness. Allow time for your partner to catch up with you, and be mindful not to apply pressure. In the meantime, look at other options, like professional coaching or counselling support to help with the process of letting go and moving on. 3. Know the facts, remove the emotion The law isn’t concerned with who’s right and who’s wrong. The law is only concerned with the facts for the marriage breakdown. If you understand this when you begin the process, you will have a better chance of negotiating a settlement without a damaging and expensive legal process. It’s important to note that the reasons given for your marriage breakdown will not affect any of your financial or child arrangements. Read more about the divorce law process in the UK. 4. Don’t rush off to a solicitor There are many ways to divorce and different processes suit different people. Using a solicitor is usually expensive and can also create dependency and a barrier between you and your ex. Learning how to communicate with your ex can help you get through the process amicably without spending more than you can afford. If you have children or pets together, you’ll need to communicate after the divorce so it’s better to start learning how to do this effectively now as ex-partners. There is a difference between legal information and legal advice. This page is an example of legal information, whereas legal advice is personalised to you. It’s more cost effective to start by seeking free legal information and giving yourselves a chance to work things out. 5. Be realistic on how long the divorce process takes The divorce process can often take much longer than expected – this is one of the biggest causes of escalating costs. If you have never been through a divorce before, it’s unlikely you will have much idea of the steps involved. The UK court system is slower than you might expect – average processing times run between 20 and 22 weeks. Complete this form to get an idea of how long it may take you personally to get divorced. 6. Look forward Don’t spend your time, energy or money arguing over the past. Change the conversation from ‘How do we split our stuff?’ to ‘What do we need to do to be happy in future?’. Or, if you have children, ‘What we need to do to ensure our children are happy’. This can help to see what’s most important to you and put your focus on that. The author Kate Daly is a co-founder of amicable, the faster, fairer, fixed price way to separate and divorce. Kate is a divorce expert and helps couples and separated parents navigate divorce and separation amicably. She's passionate about changing the way the world divorces, and campaigns for fairer divorce laws and access to justice. To schedule a free, no-obligation call with Kate to talk through your divorce, please click here.

Article | divorce, amicable, legal rights

0 5 min read

Identity problems after breaking up

What am I up against? When you get into a solid, committed relationship, it doesn’t take long to feel like an “us”. You give people birthday presents from “us”, you go to parties as “we” and you face the world as a pair. When a relationship breaks down, you have to learn to be a “me” again and see yourself as “I”. It can feel like a real identity crisis. Then there are the adjustments you have to make in your mind over the future you imagined for yourself. If you had a life plan with your ex, then suddenly the future can look quite scary. How do I deal with it? First, know that it’s normal The feeling that you’ve lost a part of yourself is perfectly common, and research would suggest that the more invested you were in being an “us”, the more your sense of self will be affected. (Lewandowski, G. W., Aron, A., Bassis, S., & Kunak, J. 2006). Rediscover what you like As part of a couple, you may have compromised some of your hobbies for something you both enjoyed together. Now might be a good time to rediscover some of those things. It could be joining a sports team, playing with a band, playing a games console, taking up dance classes, or even just spending more time with your friends. This isn’t about distracting yourself, but finding yourself again. You may want to try out some things that specifically did not interest your ex-partner. Good friends can remind you that you’re ‘enough’ If your partner was supportive and encouraging of your interests, it might feel like you have to start again with your self-confidence. Friends that knew you before your relationship will be very helpful as they can remind you that you were liked and loved before you were with your ex, and that you’re still loved without them. Consider a counsellor One of the reasons self-identity can blur during a breakup is that – quite simply – you’ve been through an emotional ordeal which has left you feeling confused. Counsellors can be very good at helping you understand your own emotions and come to terms with any grief that you may be dealing with. A breakup can represent a big loss, and this can be very challenging to handle at any point in life. Counsellors can help you unpack these confused feelings as you deal with the emotional distress. Focus on the idea of a positive future relationship When going from “us” to “me”, it helps if you can loosen the emotional attachment to an ex-partner. One way to do this is to focus on new relationship options. This doesn’t have to mean starting a new relationship – research suggests that just having a positive outlook on potential future relationships can help reduce the attachment to previous partners (Spielmann, MacDonald, & Wilson, 2009). Give yourself time The process of rediscovering yourself takes time, and you may also experience some unfamiliar emotional episodes (Slotter, Gardner & Finkel, 2010). On a positive note, the research says that any confusion won’t last forever and these feelings are likely to be temporary.

Article | breakups, identity, YPc

Community posts

Ending my affair

I am a married woman and I've had a much younger lover for several years now. I realise now that our relationship in unhealthy and I need to end it. The problem is that he has simply become obsessed with me. He will send me messages at all times of the day and night. What should I do?

User article | affairs, relationships

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Please answer my question. I know it's long but I am really in a very bad situation. I am a girl. I love a guy and he also loves me but he is in a relationship since 2 years with another girl. We all three know each other. Actually me and the guy came into contact because of our work and then we became very good friends and also started our business together. He was in a relationship and I was also in a relationship. Then i went through a breakup. At 1st we were very good friend and her girlfriend is also like a friend only but not as close as the guys was to me. Me and the guy are very much compatible with each other in every aspect even our career goals are also similar, our caste is also same (in our areas caste matters a lot) and I believe compatibility is a big factor for having feelings for each other and also proximity because of our work. It happens 5 months after my breakup (which was amicable), I got the hint that the guy is having feelings for me which he told me indirectly but i told him that i will never see you from that perspective as i was decided that i am never going to like a guy who is committed and also for other reasons. But later I fell for him and talked to him directly, we both confessed our feeling for each other. We both love each other so much. But later I realised that I confessed assuming that since he can like me even being in relationship it means he don't have feelings for her now so if he will know that I also like him he will breakup with that girl. And he never thought this kind of situation would arise because he thought I could never like him as I made it clear to him earlier. Now we are stuck in a situation where our work is involved. We both are co-founders of a 3 co-founding member organization and that girl is also doing volunteering with our organization. I also had good relations with her. They both are from different caste but the guy committed her to marry her way before he knew me and now his girlfriend do not want to breakup with him even though she knows about us, she is saying she will do something if he won't marry her and she has also conveyed the same thing to her family as her family used to be against their relationship because of their caste but now because of the girl's behaviour they are convinced and it is creating a pressure for this guy, he is stuck. Another problem is that a similar kind of situation happened with the girl's elder sister, she got married with a guy who was already married but they came to know about it just after marriage, so they divorced and she is married to someone else now but because of this case her family is scared that it might repeat with this girl also. I am also stuck because we know that we are perfect for each other but he is scared that if breakup with her she commit something bad it will ruin everyone's life including our family. And if he do not choose me then it will be very painful for us because we are in love at the same time it will affect our work/career because I feel like if he won't choose me I won't be able to be in contact with him which will cost our organization. He has requested me that if I don't choose you because of the situation, at least let's maintain our friendship as you are like my strength and I can't behave like that I don't know you and also because of our work but i think even if i try i won't be able to fulfill his this request if he won't choose me. Additionally, I am also getting pressure from my family because of my age but I am feeling stuck. I also feel guilty for that girl because i knew they were in relationship but I still have strong feelings for me and he also. Me and that guy is so stuck that it feels like our life will be ruined as everything is at stake from career to family.

User article | emotional affair, future planning, marriage, work

1

Should I forgive him?

My boyfriend was talking inappropriate stuff with his girl bf who he kissed long back before we met and discussed about marriage also which didn't happen. After dating me also they both continued talking inappropriate stuff, when I got to know this I asked him to stop he stop talking to her now, and we are planning to marry. Recently I got to know that before when they were talking to each other my bf despite of being in relationship with me asked her for a meet up in a resort before attending their common friend's marriage but apparently the meet up didn't happen. Now should I forgive him or not?

User article | trust, lies, affair, jealousy, friends

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Emotional attachment to rejection

How do you cope with rejection when there is an emotional attachment? 3 times since my x split with me back in sept last year I have chatted to women, got to know them a bit, net up with 2 of them. Went well,but then all of a sudden were going down different paths, we want different things etc. I dont know how to shsje the emotional attachment to these women. Each rejection is a killer emotionally, im over come with tears and anxiety, I don't wanna eat, feel a bit sick and just want to cry. Today I sat on my stairs at home whilst the kids were in the garden playing, and cried for a good 30mins. All because I was getting along with a woman I had only been chatting to for 48 hours (yes its mad and insane I know) n as soon as I said I was still living in the family home (as I can't afford to rent anywhere and she won't sell) she jumped n said she had been cheated on before n blocked me on WhatsApp without even giving me a chance to explain. I left a voice note but it was too late. How can I get emotionally attached to someone in that small amount of time? How do I change that, to stop feeling do emotional when the rejection comes? I've been let down before, but its been fine. These last 2 months though have been a struggle emotionally, and I dont know how to cope with the emotion of it

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So I started dating a Ukrainian woman at the beginning of October I am 43 and she is 37 and she has a son that is 11, when I first met her son he wanted to go back to Ukraine which she said they couldn’t because they have no idea what they would have. Then around Thanksgiving we found out she was pregnant. We were in different states at the time visiting family, while visiting family she wanted the baby and have a family. She got back to where we are living (same city) and when she got back she flipped and wanted to get rid of it. We went through it with me not wanting to get rid of the baby, she made her mind up and there was nothing I could have done that would have changed it. I proposed to her on Dec 15th, because we were going to start a family and I didn’t want her to think I wouldn’t support them. Her son and I bonded which she wanted, while Christmas shopping her son asked about Christmas Lights and was I putting anymore up? I said no, I think I am done for this year and he asked about doing more next year and I said no problem. I told her and she I think got scared because he wasn’t wanting to go back to Ukraine now and enjoying being here. We talked to an immigration lawyer to find out what the process was because I never did it before. Her and the Lawyer talked in Ukrainian which I think was about green card and if they could go back at some point. The lawyer said when you start the process you cannot go back. I think that scared her as well. We started talking about houses and she wanted a new house (mine is 40 years old and small closets). I told her we could look into it but I couldn’t sell at the moment as the market isn’t very good, but we did look at a couple. Everything was good until New Years and she started having doubts. I thought we worked them out and she said not everything. I will admit I do suck at communicating with someone (calling and texting). She was going to break up with me the beginning of January but I fought it and worked on communicating with her. She was happy I was doing that and said she wanted US no matter what differences we had. I following Thursday I followed her to watch her drop her son off and pick him up from school and on Friday of MLK day weekend I picked her son up. He was excited to move into my house. Well when she arrived she started walking through my home complaining about dust, closet space, and other things. Well we had a fall out. The next day I called to talk to her and have open communication and she gave me a bunch of doubts so I broke up with her and took back the ring. I haven’t talked to her in almost 2 weeks. Now I sit here thinking about her all the time, missing her and her son. People tell me I should text her and then other tell me not to. That you did nothing wrong and she needs to call you. I just want advice on what I should do.

User article | commitment

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Mental challenges of getting a divorce

Question Me and my wife have been married for 4 years and 11 months. We have 2 small children together. One is 1yr 4 months and the other is 3 years 6 months. She also has 2 from previous relationship ages 9 and 13. Long story short, I cheated on her in December of 2021, I left the house for about a month or so and we sort of got back together. I know I messed up, there’s no question about it. But things never went back to the way they were and I’ve been trying for almost a year and I’m basically done. I’m not happy at all, she doesn’t make me happy, we spend 2 weeks without talking and then 4 days which are good. Then back to the same routine over any little argument. I’m tired of being alone, actually I like being alone but I just hate feeling alone. And I don’t want to make it a habit to go running to another woman or looking for the attention that my wife doesn’t give me. My question is. What happens once you get a divorce? I’ve always wanted to give my kids the life that I didn’t have growing up (and I mean anything that makes them happy, a nice comfortable home, whatever toys they like etc) and I guess the only way for them to keep living their lifestyle is if I keep paying for everything, but then again I don’t want to live in a box myself. If I divorce my wife, what she makes won’t necessarily make ends meet….. she’s going to struggle with rent and everything else. I’ve been paying rent on her business location for 2 years, and what it costs me per month is about half of what she makes from there as well per month. I can’t pay that and everything else as well for my kids to live the same way. Heck I won’t even be able to pay for my own place basically if I keep coughing up all my salary on every single bill. I’m tired of being needed more than being loved. And I kinda feel like the only days that we are happy is when I’m spending money on her….. no idea. I know I did wrong, and we’ll I had my reasons which we spoke about them a few times and things never changed to what I wanted from her. I want someone who doesn’t need me, who is loving and caring, who at least says thank you for all the work I do in order to provide for my home, who’s proud of me and motivates me to keep on hustling harder and harder each month. In the end it’s for us…… I love my kids, I love spending time with them and taking care of them which I have no problem doing whatsoever. But I just feel like my happiness will cost them their well-being. And as far as getting a divorce, I rather be alone than to be with someone who basically ignores me all day. Who doesn’t trust me but does nothing to be around me. P.s her female cousin came from another country and is living with us now, and I hate having people in my home when things in my relationship aren’t going well. Like I said, im alone all day, if I talk to someone it’s work related….

User article | divorce

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A lot of issues regarding a breakup

So day before Halloween of this year 2022 my daughter not knowing why I couldn't go with then to trick or treat asked her mother why she hated me? whatever it was to get out the door for work whatever it was that's nor here or there but being male and joking as she slammed the door in my face I said oh well I guess you hate me and are man at me not meaning it at all or anything and my daughter was on her tablet so I could be having a full on conversation with her and she wouldn't hear a word I said how she heard that and applied it to the situation is beyond me so she accused me of telling my daughter thus directly and that my daughter hated her well all this over the phone texting she then proceeded to tell me that she wanted me to see other people that she wanted me happy and she couldn't make me happy obviously because we had no sex life our relationship was just to a roommate type feel she'd work come home go to bed not talking to anyone else we used to shower together and just talk to talk obviously I was broken and between that time and now she's been hot and cold moments she wants to come home share work with me talk about guys she works with and makes comments about it and one night she said she burnt her neck and that her boss was going to tell me he gave her a hicky to me well the burn was gone in days with no mark whatsoever that night she was out at work till 4 am when she is off at 11pm told me she worked late and then came in in someone else's pants told me she shit her pants and had to wear those well being dumb I believed everyword of it not questioning a thing well cleaning up the house I went into the room and found a pregnancy test box that was empty it was fairly new I know this cuz I clean in the room quiet often well I grabbed the trash and lo and behold there's a used pregnancy test in the bottom of the trash can I went into panic mode since we are broke up but living together and have 2 children I calmly asked her through a text if she was busy she said no and well I called her she was eating lunch and I could tell she was annoyed but I asked her is she seeing someone else she said kinda and my heart broke she then said something idk what I asked I thought we were trying to work on things and she again told me she couldn't forgive me for supposedly telling our daughter those things out right well she at that point admitted she was kinda seeing someone else and then she hung up on me mad and pissed I called I asked her when she planned on telling me and she said calmly when she had her life figured out so I asked are you sleeping with someone she did the whole yea right when do I have time speech and everyone knows if your sleeping with someone you make time she asked why I asked so I told her I was cleaning her room and found the pregnancy test box and that I found the recently used pregnancy test in her trash we use clear bags so it wasn't hard to see anyway she got defensive and told me she got them for someone else at work sure that's believable but then I asked why she had a used pregnancy test in her trash she told me she had it in her bag and forgot to throw it out at work I asked why would you have another girls pregnancy test hidden in your bag and them bring it home and throw it away along with the box she then got upset and said nothing is safe from me and I told her the truth that I was cleaning house knowing she is working but I don't belive that for a minute about the other girl having the test and the fact she brought it home and had the box hidden in the closet its dumb she said she bought the test for a girl at work hint these girls according to her arr all in relationships aside from her but im sure she has slept with someone else that's like her finding a condom box hidden in my car and then finding a used condom in the trash and me saying it was my buddies rubber ya know so I'm guessing she has slept with a guy had unprotected sex and was worried she was pregnant because again why bring some girls preg test home and not throw it in the trash at work and why have the box hidden in the closet idk what im asking but I have to be stupid to think we can make things work since I know that what she has told me is a obvious lie now im not a Saint in this all I don't listen like I should have and when she was upset about things I'd turn it around as I took it she was comming at me so I made myself the victim and idk why I did that I gaslight her and that was shitty of me to do I see where I was wrong and what I needed to do to fix I've been going to therapy I deal with severe panic disorder aka anxiety bad and I'm a wreak she didn't talk to me at all last night when she got home she talked to our daughter and told her if she's upset to tell her not to tell her she hates her well in talking with my daughter and asking why she said she hated her mom she was mad her mom works all the time and when she's not working she's sleeping or in her well our room alone me and both kids sleep in the living room and I have taken the main role as stay at home parent only because her job has became top priority over my job eventhough my job was well established before hers but she had to work a certain shift to train and then has to work 16 hr shifts when she's told too she can say no and isn't allowed to miss work in 120 days or they terminate so idk if im holding on to a lost cause and hope that she is or has told the truth or not about everything like I said I'd have to be dumb to believe a story like that again idk what im looking for out of this but we have been together for 8 yrs and she stood by me through all the bs from my ex wife and criminal charges that came with it too we have a home together and live together I can't move out and I can't have her just up and leave so what needs to be done am I holding on to a broken dream or hopes that this can be fixed yes if she cheated I'd be broken but idk really idk what to say or do

User article | breakups, trust

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Hiii guys. I have a boyfriend for 2 years going on 3. We have a kid and he’s just my world and I always want to do right by my kid. Should i stay with dad or not. I don’t know because I also love him and want to be with him. Tonight he didn’t get off work till 8 and we were going to watch the new season of Fate on Netflix and by 9 he’s just falls asleep and I understand he’s tired so I wake him up and tell him he falling asleep and he wants to continue watching the show and that’s fine and so he falls asleep again and wants to continue watching again and the third time I tell him if you’re tired go sleep and he’s says no and honestly it gets on my nerves having to repeat each time that he’s falling asleep and and refuses to go to bed. Anyways I get upset because it’s a Friday and doesn’t stay awake it sounds dumb I know but the thing is that he stays up and plays his PlayStation until like 5 on Friday, Saturday and Sunday and on weekdays sometimes he stays up till 1 playing but when he spends time with me he falls a sleep every 5 seconds. I mean it makes me fell terrible like I’m boring or doesn’t want to spend time with me and it’s not like it’s a one time conversation, we’ve had several and trust me it’s not an easy one cause he gets MAD at me, and it’s not a mad conversation he always has to be dramatic about it, he yells at me and covers his face up and doesn’t want to look at me, or even talk to me earlier he hit my phone cause I was telling him to brush his teeth before bed and didn’t like that he eventually moved to the living room telling me to go away while I was trying to get the covers off his face so he could look at him but doing so he like getting mad with it land that hurts because I’m a very calm person, I don’t yell, I just talk, and I hate when he treats me this way. I always chase after him even when he just in the living room, I’m siting here typing his and he’s literally sleeping in the living room. He has never once chased me. Literally I feel like he doesn’t love me, i feel like I’m not worth loving. This is every fight and I know he has anger issues but like I tell that he work on it cause and he does and then it reverts to this. He has never hit me but he does scare me. I have so many stories about it but never changes my sake or my child. But we never really fights in front of him. There’s been like 1 time when we did and I dreaded it, he was screaming and yelling I felt the worse mom ever. It broke my heart and I told him that will never happen again. I always tell myself that if this keeps up I will have to leave because I can’t keep doing this, I can’t tell if I stay for myself of my kid. I can’t tell if I should go or stay. I can’t tell if he loves me or not. He says he does but I feel like he doesn’t. I don’t know why I even bother to try in my relationship, it feels like I’m holding on to nothing. Just so you guys know. He’s a good guy with a good heart and good daddy. He a hard worker and works long hours which I hate, but as he says he doesn’t for me and our child. If I want something he gets it even if we’re low money or need something, or helps me clean if I ask him too, he always drives cause i hate driving. If this is all over the place I’m sorry, I myself am all over the place.

User article | parenting, balance

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Husband showing little understanding

I’m 62 and my husband is 57. We’ve been married for nearly 14 years and it’s the second marriage for both of us. We got on well as we had the same sense of humour and shared a lot in common. However recently I broke a leg and badly dislocated my ankle. This came right before my husband went to a very big reunion involving his side of the family (which I was due to attend but couldn’t due to my injury). When we met my husband was not speaking to his two sons or to his only brother (he has no sisters). Since he came back from the reunion he has had very little time or patience for me and I’ve been literally crawling on all fours around our bungalow when I’m unable to use the rollator the hospital lent me. He went back to work the day after the reunion leaving me alone and unable to even make a cup of tea, as I can’t carry it. He always was a little bit impatient, but I find myself being astonished at his behaviour lately. Yesterday he watched me crawl into the garden then promptly got himself only a chair and sat in the only piece of shade. He has said to me I must ask if I want something, but surely he should have some initiative and see some of the things I need. Otherwise it feels like me begging for certain things. What do others think - is it just coincidence that he had the reunions then got a lot worse, or do you feel it probably has nothing to do with that? Thanks.

User article | marriage, family

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