How to reduce stress during separation
Splitting up with a partner is a stressful process whether you were married or living together. If you are ending a marriage, rather than a cohabiting relationship, you may come into contact with divorce lawyers at some stage. Using collaborative (rather than adversarial) lawyers may help you and your ex-partner avoid getting into long, drawn-out battles that could be difficult for the whole family. When ex-partners take control of the situation and communicate in a respectful way, separation or divorce is likely to be quicker, less expensive and less stressful. This isn’t going to be realistic for every couple but if you can agree some basic communication rules at the start of the process you may be able to avoid a longer battle. You may find it useful to take a look at the Getting it Right for Children course. The course will show you how to work on core communication skills that can be useful throughout the separation process, including: Staying calm and listening Seeing things differently Speaking for yourself Sticking to the point Negotiating Working things out The legal side As well as setting some ground rules with each other, it’s a good idea to read up on the legal side of things, so you feel more in control of your divorce or separation. The Legal Ombudsman has a downloadable guide that can help you decide some key decisions and what to think about when using a lawyer to help with your separation. The guide is based on common issues and complaints including finances and property, and includes top tips to help make the right decisions during the divorce process. You can download a copy of the guide from The Legal Ombudsman.
Article | separation, divorce, stress
0 2 min read
“I can't stop grieving”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My ex broke it off about six months ago. We had some contact since then and about two months ago we met up and slept together. We started communicating more after that but had an argument the following week and he just cut contact. He said he couldn't talk to me and I said if he couldn't then he had to move on from me. I got no response back and he hasn't made contact since. I feel so hurt and still stuck in limbo. I'm so sad all the time and can't talk to anyone about it. I told my mum I was depressed about it still and her reaction was "Well, it's been a long time", as if I shouldn't care anymore. But I can't stop hurting. Today is really bad. I started taking St John's Worts about a week ago as I've been really low for a while now. The relationship was on and off for a long time. He wanted me back about a month after we initially split with me, but I didn't go back because he had finished it so many times and I couldn't bare the on off anymore. Now I'm lost. The reality of not being with him hurts even though being with him hurts too. Has anyone got any advice for how I can move forward and stop this pain? Do I contact him to get closure, or should I just let him go?
Ask the community | ex-partner
“Was it his depression?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I was dating my ex for around a year and thought we were strong and suddenly four weeks ago he dumped me by text and said he wasn't in love with me and never was. Some background to this. We met last year and neither of us were looking for a relationship it just kind of happened both of us had been badly hurt i was in an abusive relationship and felt i couldnt trust anyone but he was different and i fell in love with him and we were happy so i thought. I knew he suffered depression as do I but we seemed perfect. Then his father had a stroke and weeks later we found out cancer on the brain and lungs caused this and he died within 4 weeks of us finding out. I helped nurse his dad daily and he asked for my help and supported my partner throughout and was with him when he passed away at christmas. I did everything to support him i even collected his dads ashes as he couldn't face it. He became depressed and withdrawn and a bit cold towards me emotionally and physically he lost interest which i completely understood as he was mourning his dad. Things seemed to be getting better then suddenly he told me he didnt love me and i was to needy even though i was there at his request constantly and i can find someone who will treat me like i deserve to be treated and loved and he didnt want a relationship or intimacy with anyone at the minute and hes not even sure what the hell he wants in his head and needs space. As you can imagine its broke my heart im in love with him and adore him like mad and i dont know what i did wrong. But...now he cant stop texting me daily and wants to spend time with me and wants my help and advice and he texts me every day all day and even last week while he was in spain he spoke to me and text me as soon as he got off the plane and wanted to see me as soon as he got home and i stupidly went because i love him so much and he said he wants me in his life. Hes also going off to Paris in a couple of weeks to sort out and run a new business and has to be there for two weeks and home for a week for the next 3 months and im so confused with what's going on with his feelings towards me as he obviously feels something but im scared to ask because i dont want to lose him completely. Could his depression have made him say those horrible things to me as ive never said a bad thing to him and we've had one fight in all that time and i dont know what to do as i dont want to be with anyone else but him. Will being patient make him realise what hes lost with me? Help..
Ask the community | decline, depression, personal struggles
“I regret my decision to break up”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My now ex-girlfriend and I had a really strong relationship until the beginning of this school year in September when things began going downhill. We had a relationship for over a year when I decided to end it about 2 weeks ago. After many ups and downs, and getting through a lot of rough patches, I finally pushed the decision to separate after these reasons pushed me to: Throughout the year, I was feeling more and more uncomfortable with the way she behaved around other guys at school. To me, it seemed she was being really talkative and flirtatious, which made me really uncomfortable. She claimed that it was just a part of her “personality” when I approached her about it and that she is just friendly, but it still seems to me that her behaviour around other guys and the amount she talks to them is a bit too much. One of the hardest things to get around that caused me to want to break up is my distrust in her when it comes to seeing other guys. About a month ago we went through a large rough patch when she got in an accident and totalled her car. Instead of riding the bus, she decided to get a ride from another guy that she knows I do not like, which I cannot keep her from doing as it is her choice, but was frustrating and made me uncomfortable. I didn’t find out until about a week later she had gotten more than one ride from him since the accident and did not tell me she was doing that. I already felt unsure about my trust with her and if she had been cheating or seeing other guys behind my back before this, although I have no evidence I just have a gut feeling with no explanation. There are several other reasons for our break up like her friends disliking me, and her making friends with people I know are up to no good. I claimed she is irresponsible, and she claimed I was overreacting about these things. Lately though, I have felt like I regret my decision and want to be back with her because things seem harder when I’m not dating her, but only when our relationship doesn’t introduce more of a problem. My questions are, why do I feel that she’s cheating on me without evidence? Do I have reason to be mad at her for what she’s done? Should I get back together with her or is this a lost cause? I am really stuck and the amount of emotional turmoil I feel is going on right now is making it hard to see the answers to these questions clearly.
Ask the community | trust
Top ten reasons divorce petitions are rejected
The family law organisation Resolution has shared a list of the top reasons divorce petitions are rejected by divorce centres. Getting divorced is complicated enough with emotions flying around and practical arrangements to deal with. If you’re getting ready to file for divorce, it’s useful to know some of the pitfalls of submitting your application, so that you can handle the process as efficiently as possible. In 2015, there was a change to the way divorces are processed, with the responsibility for considering cases moving from district judges to legal advisors in new divorce centres across England and Wales. The change helped highlight some of the errors commonly made on applications for divorce petitions. Nationwide, around 40% of petitions are returned due to errors or missing information. This slows down the process and creates extra work for the person filing for divorce. The main reasons for petitions being returned include: No fee being enclosed with the application. Incorrect details on the form, such as the wrong place and date of the marriage. Marriage certificate not included. When you file for divorce, it’s important to check that you’ve included the right information with your application. The main things you need are your and your spouse’s full names and addresses, and your marriage certificate. You can find all the details on gov.uk, with a link to the form you need to submit. If you want further support in getting all the details of your petition right, you might want to consider talking with a family solicitor. Most solicitors will be able to offer 15 minutes of free legal advice as you decide the best course of action. Here, in full, are the top ten reasons divorce petitions are returned: 1. No fee enclosed.2. Details of marriage, incorrect. Names do not match marriage certificate. Place of marriage. Date of marriage. 3. Jurisdiction page, incomplete and incorrect.4. Other proceedings or arrangements, incomplete.5. The facts. Grounds do not match statement of case. Two grounds selected. 6. Statement of case, insufficient detail or incomplete.7. No marriage certificate received. No original marriage certificate enclosed. No translation of marriage certificate. Only photocopy of marriage certificate enclosed. 8. No certificate of reconciliation received from solicitor.9. No fee remission contribution received.10. Service details. Not complete. No address for service for all parties.
Article | divorce
A quick financial guide to divorce
If you’re going through a divorce, money might be the last thing on your mind, but having your finances in order can help make sure you get a fair deal in the separation. Assets Among the stack of emotions surrounding the end of your marriage and the possible effect on your children, it’s important to get a handle on your assets well in advance of court proceedings. This means everything you own and the money stored in your accounts. During divorce proceedings, the court will assess your and your partner’s joint assets, but also any individual bank accounts and credit cards you hold. It’s worth doing a roundup of all your current accounts, savings accounts, and any investments you have, to give yourself an idea of what is likely to be taken into consideration. If you own your home, whether jointly or separately, you can get it valued for free. This will allow you to compare the value with the remaining balance on your mortgage to see if you have any equity – in other words, whether you would make or lose money if the house were sold. As well as accounts and property, the value of any expensive items you own, such as cars, jewellery, or musical instruments may be considered by the court too. Assets that you brought into the marriage are not usually considered, so anything you owned before getting married shouldn’t come into play. This might include a house you sold to buy a joint home with your partner. Gathering this information in advance can give you an idea of your combined assets and help prepare you for court. Debts Your debts will also be considered. If you and your partner have any shared debts in both names, including overdrafts on joint accounts or outstanding balances on credit cards, then you both have a legal responsibility to pay them off. If you’re having trouble with debts, let your creditors know that you are going through a divorce as they may be willing to freeze the interest temporarily. You won’t be able to close any shared or individual accounts until they have been brought into credit. You may also have shared debts that are held in your own name, such as a personal credit card that you used to pay for a family holiday. Legally, these are your sole responsibility, even if your ex-partner had a part in accruing the debt.  If your ex is unwilling to contribute, you may need to prove that the spending was for both of you. You may be able to transfer the balance to an interest-free card, to keep the overall costs down in the long run. Hannah Maundrell, editor in chief of money.co.uk, says: “Debts taken out in joint names will continue to be the responsibility of both parties and so both will need to ensure that repayments are met in full and on time. The exception is credit cards where additional cardholders do not share responsibility for the balance and repayments – this sits with the primary cardholder. Those taken out in sole names before a couple combine their finances will continue to be the responsibility of the person that took them out (unless they get their partner added). “The above will generally hold when it comes to divorce; however, in some instances the courts will take both pre-marital debts and those taken on during the marriage into consideration when they’re dividing assets and allocating maintenance payments etc.” When considering how to share out a separating couple’s assets, the first thing the courts will take into account is your children. If you own your home, it’s very likely that your property will be granted to whichever of you has the children living with them most of the time. Even if the home is in your name, it won’t necessarily be given to you. This can be very difficult to deal with, but it’s a possibility that you need to be prepared for. After separation, you will need to start managing your finances as an individual. For many people, this can mean an increase in living costs, as things like house payments and bills are no longer divided between two. If you’ve become accustomed to living with shared finances, you might find it useful to keep a record of what your new lifestyle is costing you. Having a budget can help you identify areas where you might be overspending and where you can make savings. You might also want to look into whether or not you’ve become eligible for certain benefits, including child maintenance. If you have a will and it refers to your ex-spouse, you may need to amend it. You can also add a ‘statement of wishes’ to your will, which is just a letter explaining why your spouse is not included. Once everything is under control, there is a process that allows you to separate your finances from those of your ex. It’s called ‘financial disassociation’, and most credit agencies offer an online form where you can request this. You will need to demonstrate that you no longer live together and that all joint financial products have been closed. Once this is done, your credit rating will no longer be affected by your ex’s financial status. Even after a relationship ends, communication is still important. The more you and your ex-spouse can agree with in advance, the simpler the process will be. Hannah Maundrell says: “Discussing money with your ex may not be an option, but if you can talk things through then it will make life a lot easier. That said, it’s vital you know your rights; you’ll continue to be responsible for repaying joint borrowing, and you’ll both be able to access money in joint accounts. “Write down all of your shared accounts, debts, policies and investments so you can clearly see where you stand and start separating them one by one until all that’s left to do is financially disassociate yourself from one another via a credit reference agency”.
Article | divorce, finance
0 6 min read
“When do I cut the cord?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My boyfriend went on vacation for two weeks with his family. Suddenly I felt so relieved that he was gone. He was playing video games a lot and appearing very addicted and more into them than life itself. We had a lot of arguments about playing a healthy amount and he only resented me for it. I started carrying negativity around with me because of him without even realizing it. I felt like he loved me because of how he’d look at me after a fight - that twinkle and long gaze still in his eyes. I thought he loved me when he’d tell me how beautiful, hot, gorgeous I was and would wrap me in a big bear hug. I thought he’d love me when he’d regularly go grocery shopping with me and help me cook each meal. I felt like we were a real team. However other things can drain even these special moments in a relationship. He would make false promises about when he would be done his game late at night. He would be inconsiderate about me getting my sleep. He didn’t seem that interested about my job and at his worst said, “I don’t know how much longer I can handle being married to a teacher”. He didn’t see me for me anymore. I’d text him things during this vacation that were of interest and when we’d finally talk a few days later he wouldn’t even think to ask about them. He’d also decide to end the conversation when he was ready - this most recent time because he wanted to go and eat snacks. A much more courteous thing would have been to ask if there is anything else I wanted to say or ask if we were done and to set up a follow-up phone call. Nope, just goodbye and that’s that. I’m at the point of not wanting to care anymore but still caring that he has treated me like shit and dragged me through his depression and stress of the last 8-12 months and still is just barely average on the scale of being a considerate boyfriend (in my eyes at this moment). I get together with friends who make me feel much more heard and interesting. They do it by truly listening. They do it by admiring my profession - many of them are in my profession and they understand its meaning and power. I find myself with someone who wants to hide out in the virtual world playing video games, while I’ve been going to work and slaying dragons face to face daily. I told him on the phone today how it felt nice in some ways to be alone because I didn’t have to worry about being disappointed or dishonoured anymore. He just brushed it off as if it was no big deal. He didn’t want to acknowledge the ugliness of his ways. His false promises. I’m stuck thinking about the seemingly perfect guy he was for the first 2.5 years of our relationship who morphed in the past year into someone very reserved, depressed and obsessed with World of Warcraft. I don’t even think it matters now that the obsession is World of Warcraft. I think it could be anything and his value of me would instantly sink to being second on the list. I’m at a point where being single might actually be better and yet I have my hand holding onto this heart that feels so nice to have my ear pressed against. A warm body that feels so good to snuggle. Someone who loves me without makeup and accepts my healthy diet goals and eats the same way. Someone who values meditation as I do. Yet someone who keeps fucking up, acting selfish and immature and not learning from their hurtful mistakes. This vacation came at a bad time where I feel abandoned. He was just starting to make positive changes - he threw out the weed he had secretly been smoking twice a day (sigh), and was doing enemas and the sauna treatments for the healing program he is on but was not doing properly a year ago. I just feel worse after talking to him. I feel like he is an asshole. I actually hate him for all he’s done or hasn’t done. When he is in the apartment with me you let it go. You are kind to the person in front of you. Now that he is gone however, it sits there and I am full of rage for someone who couldn’t understand my values or concerns or worries. I am reminded of how he has made me feel unheard, powerless, as if my job is insignificant and as if I just can’t compete with his hobbies which are clearly so much more interesting if he has trouble pulling himself away from them to interact with me. I am the prize he thinks he has won and suddenly got too lazy to keep happy. He reads all the self-help, deep quotes, and insightful videos I send him and agrees with their messages or says he finds them inspiring. But his words mean nothing now. They mean absolutely nothing. So I look to his actions and feel disappointed. I see the same selfish ways in the little things. “I’m hungry, so I guess we should end this conversation so I can go get snacks”. Lame. When do I just cut the cord, cry over what never was and move on? OR when does he finally find ways to snap out of the depression and become the kind and considerate and present person he once was? I can’t tell if I am a fool for giving up on someone who is about to be spiritually reborn and awaken from the darkness, or if I am a fool for wasting my time in something that was never meant to be.
Ask the community | addiction, communication
Housing issues after separation
The risk of losing your home, and uncertainty about where you will live, are major worries when a relationship is ending. One short-term option is to carry on living together until you’re ready to physically separate. Many couples find this breathing space useful to find out more about their options before making any big decisions. Although this arrangement can put quite a strain on a separating couple, it can give children a chance to get used to the idea of a separation while both parents are available to answer questions. If you want to leave the home quickly, speak to family or friends who may be able to offer you a place to stay. If you are at risk of violence or abuse and need to leave immediately, you can contact a support organisation like Domestic Violence Helpline, Women's Aid or Refuge. Alternatively, you can go to your local council for advice. Longer term options will depend on things like whether you rent or own your home; whether the children will be living with you; your financial situation; and what your rights are. You can check how these factors affect your personal situation at gov.uk. Broadly speaking, your options are: You stay in the house and your partner moves out. Your partner stays in the house and you move out. You both leave and find two new places to live. One of you moves out, but keeps the option of returning later. If you own your home, it doesn’t necessarily have to be sold when you separate, and the person whose name is on the tenancy agreement doesn't necessarily have to be the person who stays there. Understanding your legal position and the financial consequences of any decisions you make will be an important part of the negotiations with your partner.  A family mediator or family solicitor can help you take a realistic look at the options before you decide on the best option for your family. You can find information about your legal rights online at Shelter or gov.uk. You can also speak to someone at Citizen’s Advice, or contact a solicitor who can help make sure you understand your rights around the family home. 
Article | housing, domestic violence
0 3 min read
“The man I loved kicked me out”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I need anyone's advice or some kind words to help me thru this.. 1 week ago the man I loved with all my heart and soul (father of my 4 Y.O. son) said he wasn't happy and basically kicked me out telling my son "go with your mom". I love him so much even though very early on I seen all the signs he was verbally abusive and heartless from the beginning but for some reason I put up with all of it. I was a stay at home mom for 5 years taking care of my daughter from a previous relationship and his son also from a prior relationship (I potty trained him and love him like my own son)... To sum it up, every time I got a job he was jealous so I'd quit.. he always took his exes side but she would drop off their son with me when it was convenient to her. He told me I was ugly stupid, a bitch, dumb, and that he wished he knew how I really was before he met me, that I tricked him into getting me pregnant. After my son was born I had post party depression and It never went away. Evolved into depression. I'm only 32 years old but I've already gone thru menopause ( my dr says it's from all the stress and complications from the abortion he made me have) so I gained weight and lost my self esteem and the little confidence i had. My daughter chose to live with her dad instead of seeing me so unhappy. Still I loved him and had the house clean and washed ironed his clothes. In my eyes he was absolutely gorgeous and too good for me. Even though he is bald and desperate to turn back time by working out daily and applies hair regrowth (secretly) every day. I felt myself slipping deeper into depression and feeling useless. I stopped going anywhere with him, feeling too far or ugly and embarrassed. I felt him getting fed up and disappointed in my appearance and I didn't have ambition to even get out of bed. He told me he was unhappy n that i needed to leave. Since he paid for all the furniture i wasn't allowed to take anything. He wouldn't look at me and told me I was a pussy for caring about him so much. I know I sound so stupid after everything he's done to me and its clear I love him way more then he loves me but I'm having a really hard time not texting him. We have a previous court order in affect stating he only see our son 3 hrs a week supervised visitations but my son asks for him and I've let him take him for a couple hrs each day hoping he will show some remorse but he goes back to making me feel beneath him. I feel like I am better then this but it's really hard knowing I've put my all into a relationship and someone who can care less about me.. please help I need advice
Ask the community | breakups, verbal abuse, contact