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Mental challenges of getting a divorce


Me and my wife have been married for 4 years and 11 months.

We have 2 small children together. One is 1yr 4 months and the other is 3 years 6 months. She also has 2 from previous relationship ages 9 and 13.

Long story short, I cheated on her in December of 2021, I left the house for about a month or so and we sort of got back together. I know I messed up, there’s no question about it. But things never went back to the way they were and I’ve been trying for almost a year and I’m basically done. I’m not happy at all, she doesn’t make me happy, we spend 2 weeks without talking and then 4 days which are good. Then back to the same routine over any little argument. I’m tired of being alone, actually I like being alone but I just hate feeling alone. And I don’t want to make it a habit to go running to another woman or looking for the attention that my wife doesn’t give me.

My question is.

What happens once you get a divorce? I’ve always wanted to give my kids the life that I didn’t have growing up (and I mean anything that makes them happy, a nice comfortable home, whatever toys they like etc) and I guess the only way for them to keep living their lifestyle is if I keep paying for everything, but then again I don’t want to live in a box myself. If I divorce my wife, what she makes won’t necessarily make ends meet….. she’s going to struggle with rent and everything else. I’ve been paying rent on her business location for 2 years, and what it costs me per month is about half of what she makes from there as well per month. I can’t pay that and everything else as well for my kids to live the same way. Heck I won’t even be able to pay for my own place basically if I keep coughing up all my salary on every single bill. I’m tired of being needed more than being loved. And I kinda feel like the only days that we are happy is when I’m spending money on her….. no idea. I know I did wrong, and we’ll I had my reasons which we spoke about them a few times and things never changed to what I wanted from her. I want someone who doesn’t need me, who is loving and caring, who at least says thank you for all the work I do in order to provide for my home, who’s proud of me and motivates me to keep on hustling harder and harder each month. In the end it’s for us…… I love my kids, I love spending time with them and taking care of them which I have no problem doing whatsoever. But I just feel like my happiness will cost them their well-being. And as far as getting a divorce, I rather be alone than to be with someone who basically ignores me all day. Who doesn’t trust me but does nothing to be around me.

P.s her female cousin came from another country and is living with us now, and I hate having people in my home when things in my relationship aren’t going well. Like I said, im alone all day, if I talk to someone it’s work related….

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