“I want to get away from my husband”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hi Please bear with me whilst i explain, but i really need some advice if possible. I have checked my husbands facebook this morning, i dont know why as i havnt for a long time and promised to stop doing it ( i used to as he has cheated several times in the past) and i have seen a message from someone i think he had an affair with years ago, but never could prove it. The message i think was her follow up to meeting him at work, where she has told him something, i dont know what, but she did say something along the lines of 'i hope your ok, i just thought you should know as its your marriage on the line, and i didnt think it was fair even if she didn't go through with it' i have no idea what that was referring to, but to me it sounds like he has been up to something with someone and its about to come out? its left me really confused, because looking through his facebook and he has been looking at hot tub getaways for us secretly (our anniversary is coming up), he says lovely things on facebook about me and doesn't seem to be having an affair? but i cant ask him what it is all about otherwise he will know iv been on his facebook again. The trouble is it is eating away at me, and i've come to realise today that i don't trust him, not one bit! Im a nervous wreck when he goes out and look for clues he may have been with someone, i hate when he gets drunk as he loses morals,and sometimes he will start being cocky and starts with all the insults, he gets at the kids who are autistic and its really unfair to them, and he is drinking a lot lately, every night in fact but most weekends are spent with him being drunk or hungover. His dad is an alcoholic and my husband is going the same way, i thought he was getting help but he wasn't turning up to the sessions, a letter came through the post saying they were sorry he couldn't attend but he denied it, and said they must have made a mistake. I've had enough and want to leave, right now! But i dont know how to, i have 3 kids, no money, nowhere to go, so i am trapped. I need to go away from him altogether, we have tried to split up several times in the past but he always sweet talks his way back. If i don't do it now then ill go on for the next few weeks/months with it all going round in my head and pretending everything is fine, then ill never do it, at all. i cant keep going through this but i just don't know how to break away, if i ask him to leave he will find ways to keep coming back, obviously the kids are one excuse for him, and i'm too soft with him. I don't want to take the kids away from him, i wouldn't do that, but i just need to be away from him for now, but cant leave him with the kids so i'm stuck. It might seem i'm being a bit hasty but i have had enough of this over the years, that message was the last straw, and the fact i'm still checking up on him says it all really. how do i break free? i really need some advice on where to start if possible. thanks in advance x
Ask the community | trust, jealousy
How can I deal with jealousy?
Jealousy can be a strange and powerful feeling. It’s closely linked to self-esteem [1] and may reflect how confident you feel in your relationship [2]. The more confident you are that your partner is committed to you, the less you’ll worry about them leaving you. If you’re not secure in the relationship, then it may not take much to set off your jealous feelings.  Jealousy itself won’t necessarily do your relationship any harm [2], but acting on jealous feelings can be very destructive [3]. Left unchecked, jealously can lead to behaviour that you might not be proud of – seeking constant reassurance, making accusations, becoming possessive, and even threatening to break up [4]. The following tips can help you boost your self-esteem, increase your confidence, and start to deal with your jealousy. Accept the jealousy The next time you feel jealous, remember that it’s just a feeling and you don’t have to act on it. This might not be easy – if your usual responses have become ingrained over the years, it might take you a few goes to change things. Breathe slowly, and notice the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing. You may feel angry or anxious – that’s OK. Just accept that it’s happening and give yourself a chance to reflect before you act. Talk to your partner When difficult feelings come up, it’s usually easier to deal with them straight away [5]. Talk to your partner and try to focus on describing your own feelings, rather than their behaviour. Let go of blame, and explain to your partner that you sometimes get upset or worried about losing them. Be clear that you’re not asking them to change anything, but that you’re trying to deal with some unpleasant feelings. Listen Give your partner a chance to respond. You may find it helpful to ask what would be the best way for you to talk about similar feelings in the future, so you can build up your own way of communicating about your feelings as a couple. Tackle negative thinking Like other forms of worry, jealousy can lead you to focus on the negative, and misinterpret your partner’s behaviour. Remember that your jealous thoughts don’t necessarily reflect reality – you may think your partner is interested in someone else, but that doesn’t make it true. Take some time to reflect on the deeper feelings behind your jealousy. If you are truly afraid of losing your partner, ask yourself why your confidence has been rocked, and what you can do about it. Tackle your assumptions Sometimes when we have low self-esteem, we can read meaning into things that have nothing to do with us. If we’re feeling down, we might see someone yawn and assume it’s because they find us boring when, really, they might just be tired. The same can happen in your relationship. When something happens that makes you feel jealous, ask yourself what else might be going on. Sometimes people dress up to feel more confident amongst their peers, and not to attract a new partner! Develop your communication skills You can improve your confidence in the relationship by working on your communication skills with your partner. Make a habit of praising each other, planning fun experiences together, and being on the lookout for positive behaviour from each other. Over time, this can help boost your self-esteem and strengthen your relationship. Accept uncertainty You can never know for sure that your partner won’t leave you. It’s instinctive to want to protect yourself from the fear of rejection, but uncertainty is a part of life and a part of every relationship. When you accept this, it can give you a new sense of freedom to stop worrying about what your relationship might become, and get back to enjoying what it is. References [1] DeSteno, D., Valdesolo, P., Bartlett, M. Y. (2006). Jealousy and the Threatened Self: Getting to the Heart of the Green-Eyed Monster. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91 (4), pp.626-641. [2] Sheets, L.V., Fredendall, L.L., & Claypool, H. M. (1997). Jealousy Evocation, Partner Reassurance, and Relationship Stability: An Exploration of the Potential Benefits of Jealousy. Evolution and Human Behavior, 18 (6), 387-402. [3] White, G.L., & Mullen, P.E. (1989). Jealousy: Theory, Research, and Clinical Strategies. Guildford, New York. [4] Carson, C. L., & Cupach, W. R. (2000). Fueling the flames of the green eyed monster: The role of ruminative thought in reaction to romantic jealousy. Western Journal of Communication, 64, 308–329.  [5] Theiss, J. A. and Solomon, D. H. (2006). Coupling Longitudinal Data and Multilevel Modeling to Examine the Antecedents and Consequences of Jealousy Experiences in Romantic Relationships: A Test of the Relational Turbulence Model. Human Communication Research, 32: 469–503.
Article | jealousy, trust
0 4 min read
“Boyfriend travelled to meet his ex”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hi, My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for about two years now. We have been friends for over three years as we were in the same college. We were seeing other people before we started dating. He is super insecure and we have had multiple disagreements and arguments over me being in touch with my guy friends. He, however, is super social and has many female friends in his inner friends' circle. He is in touch with all his exes and although I am not super happy about it, I don't mind either. Recently, he travelled to another city for some work(as he says but i am highly suspicious about) and chose to stay at his ex's place. I wasn't happy by the idea and told him upfront that i would be hurt if he stays with her. He still chose to stay at her place and hardly contacted me all the while (just two messages and no calls in three days). I don't even know if his ex is aware of his relationship with me. He says he loves me and he is very loyal and did nothing wrong, but somehow I am not convinced. I feel insulted and de-valued. What am I supposed to do? Am I overthinking?
Ask the community | ex-partner, jealousy
“I've never met his children”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My partner of two years has two children from a previous marriage. I am yet to meet his children but he has said in the past that he would like me to meet them. He has custody of his children every other weekend and has decided this is not enough so wants to have them every Monday after school, returning them to school on Tuesdays. He told me this and asked my opinion on this whilst we were out queuing to buy tickets at the cinema. I told him it would be good all around if they had extras days as a family and Monday seemed to be the best day as it would not interrupt their activities during the week. We proceeded to get our tickets but I could see that his mood changed. I did not say anything but had an inkling it had to do with his children as he often picks fights with me about his children I have never met. He would say I don’t show interest but I ask about and listen to what he tells me about them all the time. After the cinema walking to the car he said that when he asked about him having his children on a Monday (he told me but did not ask opinion,I gave as a normal response) that my tone was flat. I said I disagreed and if he wanted a more indepth conversation there is a time and place with no distractions. He then proceeded to ask if I have a problem with his children and asked what do I think of him having children. This question is asked again after two years???? We tend had a full on argument because I felt attacked for no real reason I don’t have children of my own. We don’t live together but spend a lot of time together, which I hope would be extended to his children spending time with us as a couple but also alone time with their father. It is now a running theme where always pick fights or speaks to me in a tone when the subject involves his children. I can’t seem to be left alone if he feels I have not responded in the way he perceives as the right way to respond when answering questions about his children. I am never negative towards them and I am wondering what life would be like if I did meet them if he acts the way he does. My partner did have a troubled childhood. One aspect is that he does not know his father. I am at a loss. Please advise.
User article | parenting