“My wife and her stepson”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My wife of 5 years “hates” my son. Hate probably isn't the accurate description, but she is extremely upset by him. She insists he hates her and the reason their relationship is so bad is because he secretly despises her and wishes she wasn't with me. None of that is true. Accept after years of torment and emotional abuse, he now understandably wishes she wasn't around. I am certain thats because she is pretty much awful to him always. By awful, I mean she doesn't like to see him. She is constantly upset if she sees him on his phone, or watching TV. This is regardless of how long he has been doing either. She unilaterally controls his bedtime, tv, and phone. She won't touch his laundry, and gets angry if he leaves it in the washer or dryer. I don't really have a say in parental discipline. I did get his bedtime moved from 9 to 9:30 which I think is too early for a 15 year old. If he stays up past bedtime even for a few minutes she gets angry and just directs him to "Go to Bed!" Often times she'll send him to bed early because she say's it takes too long for him to get into bed. My son does not protest anything, he internalizes a lot of things when he doesn't think something is fair, that does come out in his body language, which drives my wife crazy. We have three children together. My son is 10 years older than our oldest. I have full, sole, custody of him. His bio mom has abandoned him. My wife wasn't expecting to have him with his since the very beginning of our marriage. I was very nieve and thought because my son was awesome, she wouldn't have a problem with him. He is a very good kid. Of course I'm biased, but he gets decent grades, he is never sick, his teachers give him high praises for his demeanor in class, his coaches go out of their way to tell me how great he is to have on the team. He's always just wanted to be good, being in trouble devestates him. My wife treats close family with contempt. That includes me, my son, her mother, brother, and sister. She gets upset if I don't do things exactly how she wants. She often changes her mind about how she wants things, yet she'll be equally mad if you don't do it her way. While being upset with my son for being on his phone, she's constantly on her phone all day off and on. Chatting with her family, friends etc. Its really sad that I let this go on for so long. I just couldn't understand how she could feel that way about my son. But I'm starting to realize how impossible it would be for a young woman to go from being single to married with a 10 year old. I don't know why but I didn't see how difficult that was at the time. If we had it to do over again, we both agree we should have ended the marriage immediately. I'm at the point now where I am looking at divorce, but I really want to know if there are any cases where something like this was so severe but turned around with therapy, counseling, personal developement, and support. I'm willing to do whatever it takes, and she agreed she needed to go to counseling. She admits that she doesn't know why she gets so angry when she sees something like his plate left in the sink. She knows she wouldn't be like that with our children. But she says it's like a "extremely heavy bag is put on her" and she gets very angry. I have pretty severe depression that I am currently being treated by both medicine and therapy. (Looking into finding a new therapist) I've always had depression, but I do know that she is a major trigger to my depression. When she is angry with my son which is everyday, and when she's angry with me, which sporadic good week bad week kind of thing. I try very hard not to show my son that she is completly in the wrong. But its very difficult and sometimes I have to because he'll be in tears because she just hurt him. She responds with his tears with more anger and saying he's making it up. I'm not unbiased, but I would say its dillusional. I also want to point out, as this is a very one sided comment, I am not exactly the best husband and father. I don't have a high paying stable job, I own my own business. I am occupied by that business nearly all the time. I am always available but I don't volunteer my availability because I have an endless amount of work to do with my business.
Ask the community | cheating, trust, sex
“Wrong name In bed... multiple times”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My wife called me by the wrong name during lovemaking. Not sure what to do now. Your thoughts? I'm a forgiving person.  I thought, maybe she was having a one-time fantasy. Hurtful, but after so many years of marriage, kids, trials and tribulations, and our history together, it's a forgivable moment. I got over it in a matter of days. Pretty quick, considering. Nothing has meaning until we give it meaning.  Right?  I chose not to over-think it. Let it go.   A week later, when she called me the wrong name during sex again, I was flabbergasted. Years later, in personal counseling, I told my therapist, "Well, it's not a pattern until it happens three times."  He responded, "In psychology, two is a pattern." That wouldn't matter anyway. After the second time, I was in utter shock.  Yes, one might think I should have immediately confronted her, lashed out, demanded answers. Truth be told, I was dumbstruck.   As I processed the first event, I thought empathetically, she must be highly embarrassed and ashamed anyway. Why rake her over the coals? Assuming that, I felt a sense of justice that she too, must be feeling very badly. As for me, I was even more stunned than the first time. The first time, I reasoned, must have been some utterance, driven, uncontrolled, from the primitive part of her brain. What the hell?!  How could this occur a second time?  Wasn't she so ashamed and embarrassed that she would avoid doing this again?  I didn't know what to make of it.   This time, still stupidly naive, I thought, there's no way she would do this again, but if she did, I will confront her on the spot.  I will confront her loudly and emotionally.  I will confront her the way she and I both deserve.  I will.  Or, I won't.     I thought I was ready.   Another week later, when she called me the wrong name during sex for the third time, I wasn't surprised.  I thought I'd be angry and confrontative, but I was saddened, disappointed, and just plain hurt.  Too deflated to confront her, I pretended to hear nothing and thus, said nothing.  We finished.  I rolled off, stared at the wall, and fell asleep hours later.  I wasn't having audible hallucinations.  This really was happening.  She didn't lose voice control in some sex-induced trance. If she would just stop, this would go away.   About ten days later, guess what.  She called me the wrong name during lovemaking for a fourth time.  I went off.  My penis still in her, I reached over, turned on the light and confronted her, "What the hell?!  Who the hell are you talking to?!"  I pulled out and finally, finally confronted her.  It was a brief confrontation and verbally combative, albeit in one direction.  I finished by suggesting she get some counseling.  Within a few short minutes, I could hear the rhythmic purr of her sleeping breath while I laid awake for the next several hours.  And, what the fuck is up with that?! Apparently not something she needed to lose sleep over. It would take years of denial, adherence to my values, more denial, self-doubt, depression, counseling, and suicidal thoughts to finally, finally come to grips.   The obvious conclusion would be, she was cheating on me.  At first blush, it may appear she was.  However, I believe there was actually something even more disturbing going on here.  She was doing something worse.  What could be worse?  I will get to that.   With a kindergartner and a second grader asleep upstairs, I was in no hurry to upset the apple cart.  That is, I did not want to rush to a conclusion where we separate.  By separating, I could only see myself in some apartment, alone.  I would deny myself the daily influence I deserved to have on my daughters.  No way.  I remember having thoughts of divorce, but again, I couldn't bear being parted from my kids. After the fourth wrong-name event and subsequent confrontation, we buried it. We didn't discuss it, mention it, or regard it for years.  I didn't know it at the time, but I continued to revert to my training which was fine by her.  That means silence.  She would not have to explain it or own it.  I would not have to confront it further.  Let's pretend it didn't happen.   But this episode in our lives together served as a catalyst for me to examine our relationship.  I had some qualms about our relationship, but overall, we were quite successful.  For the first time, however, I really started paying attention.    Maybe most people would have just walked out over this and maybe they would be right to do so.  I'm not most people.  I am who I am, a product of my experiences, especially that pivotal moment when I established my highest personal value, an integrated family. This was a huge wake-up call though.  I started paying attention to the nuances in our marriage.  There was certainly a history of slights by her, but they were spaced out enough that I always looked at them as one-off events.  Not wanting to upset the family balance, I always overlooked them.  Of course, this just served as my unwitting permission for her to continue. So, here I was, fifteen years in to the marriage and deciding to start paying attention. Bad on me for not paying attention before. However, I didn't think the one I was married to was the one I needed to protect myself from.  Probably, the most loyal love I've ever received was from my parents.  Thus, with them, I could be totally unguarded, at ease, vulnerable.  I held my wife in that same esteem, but it was becoming apparent this was a mistake.   Take away the physical advantage men have over women and they become equal.  It becomes a matter of wits.  I didn't realize at first, but there was a competition going on in my house.  There was one person who wanted to be on top and be recognized by all as in-charge.  It wasn't me.  As the kids entered school, we started making new friends.  The running joke in those years was, I would hear about my own upcoming social engagements from my kids' friends' moms.  "Oh, see you Friday night for dinner."  What?  A minor display of unilateralism, but repeated over time, it demonstrated who had the power.  It also demonstrated a lack of respect.  Not only would she make commitments, she made it clear I wasn't involved.   Then there was her unilateralism with me present.  We might receive a social invitation together and she would accept or deny without any consultation with me, without even looking at me.  I know this certainly made an impression on people because the disparaging comments found their way back to me.  She was in charge and seen that way, but at my expense. Then there were the cocktail parties where she would dump me like wet lettuce and go work the room, solo.  Sure, I can socialize, but it's not like I didn't spend time standing alone.  She preferred to rub elbows with those she perceived as wealthy.  I get it.  I would be there at the end of the night anyway.  Why team up with me?   To her credit, when we entertained, she was amazing.  She would make the guest list, do the inviting, and the planning. She was like a one-man-band in the kitchen and received the accolades she deserved.  Oh, I tried to participate, but always heard, "I got it."  I seemed relegated to just go get some more ice.  That's all fine, I guess, but she would consistently accept help and participation from guests.  This happened frequently enough that I received smart-ass comments about this, too.  "Don't you do anything here?"  I believed that's just how she wanted it.  Effective and seen that way, but at my expense.   It should be no surprise that through these and similar experiences, I came to feel disregarded, disrespected, and taken for granted.  These were not isolated events.  They accumulated to become a condition.    There was more.  She had longing eyes.  Actually, I was okay with that even if she was a little obvious.  There are attractive people out there.  They're noticeable.  I see them, too.  But there was one fellow in particular that seemed particularly interesting to her. We would see him only occasionally, but when we did, they got along exceptionally well. In fact, this goes back to before we were married.  It did make me feel a bit insecure. On one social occasion, she blatantly dumped me to go hang out with him. Really, I think the situation produced two things for her; validation from another male and an avenue to try to make me jealous.  It worked at first, but then it just became insulting.     Years later, in couple's counseling, I accused her of maintaining a longterm flirtatious relationship with this particular guy.  She denied it at first, but then admitted it was true.  The hardest part about it wasn't it's existence, it was that she played it out right in front of me, in my face.  Two friends asked me separately if I saw what they saw.  It was then I realized this wasn't insecurity driving my imagination.   There were no verbal put-downs, no arguments, nothing exciting over the years.  On the outside, we appeared solid.  We ran a very successful household.  What confused me was, I was enjoying a great lifestyle largely due to her professional success. In many ways, she showed a lot of care for me.   However, the negatives just kept accumulating.   Aside from the above, there was a withdrawal of affection on her part.  For a time, the only affection given was in response to mine.  When it did come my way, I got peck-type kisses.  Two pencil tips could share more surface area.  Hugs were air-hugs, like when people hug others out of politeness.  Head games came to bed, too, more than the wrong name issue.  I can only describe her negative behavior toward me as like death by a thousand cuts.  What was confusing was hearing "I love you" between the cuts.   I tried to limit my thoughts on her behavior to the time since she called me the wrong name in bed.  That proved to be very difficult.  I couldn't help but see a pattern than spanned our entire marriage.   Ultimately,  I realized the pattern preceded our marriage and the roots were laid in our dating years, in our foundation.  Yes, I understand my own participation here.  By allowing her disregard, disrespect, unilateralism, and more served as my permission for her to continue the behavior. My parents' modeled an excellent marriage.  My parents in-law apparently also had an excellent marriage.  I sought to copy that.  However, when our dads dated our moms, I doubt they ever had to deal with things like this:  Having their girlfriend display a picture of an old boyfriend on their bedroom wall for two years while they dated.  I bet they never had the experience of picking up them from a guy's apartment on a Saturday morning to hear, "We're just friends."  I bet they never found man's length black hair on their girlfriend's pillow, multiple times.  I bet our dads never had to see a picture of our moms in bed with a guy, then another one with a different guy.   There's more.  I cannot emphasize enough how much I take responsibility for my own situation.  I accepted her behavior and therefore gave permission until I withdrew it.  I was the Yang to her Yin.  My fault was not having the awareness and self-esteem to stand up or walk out.  I remember having questions before marriage, but thinking, "I think this is the best I can do."  I said I would circle back to the episode of her calling me the wrong name during sex. Further, I said I would offer a reason for her behavior that didn't include cheating.     Regarding being called the wrong name during sex, I believe it was an attempt to make me feel wholly insecure.  I call it worse than cheating because cheating is usually an act of self-gratification, not necessarily meant to harm someone else.  If she did it to make me feel insecure, that makes it a truly offensive act meant to undermine me and cause me harm.   In her error, she counted on me staying silent like I had with her other slights. Even with the wrong-name episode, it went four times in short order. When was that going to stop? I've read a lot about forgiveness and learned there are acts where forgiveness is not appropriate.  In brief, deliberately harmful behavior often belongs in the non-forgivable category. In personal and marriage counseling, I have been cautioned about tying meaning, if any, to events.  Being called the wrong name during sex on four different occasions certainly rises to the level of being meaningful.  I asked my wife in counseling what the meaning of this was.  Over and over she said, "I don't know, but I'm sorry."  That answer is not working for me.  Her back up answer was, "stress".  Also, not working for me.   My explanation is very plausible, especially considering she has conducted other behavior intent on causing me jealousy and insecurity.  It makes sense.   In counseling, I have been guided through a technique called 'reframing'.  That is, the ability to find alternate explanations for events.  It's a good thing, but not a panacea.  I'm not going to lie to myself and call it reframing.  Sometimes things are as they appear.   After years of personal and couple's counseling, I feel dead-ended.  One counselor asked a brilliant, pointed question of me, "What do you want from her?" I had to sleep on the question.  I wanted an authentic explanation of why she took up this behavior toward me.  Particularly, I wanted and explanation of why she called me the wrong name in bed.  The answer remained, "I don't know, but I'm sorry."   I believe she strived to maintain two conditions in our marriage. The first condition is that she be in the power position and is perceived by outsiders as such.  The second condition is she attempts to make me feel insecure as a way to perpetuate her power position. Build herself up by pushing me down. In public, she might have her hand on my shoulder.  Behind the scenes, it's different. The marital experience feels like I have to alternate being on my toes or on my heels.   I am quite able to forgive.  I'd prefer to forgive and continue having a great family.  On the other hand, if she truly doesn't understand her own behavior, why shouldn't she repeat it at some point in the future.  That makes forgiveness now foolish.  One advisor offered, "Maybe that's just who she is." I know and that's what scares me.   It’s not what she does. It’s who she is.
Ask the community | cheating, trust, sex
“Am I a mug??”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I need a lot of advice at the moment this might get a bit long-winded. ok so me and my gf have been together now over two years kinda… so she just recently took a job on in a kitchen as a chef and the first two weeks she hated it she then met this boy and everything changed she started wearing makeup to work everyday! she also seemed to just love being at work and it seemed like she would stay longer than she needed to on purpose, at this point in our relationship we were kinda drifting apart we were living in a little room together and it just seemed to start getting boring, we then broke up she had enough and she left me. Two weeks later she started seeing this boy from work they went on 2 little dates to a pub and then they went on a proper date a week later she then stayed over his that night and they had sex. he then moved back to where he actually lives 2 days later and then told her he wasnt actually looking for a relationship he then didnt contact her for a while, at this time she had blocked me on facebook i think she done this to move on with him however when that didnt happen a few weeks later she unblocked me, maybe a month and a half had passed by now and we started talking again we started hanging out and going on walks together she always seemed not to sure if she wanted to go on a walk but she always did (most of the time) her and this boy now haven’t spoken for a month! We started to sleep together again now only a hand full of times mainly saturday nights neither of us drink so no alcohol was involved, after a few weeks of this we decided to get back together and give it another shot, however the whole time we were doing all this she was still loooking him up on facebook everyday 3-5 times a day normally and clearly still had feelings for him. ok so we have now been back together for maybe 2 weeks and then the night before v day she broke up with me however i feel the causing of that was he messaged her and i feel it stirred loads of feelings up again So she left me maybe 3 days later we got back together again but he started messaging her again a week or so ago and he asked her for money!!! she said yes to this and transferred the money to him hes expected to pay it back at the end of this month, however after this contact again they now occasionally talk on facebook and they also have phonecalls mainly talking about work etc but im not to sure what happens on the phone calls i hope nothing bad, however she is still looking him up on fb everyday whenever she gets a chance she does seem to be trying in our relationship now but i just feel like crap constantly worrying she will leave me for him again The problem is he lives on the otherside of the country and i feel thats whats stopping her i know he doesnt have the same feelings for her and i think she knows that aswell but it just hurts so much to know she cares so much about a guy who basically fuck and ducked her and is now using her for money and she still seems to let him do it he was in her life for maybe a month and i just feel like he means more to her than i do and i just really dont know what to do i love this girl so much she has helped me through so much and i just dont ever see myself without her i dont want to see that! I just need some opinions on the situation anything will help but guys please just be reasonable with me im very delicate at the moment haha thanks
Ask the community | communication, cheating