"BF doesn't trust me anymore"
Hello! This is going to be long, but I wanted to give you all the full story. So I've been with BF for 10 months, living together for most of it (quarantined together when the pandemic first hit). I knew from the get that he had insecurity and trust issues, having had an abusive and rough childhood, and having a previous ex cheat on him. We're both in our 30s. He's always been open and sincere, and does what he can to show me he loves me.
Except...he has an anger problem, which he also admitted, and a short fuse. We didn't fight often, but when we did, it was volatile, and he has threatened to break up several times (including storming out for the entire night twice and not picking up his phone or answering his texts until he came back the next morning/afternoon. He only stopped because I told him if he did that again, it would be the last time).
Some other background info...
--Once, I got a random call from some guy I went on a few dates with 2 years ago and blocked, and the guy got a new number to call me on. I told him not to call me again, and blocked his new number, but my BF flipped out and accused me of seeing him secretly and talking to him while we were together. I showed him my call log, all the blocked texts from him that I never responded to, obviously, AND his old blocked number.
--He's also accused me of 'sneaking around' with my motorcycle mechanic, just because he sent me a text about a movie that he mentioned while he was towing my bike (he had mentioned a motorcycle movie that sounded interesting, couldn't remember the name, and had said he would text me the name, along with some cheap motorcycle storage facilities later on. There was no further correspondence after that and I had simply said 'thank you').
--BF also somehow found a Plenty of Fish (dating site) deletion site on my phone, and I have NO IDEA why that would be there, since I never used POF. Then he accused me of being on dating sites while we've been dating, even though there was no other history of me visiting anything related to POF on my browser history. He just said I deleted all the evidence since he's seen me deleting my emails (to clean out my inbox). Of note, I've never hid my phone from him, was never overprotective of it, and I've given it to him to use during times he forgot his phone or it wasn't working.
After all this, I felt like whenever I told him the truth, he didn't believe me anyway and would just accuse and/or yell at me. Still, I kept being honest with him, until about 3 weeks ago. He caught me in a lie, and he feels like he can no longer trust me. So, prior to meeting him, I had a few male friends who I hung out with, the majority of times in groups, which also included women and my friends' girlfriends/fiancees. I have told my BF about all my friends, but due to it being a pandemic, we haven't hung out, so BF hasn't had the chance to meet them. So maybe he forgot some of their names.
On New Year's Eve, one guy from the group messaged our group chat saying "happy new year everyone", and BF claimed he didn't recognize the name. He pulled me aside and asked who that was. He didn't believe me, so he asked to look through my phone, and I gave it to him. He saw a deleted voicemail and call from one of my old friends from that same group, we'll call him Jason, who called me during lunch at my job, I didn't pick up, and he left a voicemail saying "hey, it's been a long time, haven't heard from you. Happy new year and let's hang out again soon."
Now, here's the kicker. Jason had hit on me the last time we spoke, which I messaged him just to see how he was doing, just being friendly. Irritated, I deleted his texts, his number, and the call log, but for some reason I can't remember, I didn't block his number. So he was able to call me on NYE. Unfortunately, when my BF wanted the story with Jason's VM, I lied and said that I didn't get around to adding his contact to my new phone. I should have told him the truth right away, but I thought back to previous events, didn't think he'd believe that it was a one-off anyway, and I guess I didn't want to get accused of something else and yelled at again. I know it doesn't make lying right and I regret not telling him the truth from the get-go.
Now he is accusing me of having cheated on him with Jason on the days he wasn't home. We were apart for about 4 days when he went to visit his family, and every single day, I told him what I was doing, we talked on the phone, and I sent him pictures daily of what I was doing at home, and he knew I was at my mom's for 2 days. He still accused me of lying about that.
One night, while I was sleeping, he said he got a "bad feeling" and he looked through my phone and read through all my conversations, even with my family and female friends. He found some texts where I was complaining about him to one of my best friends, during one of the times where he stormed off on me and disappeared for the night, and I wasn't able to get hold of him all night. I was really upset that day and had no one else to talk to, but that was from almost a month ago and I just needed to vent to someone I knew wouldn't judge me or just tell me to leave him.
Between that and my lie, we've been fighting a lot. Yesterday, we got into another fight when he needed my help during lunch and I was supposed to meet with a female coworker (my second time having lunch with someone since I started working here 2 years ago). He got mad and then accused me of secretly meeting with and talking to other men during lunch, and started interrogating me on everything he's suspected in the past. I felt like he was trying his hardest to catch me in another lie.
He keeps saying he wants to work things out and wants to give it another chance, but he'll randomly get mad at me and start another fight. I've continued to be as open with him as possible. I am seeing a therapist, I leave my phone in his view whenever I'm home from work and until we go to bed, and my phone charges on his side of the bed every night. I go to work and come straight home most days. Even on the days where I go see my mom, I always send him pictures when I'm there, with location and time tags, and he still doesn't believe that I am where I say I am. I've asked him to come with me and even drop me off/pick me up, but he won't. I get home when I say I will and even offered to Facetime him when I get to where I am and when I leave, and share my GPS routes with him. He said I will just leave my phone in my car and go sneak off to meet other men (I'm assuming he meant my guy friends, who btw, are all blocked now, of my own accord).
I do my best to be loving and understanding toward him since I did betray him. He won't see a therapist because he feels like it wouldn't help, but he did agree to work on his temper. I told him I'd continue to be consistent and transparent until he can trust me again. He continues to say I'm hiding things and deleting evidence. What else can I do to convince him that I never cheated or lied to him otherwise? He keeps insisting he's caught me in other lies, but won't tell me what. Have any of you been in this situation, on either side? What happened and how was it handled?