If your partner is dealing with chronic stress, there are things you can do to support them. While you can’t solve all their problems, pulling together during a stressful time can help make your relationship stronger. In this article we discuss how to recognise signs of chronic stress in your partner and what you can do to help [1]. What is chronic stress? Stress is your body’s response to threat – you may have heard the term ‘fight or flight’ which is when your body gives you a boost of adrenalin to tackle what’s in front of you [2]. Experiencing some stress is a normal part of life, and it can even be good for you – stress helps your body to adapt and grow stronger. However, if the fight or flight reaction kicks in too often, it can result in long-term overwhelming stress, known as chronic stress [3].If a loved one or partner is experiencing chronic stress it can be difficult and distressing for both of you. Sometimes chronic stress can’t be avoided due to circumstances beyond your control, such as illness or money worries. But it can still help to have the support of a partner [1]. Signs of chronic stress There are many signs of chronic stress, and they will differ for different people [2]. Recognising the signs is the first step to helping support your partner. They might include: Feeling overwhelmed by work. Having little or no time for family. Frequently feeling irritable, depressed, or anxious. Being unreasonable. Struggling with relationships. Little or no time for self-care [2, 4].   How to support your partner There are many ways you can help support your partner: Be actively caring Show you care with thoughtful acts that will mean something to your partner. You could make the dinner or take the kids out for the day to give your partner some alone time. Not everyone finds the same things meaningful, so think about what your partner would want. Those little gestures can really add up [5]. Carve out time to talk Talk to your partner – not just about the big issues, but also about the smaller everyday things. While your instinct might be to try and find practical solutions, someone who is chronically stressed might just want to talk. Focus on addressing one thing at a time, and take the time to listen to your partner [6]. Take care of your own needs It’s important to look after yourself as well as your relationship. Taking time for your own interests and hobbies as well as those you do with your partner can be helpful to you both. Think about what you enjoy doing that you find enjoyable and relaxing. It could be anything from playing football with your mates to taking a long hot bath. Whatever it is, intentionally make time for it in your week [1]. Seek help Ask your friends and family for help. Having a close supportive network can help relieve pressure when dealing with stress. You could also seek support from the communities you belong to, such as work, school, faith, or LGBTQ+ groups. It is especially important to seek help if both of you are struggling with your mental health.Relationships are complex and can be difficult to navigate. That is why Click exists – to investigate relationships and share what we find with you! The suggestions in this article come from a range of evidence-based sources. Give them a go and let us know how you get on.If you think you are suffering from chronic stress yourself and want to understand more about it, see our article on burnout.By Helen Molloy References Here is a list of references for you to refer to if you want to learn more about anything we have touched on: [1] Barlow, Ewing, Janssens & Blake (2018) The Shakleton Relationships Project Summary Report. University of Exeter. [2] OnePlusOne (2020) Stress. NHS Foundation trust. [3] American Psychological Association (2023) Stress effects on the body. [4] Mental Health UK (2020) Burnout. [5] Highet, Thompson & King (2006) The Experience of Living with a Person with an eating disorder: The Impact on the Carers. [6] Walden University (2023) How Stress Impacts Decision Making.

Stress and burnout can affect your relationships and make it difficult to look after yourself. In this article we’ll look at some actions you can take to manage stress, and how you can use self-compassion to address early signs of burnout.  Understanding burnout  Burnout is a state of physical and mental exhaustion caused by long-term stress [1, 2, 3]. Many things can come together to cause burnout. These could be:  Relationship troubles  Money worries  Problems at work  Childcare responsibilities  Lack of support or isolation  Poor physical health  Poor sleep  You can expect to experience some stress in life, but if you have too much for too long you might begin to experience negative symptoms. It is not caused by being too weak or being unable to handle life’s difficulties: it can happen to people who have lived through very tough situations [2].   Burnout can affect your emotional wellbeing: you might feel a loss of motivation, a negative outlook, and feelings of helplessness [3]. It can impact your relationships, both with yourself and with others [5].   How does burnout happen?  The three systems model, created by the psychologist Paul Gilbert [6], can be helpful for understanding burnout. You have three emotional systems: threat, drive and soothe. The threat system alerts you to danger, activating your ‘fight or flight’ response. The drive system motivates you to look for food, water, and safety. Your soothe system helps you to relax and feel safe.These systems work together to help keep us alive, each becoming more powerful over the others when needed. A balance of the three systems is a sign that your body is working how it should. Sometimes the systems become unbalanced, and threat and drive become more dominant. This can happen if you have a lot of demands on your time that are physically and mentally draining to you.   Burnout and relationships  People experiencing burnout often struggle to be kind to themselves. You might notice that you’re being judgemental of yourself, feeling disconnected, or constantly striving without a break. There may be good reasons why you are pushing yourself such as working hard at your job, or caring for other people [2, 7]. However, a lack of self-compassion can be a sign that you are stuck in drive mode and not connecting enough with soothe. This can lead to symptoms of burnout that tend to be harmful to building good relationships [8].   The irony is, if you do burn out, you will be too exhausted to care for other people or achieve your goals at work. It is better for everyone if you are able to take time to take care of yourself before burnout happens.  Show yourself kindness  Recognising your feelings is a way to show yourself compassion and regulate your emotions [9]. In his book The Happiness Trap, Russ Harris explains that pushing feelings away and ignoring them is like trying to hold an air-filled ball underwater: eventually your arm will get tired and the ball will surface. In fact, pushing feelings away can result in a rebound effect, and they can come back even harder. Taking a moment to notice your feelings can help you feel better if it is beyond your control to change anything for now.   Anchoring yourself  You can practice recognising your feelings by ‘dropping anchor’. This is a technique you could try to become more aware of what you are experiencing. To drop anchor you can use the acronym ‘ACE’ [5]:  A – Acknowledge your thoughts and feelingsNotice and name any thoughts, emotions, and sensations you are feeling in your body. C – Come back into your bodyConnect with your physical body in some way – push your feet firmly into the floor, slowly breathe, stretch your arms above your head. E – Engage with what you are doing  Get a sense of where you are – perhaps notice some things you can see, hear, taste, smell and feel. Finish by refocusing your attention on what you are currently doing and engage with it.  Burnout is a difficult experience that can affect our relationships, but there are techniques available to help you manage and prevent it. Practising self-compassion and kindness can lead to many benefits, such as more energy and time for those we love. Try dropping anchor and let us know how you get on.  By Helen Molloy References [1] WHO, 2023 [2] BMJ, 2018 [3] Mental Health UK, 2023 [4] Hool, 2022 [5] Harris, 2008 [6] Gibson et al, 2021 [7] Rutter & Croston, 2023 [8] Barlow et al., 2018 [9] Linehan, 2015 

Support for couples has often been focused on managing disagreements rather than building positive aspects of the relationship, like friendship. However, it is increasingly recognised that in the long term, relationships falter through a lack of positivity rather than the presence of negativity [1]. When thinking about supporting relationships, working to strengthen the depth of friendship is ‘probably the treatment of choice’ [2]. Research suggests that friendship can be the foundation of a strong relationship with our partner. This foundation has three parts: Couples with strong friendships tend to be emotionally connected, knowing what is happening in their partner’s world and being interested in their life. They admire and show appreciation for each other. They respond positively to each other’s requests for attention, interest, or affection [3]. A strong foundation of friendship helps us to see the best in our partner. When we are feeling positive about our partner, it’s much easier to see any inevitable let-downs as being out of character or due to circumstance, making it easier to forgive and move on [4]. Research shows that married and cohabiting couples who see their partner as their ‘best friend’ are much more satisfied with their lives than those who name someone else as their closest friend [5]. Time to ourselves and a network of support from other friends and family are, of course, also vital to wellbeing. Friendship in the good times and the bad One study of couples interviewed separately over the first 15 years of their marriage [6] showed that people who described being great friends with their partner were in some of the most satisfying relationships. Many of the couples had been ‘friends first’ before becoming romantic partners [7]. As one man put it, “You need to have that basic friendship at the base of everything to build up from, and that always gives you something to go back to.” Couples’ experiences of the pandemic differed substantially depending on a number of factors. However, many couples commented that because they were such good friends, they had not found it difficult to be in lockdown together. Couples in thriving relationships ‘work hard’ to keep their relationship vibrant, but because they enjoy each other’s company, this is not ‘hard work’. In the good times and the bad, friendship is “The glue that sticks everything together.” Couples who are good friends look out and want the best for each other. They tackle issues as a team, which can strengthen their relationship further. This can even help when things go wrong – in the 15-year study of couples, one man said that he fell back on the “solid friendship” they had enjoyed to get him through the difficult months after finding out about his wife’s affair in the early years of their marriage. Without this basis of friendship, the relationship may not have survived. What happens if friendship isn’t strong? In the same study, concerns flagged by the researchers over the strength of the couple’s friendship at the first interview reliably predicted which couples would separate. Without a foundation of friendship, there seemed to be little to fight for when couples hit difficulties, and the relationships broke down [4]. When friendship is weak, the likely outcome is that people leave unhappy marriages [7]. That is why it’s essential to choose a partner we get on well with and then work hard to keep the relationship strong. How can you build your friendship as a couple? It is normal for relationships to go through peaks and troughs. It takes time and effort to keep things vibrant with a partner and there will be times when you feel closer than at others. Making time shows your partner they are your priority, especially when time is at a premium. Here are some things you can do to keep your relationship strong: Stay up to date and interested in what is happening in your partner’s life. Show appreciation for what your partner does for you or let them know the qualities you admire in them.  Respond positively and enthusiastically when your partner asks for your time, attention, or affection. Show that you care through small gestures. A cup of tea or a “How was your day?” can be more meaningful than occasional big gestures. Make time for your partner, and carve out time together.  Be your partner’s biggest cheerleader and a shoulder to cry on when things are tough. Tackle things as a team and be ‘in it together’. Make plans for small treats or time together to stay connected and have things to look forward to. Learn what makes your partner feel cherished. If it’s ‘being helpful’, then notice something that needs doing, like loading the dishwasher, and do it without being asked. Written by Dr Jan Ewing, University of Exeter References [1] Frank Fincham, Scott Stanley and Steven Beach, ‘Transformative Processes in Marriage: An Analysis of Emerging Trends’ (2007) 69 Journal of Marriage and Family 275[2] John Gottman and others, The Mathematics of Marriage: Dynamic Nonlinear Models (Cambridge, Mass.: MIT Press, 2002)[3] John Gottman and Julie Gottman, ‘The Natural Principles of Love’ (2017) 9(3) Journal of Family Theory and Review 7[4] Anne Barlow and others The Shackleton Relationships Project: Report on Key Findings (University of Exeter, 2018)[5] Shawn Grover and John Helliwell, ‘How’s Life at Home? New Evidence on Marriage and the Set Point for Happiness’ (2017) 20(2) Journal of Happiness Studies: An Interdisciplinary Forum on Subjective Well-Being 373[6] Anne Barlow and Jan Ewing, forthcoming[7] See: Danu Stinson,  Jessica Cameron and Lisa Hoplock, ‘The Friends-to-Lovers Pathway to Romance: Prevalent, Preferred, and Overlooked by Science’ (2022) 13(2)  Social Psychological and Personality Science 562[8] Denise Prevetti and Paul Amato ‘Why Stay Married? Rewards, Barriers and Marital Stability’ (2003) 65(3) Journal of Marriage and Family 561

Interracial relationships are still taboo in many families. This article offers some insight on how to manage difficult conversations with family and friends about being with the person who makes you happy, regardless of their race or ethnicity. These taboos may be connected to the long-standing effects of institutional racism or the lingering presence of white privilege, both of which can affect the way people view the world. Although years have passed since the Equality Act, many people from ethnic minorities still worry about being subject to racism and may choose partners from similar backgrounds as a result. If you are in a relationship with someone from a race or culture that is different from your own, you may already have experienced the negative impact of taboos, stereotypes, racism, and the negative attitudes of family members. We are here to remind you that you are not alone in your relationship, even though family and friends’ opinions can make you feel so. The following accounts are from real women who have been in interracial relationships and the emotions they went through when telling their parents or their partner’s parents. Sim (British Gujarati female, 25) talks about her relationship with Matt (white British male) “After telling my parents, I was overthinking whether it was the right decision to be together which may have indirectly affected our relationship at the time... His parents were unsure about our relationship at first as they played to the stereotypes of me being Indian and thought I was with him for fun, only to get an arranged marriage after” Zoe (White British female, 20) talks about her relationship with Elijah (black British male) “We had to keep our relationship secret from his dad for a while... when he found out he didn’t say much but made a comment about my partner saying, ‘he will learn from his mistakes’.” Selina (British Gujarati female, 21) talks about her relationship with Zayn (British Pakistani male) “They were disappointed and ashamed when they found out and my dad made the comment, ‘One thing we told you was no Pakistani boys’... I was frustrated that they only saw ethnicity rather than the person I was with [...] His parents reacted worse than mine, which bought up plans about the future... some cultural aspects didn’t align, and we realised that we had more differences than we thought” How to work through your issues Opinions of family and friends can have negative effects on a relationship. In a situation where your partner does not understand why their family’s comments are hurtful, you may feel you cannot speak to your partner, causing a lack of communication and distance between the two of you. It is easy to feel discouraged if your families are not supportive, but these issues can be worked through. Listen to your partner’s needs Something that seems small to you may be big for your partner. Don’t ignore or dismiss their partner’s feelings as this could push them away, or lead to feelings of bitterness. Listening to your partner and sharing issues about your families can take some of the load off for them and help with the healthy progress of your relationship. Compromise equally The desire to keep in touch with your own culture and embrace your partner’s culture is natural. However, compromise is essential to make sure something that you are passionate about is not being disregarded. Set boundaries with your partner about what aspects of culture and religion are important to you, so that your roots are not being forgotten. Relationships are a two-way thing; in an interracial relationship, cultures and religions from both sides must be taken into consideration and appreciated. Reason with your parents The reality is that a lot of parents won’t understand your relationship but dealing with this doesn’t have to be confrontational. Explain how you feel in a calm manner, using soft start-ups like, ‘I feel...’ or ‘It upsets me when you say...’. This can help them see how their words affect you, which they may not have considered before. Hearing their point of view is important too as this can be part of a discussion that dissolves stereotypes around your partner’s race and brings more normality to interracial relationships. Reassure each other It is easy to overthink what the future may bring for you and your partner when the odds seem against you now. However, living in the present and taking everything one step at a time is more manageable. This allows you both to slowly normalise your relationships in your families and focus on what is going well in the moment rather than what could go wrong in the future. What happened next? Let’s meet those couples again and hear how they moved forward from their parents’ reactions. As you’ll see, things don’t always work out, but there is certainly hope. If you’ve been in a similar situation, we’d like to hear from you in the comments below. Sim and Matt “I managed to win [his parents] over and they were welcoming and looked after me whilst I was away from home, which had a positive impact on our relationship. But I never felt we were going to progress as he was never close to my parents […] maybe if my parents were more supportive, we could have still been together now.” Zoe and Elijah “His dad is a strict Christian and doesn’t believe in sex before marriage, so our relationship was never discussed with him... that being said, my partner never spoke about his relationship with his dad and how our relationship may have affected it” Selina and Zayn “We reassured each other that we’d take our relationship one step at a time and focus on now instead of the future. My parents met him and apologised for judging on stereotypes, and we’ve compromised on things we didn’t initially agree with.” By Sereena Vaja References Brooks, J. E., Ly, L. M., & Brady, S. E. (2021). Race talk: How racial worldview impacts discussions in interracial relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(7), 2249–2267.https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211011530

Self-esteem is a sense of belief and confidence in your own values and abilities. This is something you develop over time as you respond to the big and small events in your life – anything from deciding what to eat for dinner to how well you cope with having a baby [1]. Having good self-esteem means you feel capable of tackling the challenges of everyday life and that you have measured up to your goals and values. When it comes to relationships, it’s also important to have a stable sense of self-esteem. This means that your self-esteem is realistic and reflects what others see in you. Self-esteem and relationships Having a good and stable sense of self-esteem can mean you feel more satisfied in your relationship, and any changes in self-esteem can also change how you feel about your relationship. Poor self-esteem is linked with high levels of stress and instability in relationships. One marker of a healthy relationship is that the individuals involved have time for their own activities and friends outside of the relationship. It is important that each person involved in the relationships has their own sense of self-worth [2] [3] [4]. How to build and maintain self-esteem Through humour If you want to work on building your self-esteem, one thing you can try is using self-enhancing humour rather than self-defeating humour. Self-defeating humour is putting yourself down and making a joke at your own expense, such as ‘I was an ugly baby,’ or ‘That was such a stupid thing to do.’ This type of self-talk can make you feel sad and anxious. Self-enhancing humour is finding humour in everyday situations or making yourself the target of a joke in a good-natured way, such as ‘I’m a bit of a klutz’, or ‘You’ll never believe what happened to me’. Self-enhancing behaviour can help you feel more capable and worthy [5]. By emulating a role model Another way to build self-esteem is to model your behaviour on someone you admire. This can help you find ideas about how to solve problems and deal with uncertainty and anxiety. When you are stuck for what to do in a certain situation, seeing how someone else has done it can help you develop the knowledge and skills to try something similar. Take some time to think about who you look up to and the values they embody that are important to you [1]. Through defining your goals and values Another way to improve your self-esteem is by acting in line with your values and working towards goals that are important to you. It is much easier to do this when you know what your goals and values are. You can find a values exercise in our article, ‘Are you having an emotional affair?’ When setting goals, it is important to think ‘SMART’ by making sure your goals embody the following five qualities: S – Make sure your goals are specific. For example, rather than the general goal of ‘being more loving to my partner’ try saying: ‘I will call my partner when I get off work and say “I love you”’. M – Having goals that are meaningful to you is also important. Make sure your goals are not geared towards avoiding pain or pleasing others. One of your values might be showing love and appreciation for your family. In this case your goal could be to make an effort to thank your partner when they do something nice for you. A – Adaptive goals are those that aim to improve your life. It may seem silly but it’s important to weigh this one up. Something that seems like a good idea may not be practicable in the context of your life. For example, you may consider joining a dog walking club to socialise, but if you are often stressed and rushing around trying to get everything done, then a more adaptive goal could be to cut something out of your busy schedule instead. R – Set realistic goals, taking into account your current health and financial circumstances. If you are struggling to make ends meet and your goal is to start exercising it may not be realistic for you to buy a gym membership. Instead you might decide to try something more affordable, like going for a run outside. T – Finally setting timebound goals can help increase specificity. Set yourself a date and time by which to achieve your goals, or an estimate that feels realistic. Instead of setting the general goal of ‘running regularly’, you could aim to go for a run every Thursday at five o’clock [6]. Goal setting exercise Write down a series of goals you want to achieve from the immediate to long term: An immediate goal (something simple and easy that you can achieve in the next 24 hours) A short-term goal (something you can achieve in the next few days or weeks) A medium-term goal (something you can achieve in the next few months) A long-term goal (something you can achieve in the next year or few years) How to approach building and maintaining self-esteem When building self-esteem remember it takes time and is not something that you can improve overnight. Pursuing this goal will take perseverance, patience, mindfulness, and wholeheartedness, but it is possible, and we are behind you all the way. Let us know how you get on!By Helen Molloy References [1] Mruk & Mruk, 2013[2] Erol & Orth, 2014[3] Santangelo et al., 2020[4] Maestripieri et al., 2013[5] Kuiper et al., 2004[6] Harris, 2008

An emotional affair is a non-sexual relationship where a level of intimacy has built up. It might have a lot in common with a normal friendship, but there is often sexual chemistry and a level of emotional intimacy that may not be present in the person’s committed relationship. Someone having an emotional affair might engage in secrecy around the relationship, even lying to their partner about spending time with that person. Signs you are having an emotional affair Because there’s no physical intimacy, emotional affairs can be tricky to identify. However, there are signs to look out for that might suggest this is something you’re involved in, including: Spending more time with the other person than with your partner. Thinking about the other person a lot. Sharing things you would normally only ever share with your partner. Having less time to spend with your partner [1]. If these signs are familiar, you may be involved in an emotional affair. Why emotional affairs happen Emotional affairs can happen when there are communication difficulties in a relationship. These difficulties are a normal part of life, and building a stable relationship isn’t easy. It’s not something we are taught to do in school, so it is understandable if you find it difficult. Many people do [2]. In a stable relationship, couples work together to build meaning. They maintain their connection by talking regularly, being practically minded, and focusing on solutions when problems arise. It’s OK to recognise your partner’s faults, as long as you see them essentially as a good person. Having a network of friends and family around you and anticipating change so you can pull together during uncertain times, can also help to support a stable relationship [2]. If these things break down, or if they weren’t there in the first place, you might find yourself looking elsewhere for a supportive emotional connection. Impact of an emotional affair Emotional affairs can have unpleasant consequences for you and your partner. If unaddressed, it could even lead to a breakup [3]. Research into online affairs gives a good idea of how emotional affairs can affect a relationship. Emotional affairs can lead to the development of physical intimacy down the line [3] but even without physical contact between the people involved, they can still cause great relational distress. In the aftermath of an affair the partner often experiences emotional hurt and loss of trust. They can experience a fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, and decreased sexual confidence. For many it can lead to a decision to end the relationship [4]. Cognitive dissonance For the person having the affair, emotional affairs may also result in something called cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is a way of describing the uncomfortable feelings you get when your behaviours don’t match up with your beliefs [5] – for example, you have made a commitment to be monogamous with someone, but you are sharing intimate moments with someone else. Cognitive dissonance can lead to discomfort, stress, and unhappiness. Despite this, there is evidence that couples can repair and improve their relationship after an affair if they both actively work on recovering the relationship. If your relationship is repaired in this way, you could enjoy the benefits of a closer relationship, increased assertiveness, and a greater appreciation for each other. It can also result in couples taking better care of themselves, and realising the importance of good communication [4]. Things you can do to help when you find yourself having an emotional affair Gain better insight into your thoughts and feelings If you think you might be having an emotional affair, it can be helpful to try and gain perspective on your own thoughts and feelings. One way to do this is with a pros and cons exercise [6]. Get a piece of paper and make a list of the pros and cons of staying with your partner. Then make a list of the pros and cons of leaving your partner. When you’ve done this, take some time to notice how you feel about the situation. Improve communication with your partner If you decide you want to stay with your partner, look for ways to be more open. Romantic relationships require work to succeed and thriving couples take time out of their day to talk about both big and small things. Open communication can bring you closer together. If you are not happy about something, tell your partner promptly. When problems come up, think practically and focus on solutions. Once an issue has been resolved, let go of it, and avoid the temptation to bring it up again [2]. Figure out your values Figuring out your values can help you think about what you want or need. It can make you more aware of what’s important to you and help you make decisions about how to behave. Let’s say ‘Loyalty to my partner’ is one of your values. Now imagine that someone you are attracted to at work asks if you want to go for a coffee. You could respond in one of two ways –  you could choose to turn away from your values by accepting their offer and indulging in a bit of flirtation over a cup of coffee. Or you could choose to turn towards your values by refusing the offer or inviting others along to reduce the intimacy of the situation. Often decisions like this are not black and white. However, being aware of your values means you’re more likely to behave in a way that honours them. Values exercise Have a think about what your values might be. They could be things like acceptance, honesty, courage, or patience. Make a list and label each value to indicate its importance to you with a ‘V’ for very important, a ‘Q’ for quite important, and an ‘N’ for not important. Repeat this exercise to remind yourself of what is important to you [7]. If you find yourself in a situation where you’re not sure what to do, you can check in with your values, ask yourself what you really want, and make an honest decision. These are just some techniques we have found that have proved helpful when you find yourself in this situation. Try them out and let us know how you get on.By Helen Molloy References [1] Moultrup, 1990[2] Barlow et al., 2018[3] © 2002 - 2023 American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy[4] Adrian et al., 2005[5] Festinger 1957[6] Linehan, 2015[7] Harris, 2022

Trusting your partner isn’t always easy. Sometimes feelings of distrust can be a useful sign that something isn’t quite right in your relationship. However, if you’re not sure why you are feeling distrust, or notice it’s becoming a pattern in your relationships, it can help to learn why and what you can do about it. Importance of trust in relationships Trust is confidence that you will find what you desire from your partner rather than what you fear. It means feeling comfortable being close to your partner and having a low fear of rejection. It is one of the most important ingredients of a healthy and stable romantic relationship [1]. The impact of a lack of trust Negative emotions and interactions are a normal part of a romantic relationship – in fact it has been found to be essential in a healthy relationship, with the golden ratio being around five positive interactions to every one negative interaction. That said, too much negativity in a relationship can lead to emotional instability, conflict, and ultimately a decision to break up [2]. What can cause distrust in a relationship? There’s no simple answer to what causes distrust but many things can contribute to how we function in adult relationships. Let’s talk about one of them. In the 1980s, a famous psychologist called Bowlby came up with a theory that is still relevant today. This is called attachment theory. Bowlby said that we are born wanting to be close to other people. He said that interactions with people we are close to when we are little can shape our opinion of ourselves, and our adult relationships [3]. For example, if your mum was going through a hard time when you were a baby and wasn’t able to give you as much attention as you needed, you may feel more distrust towards your partner as an adult. This could be because you have learned to expect that you can’t rely on the people close to you to provide you with what you need. This natural instinct of self-protection may have been helpful when you were little but could be less helpful in your adult relationships. Learning this may be frustrating and it might seem unfair to be paying the price for something we had no control over. However, research shows that you can learn skills to help know how to address feelings of distrust. Using Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) to tackle feelings of distrust Improving and maintaining trust takes persistence and practice. One way to tackle relational issues is through using Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) techniques. DBT is a well-researched and effective therapy, developed to help people improve their relational skills, and change deeply ingrained habits. Below are three DBT skills you can try today to help improve and maintain trust in your relationship [4]. Three DBT skills to help deal with feelings of distrust: Observe skill When there is a lack of trust in your relationship, it can be upsetting and confusing. Recognising and identifying individual thoughts can help bring some clarity, then we can address them specifically if needed, by using other skills. It can help to set a timer to help practice this skill. Something like 1-2 minutes. Take a moment to observe your thoughts and feelings. Breathe. When a thought comes up, notice it. Is it a judgement? What is the subject? After identifying the thought, bring your attention back to your breathing and allow your thoughts to keep moving through your mind. Many thoughts may come up in 1-2 minutes or maybe just one or two. Check the facts skill We have lots of thoughts throughout the day. Distrustful thoughts can be distressing, and they may stick around for longer or be more prominent in our minds. If you find yourself thinking a specific distrustful thought, it can be helpful to check out how valid it is. Following a procedure to check the facts can help you do just that. Sit down with a pen and paper or do this in your head – whichever is most helpful to you. Ask yourself: What is the emotion I am feeling right now? What is the event prompting my emotion? (Describe the facts of the situation and avoid making judgements or black and white thinking). What are my interpretations, thoughts, and assumptions about the event? Am I assuming a threat? (Think of the likelihood of the catastrophe occurring, imagine coping well with it) Does my emotion fit the facts? After doing this exercise, you may have a better idea of whether or not your emotion is because of something your partner has done, and act accordingly. GIVE skill If you want to build a more trusting and positive relationship dynamic, it can help to empathise with your partner by using the GIVE skill. GIVE is an acronym. G – be gentle and respectful in your communication. When you are angry use words to describe how you feel calmly, without raising your voice. Avoid doing things like rolling your eyes or exaggerating to make your point.I – Show interest in your partner and what they say, face your partner, listen to their point of view, be patient, and don’t interrupt them.V – Validate your partner’s feelings by offering support and understanding.E – Use an easy manner. A little humour and light heartedness can help. What does improving and maintaining trust look like? After practising these skills for a while, you may find yourself having a clearer idea of what is upsetting you. You may notice that you feel calmer and have fewer negative interactions with your partner. Give them a go and remember that seeing an improvement in your relationship takes persistence and practice. By Helen Molloy References [1] Kleinert et al., 2020[2] Gottman & Levenson, 1992[3] Bowlby 1982[4] Linehan, 2015

What happens when you or your ex meet someone new and want to introduce them to your children? This is often a difficult transition but it’s likely to happen at some point, and it will require a lot of self-awareness and control. It’s natural for this next step in your co-parenting journey to feel daunting or overwhelming and for feelings of insecurity or anxiety to arise. We’ll discuss a few tips from people who have ‘been there and done that’ to help you to navigate this new chapter. Six tips for introducing new partners to your children 1. Keep your ex in the loop and communicate openly with them Where possible, discuss introducing new partners to your children with your ex before it happens. Put yourself in their shoes – how would you feel if they introduced someone to your children without knowing? In a co-operative parenting relationship, it’s important that you both have a say and know what’s happening, even though there is little that you or they can do to prevent it. This leads us on to our next tip… 2. Understand you can’t prevent it from happening It’s natural to feel protective over your children but, unless there are danger signs, there’s not much you or your ex can do to prevent a new partner from being introduced at some point. Successful co-parenting relationships all have one thing in common – you both accept that you can’t control everything. It’s OK to request that you meet the new partner before they are introduced to your kids but if that isn’t possible, try to trust that your ex wouldn’t introduce the children to anyone unsuitable. Accepting that you have no say over each other’s new partners can be hard. 3. Establish boundaries sooner rather than later While you can’t stop new partners from being introduced to your kids, it’s important to have an open dialogue to establish boundaries. Let your ex know what you are and aren’t comfortable with and vice versa. Having these conversations prior to the situation happening will help to ease any emotional reactions in the moment. You could even build them into your parenting plan at the point of separating. Being clear and transparent with each other will help grow your co-parenting relationship and set the foundations of your blended family off on the right foot. 4. Don’t talk to your children negatively about your ex’s new partner It’s natural for negative feelings to arise when your ex introduces a new partner, but don’t share these feelings with your kids. Use other support networks like close friends and family and make sure you do it out of earshot from the children. Your children don’t need to know if you dislike the new adult in their life and belittling them in front of the kids won’t help you in the long run. Try and look at this new person as an opportunity rather than a hindrance. You are not being replaced, but rather providing your children with another adult who may become a source of love and guidance in the future. If you can work together, your children may well come to benefit from the experience. 5. Keep busy when your kids are with your ex and their new partner It may be difficult knowing your kids are with someone else, and you may feel lonely or jealous when they are away from you. You can mitigate these feelings by keeping busy or using this time for some self-care. Do something or see people that you wouldn’t normally have time to do or see.  6. Use communication tools for co-parenting There are many helpful co-parenting tools at your disposal, like the amicable co-parenting app. The app helps you to define and communicate your boundaries, schedule shared events to avoid confusion and conflict, and message your ex securely through the messaging function. All the tools were created to help avoid tension and miscommunication that may arise during very common co-parenting milestones like introducing new partners. We hope the above tips help you navigate co-parenting when new partners are introduced. Rebecca Jones, amicable Divorce Coach

When you separate from your ex and have children together, your relationship isn’t over, it’s changed. You may not be romantically tied to each other anymore but you will remain in each other’s lives – learning how to get on and transition from parents to co-parents is a big shift for many couples. Getting it right isn’t easy, but it is worth it and will save you all a lot of hassle and headaches. Here are some tips on how to set things off on the right foot. 1. Create a parenting plan Creating a parenting plan is a game-changer. A parenting plan can help you to record the decisions you’ve made about how and where the children will live, and what your parenting boundaries are. It’s also a great way to pre-empt any issues that may arise in the future. A parenting plan isn’t a legal document and it isn’t set in stone as your children’s ages and stages will change over time. But it is a helpful, structured way of establishing a co-operative parenting relationship. You may be able to work through the process together by using a parenting plan template or you may need to seek support from a co-parenting coach who can help you work through the trickier sections such as shared care arrangements and who pays for what. 2. Accept that It’s OK to have different parenting styles Don’t be put off if you and your ex have different parenting styles. This is not the end of the world and doesn’t need to come in the way of co-operative parenting. You just need to be able to work around it and stick to a plan which enables you to practice both your parenting styles. 3. Don’t sweat the small stuff Give each other time to adjust to your new roles and prepare for when things don’t go to plan. It’s OK to get things wrong, and if you cut your ex some slack, they will likely do the same for you. This is new for both of you and will take time some to get used to but you can be sure of one thing – it’s not going to always go to plan, and that’s OK. If you’re flexible and understanding with your child’s other parent, it’s likely that they will reciprocate. If you’re not willing to be flexible, this may cause tension and result in arguments and won’t benefit any of you. 4. Support your child’s relationship with their other parent It’s important to support your child’s relationship with their other parent. This includes encouraging them to communicate when they are with you. This could be in many forms such as calls, texts, or emails etc. Supporting your ex and cultivating an environment of openness where your children feel they can communicate with both of you will ease the change for them. 5. Keep your child’s other parent in the loop It’s important to keep the other parent in the loop where possible. This doesn’t need to be constant communication; you can just touch base when appropriate. Plan ahead so they aren’t blindsided by things that could have been avoided if you had communicated them earlier. Tools such as the amicable co-parenting app can help with this. 6. Don’t badmouth your ex in front of your kids You and your ex might not be each other’s biggest fan but it’s important to avoid vocalising any negative feelings in front of your children. This can make your children feel like they have to pick sides and may affect their relationship with the other parent. If you do slip up, address it by saying something like “I’m sorry I spoke about your mum/dad like that, I was just cross and I shouldn’t have said that in front of you.” 7. Look for the positives If you always assume the worst about your ex and the things they do, it will likely lead to negative communication. Instead, try and gather all the facts before accusing them of anything and look at the positives in situations. If you lead by example, you will find that your children are better off because of it. 8. Communicate as if your ex is a business contact Keep communication short and sweet, especially over messages. Keep to the point and remove any ‘emotional messaging’. If you’re angry, wait until you have calmed down, read your message again and ask yourself if you’d be happy to send it to a business colleague before pressing send. The amicable co-parenting app The amicable co-parenting app enables you to communicate with your child’s other parent in one secure place. The shared calendar helps you to stay organised and includes shared care schedules, one-off and recurring events for each child. The goals section helps you to define and communicate your boundaries and the messaging function stores all your co-parenting communication in one secure place. Try the app for free for 30 days to see if it can help improve your co-parenting relationship. After the free trial, the app is £9.99 a month or £99.99 for the year. Rebecca Jones, amicable Divorce Coach