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A lesser known risk of online first, meeting later
Dating apps have changed the way we meet potential partners. But, while they can help take some of the hassle out of meeting new people, there’s one risk you may not have considered. Apps like Tinder, OkCupid or Hinge can widen your dating pool by connecting you with other single people you might not otherwise have met. They can also give you information much faster than you might get it in real life. By the time you and a potential partner have decided you want to meet up, you may already have learned lots about each other that might have taken weeks in the real world [1]. This early interaction can remove much of the mystery of dating and help speed up the process of getting to know each other. It can also help to know that there is at least some attraction between you by the time you first meet [1]. Yet, relationship research has shown that this can set many online daters up for failure. Think about the process of building your own dating profile. It’s impossible to give a complete picture so you pick and choose – and, naturally, you want to present your best side. You select the best photos, make the most of your interests, and generally remain on your best behaviour while trying to convince potential matches that they should pick you. This is a normal part of the dating process but what you may not have considered is that we tend to idealise the people we’re getting to know through apps. As you get to know someone online, you build up a version of them in your mind, based partly on reality and partly on filling in the blanks left by their profile. Over time, this imaginary version can become very compelling [2]. When you meet, the imaginary version makes way for the real thing – sometimes, this will be a person you want to continue dating and sometimes it won’t. However, if your online interaction goes on for too long without meeting up, the imagined version gets so ingrained that the real thing doesn’t have a hope of living up to it. The longer you delay the face-to-face meeting, the greater the risk that you’ll be disappointed with each other, and the less likely the relationship is to succeed [2]. So, the next time your dating app presents you with someone you think you might like, don’t wait too long to meet them. Give them the best opportunity to live up to the version of them that you think you’ve been talking to and you the best chance of meeting the real them! References [1] LeFebvre, L. E. (2018). Swiping me off my feet: Explicating relationship initiation on Tinder. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(9), 1205-1229. [2] Ramirez, A., Sumner, E., Fleuriet, C., & Cole, M. (2015). When Online Dating Partners Meet Offline: The Effect of Modality Switching on Relational Communication Between Online Daters. Journal of Computer‐Mediated Communication, 20(1), 99-114.
Article | dating, online dating
“Should I wait?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I am a female 50 yrs old. 25 yrs ago I had a gf. She was 18 & I was 24. I was good to her treated her like she was special. Made her feel special. Then for reasons that I don't know I started treating her mean. Well, she snuck away in the middle of the night. I tried to find her many times throughout the years. Finally , recently, I got in touch with her.she lives 3, 000 mikes away and 9 months ago she got married. She has been with her husband 5 yrs. The 1st 4 yrs. He beat her. He stopped beating her 14 months ago but he has been in jail for 9 of those months. She says She loves him. I didn't realize until we spoke how much I missed her & that I still have love for her. She says that she feels the same but she is married now. I respect that. She wants to give him another chance when he gets out & if he hits her she says that she will leave him. She sent me some nude pics. But then she felt bad & we set boundaries. With her in the lead we passed the boundaries again & went further. Sexting and ph. sex. When he gets out this month she says I cannot contact her anymore because he will beat her. I have no plans on jeopardizing what she has. She says She will contact me. She tokd me not to wait. To go out & date & if he hits her & she leaves him & I am single we can be together. I have no interest in dating anyone else. I want to wait for her. But actually don't want to give my hopes up. Should I wait for her?
Ask the community | dating, trust
“Getting over betrayal?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I'm really struggling to speak to my wife to discuss our children after an affair (on her part). Cutting a very long story short, my wife & I (in my mind) was happy, she was my soul mate and best friend. I told her everything and anything, we spent most of our time together (at work and home) we have 2 amazing children who I love dearly. I have always played a main role in both their up bringing due to me working from home since they were born. Four months ago my wife said out of the blue she wasn't happy and she had feelings for somebody else (one of our friends) she is now living with him and my 2 kids, i'm in the family home which is full of memories and ghosts. I still have regular contact with the kids but no where as much as I would like due to having to start a new job (we closed down our business due to no longer been able to work together) she got really nasty and said a lot of lies which involved me been arrested so she could clear out our home. (i hand on heart did nothing wrong. i have no reason to lie on here as nobody knows me) I don't understand how her personality can change so much - i can only think he is manipulating her (don't get me wrong i would like to 'hurt' him shall we say for what he has done, however i know i will be punished for it - so theres really no point. I just don't understand what I did? Everything was fab before - she was in tears telling me at first, so apologetic but then just turned nasty saying it was my fault she's not been happy for months etc. I did NOT once get asked for a sit down to discuss things, where i/we may have been going wrong etc. It literally went form picture perfect to its over! over night. It's really messing with my head and in all honesty i have silly thoughts all the time, my whole world has ended i just want out! but my 2 amazing kids, i cant leave them - they need me... now more than ever, they are use to seeing me 24/7 i did bath, tea bed - the lot every day. My eldest screams when i drop him off, begging me not to take him there "i dont love mummy" "i want to live with you" it kills me!!! (i'm 99% certain that she won't hurt him, no idea about the new guy though) She's now been nice again (personally i think she's having a mental break down) but she says i can come up and do bath time bed time etc, come for tea - come for xmas (wtf) (all with the new guy there) i'm sorry i just can't deal with it - like i say it was just 4 months ago, it feels so fresh like it was only a week or 2, these 4 moths have flown its scary. Please help me people! How do I get over it? I don't want her back, she's a raving evil nutter - i just want to learn how to get over the betrayal??? I hope i have made sense. Can i forgive her? How do I do it? - more my own sake as well as the kids Thanks in advance One very unhappy lonely dad :( #menhavefeelingstoo
Ask the community | counselling, therapy, parenting apart, breakups