Featured
Losing intimacy
A loss of intimacy or sexual desire can happen in any relationship. Both men and women can experience a loss of desire and it can be very difficult for the other partner to cope. If may feel as if the partner who does not want to have sex has shut down. It may seem as if he or she never initiates sex or has lost interest in completely. Even a temporary dip in your sex life can lead to other difficult feelings, ranging from minor frustrations to more severe distress. There are many reasons a couple stops having sex. There are psychological and physical symptoms that can affect sexual desire, or there may be other factors at play, connected to your environment or other social pressures. Psychological factors Psychological factors could play a major role in sexual problems. Your mental and emotional state can have a significant impact on how you feel about sex – including whether you want to have it at all. Your thoughts have a powerful effect on your body and, once you find yourself in a negative frame of mind, it can be very hard to move forward. Think about how you have been feeling lately. Have you been under stress? Are you anxious about something? Perhaps this could be influencing your partner too. How do you think they might be feeling? Physical factors Intimacy can be affected by physical problems like erectile dysfunction, low desire, vaginismus, pain during intercourse, and premature ejaculation. These might be caused by psychological factors, a poor diet, lack of sleep, or side effects of some medications. If you are concerned about any of these problems, seek advice from your doctor. After the birth of a child, both women and men can be anxious about having sex again. Women may still be in physical pain, and men can worry causing damage. On top of this, new parents are often very busy and exhausted, making it difficult to get back to the way things were before. There is more information on this in the section on 'parenting together'.  Environmental factors Where you live and your immediate surroundings might also play a part. If you or your partner live in a shared house or with parents, you may worry about being overheard, or just feel strange about having sex when there’s someone else in the house.Other stresses in your life, like troubles at work, money worries, or a family crisis, can also put extra pressure on your sex life. What is your current situation? Could something unrelated be causing a problem for you and your partner? Social pressures Portrayals of sexuality in films and TV, or even on our friends’ social media profiles might lead you to think that everyone else is having sex all the time. Even if you know this is unrealistic, it can still put pressure on you to measure up. Sex is very personal for every couple. What feels right for one couple may not be for you. Try to let go of the pressure to do what you think you should be doing, and instead just focus on being happy with your partner. Sex is a difficult subject to talk about, but each of us has our own needs and desires and it’s OK to talk about these with your partner. Try have a frank and open discussion about what you’d like and any problems you might have, encouraging your partner to share their side of things too.   If you can break the cycle of negative thoughts and start to think positively about yourself and your sex life, it will help you start to get back on track.  If you are concerned about any of the issues raised above, seek professional support from a doctor, or a sex and relationships counsellor.
Article | intimacy, sex
21 4 min read
“His lack of interest in sex”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hi everyone, So I have been with my partner for four years and, during the start of the relationship, he was somewhat obsessed with porn. He would masturbate anywhere from 1-3 times a day and would lie to my face saying he had cut down on porn or stopped it all together. I thought this had stopped by the time we moved in together however he would just wake up early in the morning to masturbate. We spoke about this and he has stopped this habit for the past year (or so he has told me). During the first three years of our relationship we have had a very active sex life, however i noticed that around this time last year it started to fade overtime. It has got to the point that sex is hardly ever initiated by him and it will be me that puts in the effort. Over the past couple of weeks/months, I have been trying to figure out how to liven things up with toys/pics/texts and just being overall spontaneous. I'll be waiting in lingerie for when he comes home, or invite him in the shower with me and sleeping naked but he doesn't even give me a second look. It genuinely breaks my heart and feels as though he perceives sex as a chore he has to complete (which of course i do not encourage), whenever i talk to him about this he will say things along the lines of 'fine, i'll do it tomorrow' or the classic 'i'm just tired' (no matter what time/day it is he will always say this). Even during the act, he just seems out of it and the only times he really wants it is if i suggest that we watch porn together or he fantasises about cuckolding. I just really don't know what to do, I feel pathetic and desperate sometimes. All i have running through my head is 'am i ugly?', 'does he not find me attractive anymore?', 'am i wearing too much make up or not enough?', 'maybe if i did this or that he would like it more?' I really don't know what to do at this point, I've been crying over this the past two nights as he barely touches me and the feeling of being rejected/not wanted cuts me deeply due to being abandoned as a child which i do acknowledge and try my best to overcome those feelings. Any help or advice would be so deeply appreciated.
Ask the community | sex, communication, sexless
“Intimate three times in five years”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Well, after five years of definitely a less than sexless marriage, three times in all.. Finally had THE CHAT! He says he loves me and attractive but each night thinks I'll wait till tomorrow.. Yes tomorrow never comes.. No pun intended.. He's a closed book usually but told him how unloved unattractive I felt. I've been patient but not desperate for sex that I would cheat but one passionate kiss at least not much to ask.. So every night we'll be in bed and I may as well be sleeping next to a stone.. He wouldn't notice if I had old pj's on or nice lingerie or even naked he's only 40.. Now he does have health issues and is now depressed.. But last week I asked him if he relieved himself he said yes last week and I know it would be to porn.. So no I am not upset that he can't be intimate I'm angry.. If you've no sex drive yet can't respond to your partner naked next to you but can do that then you are either a liar or keeping something from me. Then he admitted he also feels untrusted.. Well, over five years ago I found a secret twitter account where he'd been tweeting a female workmate way too flirty he had worked with her every night for 8 years I'd never heard of her.. Reading the tweets I was stunned I'm all for having friends but then to see thanks for visiting?? He had visited her at home once then it was twice but both times with friends when she had broken her leg.. If he had told me I would have said get her some flowers but it was the week I was in hospital with pneumonia and he couldn't visit me.. He wouldn't add me on Facebook but liked all her sorry.. slutty pics and a man's work leaving do turned out to be hers as I found out later and he'd been liking her outfit pic in the bathroom just before he went and rolled in at 6am..he finally understood he'd been disrespectful and after another 18 months I finally said enough take her off twitter and Facebook..I would have done it instantly if I had been behaving like that. He did she moved job and got a boyfriend it's the sneakiness he said he had never had a woman as a friend and it was work banter.. I let it go and accepted he'd not carry it on.. But the visiting at home was still niggling so I sent her a polite txt... She said he'd never mentioned a partner once and was very secretive but he visited twice both times alone.. Even when I told him what she said he still lied to my face.. Just the last few months I've got over the lies and deceit and after our chat I asked how he got there.. Nice.. two buses there and back. He then had another female at work start the same but he said he'd nipped it in the bud.. Partly I felt I had caused his depression by taking his 'friend' away.. So you can see where the mistrust comes in sometimes I've pretended to be asleep when he gets home not to feel like a stranger in my own bed but all he says partly I believe but funny all the intimacy stopped exactly the time she popped up. On twitter etc he's great in all other ways but now I'm getting to the point where I think uuck.. Do I really want to sleep with him never mind me intimate and days I want to say leave the car keys and door keys.. I just wish I knew if he was being truthful and things could improve or do I say adios thanks for the memories.. Nightmares.. Its his only day off today and jokingly I said you know tonight's the night he laughed and said yes takeaway and a movie.. Ffs is he just dim.. Depressed or a snide two faced liar. I'm at the end of my tether and 20 years together can't drag on if it's one sided I don't need him I want him but I want him to want me or at least take drama lessons..i still think he's carrying a torch for her and his porn watching has got him to a point where he can't do the deed with a real person. Sorry long rant but not told anyone before.. So any advice? Lying using snake or a depressed man? I have tried to help do I cut my losses while I love him or let him stay as a roommate which is all he feels like and be taken over by bitterness? The trust issue is his burden trust has to be re earned when broken or am I just putting 2 and 2 together and making 5 and overreacting?
User article | sex, communication, sexless
“He never wants to be intimate”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hello everyone, I've been needing to get something off my chest for a long time now. It's something very personal and I can't bring myself to talk to anyone in my social circle or family, because I feel very embarrassed, neglected and as if something is wrong with me. I've been seeing my partner for about 10 months now. For context, I haven't had very many sexual partners as I've always been in committed relationships since my teens (and am now 24). My partner (28) on the other hand has had many sexual partners and has never been in a committed relationship before me, and would, I quote, "pump and dump". So a very big player who would just fuck around, pardon my language. At the beginning of the relationship, physically everything was great, we were both very into each other and would be intimate almost every time we saw each other. However, after 4/5 months of being together, the physical intimacy became much more scarce. He would never initiate, or say he was tired. I was the one always initiating and trying to be intimate, and they would just make up an excuse or laugh it off like a joke. I would try everything, wearing sexy lingerie while walking around the apartment, joining them in the shower, walking and lying around naked... And they would just either ignore it or react as if I was making a joke. And now it's gotten to a point where I'm too worried about rejection to even try anymore, and it's such a horrible feeling knowing that if I don't try, they'll never even bother to initiate (which is the sad reality). It's just feels so humiliating, that the person that's meant to love me and be attracted to me doesn't even want to touch me. He talks long term goals, including marriage, potentially having kids and buying property together, so I know he's not cheating on me and is very much attracted to me still. I am considered by societies standards as conventionally attractive, and receive a lot of attention from the opposite sex. But I don't get any from the person I love, and it makes me feel as if I'm disgusting or something is wrong with me. I feel so ashamed and humiliated, and am so worried because we're not even a year into our relationship and we're already having intimacy issues, and we're both a young couple who should theoretically be in their prime physically. There are also issues when we are intimate. I only climax from oral, not from penetrative sex. He said when we first started seeing each other, that he was a "selfless lover" and couldn't selfish if he wanted to be, because he got off on his partner getting off. And he couldn't get me to climax through regular sex, and I did tell them I could only climax through oral, and then he just gave up. He doesn't even try. In the 10 months we've been together, I can count the number of times he's gone down on me on one hand. And he always says how he "loves" how I taste and makes these remarks like "I can't wait for dessert" or something along those lines, but then never actually does it. So it makes me feel so dejected and as if I'm dirty and disgusting. I'm at a point where I don't know what to do anymore, I feel as though I've given up. Even going to bed, he doesn't cuddle and normally comes to bed after I've already fallen asleep.so I just end up crying myself to sleep. I don't know what to do anymore, I just feel so alone and dejected.
Ask the community | sex, communication, sexless
“Conditional sex”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I have been with my partner for over 4 years although I have known him since I was a teenager. We both have been married before and have children from previous relationships. When we first got together sex was amazing and all the time, I had never felt so fantastic and I felt that I had finally found someone who understood and matched my sexual desire. I took ill and was stuck at home for over a year, lost my job and my confidence and gained weight. While I was unwell there was a change, I was often the one to initiate sex and he would say it would be selfish for him to want sex when I was ill. I said I could make the decision if I was up to it or not there would be an argument and he would huff for a while but then carry on. We did always however have a good level of closeness always holding hands, hugging and being together. Once I recovered we got back to having great sex again but there was a change, he seems to only want sex if I wear a dress, stockings and heels. This is 'what he likes' and it seems he is just not interested in me otherwise and he rarely initiates sex. These conditions that seem to be almost like rules now make me feel quite sad, I miss just making love on a Saturday morning or having a 'quickie' when the kids are out. He may think I look sexy when I dress like this but I just feel unattractive and under great pressure and I never feel good enough. He is a perfectionist and he will point out if there is the smallest snag in my stockings or I haven't shaved properly. It is as though he has standards that I just don't meet anymore so he would rather do without sex. I love him deeply and fancy him like crazy but I am sexually frustrated and scared we are drifting too far apart to fix it.
Ask the community | sex, communication, sexless