Hi. I was torn between making it work and personal struggles since I feel like I want to make my relationship work, because it is at a rough patch because of my struggles.
Anyway, I’ve been in a relationship now for about 3,5 years. Everything is kind of great BUT. We are both in university, that makes working on our relationship harder. When we are together I love him, I want to cuddle and we have a great connection. We have things to talk about as well since we have similar upbringing. The bedroom department has been a little on the rocks lately, since my new contraceptive method. Nevertheless I feel it is not lacking, because I voiced my feelings, he understood and the total thing has been improving since then. This is the background, now to the actual problem.
The situation I am about to describe has happened multiple times, I think around 5 times. When I am living in a different place for a moment or we are apart (by distance) and a new guy approaches me I turn to a complete moron. I talk to him consistently for a couple of days or weeks and I will develop a crush for him. Then, if I haven’t done it in a first place, when I will tell him that I have a boyfriend, the guy usually drifts apart. Nothing physical happens (okay with one guy we kissed and it felt super wrong), but I think I’m emotionally cheating. And at the time I feel so distant from my boyfriend that I am always thinking of leaving him. When the crush guy leaves, I always come back to my mind and realise that I want my boyfriend and it was just a crush. It’s easier if the crush is a new person, very bad if an ex.
The last time, actually today, I met with an ex, that I still think is my soulmate, we had such a blast! When I am in this moment, I feel like the "new guy" is so great that I will leave my boyfriend. The boyfriend that has been nothing but good to me. And after that I feel so stupid. Because the other guy may be talking to multiple girls, but I am willing to leave my good longterm relationship. Why am I willing to leave it so quickly? I feel like a rush of emotions and adrenaline and like I don’t even care about my boyfriend. But I do! I really care for him, but I think at some point I will do something that I regret and cannot take back. And this pattern has repeated a couple of times as mentioned.