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Your crush may be good for your relationship

Before anyone answers, please know I'm not looking to be judged. In a nutshell, I want to be over this. The problem is, I have been sincerely in love with my husband's brother for years. Every year it gets stronger. My husband and I started dating when we were 17 and his brother was only in 6 grade. We got married at 19- about 8 years ago. Around 6 years ago, I developed a personal relationship with my brother in law that was totally healthy and since then have always had a soft spot. I really can't remember when it started, at least 4 years ago, I began to fall in love with him. I know it's wrong. I don't need to be told that. It's gotten to the point that when I'm around him I get depressed. I tried telling myself it's sick because he is basically my little brother but that doesn't work. I won't go on about what it is I love about him as to not justify my feelings. I tried severing any ties or chance of seeing- hearing about him but their family is close and it isn't really possible with out it seeming suspicious. My six year old son is extremely close to him and talks about him constantly. I can't get away from it. I go to bed thinking about him and wake up thinking about him. My marriage is a good one. We got married too young and are very different people. Regardless, my husband and I love each other very much and are best friends. We have moved passed the gushy part on our relationship but are mature adults. I'm a black and white person and feel like there is no situation that would ever make being with my brother in law OK. But I can honestly say I have never loved anyone the way I love him, and it's love that has grown over years. How do I get over him? I know these feelings are not healthy for me my family or my husband's.

Ask the community | someone else, crush

“I'm falling in love with my brother-in-law”

I read a similar post to this tonight so it felt good to see other women are in the same position as me. I just feel like I need advice. I literally have no one to talk about this because, well, we all know how sick and wrong this is. Before I started to have 'feelings' for my brother-in-law he was just my obnoxious brother-in-law. The one with the crazy annoying girlfriend who wanted to wear a white dress to my wedding. My husband and I began dating two years before they did. We went to the same high school for a year and that's when i was close to my brother in law. It was always fun and giggles, just us three. My husband has always been close and over protective of him. After we left high school he started dating this girl and since i didn't see him as much we drifted apart. A year after our graduation my husband proposed and my brother in law was still dating this girl so i thought hey! I'm gunna get to know her and make her feel welcome into the family. That turned pretty ugly so soon. The closer i got to her i noticed her imitating my syle. It didnt bother me at first, i actually felt cool, hey she likes my style! But then her certain comments started tugging at me like oh you only did this because i did it or because i like it. And well that was soo not the case. I ignored it until the day she told she had bought her dress for my wedding. She sent me pictures and oh my god. It looked like a wedding dress. Naturally a bride-zilla would go off and say uhm hello no you dumb bitch its white wtf. But she got defensive said it was beige made a scene with the whole family and my bil hated me for almost 2 years. He wouldn't say hi to me at family events he would ignore me and actually he was just so rude to me all the time. I kinda grew a huge annoyance with them. I couldn't stand to look at them ever because as time kept going they just kept wanting to do everything my husband and i did and they loved to brag more about it on social media. After three years i was finally able to ignore them more easily and he actually had apologized in that time frame so hanging around them was alot easier. She no longer bothered me as much and still til this day doesnt bother me how much she tries to do everything like i do because believe me she does. I didnt hate my brother in law anymore and we got along the normal. Not too much like before but nothing at all compared to hate we kind of both felt. Just until recently we had a family trip.. its 4 brothers young enough for the four of them to hang out, ( my husband is the third of them so yes I'm talking about the younger brother) and the two older wives have became my bestest friends so this is why i cant tell them of all this agony i feel. Anyway, we went to vegas to celebrate my husband and the girlfriends bday. They land only two days apart. It was a three day trip and everything was fine, we drank we laughed we all seemed to get closer as a family. I didn't realize how happy it had made me to be close to my brother in law again until our last day of the trip. We spontaneously decided to go to universal studios and it was so much fun! Until the very end. My husband and my other brother in laws were at customer service trying to get some annual passes something like that and the rest of the girls were tired. I wanted to go to the harry potter shop and look around so i left by myself while they waited. When i was on my way back my brother in law was walking towards me alone and i didnt think too much of it so i asked him if he was going to buy something. He said no, he said he only came to see me. And of course i wasnt taking it seriously i thought he was making fun of me but at the moment he gave me a look he had never given me before so i kinda couldnt speak and just stood there stupid and by the time i arranged what had just happened we were too close to everyone to hear so nothing happened after that. The whole ride home i couldn't stop thinking about it. About why he said that he just wanted to see me. He had seen me all trip. I didn't understand. I wanted to shake it off of my head and i was able to forget for the next few weeks. But after that i kept seeing him and the he looked at me just wasn't the same anymore. Or maybe it was me feeling those things that made me think differently but i cant breathe when he looks at me that way and i always panic and look away. To make things worse, two weeks later we found out he had been having an affair with his girlfriends friend for seven months. And i forgot to mention they were already engaged in that seven month period. The girlfriend of course didn't cancel the wedding and he was forgiven. You would've thought if the idea of him being my brother in law would've grossed me out, this would've just ended it all for me! But nope. Here i am still with these terrible feelings. We've never touched more than a quick hello hug and kiss on the cheek and i crave his warmth so much. He never said anything else but that comment at universal studios again to me and i still miss talking to him. Were never alone anywhere and i always make up possiblities to try and make it possible but it never happens or i chicken out. I wish i didn't felt this way because i know that i could never forgive something like what he did. And my husband is so great. He is so close to his little brother too. But i just cant ever stop thinking if he feels the same way. Just to talk to him. To kiss him and tell him how i feel but i know that if i do ill wreck everything. Specially after what he did. I don't even know for certain if he feels this way or if he doesn't but its his gaze that keeps my hope alive but kills me slowly as well. Every song reminds me of him every love movie and i don't know why. The more i know i cant have him makes me want him even more and it kills me knowing how wrong it is. I want to forget him but hes so close with my husband and the whole family is super close its extremely hard to not think about him. What more could i do?

User article | someone else, crush

“Affair with a close friend and neighbour”

I've been married for more than 8 years and I can say I am happily married. We are both in our mid 30's and my husband is supportive. He completely adores me! I also love him very much. I love being with him. Actually, we have that kind of relationship everybody "envies" and considers very balanced. About 3 months ago I started to have an affair with my neighbour. We both have children who are friends and we have always spent a lot of time together. It all started off innocently enough and over the years we flirted and started to become emotionally attached. We discussed and shared lot of things in past. He is intelligent person and good friend of my husband. Most of time my husband use to travel for his work. Approx 3 months back i visited his home for some work. His wife and kids were away from home. After having some normal discussion he touched me i don't know what happened to me. In moment of heat, i allowed him. Since then it happened few times more. Now i feel very insecure. He keep asking after every few days. I deny but he says he loves me and need me. He says he wont get same feeling with his wife. He is also married and has no intention to leave his wife. I don't intend to leave my husband and my kid, but this situation is getting a little out of control for me. At least in what concerns my stability or sanity. Sometimes I just don't know exactly what I should do or what I really want. Go on with this relationship or end it? I'm getting very confused and the problem is that if I was not married to my husband, I would like to be married to this man - we also have a lot in common and that's what strikes me - how many times in your life are you supposed to meet your "soul mate"? I thought I had met mine 8 years ago when I met my husband (and I still do)? What should I do?

Ask the community | someone else, crush

“Is it love or lust?”

I've been married for two years, and with my husband for five years. We’ve had a tough year with our relationship and I’ve struggled with the lack of commitment given to our relationship by my husband. He has become emotionally and physically unengaged – he promises me nothing has happened to make him be different and says he loves me but he can’t seem to love me like he used to. I’m always giving chances after chance but I seem to get hurt every time with broken promises and lack of effort made to make our relationship work. So I began to look at myself, thinking maybe it is me, maybe I don’t have the love for myself so I began working on my own confidence and happiness. I started with getting myself into fitness, getting my old body back and getting back into something I love. So, six months ago I joined a fitness group this has been a lifesaver for me, and my attitude towards my life, relationship and my work. However, in this fitness group I met this guy who has become very dear to me as a friend. We began meeting outside of the fitness group for coffee, running, social events with the fitness group and we now speak every day. He speaks to me with such respect, interest, care. About a month ago he went away for a few weeks and thought this would be the perfect opportunity to fizzle the friendship out to a certain aspect as the dynamics of our friendship had begun to change. Things he had been saying insinuated he may possibly have feelings and I felt myself sharing such feelings, an attraction to him. This guy was due to go on holiday for three weeks, so I felt myself feeling as if I should fizzle out the relationship as I felt terrible I would let myself do this, and I owed my own relationship the respect it deserved – after all I chose to marry this man. During the three weeks, I resisted all I could to not communicate with this guy, and I couldn’t but it was a lot less than it was previously – and soon the conversations became very bland, so to speak, but inside I missed him so very much. But I thought this was good it had actually fizzled out and it was more lust rather than anything else. However, now he is back from holiday and I've seen him in our fitness group, it has flooded back – all my thoughts, emotions and conversations have sparked back without a second thought. It is like we gravitate to one another without even meaning to – I’m still trying to resist talking to him and backing off. But my relationship still seems to have no improvements.

Ask the community | crush, someone else

“I like him but I'm his boss”

A few months ago I ended a 5-year relationship with a guy who ended up cheating on me. We live and work in a small town, so pretty much everyone found out about the whole thing immediately. So I take a couple weeks off, come back to work and we've hired a new guy. Departments only about 15 people large, but I am a shift manager and have direct authority over the department. In other words, I am this guys immediate supervisor (you can see where this is going already I bet). Of course we start hanging out, because he's amazing and we have a ton in common. I started getting the feels less than a month knowing him, and excused it as being hurt from my previous relationship and wanting something new and fun. As time has gone on though, I realize it's more than just an infatuation. I really like this guy. Problem number #1 is of course, I'm his boss, and it most definitely is against company policy for us to date. Problem #2 is that I don't actually have confirmation he feels at all the same way. Everything in every 'is he into you' guide screams yes, but he's kind of socially awkward (another lovely trait we have in common) and absolutely won't make a move no matter what the situation. We flirt regularly, but it's casual, text 100+ times a day, and generally have that kind of high school pre-relationship relationship we all remember (not so fondly). I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know he isn't the type of guy to run to HR if I simply tell him I have a crush on him. The real fear there is screwing up the friendship we've begun to build. I like this guy enough to not want to lose him from my life, in any capacity. If he doesn't reciprocate, I don't want to make things weird between us. I feel like through my inaction though I have no chance of seeing if this could be a real thing. He knows I just went through a bad breakup, and part of me feels like he's just being super respectful by not pushing, but another part of me thinks he doesn't see us as anything but platonic and is awkward enough to not really get the signals he's sending. Halp me internet. What am I supposed to do?

User article | someone else, crush

“Can't stop thinking about someone else”

Hi there. I have been with my boyfriend on and off for almost 6 years. He is my first love and I care greatly for him. The problem is someone I've known for many years also, we have always had a spark between us and i cant help but think about him. I feel I am currently unhappy in my relationship, I'm not sure if we really have any future and as much i love the guy I'm beginning to wonder if it may be best to go our separate ways. The more unhappy i have become in my relationship the more me and this other guy have been talking. We talk online and text each other most days and i have heard through friends that he likes me and i think i like him too. The trouble is i don't know if i really should end things with my boyfriend, 6 years is a lot to give up on and i don't want to just assume something would happen with this other guy. But am I really staying with my partner for the right reasons? If I were to end things what would be the best way? And what do I do about this other guy? Please help any advice would be greatly appreciated, I'm so sick of thinking about this.

Ask the community | someone else, compatibility

“I'm in love with him... but he has a girlfriend”

First, please understand that I want no part in ruining someone's relationship. To cause someone pain is the very last thing I want. I am not here to get advice on how to "get him to break up with her". I'm here to share my story and perhaps hear back from others who have experienced the same thing. I met this man a few years back, and there was instantaneous physical attraction to him. We had run into each other a few times, briefly spoken and that was all. But soon we became inadvertently involved in the same projects, and our friendship continued to grow... or rather, I became emotionally attracted to him as well. He knows how I feel about him, because I told him. Perhaps not the extent, but that there are definitely feelings. Obviously, since he has a girlfriend, I also told him that I would say or do nothing to try to change that and we continued to hang out more and more. He is very kind to me and treats me well. We both listen to each other, and I feel as though I can trust or tell him anything. I believe he feels the same about me, because he has talked about many things that are clearly personal matters, and mentions his girlfriend to me on occasion, even telling me that things aren't going well. I, of course, try to steer him in the direction of trying to work things out with her, because I assume he is happy with her and I DO like his girlfriend too. Even if I didn't, it wouldn't be something I would try to work to my advantage. He treats me very much in a manner that seems like more than 'friendship' to me. Perhaps it's just a STRONG friendship, but there is often little touches, flirting, obvious desire to spend time with me, buying food and drinks whenever we go out to eat. We have SO much in common, more so than I think he does with his girlfriend, and there is definitely a vibe of understanding in one another. It does make me wonder sometimes if he really feels more for me than even a strong friendship. I also know guys are often flirtatious with their friends too. But it's also the way he looks at me, and is completely at ease around me... the vibes of at the very least, an attraction. I know a lot of you will think, "Why does she continue to hang out with him if she's obviously unable to have him?" Because though in my heart of hearts, I DO desire a relationship with him, I also have never been the kind of person to back away from a friendship unless that person was deliberately hurting me... and I don't think he IS deliberately hurting me. Well, the hurt just comes from my desire being unrequited and of course worrying about "what if" he decided to begin something with me (only if it were after leaving his girlfriend, in what my deepest of hopes would be a mutual decision between him and her where there is as little hurt as possible) and worrying if he would just do the very same thing with another girl... and worrying about his girlfriend (who has seemingly accepted our friendship), possibly getting hurt in the end. I want what is best for everyone but I don't want to lose him as a friend. Though I have nights where I feel sad, I AM okay with him being my friend. Just having him near is good enough, knowing that he cares about me in SOME healthy way. That is the extent of it. I know I'm continuing to get my hopes up, but I also know the reality of it. I know he may not even be infatuated with me, and that I might just be reading too much into it. I know I may be in love with the "idea" of him, though I personally feel that isn't so... every possible outcome I have gone through several times. What are your thoughts? Any similar stories? (There must be) Thank you all for reading.

Ask the community | someone else, flirting

“I don't trust my man's female friend”

Hi guys. I'm new here... I can't discuss this with anyone in my life, so *really* I hope you can help me wrap my head around this problem. Lately, I've been stressed by a new addition in my boyfriend's life: his female friend from work. He and I are in our 20s and have been together for two years. We've had a solid and happy relationship until this point...and it's still mostly happy as long as his "friend" doesn't come up in conversation. The summary is this: I don't trust his female friend AT ALL. And I feel that my boyfriend should be more alert to the red flags that I'm seeing from her. Henceforth I will call this girl "Lacey" and I'll call my boyfriend "Joe." Here's the facts on Joe: He's extremely mellow by nature. He's nonjudgmental (a little too much, in my opinion) He's extremely loyal and respectful towards women. He's a clear and honest communicator. My happiness is one of his greatest priorities, but he won't compromise his values or beliefs to please me. He gets sad about the fact that he has very few friends. He doesn't want to lose Lacey's friendship. Here's the facts about me: I'm pretty smart and diplomatic. I'm a pretty good judge of character and strongly dislike unethical people. I'm not a jealous person and know that I can't change someone or dictate how to live their life. If there is a conflict, I always scrutinize my feelings and perspective before the other person's. Here's the facts on Lacey: She's in her mid-twenties and is single. She comes across as attractive and normal.... until you know her backstory. She got pregnant as a teenager and has two kids by two men. She was married to Dad#2 until he cheated. Then she started cheating WITH him on his currently-pregnant girlfriend. She felt zero guilt about this. Now Dad#1 has temporarily moved into her apartment with his new girlfriend. Lacey is now cheating with him instead. Again, she feels no guilt for doing this. Besides those scary facts, this is my biggest problem with her: She seems clueless about proper behavior when being friends with a man in a relationship. Here are some examples: - When Joe and I first started hanging out with her, we'd go out every weekend. Then I started realizing she had no interest in being friends with me. She ignored my existence 90% of the time and only talked to Joe about work or her life. Also, she would only text him, not me. I found it very rude and started not wanting to hang out with her. - While she was cheating with Dad#2, she would show Joe VERY EXPLICIT texts that Dad#2 would send her. Things like, "I wanna lick your *bleep* and make you *bleep* while you *bleep* my *bleep." I think it's very inappropriate that she showed these to my boyfriend. - She came over once to hang out. I got tired at midnight and went to bed. Instead of leaving soon after (which seems proper to me), she stayed and talked with Joe until after 1:00am. - She has asked to have dinner with Joe on a Friday/Saturday evening a few times. Once, they were out for about 6 hours. I ended up going to bed by myself. My boyfriend insisted that it was fine and normal. I feel it wasn't right. - The last time she came over, she kept pressuring my boyfriend to smoke a cigarette with her on our balcony, knowing that I wasn't happy about it. I didn't like the vibe I got from that. During this same evening, she talked about the banter she & Joe engage in through text. She sounded like a teenager bragging about thinly-veiled flirtation: "Omigod, like, he's SO MEAN to meeee! He said I was uglyyyy," she said while laughing. "Even when I make little sad faces in my text, he's still mean to meee!" ......... I just sat there like, Really? You think I wanna hear about what you two banter about? Joe insists that he knows what flirtation is, and doesn't flirt with her. - In the past month, she quit her job at the place where she and Joe worked. Now she has a lunch shift that coincides with Joe's. They've gotten lunch together a few times now. And she has posted two Instagram photos of them at lunch together. She likes referring to him as her BFF ("best friend forever"). In the second photo, she was pressed against his side with her hand wrapped around his upper arm. It was a pose that could be construed as either innocent or a bit too cozy. So that's it in a nutshell. I keep trying to avoid blaming Joe for condoning and going along with her questionable behavior (especially those dinners they used to get). I don't want to blame him because, all this time, he's been 100% upfront and honest about their interactions, and he said he'd never be inappropriate or cause problems. He also thinks I'm judging her too harshly and reading too far into her behavior. I think he's ignoring red flags, ESPECIALLY the fact that she's a shameless cheater! And I think he's egging her on by condoning questionable behavior: letting her take pictures of them together, buying her a funny shirt, texting her regularly, etc. I just don't know how to feel about this, guys. I hope you can tell me your thoughts about this. I know that asking him to end their friendship is out of the question. That's not my job as his girlfriend. But am I crazy for thinking she's behaving inappropriately? (Or is he behaving inappropriately too?) Am I crazy for thinking he shouldn't be hanging around with a woman who cheats shamelessly? Am I crazy for thinking that spending evenings alone with her is inappropriate from now on, now that they have the opportunity to get lunch together? I would really appreciate any advice or thoughts you guys have on my situation. It's so hard feeling so alone. :'(

Ask the community | trust, someone else, flirting

“I have a boyfriend, but I'm falling for someone else”

Hey there, I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 4 years - we met abroad, then, after year or so, we moved back to my country and he found a job and some friends here. Our relationship, on the other hand, started going downhill; We have common interests - except that he's social and likes to go out, while I am and do not... but he's very practical, down to earth and career and money are important to him, while I'm a typical dreamer: I couldn't care less about career and money, I want to do what makes me happy - in my free time as well as professionally - and I don't want to be faced with financial and bureaucratic issues very single day... I'm not saying that one approach is better or worse, that the other, I'm just saying, that we're different and we want different things. We argue a lot and while I'm overly patient and careful with what I say, my boyfriend get very aggressive and overwhelming. Aggressive as in pushing his opinion into my face, not letting me talk, not listening to my point and not taking them into account...then, a few hours later, when he calms down, he acts like nothing's happened...Other time we're okay, he acts like he still loves me and wants me, he makes plans with me, yet we don't do 'romantic stuff' and don't talk about our thoughts and feelings much... And, now that you have an idea of my ongoing relationship... I've met this guy on a long weekend with friends about a year ago and we 'zinged'. We're very similar, he's also calm, introverted, but very caring. We make each other feel special and good about ourselves. We message each other, we talk sometimes, but we don't push it. I know he likes me, and I know he knows that I like him, but we don't say it...because I have a boyfriend and I don't want to hurt him and while he knows the problems we have, the other guy respect it. But I can't stop thinking about him. At first I thought it was a crush or something I felt because my boyfriend and I had problems, but still, I think about him and when I see him, it's like...i'm just happy. I think I'm (falling) in love with him. Yet, my boyfriend and I have been together for so long and we've been through so much...he's a kind of troubled person and I've been trying to help him and he's also been supporting me through a lot, even bad decisions. It feels kinda unfair even to just have feelings for someone else and thinking about being with someone else... What the hell should I do?

Ask the community | someone else

“In love with another man”

I think that I'm in love with another man. He has a girlfriend, but he has been flirting with me. I don't know what to do, should I pursue him or just let it go?

Ask the community | crush

“I'm happy in love, but have feelings for another woman”

Ok so I am a guy and have a bit of a situation where I need some advice. I have been with my girlfriend for almost 5 years now. I love her and consider myself the luckiest I have ever been to have her. She is the most loyal and committed woman I have ever been with. Ever since the first few months of our relationship, we would stay at each others' houses every night and rarely spent nights apart. So we essentially lived with each other this entire time and have had very minimal problems or conflicts. We now have our own apartment and are still getting along as living partners great. That is the beautiful thing about our relationship is that we are so compatible and cooperative that we can spend every day with each other with little-to-no problems. Of course, there are small things that we get angry about (i.e. "how come I'm always the one doing blah blah?", "all you do is play video games", etc) but they are always temporary and they do not affect the structural integrity of our relationship. We have our ups and downs, and have even separated at one point because things were not working correctly. We eventually reunited and agreed to improve on (and we have improved on) the areas where we were lacking in our relationship. Today, we are strong, together and have big commitments in our future. BUT... here is my predicament. I have a friend that I met through work (we no longer work together currently) and have gotten to be very close friends. She confides in me about things she says she does not tell anyone else, even her family. We share several common interests, passions and get along very well. She has many desirable qualities as a woman and as a person in general. She is essentially the polar-opposite of my girlfriend in many regards. She's also drop dead gorgeous. She has also fought through some very adverse and tragic phases of her life on her own will and has made it to become a strong, independent, self-sufficient, and loving person. She still has her flaws, and actually comes to me for help and guidance. She has had a difficult past with relationships and has always seemingly ended up with guys who don't give her the love, care, commitment, dedication, etc. that she deserves. She has also stated that she is not ready for another relationship as she is still not over her ex-husband. Also, she doesn't get along with other women and doesn't have many female friends (which makes things more difficult) So recently, she has been just "hooking up", "seeing" and spending time with guys. All of which seem to just want to get in her pants. She's aware of what some guys are capable of, yet her actions still contradict what she really wants, which is to be single and emotionally heal from her previous relationship. We text each other very often and spend time with each other a lot (sometimes alone and sometimes with my girlfriend and other friends). I've always been physically attracted to her, but in the past few months other feelings have started to develop. I feel a connection with her. It feels wrong and I don't know how it even developed. I love my girlfriend and would never break my loyalty to her. However, I also understand that you simply can't change what your heart feels. I've tried to remedy this problem with an attempt to channel or reroute my feelings in an appropriate manner, in the form of being a good and loyal FRIEND. When she needs me, I'm there. If she needs advice, I'll give it. If she needs a smile, I'll try to make her laugh. That kind of thing. Purely platonic friendship. My strategy has held firm but as not solved my problem. I don't want to have feelings for this woman! Keep in mind I have never told her that I do have feelings for her. So just last night, we had a get-together/kickback at her place and my girlfriend and I went. Mind you, alcohol was involved. We were all having a great time. There were two guys that came, one of which she knew (and apparently liked). There came a point during the night where everyone (minus my girlfriend and I) became visibly drunk, including my friend. I know she is quite the belligerent drinker and doesn't think quite clearly when she drinks so I kept a close but subtle eye on her. She began making out with this guy (who I believe she has only know for a month or so). There was this feeling in my stomach and fire that started to burn in my mind when I saw it. Jealously? Maybe. The way I analyzed it in my own mind was that I was having a conflict within my own mind. One side of me has feelings for this girl and the other side of me knows her past and has a duty as a friend to protect her from situations where she will get hurt again. For the lack of a better phrase, this sucked ass for more than one reason. Not only did I feel guilty that I was jealous of what I was seeing because my girlfriend was there, but because I had no right to feel guilty! I care for this girl in more ways than one, but I want it to only be ONE way...the PLATONIC way. I don't want to jeopardize this relationship with my girlfriend that I've built for so long. I'm all out of ideas of how to remedy this situation. Do I tell the truth to her about how I feel and lay my cards out on the table? Would that solve anything? Do I continue trying to be a good friend? Will my feelings eventually dissipate or get even stronger? I really need some help here. Thanks.

Ask the community | someone else

“I have fantasies about someone else”

I don't understand myself. I consider myself a loyal person who doesn't want to mess around. I want a relationship that works. I'm in a relationship with my first love. We're certain about our future. We're going to build a family together. However, my mind often slips away and fantasizes about other guys. I always convince myself that it is just a short-term madness and, most of the time, it is. The feeling did fade away, but I feel so terrible for my boyfriend. He doesn't deserve this. We always have sweet talks. I love the way we are. Stupid and shitty as it is, I am fantasizing about my professor. I never have until he appeared in my dream once. I've started to notice him like what the f**k. I've started to lock swift eyes on him. Weird thing is I caught him doing the same shit. My mind and my head is a complete mess. I am naturally attracted to good looking guys, but as I say I don't fall in love if my mind does not think about it further. It fades, but when my mind keeps thinking and analyzing shit, it will be messed up. Like what the hell. Normally, my boyfriend and I share every secret with each other, but not this. I don't want to hurt him because it'll hurt me too. I don't share my sheepish stories even with my best friend because I believe time will make everything up for me as it always does. And, another thing is we broke up once due to some other reasons, but we were back together after a short period of time because we couldn't live without one another. But, during that time, I was hurt as hell, but I let myself loose to see good in other guys. Three guys were falling for me. My mind was so conflicted. I had some feelings for them too, but I know deep down I love my boyfriend, so I didn't give them any chances. Why am I always like this? It is so unfair for my boyfriend. I don't want to be like this , but I can't stop my messy head. I just want to release my thoughts. Keeping it to myself makes it hard on me. I would like to hear other people's stories too.

Ask the community | someone else, emotional affair

“My wife keeps texting her co-worker”

My wife recently took a new job. I will start off by saying she is very honest, loyal and has a history of being good friends with other men as well as women. I have never doubted her loyalty to me and continue to believe that she will be faithful. In addition, to be fair, I can be jealous at times (she never gets jealous) and have had moments of making something out of nothing on occasion. In her new job, she immediately became friends with a male co-worker who I know is mid-40s (she is 31). She insists it's nothing more than a friendship and that is her intention which is all that matters. They did end up out together one night for drinks after a few co-workers left and then a few days later he bought her an expensive bottle of wine which she told me about. I attempted to blow this off trusting my wife. The issue came up when I discovered texts from this man over the course of an evening until after midnight, including songs and videos he was sending her and a 30-minute phone conversation while I was out that evening. I then looked at her computer (I know I shouldn't have) and found that they were instant messaging each other all day at work. Nothing inappropriate but it wasn't all focused on work either. I confronted her after seeing this occur over several weeks - she insisted nothing was going on, he apologized the day after he texted and called her at night and that she had no bad intentions. Since then I assume they instant message each other during work and recently was at home and saw him text her at 10pm. I asked why he was texting her and she got pissed saying i didn't trust her. I trust my wife but I don't trust this other individual that I know sits next to her and works with her every day. She asked me what I want her to do - the problem is I want her to figure it out herself that she shouldn't respond to him after a certain time period. Am I wrong? I hate fighting with my wife and we see this very differently but I don't think I am wrong.

User article | trust, someone else

“His aspirations make me doubt him”

I feel my boyfriend is perfect for me. He loves me for who I am. He puts up with my antics. He is trustworthy. He is a great guy. But his aspirations make me doubt him. I have been with his for four years. I moved to another state to be with him. He lost his job and has been struggling to hold a job for the past four years we have been together. And even when he gets a great job interview something manages to blow it. The last job was because he failed to meet the deadline on a job questionnaire which was part of the hiring process. I can't be with someone who sets himself for failure. I, on the other hand, have been very successful. Our sex life is non-existent. I think it was after he lost his job that we haven't had sex so that about three years. I want to have sex with him but he doesn't pick up my signs. I do everything for him and support him 100%. Lately, I have been thinking of someone else. I have been tempted to tell that person how I feel but I can't stand the fact that I feel I'd be cheating. This guy is successful and I think I am attracted to him because of that. I don't think I want to be with the other guy. I don't see myself with him long term but the problems with my current boyfriend are pushing me away. What if my current boyfriend never becomes successful. If he would help me around more I think I would feel better but I do everything on top of being the breadwinner. I have told him I am stressed multiple times but I have to keep telling him for him to do anything. I am so confused I can't focus on anything. If I tell the other guy how I feel would it give me closure?

Ask the community | someone else, sex, sexless

“Am I cheating because I flirt?”

I have been with my S/O for almost three years now. I am so in love. I love him with all of my heart. He is perfect. He makes me feel perfect and special. He always knows how to make me feel better. But we are getting older now, and I just feel like I sometimes am in a different stage in my life. I sometimes feel more mature. I have threatened a breakup because I have these feelings that things aren’t going to change. He is going to be the same. He is going to still be this amazing and wonderful person but he has no head on his shoulders. He has a dream but is afraid to go for it. Or at least that's what it seems like. But I have been with him for so long that I just couldn’t imagine himself with anyone else. I know he has some family issues going on right now which is the root of most of his issues but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if things would be different. Which is why I feel like I am constantly searching for something new. But I don’t want it to be our relationship. I am heavily attracted to one of our close friends and I keep having these dreams of being with him and I feel so guilty. And sometimes I catch myself flirting with him, laying down and snuggling with him and constantly thinking about him. The way I used to think of my boyfriend. But the thing is i feel like I will never stop loving my boyfriend. I love him so incredibly much so I feel so guilty. I don’t know how to feel. Am I guilty of cheating in my head? Am I cheating because I flirt with my guy friend? Am I wrong for having these sorts of dreams? I have spoken to my boyfriend about my feelings and he does know about them. But sometimes I can’t help but feel like even though I felt great after that talk and I felt so much closer to him I still keep getting those feelings of my guy friend. I just don’t know what's right and wrong anymore.

Ask the community | someone else, flirting

“In a relationship but I have a crush”

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a little over a year. We have a lot in common and a lot of history. We did a lot together and are really close. He's very sweet and has an incredibly kind heart, and I did love him but he also has a ged and doesn't want to go to college whereas I want to be a pilot in the airforce. But now I'm in college and things feel different between us. At first he was a bit controlling and whiny. I would be busy and didn't always call or text back right away (and it's only been a few days). He's ready to come down and move in and start a life but. I don't know if I am, I don't know what I want. He's clingy and telling me that he would never date if I ever leave and everything. And now here's the thing... I met this guy on campus who is smart and fun and funny and even shows interest in me. He also shares a passion for flying. I just honestly don't what to do. I feel like of I have a boyfriend I shouldn't be feeling for someone else. And I also don't know if me and my boyfriend are in a healthy relationship. I want to do what's best for me in the long road. I don't want to end things with my boyfriend if we can make things work but I don't want to stick around if I'm not in a good relationship and he's not good for me. I don't want to leave someone for somebody else because that's not who I am. I honestly don't know what to do.

User article | crush, control

“The end of an affair”

Two years ago, I became great friends with someone I met through work. A year into our friendship, it became more and we started an affair. We are the same age, both married, and have been for over 25 years each. We both have children. For my part the intimacy in my marriage disappeared about nine years ago and although on the whole we get along I have missed the sex and have often felt sad and lonely. For years I tried to repair and discuss our issues but now I have lost the desire for my husband which I suppose lead to the affair. I can honestly say that I wasn't looking for anything outside of my marriage. I just shut down the feelings I had. When the affair began I confess to having very little guilt about sharing my body with someone new. Sex happened only a handful of times in the first six months and not at all from then on but I quickly fell in love. I never made any demands on him to leave his wife and family. I honestly would have continued happily as we were. However, for my lover, the guilt was to much and after 12 months I ended it as I couldn't bear to see his emotional struggle any longer. I'm struggling to cope with the loss of the relationship which is not helped by him wanting to stay friends. I now feel such a myriad of emotions – grief, loss, anger, jealousy and finally guilt. It took its time but there it is. However much I try to move on and forget him, I cannot seem to. The loss of my friend is such a physical pain that I sometimes feel I might curl up and die from it. I keep trying to look at the situation from outside with as rational a view as I can and whilst I know my faults and his it doesn't seem to take away the grief I feel. I haven't shared any of this with another living soul except for him which is why I'm on here I guess. I don't know what I'm looking for, possibly absolution or advice on how to move forward? Please be kind, I don't know if I could cope with outside hate, it's pretty tough from the inside already.

User article | someone else, emotional affair

“Struggling to get over being cheated on”

I have been with my boyfriend just over two years. It's been the best and happiest relationship i have ever had and we moved in together early May this year. It was the best our relationship had ever been (or so I thought) and he was talking about marriage, having a family, etc. This all came crashing down when I received a message whilst we were on a couples holiday from a girl telling me that she had slept with my boyfriend a week prior. Ever since this has happened I think I have felt every emotion in the book and it is so exhausting. I have tried having a ‘break’ from the relationship but just couldn’t do it. I feel so weak for not being able to leave and I don’t think I have fully come to terms with the fact that this person probably isn’t who i thought he was. It hasn’t helped that he lied about it for weeks until I confronted him with evidence. I don’t know whether the lies or the cheating hurt more. The woman he cheated with is gorgeous, a stripper and older than me. I feel completely inadequate. I can’t stop wondering what it is about me that led him to do that? Why did he lie so much? How could he jeopardise a relationship like ours? I feel so low and it's affecting my daily life. I can’t sleep properly and constantly have flashbacks. We are now three months on. I feel like I should be over this by now but I just can’t move on. I love him so much and feel like i don’t know my own identity without him and I just don’t know what to do. Any advice whatsoever would be so appreciated x

Ask the community | cheating, someone else