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“Crushing on someone while in a relationship”

The relationship I'm in right now has been going for nearly a year. We met through an online community about a year ago (haven't met yet and don't think we will for quite a while with the worldwide situation going on). We hung out through calls and through games but I didn't get to know him fully until last year.

As I got to know him, I started to slowly develop feelings for him and from there wanted to be more with him. He's the kind of person with a lot of self-hate for no reason. With games, education or life he beats himself down constantly. He'll slam tables during games and becomes overly toxic to himself on a daily basis. I'll tell him to look at an optimistic-realist outlook and that things will turn out okay, to give it time and that I'll be here. He'll take it for that time until the next month and it goes back to the same limbo.

It's hard for him to feel confident and positive about himself. His jealousy gets the best of him when nothing has occurred with anyone. I've had to put my foot down to tell him not to think of people who I consider family in that light. That he's the only one I have eyes for. It's repetitive. It feels like I have to defend myself from him thinking otherwise. It hurts. He's supportive on everything I do and wants me to push forward with my dreams and goals. He listens to everything I want to say and all the nothings too.

He wants to spend all the time in the world with me too. It's great but also difficult to say no to him during these times because I'm wanting alone time. To spend time with friends or be able to play a game without him looking at my status to see what I'm up to... I've spoken to him about all of this and it feels like it goes in one ear and out the other... I want to be encouraging and supportive. To be able to cheer him up when he's down and to have him realize his positives and look at the brighter side. I want him to trust me and to feel confident in himself (not because of our relationship) but also trust in our relationship and not mention if we should break up because he thinks I don't have feelings for him anymore... Sometimes it feels like I'm holding his hand and having to guide him like a kid.

A friend who I've known for a long time has popped back into my life. I ended up hurting him a few years back because of a crush we had on each other. I wasn't ready for it and called it off and he took the time away from social media as a whole to recollect himself. The final time he did this was when I told him that I'm dating my current boyfriend and he again took time away to recollect himself and I understand that.. Now this friend has come back into our friend group and into our lives.

All of us (including boyfriend) plus other friends have been hanging out, making jokes, being on the same platform and all while enjoying our time together. Especially after not seeing him for so long. I've noticed that during these times I see the difference in personality and character between the two... One is more confident and a realist on things but with a positive attitude. I see how much he's matured and how he strives for improvement.

I've been beating myself up about this for the past month and it hurts to even know that I'm having these thoughts. It hurts that there's even a thought about this friend while I'm dating my boyfriend and that I'm having feelings for this friend after I broke his heart once. It feels like I'm misunderstanding my feelings and maybe I'm just overly excited that he's back into my life again. I met him during a time where depression was hitting me more than ever and I was self harming. All of a sudden he brought me out of my shell and gave me that push that I needed.

He's my best friend. We've always had great laughs together and want the same achievements and goals in life. All of this is confusing to me and I'm unsure of how or what to think. I'm not even sure what to expect or feeling I apologize for the novel of a post. I'm just desperate to know if I'm misinterpreting some emotions or is it something I'm really feeling but don't know how to handle. Hope you guys are having an amazing day. Stay safe and healthy.

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