This article was written by Prof. Janet Reibstein, a psychologist and Professor in the School of Psychology at the University of Exeter. The views expressed in this article are not necessarily shared by Click or OnePlusOne.   Unsurprisingly, many couples argue about flirting and fancying others. You don’t start affairs without fancying. It’s a firmly held belief that partners should command each other’s sexual attention. But how far that ‘attention’ extends is not well defined; it's not always clear what constitutes an ‘affair’. When does fancying someone else or giving off sexual signals in a relationship even without physical contact, constitute danger or betrayal? But clamping down unnecessarily courts a different sort of disaster. I once was on a forum with a clergyman, who gamely confessed that women assumed that because he was a married vicar, that that meant he wasn’t sexually alive. When he flirted, they were shocked. Plaintively, he cried, ‘I may be a married vicar, but I still have eyes, and I’m not dead from the neck down! I’d never have an affair but these are two different things!’ It’s my reading – of both research and clinical data — that what seems at stake around flirting are two things: whether you are ‘enough’ to keep your partner and insecurity about the relationship’s future. We’re deluged with sensuality in our culture, reminding us that most are still alive from the neck down and most have eyes to see others - who are also sexual. So, that’s part of normal interactions. And if we like the person we’re talking to, and he or she also pleases our senses, that inescapably confirms our own sensuality. If we try to ignore this (the vicar would argue we can’t), it might mean we also ignore our basic sensuality. That affects our partnerships. In Esther Perel’s book, Mating in Captivity, she cites research showing that over time most couples get into a sexual rut, and argues that couples can redress this partly by making their sex lives conscious and deliberate. One way, she recommends, is to observe each other’s sensual effects on others: to give permission to flirt. As you do, you become aware of your own power to attract as well as your partner’s. It does mean we need to be alert to boundaries though. But what are acceptable ones? Boundaries make people secure. By establishing them, you make things explicit, agreeing what makes you secure, and why. Talking about boundaries clarifies why you’re scared, what sets it off, and why. You reassure each other, redefining activities that might have set off feelings of insecurity in the past but don’t have to any more. For instance, if your ex-boyfriend’s flirting led to infidelity, you are likely to feel threatened when your partner flirts. But if you are reassured of his fidelity to you and that he still finds you attractive you may find over time that ‘flirting’ needn’t mean ‘affair’. By being open, you also undermine the damaging role secrecy plays in flirting. Talking intimately about sensuality can also invite sensuality into the relationship. Talking to establish boundaries can reassure both of you that there’s nothing concealed, or to conceal. Flirting is undeniably dangerous: it can be heady and therefore lead to a wish for more. The implication of shared sexual desire for another does challenge a committed partnership and so as it grows there is usually a wish for concealment. But if you conceal or exclude your partner from your activities with others you might fancy, two things happen: firstly, you are signalling something suspicious is occurring and secondly you are defining your flirting as unacceptable to the partnership. When Perel suggests openly flirting she’s pointing to a couple talking honestly with each other, finding a way to bring into the relationship excitement that occurs outside it. That can’t happen with secrecy. That’s why talking and reaching common understandings is central to establishing boundaries. Central are the ‘meanings’ of flirting or fancying. If the meaning you give to your partner’s attraction to someone else is that they are less attracted to you — you’ll feel threatened. If the meaning you give to flirting is betrayal, trust in your partner and your future together will be undermined. But if, as the vicar suggests, fancying others means you’re sensually alive while still a faithful partner, you can feed sensual life back into your relationship.

I read a similar post to this tonight so it felt good to see other women are in the same position as me. I just feel like I need advice. I literally have no one to talk about this because, well, we all know how sick and wrong this is. Before I started to have 'feelings' for my brother-in-law he was just my obnoxious brother-in-law. The one with the crazy annoying girlfriend who wanted to wear a white dress to my wedding. My husband and I began dating two years before they did. We went to the same high school for a year and that's when i was close to my brother in law. It was always fun and giggles, just us three. My husband has always been close and over protective of him. After we left high school he started dating this girl and since i didn't see him as much we drifted apart. A year after our graduation my husband proposed and my brother in law was still dating this girl so i thought hey! I'm gunna get to know her and make her feel welcome into the family. That turned pretty ugly so soon. The closer i got to her i noticed her imitating my syle. It didnt bother me at first, i actually felt cool, hey she likes my style! But then her certain comments started tugging at me like oh you only did this because i did it or because i like it. And well that was soo not the case. I ignored it until the day she told she had bought her dress for my wedding. She sent me pictures and oh my god. It looked like a wedding dress. Naturally a bride-zilla would go off and say uhm hello no you dumb bitch its white wtf. But she got defensive said it was beige made a scene with the whole family and my bil hated me for almost 2 years. He wouldn't say hi to me at family events he would ignore me and actually he was just so rude to me all the time. I kinda grew a huge annoyance with them. I couldn't stand to look at them ever because as time kept going they just kept wanting to do everything my husband and i did and they loved to brag more about it on social media. After three years i was finally able to ignore them more easily and he actually had apologized in that time frame so hanging around them was alot easier. She no longer bothered me as much and still til this day doesnt bother me how much she tries to do everything like i do because believe me she does. I didnt hate my brother in law anymore and we got along the normal. Not too much like before but nothing at all compared to hate we kind of both felt. Just until recently we had a family trip.. its 4 brothers young enough for the four of them to hang out, ( my husband is the third of them so yes I'm talking about the younger brother) and the two older wives have became my bestest friends so this is why i cant tell them of all this agony i feel. Anyway, we went to vegas to celebrate my husband and the girlfriends bday. They land only two days apart. It was a three day trip and everything was fine, we drank we laughed we all seemed to get closer as a family. I didn't realize how happy it had made me to be close to my brother in law again until our last day of the trip. We spontaneously decided to go to universal studios and it was so much fun! Until the very end. My husband and my other brother in laws were at customer service trying to get some annual passes something like that and the rest of the girls were tired. I wanted to go to the harry potter shop and look around so i left by myself while they waited. When i was on my way back my brother in law was walking towards me alone and i didnt think too much of it so i asked him if he was going to buy something. He said no, he said he only came to see me. And of course i wasnt taking it seriously i thought he was making fun of me but at the moment he gave me a look he had never given me before so i kinda couldnt speak and just stood there stupid and by the time i arranged what had just happened we were too close to everyone to hear so nothing happened after that. The whole ride home i couldn't stop thinking about it. About why he said that he just wanted to see me. He had seen me all trip. I didn't understand. I wanted to shake it off of my head and i was able to forget for the next few weeks. But after that i kept seeing him and the he looked at me just wasn't the same anymore. Or maybe it was me feeling those things that made me think differently but i cant breathe when he looks at me that way and i always panic and look away. To make things worse, two weeks later we found out he had been having an affair with his girlfriends friend for seven months. And i forgot to mention they were already engaged in that seven month period. The girlfriend of course didn't cancel the wedding and he was forgiven. You would've thought if the idea of him being my brother in law would've grossed me out, this would've just ended it all for me! But nope. Here i am still with these terrible feelings. We've never touched more than a quick hello hug and kiss on the cheek and i crave his warmth so much. He never said anything else but that comment at universal studios again to me and i still miss talking to him. Were never alone anywhere and i always make up possiblities to try and make it possible but it never happens or i chicken out. I wish i didn't felt this way because i know that i could never forgive something like what he did. And my husband is so great. He is so close to his little brother too. But i just cant ever stop thinking if he feels the same way. Just to talk to him. To kiss him and tell him how i feel but i know that if i do ill wreck everything. Specially after what he did. I don't even know for certain if he feels this way or if he doesn't but its his gaze that keeps my hope alive but kills me slowly as well. Every song reminds me of him every love movie and i don't know why. The more i know i cant have him makes me want him even more and it kills me knowing how wrong it is. I want to forget him but hes so close with my husband and the whole family is super close its extremely hard to not think about him. What more could i do?

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a little over a year. We have a lot in common and a lot of history. We did a lot together and are really close. He's very sweet and has an incredibly kind heart, and I did love him but he also has a ged and doesn't want to go to college whereas I want to be a pilot in the airforce. But now I'm in college and things feel different between us. At first he was a bit controlling and whiny. I would be busy and didn't always call or text back right away (and it's only been a few days). He's ready to come down and move in and start a life but. I don't know if I am, I don't know what I want. He's clingy and telling me that he would never date if I ever leave and everything. And now here's the thing... I met this guy on campus who is smart and fun and funny and even shows interest in me. He also shares a passion for flying. I just honestly don't what to do. I feel like of I have a boyfriend I shouldn't be feeling for someone else. And I also don't know if me and my boyfriend are in a healthy relationship. I want to do what's best for me in the long road. I don't want to end things with my boyfriend if we can make things work but I don't want to stick around if I'm not in a good relationship and he's not good for me. I don't want to leave someone for somebody else because that's not who I am. I honestly don't know what to do.

I need some advice on the situation I'm currently in. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a month but talking for about six months. He is really nice and we get on really well. However, ever since this party I saw this other boy (let's call him Jake) who I have known for ages. Jake is kind of famous in our area for being extremely good looking and all-around the perfect boy. We previously talked and Jake is so nice, we almost got together last year but it never happened. Jake is so popular he can get any girl he wants and the fact he chose me makes me feel amazing. I can't stop thinking about him and he's always on my mind. I don't know what to do because Jake is also known as a bit of a player and I know I could get hurt by him. I want to pursue things with Jake but I don't want to break up with my boyfriend. He is lovely and (i know it sounds bad) very convenient at uni - he is friends with all the same people I am and lives close by. I would cause drama in my friendship group if we broke up and I wouldn't want to hurt him like that, it's also so close to Valentine's Day and some parts so I don't want it to be awkward. He has no idea I'm feeling like this about Jake and I don't want to end the amazing thing me and my boyfriend have over Jake (who would hurt me). However, I cant stop thinking about him and how amazing things would be. I could also see myself cheating if the situation arose and I feel so guilty. Should i break up with my boyfriend? if so when? should I wait until after Valentine's Day? Should I try and stop talking to Jake and focus on my boyfriend and give things between us a chance? Or should I follow my heart and tell Jake how I feel? Also what do I do if I break up with my boyfriend and Jake doesn't want me? Why can't I stop flirting with him, am I in love or is it only a crush that I will get over? Any help would be greatly appreciated, thanks so much!!!

Hey everyone, I have a boyfriend, we've been together for 1.5 years. I really love him, he's the first person that made me feel loved and accepted all my quirks. But to be honest I have a crush on someone else... We met in a bar, talked the whole evening. I noticed that he liked me, by the end of the evening he held my hand and that felt like a dream. He was very polite and didn't rush anything. One day he asked me if I wanted to grab drinks with his friends, i thought why not and got ready. We came to his friend's place opened some wine and started talking. There was a lot of laughing and just good vibes. His friends got up to smoke and left us on the couch. I don't know what came over me, but our eyes locked and we kissed... He grabbed me by my waist, we started making out it was unreal. The door opened and we quickly stopped, but I know that his friends knew everything. I mean they definitely noticed the hickeys on our necks. Somehow that felt right, but at the same time I knew that I love my boyfriend. A couple of days have passed and I still don't know what to do and how to act. My boyfriend is the best, yes he's not really my type if we're talking about looks, but we don't argue, we have a lot in common, but something just doesn't feel right. On the other hand with my crush I feel like I can do everything, he motivates me and he's just my type. I don't know whether to stay in a good, healthy relationship or risk everything but try and build something with a guy that seems perfect in every way. Please help me! At this moment every suggestion, every advice will help me a lot.

Hi. I was torn between making it work and personal struggles since I feel like I want to make my relationship work, because it is at a rough patch because of my struggles. Anyway, I’ve been in a relationship now for about 3,5 years. Everything is kind of great BUT. We are both in university, that makes working on our relationship harder. When we are together I love him, I want to cuddle and we have a great connection. We have things to talk about as well since we have similar upbringing. The bedroom department has been a little on the rocks lately, since my new contraceptive method. Nevertheless I feel it is not lacking, because I voiced my feelings, he understood and the total thing has been improving since then. This is the background, now to the actual problem. The situation I am about to describe has happened multiple times, I think around 5 times. When I am living in a different place for a moment or we are apart (by distance) and a new guy approaches me I turn to a complete moron. I talk to him consistently for a couple of days or weeks and I will develop a crush for him. Then, if I haven’t done it in a first place, when I will tell him that I have a boyfriend, the guy usually drifts apart. Nothing physical happens (okay with one guy we kissed and it felt super wrong), but I think I’m emotionally cheating. And at the time I feel so distant from my boyfriend that I am always thinking of leaving him. When the crush guy leaves, I always come back to my mind and realise that I want my boyfriend and it was just a crush. It’s easier if the crush is a new person, very bad if an ex. The last time, actually today, I met with an ex, that I still think is my soulmate, we had such a blast! When I am in this moment, I feel like the "new guy" is so great that I will leave my boyfriend. The boyfriend that has been nothing but good to me. And after that I feel so stupid. Because the other guy may be talking to multiple girls, but I am willing to leave my good longterm relationship. Why am I willing to leave it so quickly? I feel like a rush of emotions and adrenaline and like I don’t even care about my boyfriend. But I do! I really care for him, but I think at some point I will do something that I regret and cannot take back. And this pattern has repeated a couple of times as mentioned.

I met this boy first on social media. He and I belonged to the same college and same classes. I started to notice that we made eye contact very frequently and that he stares at me. One day as I was standing around him one of his friends teased him by calling my name . I heard it clearly. Slowly I realized I have feelings for him. I have also heard that he had break up with his girlfriend. Yesterday I when one of our mutual friend asked him who is his crush he took the name of some another girl Its so complicated.

Okay, let's start at the beginning. There was a guy – let's name him "Kevin". I have had a crush on Kevin since literally 1st grade (wrote about him in diary etc.). Kevin and I never really interacted much throughout school other than having some classes together. Let's also add in the fact that I was super skinny and had braces and pimples so therefore I was not seen as "popular" or "attractive" in high school. And Kevin was definitely attractive, at least to me, but he was 100% popular. However, Kevin never dated anyone through school (which I always thought was weird). Flash forward a year after high school. I had just broken up with a boyfriend of mine (we were together for three years) and I had a mutual friend of ours reach out to him and ask what he thought about if we went out together. He responded to say he was about to go back to college and didn't want to start anything. Which I get. Whatever. Never really gave much thought to it again, like, “Hey I tried, move on”. During the next year, I got more curves where a woman needs them I guess. I got my braces off, and I learned how to make up pretty decently and I have money to gets clothes I really wanted. So I started dating this guy – we will call him Luke. Luke was a little younger than me, he is super silly, and funny, and he’s pretty good looking. I still struggled getting in a relationship with him for some reason. I took me a long time to fall in love with him even after dating. Luke and I were dating and moved in together for about three months, then one day I was working my second job at the local gas station and Kevin came in to buy beer. I knew it was him but I didn’t really talk to him (I acted like I didn’t know him and just rung him out). Then, two days later I get a phone call from my friend saying Kevin reached out to her to try to get my number. She told him I was seeing someone. I didn’t think much of it until A WHOLE MONTH after when I get a random text message from Kevin asking how I am and if I was free this upcoming weekend. I let him know I was in a relationship (even though he already knew). I was confused with how he even got my number. Come to find out he had his uncle reach out to my mom for it. I was interested, I'm not gonna lie – my long term crush finally sees me and is interested. Middle school me would be screaming. But I'm 21 now, what the hell do I do with this? So, I decided to hang out with him at the park. We fished, we talked, and we laughed for hours. And then we left. No, I never cheated on Luke but I did feel guilty because I hid it. Kevin and I hung out again and we painted. He said he would try anything for me even if it was painting. So we spent hours on the lake painting and listening to music while laughing. He hugged me when we left. He went back to college after that. I kept hearing from his uncle that “Kevin wants to be with you.” “He finally decided he wants to be in a relationship and he chose you.” “He said he sees a future with you…”. But when I ask him what he wants he beats around the bush saying, “I would have to get to know you better” and “I don’t know, I'm a senior in college”. We didn’t talk too much after that. We check in but that’s about it. I'm still currently with Luke but I always think about Kevin and what we could have been in another world. He's back home and still not seeing anyone. Luke and my relationship is currently struggling and I don’t know if its because of me and I'm overreacting… Or if it's just not meant to be.

The relationship I'm in right now has been going for nearly a year. We met through an online community about a year ago (haven't met yet and don't think we will for quite a while with the worldwide situation going on). We hung out through calls and through games but I didn't get to know him fully until last year. As I got to know him, I started to slowly develop feelings for him and from there wanted to be more with him. He's the kind of person with a lot of self-hate for no reason. With games, education or life he beats himself down constantly. He'll slam tables during games and becomes overly toxic to himself on a daily basis. I'll tell him to look at an optimistic-realist outlook and that things will turn out okay, to give it time and that I'll be here. He'll take it for that time until the next month and it goes back to the same limbo. It's hard for him to feel confident and positive about himself. His jealousy gets the best of him when nothing has occurred with anyone. I've had to put my foot down to tell him not to think of people who I consider family in that light. That he's the only one I have eyes for. It's repetitive. It feels like I have to defend myself from him thinking otherwise. It hurts. He's supportive on everything I do and wants me to push forward with my dreams and goals. He listens to everything I want to say and all the nothings too. He wants to spend all the time in the world with me too. It's great but also difficult to say no to him during these times because I'm wanting alone time. To spend time with friends or be able to play a game without him looking at my status to see what I'm up to... I've spoken to him about all of this and it feels like it goes in one ear and out the other... I want to be encouraging and supportive. To be able to cheer him up when he's down and to have him realize his positives and look at the brighter side. I want him to trust me and to feel confident in himself (not because of our relationship) but also trust in our relationship and not mention if we should break up because he thinks I don't have feelings for him anymore... Sometimes it feels like I'm holding his hand and having to guide him like a kid. A friend who I've known for a long time has popped back into my life. I ended up hurting him a few years back because of a crush we had on each other. I wasn't ready for it and called it off and he took the time away from social media as a whole to recollect himself. The final time he did this was when I told him that I'm dating my current boyfriend and he again took time away to recollect himself and I understand that.. Now this friend has come back into our friend group and into our lives. All of us (including boyfriend) plus other friends have been hanging out, making jokes, being on the same platform and all while enjoying our time together. Especially after not seeing him for so long. I've noticed that during these times I see the difference in personality and character between the two... One is more confident and a realist on things but with a positive attitude. I see how much he's matured and how he strives for improvement. I've been beating myself up about this for the past month and it hurts to even know that I'm having these thoughts. It hurts that there's even a thought about this friend while I'm dating my boyfriend and that I'm having feelings for this friend after I broke his heart once. It feels like I'm misunderstanding my feelings and maybe I'm just overly excited that he's back into my life again. I met him during a time where depression was hitting me more than ever and I was self harming. All of a sudden he brought me out of my shell and gave me that push that I needed. He's my best friend. We've always had great laughs together and want the same achievements and goals in life. All of this is confusing to me and I'm unsure of how or what to think. I'm not even sure what to expect or feeling I apologize for the novel of a post. I'm just desperate to know if I'm misinterpreting some emotions or is it something I'm really feeling but don't know how to handle. Hope you guys are having an amazing day. Stay safe and healthy.

I’ve been stuck in a dilemma for a while and am seeking outside opinions because I have been driving myself insane. I’ve been in a seven-year relationship, we are high school sweethearts so this has been my first and only relationship. Until we hit the two-year mark our relationship was very very toxic - until he decided to cheat and once I found out he begged for forgiveness and became a different person all together helping us make it to where we are today. I was young, first relationship, so for me I’ve made my share of bad decisions by staying in that relationship but now it’s been so long that’s no longer a valid excuse. Fast forward to now, all these years I met tons of people but never let anyone catch my eye, I felt like I was madly in love, even after all these years we are both still crazy for each other (perfect right?) Out of the blue, I met someone who actually did grab my attention, very unexpected feelings and emotions - we are now friends, but I think we both share these feelings. I won’t act on any feelings, but I’m just confused. Why did this person grab my attention when to me I was truly happy? Is it wrong that a part of me has a curiosity of what could be since I’ve only known and been in one relationship? I know crushes are common after all we are human, but why am I so interested. There is so much more - but this sums up a little bit of what’s going on. Thank you.

A few months ago I ended a 5-year relationship with a guy who ended up cheating on me. We live and work in a small town, so pretty much everyone found out about the whole thing immediately. So I take a couple weeks off, come back to work and we've hired a new guy. Departments only about 15 people large, but I am a shift manager and have direct authority over the department. In other words, I am this guys immediate supervisor (you can see where this is going already I bet). Of course we start hanging out, because he's amazing and we have a ton in common. I started getting the feels less than a month knowing him, and excused it as being hurt from my previous relationship and wanting something new and fun. As time has gone on though, I realize it's more than just an infatuation. I really like this guy. Problem number #1 is of course, I'm his boss, and it most definitely is against company policy for us to date. Problem #2 is that I don't actually have confirmation he feels at all the same way. Everything in every 'is he into you' guide screams yes, but he's kind of socially awkward (another lovely trait we have in common) and absolutely won't make a move no matter what the situation. We flirt regularly, but it's casual, text 100+ times a day, and generally have that kind of high school pre-relationship relationship we all remember (not so fondly). I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know he isn't the type of guy to run to HR if I simply tell him I have a crush on him. The real fear there is screwing up the friendship we've begun to build. I like this guy enough to not want to lose him from my life, in any capacity. If he doesn't reciprocate, I don't want to make things weird between us. I feel like through my inaction though I have no chance of seeing if this could be a real thing. He knows I just went through a bad breakup, and part of me feels like he's just being super respectful by not pushing, but another part of me thinks he doesn't see us as anything but platonic and is awkward enough to not really get the signals he's sending. Halp me internet. What am I supposed to do?

I've been with my current partner for 13 years now and have moved in together. we got engaged last year. we've had a lot of ups and downs in our relationship and have had a lot of communication struggles due to our own past traumas. sometimes i feel like i love him and some days I struggle to feel love for him. We have spoken about me feeling unhappy and like something is missing in the relationship and this has been going on for a long time and I know I need to work on this possibly with a therapist but he tells me that I’m always unhappy and I’m always this and that and nothing gets resolved. I’ve always been the emotional one and he’s more on the unemotional side. We have worked hard to get to where we are to this point which I do feel proud and happy about. Other than that, he’s been very nice to me and does a lot but I still can’t help but find myself losing attraction for him but we both do couple things still. recently i started developing feelings for a friend out of the blue. ive known this friend for 15 years and our friendship has always been on and off. At one point, I remember being told by others that this friend really liked me but nothing ever happened between us. I did in the past have some feelings for this friend too but never acted on it and as time passed, I forgot about it and then met my current partner. But recently, after hanging out with this friend, I’ve lost all interest in my current partner and find myself thinking about what it’d be like if I were to be with this friend of mine and this doesn’t feel right. I realised this friend makes me feel heard, protected and emotionally understood. I did sometimes regret never taking the chance in the past to date this friend and learn more about how things would’ve been like back then. My partner and this guy’s personality is completely different from one another. I’m not sure if I should carry on staying with my partner as it’s the right thing to do and feels safe and I would lose everything that’s been built(sunk cost fallacy) and stop talking to this friend completely or if I should leave the relationship and go with this friend where I’m not sure if I’d feel happy with him as well anyways?

Hey everyone! I’m having doubts lately on how to deal with a situation that’s been stressing me out… Basically, I’ve known J for almost 2 years now, we’re friends and although there has always been mutual attraction, it was very lowkey until October, we were seeing each other all the time with our friends and that’s when I started noticing he was flirting and reaching out to me in a different way, like wanting to hang out with me without the others or even just focusing entirely on me when there were other people present. However, at the time he was actually seeing another girl, who by the way I was friends with last year before we drifted apart (luckily there was no drama there), and he obviously avoided to tell me until I found out on my own. I felt quite let down by his behavior, and although I stopped flirting back as soon as I found out about her, things between him and I were still tense all winter and I only really moved on when I met A, the guy I’m actually seeing, in February. Things went perfectly until a few weeks ago; I hadn’t seen J for a while and then when I saw him again I found out that he was breaking up with the other girl. Now he’s started approaching me again and I thought it wouldn’t affect me at all but the chemistry between us is really strong and although I know he’s not reliable I can’t help but feel drawn to him. I don’t want to leave A, I already told him that I’m not sure if I can give him a stable relationship and he is cool with that, but at the same time I’m afraid of telling him about J cause I can tell he’s really into me and he doesn’t have a lot of relationship experience in general, so I don’t want to hurt him… he’s probably the best person I’ve ever had by my side soooo I really don’t know what to do, I just have this feeling that I won’t be able to ignore J much longer and I really want to avoid making a mess where I end up hurting myself and the people I care for and ruining friendships and just in general generating drama!!! I hope someone can understand what I feel and maybe share a little piece of advice… I hate myself for falling into these stupid teenage drama traps

so i just finished highschool, never had any relationship nor had any crush but few months back i had a guy on this guy n now i like him so much, i haven't talked to him yed but i got to know that he just got into a relationship with the girl i hate. I feel so hurt, i like him so much? what to do, we have some mutuals n earlier decided to talk to him, should i talk to him. Idk what to do ,I'm so hurt:(