I am aware that a lot of questions on this site already revolve around what I’m going to talk about now, and that there doesn’t seem to be a lot of people left commenting but I have the strong urge to talk to someone about this and I don’t want to bother anyone in real life with it.
My boyfriend and I have only been dating for roughly a year but there already seems to be an issue in the bedroom – he’s my first serious boyfriend and we lost our virginity to one another. That being said, in the beginning we were (as to be expected) very ‘eager’ to do it, numerous times a day, multiple days a week all that good stuff. We had some issues concerning birth control (me going on the pill and having really extreme and bad reactions to it) and I ended up getting a copper IUD inserted because my body just seems to be very sensitive to hormones.
Since then, I haven’t been ‘in touch’ with my body – I’m a naturally very insecure person and suffer from a few mental disorders that make me very sensitive and anxious especially when it comes to my physical appearance. It’s been this way since the very beginning (because it’s a ‘me’ problem) i.e. not being able to do certain positions because I’m too insecure that you could see how fat I must look (even though I know that I’m actually pretty skinny after having lost a bunch of weight due to mental reasons), not being able to perform oral on him because I’m too scared of not doing a good enough job – the list goes on.
But since I had the IUD put in (or maybe not, I can’t remember too well honestly), I’ve grown more and more ashamed of my own body – the reason is that now, I produce a lot of ‘fluid’. No idea if it’s because of the IUD (I’ve heard women say that they experience excessive wetness after having that) but to me it seems like that’s the only logical explanation. It’s just too much. The worst part about it is that because of the excessive fluid, the friction gets less and less – I’ve done Kegel exercises, I’ve tried researching in every way I could (I’m 17 and was a virgin before him). I’ve started beating myself up about it so much to the point where the thought of sex isn’t fun anymore. It stresses me out.
This is also because he said something once, not in a mean-spirited way or to hurt me, but it was something along the lines of ‘…why aren’t you as tight as you used to be?’ He has never said it again, never purposefully made me feel bad about myself and he does always try to show me that he’s attracted to me and that I’m not an ugly piece of shit but that question has stuck with me.
Even though it’s been over half a year, even though he’s never mentioned it again, even though I explained to him that it was the excessive amount of lubrication my body was producing that made it feel like I was somehow ‘loose’ (or I really am haha fuck me) – it’s stuck in my head.
I deal with a lot of insecurity just because of the way I am and how I was treated previously, and now I feel absolutely sexually inadequate. I feel like I’m a disappointment as a woman because all a woman needs to be is sexually desirable and the perfect ‘fuck doll' or else she has no worth – and even though I know that not to be true and stupid it’s still so evident in our society and it only adds to me feeling worthless.
And now that his sex drive has also decreased over time (he started a business a few months ago so he naturally has less free time to spend on me which is something I can fully understand) it only adds to it.
I never initiate sex because of how insecure I am and how scared I am of being rejected (also it just turns me on more to be ‘submissive’ in the bedroom if anyone knows what I mean) and so it only happens if he’s in the mood.
We joke about me having a really high sex drive and wanting to go pretty much anytime of the day but deep down it really bugs me and makes me feel like I’m not right or dirty or not desirable enough since we’re always taught that men are supposed to be the ones to crave sex and women are supposed to be the gate keepers and only put out every once in a while.
I feel like it’s not normal that he doesn’t constantly want sex, and because it’s my first relationship I have no idea what other people are like. When we do have sex I get very bad performance anxiety at times and generally don’t enjoy it as much as I think I could (I’ve never had an orgasm when we had sex, only a full number of three times during our entire relationship when he performed oral on me which is something I normally don’t let him do because I’m too insecure and ashamed of my body), which is also why I think I would be able to go for round 7# or 10# or 65# - because I don’r really get fully satisfied.
I can also see that most of these problems are my own fault because 1) I don’t initiate 2) I never let him do oral in the past and now I don’t think he’d ever try again because I rejected him so often 3) I purposefully make it about him and his pleasure because I feel so uncomfortable and I just want to know that I pleased him, no matter what I feel.
We now have sex maybe once every two or three weeks which is way too little for me – it gets me to the brink of insanity honestly. We’re 17 for christ’s sake. I’ve reached a point where if he tries touching me I get extremely anxious and just want him to stop. I don’t find myself attractive and I constantly remind myself of how much better other women look, how their butts are way bigger, their boobs are plumper, their stomachs are flatter – the list goes on.
I feel like I’m doing something wrong, like I’m not desirable enough to make him want to have sex with me – at the same time, I usher his hand away when he touches me, because I’m too scared of him feeling or seeing any sort of imperfection and finding me disgusting for it. I’ve brought to his attention that I want to have more sex and how it makes me feel. He said he was sorry and that he’d try his best but that he’s got a lot to do because of his business and such which I totally understand. I still feel like he just plain and simple doesn’t find me hot. I feel like I’m not woman enough to please him (even though I know that’s stupid and sexist, it’s somehow ingrained in my head).
I don’t want to talk to my friends about it because I know for a fact that their problem is their boyfriends constantly wanting sex and them not being in the mood, which only makes me feel worse in comparison. I’m starting to refuse to have sex even though I want it to bad because I’m too scared of doing a bad job (there have been several really awkward situations which I guess is completely normal and he just laughed it off but that type of stuff haunts me forever).
I also don’t want to talk to him about this again because I don’t feel like he understands or deems it a big issue, especially since I have already talked to him about it and I can also acknowledge that I’m the problem, not him. I must seem like a total mess but since I don’t expect anyone to read or comment, I guess it’s okay to be honest.