This article was written by Prof. Janet Reibstein, a psychologist and Professor in the School of Psychology at the University of Exeter. The views expressed in this article are not necessarily shared by Click or OnePlusOne.   Unsurprisingly, many couples argue about flirting and fancying others. You don’t start affairs without fancying. It’s a firmly held belief that partners should command each other’s sexual attention. But how far that ‘attention’ extends is not well defined; it's not always clear what constitutes an ‘affair’. When does fancying someone else or giving off sexual signals in a relationship even without physical contact, constitute danger or betrayal? But clamping down unnecessarily courts a different sort of disaster. I once was on a forum with a clergyman, who gamely confessed that women assumed that because he was a married vicar, that that meant he wasn’t sexually alive. When he flirted, they were shocked. Plaintively, he cried, ‘I may be a married vicar, but I still have eyes, and I’m not dead from the neck down! I’d never have an affair but these are two different things!’ It’s my reading – of both research and clinical data — that what seems at stake around flirting are two things: whether you are ‘enough’ to keep your partner and insecurity about the relationship’s future. We’re deluged with sensuality in our culture, reminding us that most are still alive from the neck down and most have eyes to see others - who are also sexual. So, that’s part of normal interactions. And if we like the person we’re talking to, and he or she also pleases our senses, that inescapably confirms our own sensuality. If we try to ignore this (the vicar would argue we can’t), it might mean we also ignore our basic sensuality. That affects our partnerships. In Esther Perel’s book, Mating in Captivity, she cites research showing that over time most couples get into a sexual rut, and argues that couples can redress this partly by making their sex lives conscious and deliberate. One way, she recommends, is to observe each other’s sensual effects on others: to give permission to flirt. As you do, you become aware of your own power to attract as well as your partner’s. It does mean we need to be alert to boundaries though. But what are acceptable ones? Boundaries make people secure. By establishing them, you make things explicit, agreeing what makes you secure, and why. Talking about boundaries clarifies why you’re scared, what sets it off, and why. You reassure each other, redefining activities that might have set off feelings of insecurity in the past but don’t have to any more. For instance, if your ex-boyfriend’s flirting led to infidelity, you are likely to feel threatened when your partner flirts. But if you are reassured of his fidelity to you and that he still finds you attractive you may find over time that ‘flirting’ needn’t mean ‘affair’. By being open, you also undermine the damaging role secrecy plays in flirting. Talking intimately about sensuality can also invite sensuality into the relationship. Talking to establish boundaries can reassure both of you that there’s nothing concealed, or to conceal. Flirting is undeniably dangerous: it can be heady and therefore lead to a wish for more. The implication of shared sexual desire for another does challenge a committed partnership and so as it grows there is usually a wish for concealment. But if you conceal or exclude your partner from your activities with others you might fancy, two things happen: firstly, you are signalling something suspicious is occurring and secondly you are defining your flirting as unacceptable to the partnership. When Perel suggests openly flirting she’s pointing to a couple talking honestly with each other, finding a way to bring into the relationship excitement that occurs outside it. That can’t happen with secrecy. That’s why talking and reaching common understandings is central to establishing boundaries. Central are the ‘meanings’ of flirting or fancying. If the meaning you give to your partner’s attraction to someone else is that they are less attracted to you — you’ll feel threatened. If the meaning you give to flirting is betrayal, trust in your partner and your future together will be undermined. But if, as the vicar suggests, fancying others means you’re sensually alive while still a faithful partner, you can feed sensual life back into your relationship.

I have been with my S/O for almost three years now. I am so in love. I love him with all of my heart. He is perfect. He makes me feel perfect and special. He always knows how to make me feel better. But we are getting older now, and I just feel like I sometimes am in a different stage in my life. I sometimes feel more mature. I have threatened a breakup because I have these feelings that things aren’t going to change. He is going to be the same. He is going to still be this amazing and wonderful person but he has no head on his shoulders. He has a dream but is afraid to go for it. Or at least that's what it seems like. But I have been with him for so long that I just couldn’t imagine himself with anyone else. I know he has some family issues going on right now which is the root of most of his issues but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if things would be different. Which is why I feel like I am constantly searching for something new. But I don’t want it to be our relationship. I am heavily attracted to one of our close friends and I keep having these dreams of being with him and I feel so guilty. And sometimes I catch myself flirting with him, laying down and snuggling with him and constantly thinking about him. The way I used to think of my boyfriend. But the thing is i feel like I will never stop loving my boyfriend. I love him so incredibly much so I feel so guilty. I don’t know how to feel. Am I guilty of cheating in my head? Am I cheating because I flirt with my guy friend? Am I wrong for having these sorts of dreams? I have spoken to my boyfriend about my feelings and he does know about them. But sometimes I can’t help but feel like even though I felt great after that talk and I felt so much closer to him I still keep getting those feelings of my guy friend. I just don’t know what's right and wrong anymore.

About two years ago, I met this boy at a party. And we started talking right away, but it was short because I was going home shortly after that. So the next day, he added me on all social media and we started to talk a lot, we later than started to hangout one on one. I was 18 at the time and hanging out with a boy one on one was something I had never really done before (but i have had a lot experience with boys in the past so this wasnt my first). When we hung out we would make out and stuff and just hangout and one time i actually slept over his house. Summer was coming and i was graduating high school and i found myself to like him more than he liked me. I was always reaching out to him, he was never answering and i eventually got the point (I also didn't see him a whole lot because he lived in the town next to me but def enough). So I went off to college and the next summer rolls around. We ended up hanging out with friends one night and my friends wouldn't stop talking about how flirtatious he was with me, and he was like that all last summer every time we would hangout. And It wasn't like the previous year, we connected so much and would talk for hours, i have never connected to someone like i did with him. So last summer we hooked up a few times, and he invited me over to his NYC penthouse, but of course it never happened. So I went back to school in the fall, and he gets a girlfriend. So this summer comes and I just basically forgot about him because he has a girlfriend and was taking summer classes. So I saw him last weekend for the first time in 6 months and he was hugging me like crazy and kissing my neck. We talked outside for about 2 hours and he was actually telling me about his girlfriend and how great she is and of course i was encouraging it because i would never want him to get hurt. and he told me that he would never cheat on her but he wishes he was able to just kiss me right there. And i wasnt even tempted to kiss him as much as i just wanted to become best friends with him. Its to the point where if i cannot be with him. i would do anything to just be best friends with him and hangout with him. I know I'm only 20 and still young but I feel like i knew from the second i met this boy that he was someone special. And i don't know what to do now because I cant stop thinking about last weekend (and we do not text, snapchat or anything) and i just really do love him. Should I let it ago and hope that in a few years after college maybe we can be something?

I'm getting married soon to someone who has a twin sister, whose husband I get on well with. They have been married a couple of years. I go out with him now and again with some of his mates. A couple of months ago, when we were in a club, after we'd been drinking most of the day, I noticed he'd taken his wedding ring off. This is a replacement wedding ring after he'd lost his original one, again on a night out, though he'd passed it off as not being sure what had happened to it. I'm thinking of having a man-to-man talk with him this weekend, to tell him A) that I wouldn't be happy having this on my conscience if this were to happen again when I am married to his wife's sister, and B) to consider trying to break the habit of taking it off when out. The four of us are very close. I'm sure he wouldn't go any further but know that his wife would be upset if she knew this was happening. Am I doing the right thing?

My wife recently took a new job. I will start off by saying she is very honest, loyal and has a history of being good friends with other men as well as women. I have never doubted her loyalty to me and continue to believe that she will be faithful. In addition, to be fair, I can be jealous at times (she never gets jealous) and have had moments of making something out of nothing on occasion. In her new job, she immediately became friends with a male co-worker who I know is mid-40s (she is 31). She insists it's nothing more than a friendship and that is her intention which is all that matters. They did end up out together one night for drinks after a few co-workers left and then a few days later he bought her an expensive bottle of wine which she told me about. I attempted to blow this off trusting my wife. The issue came up when I discovered texts from this man over the course of an evening until after midnight, including songs and videos he was sending her and a 30-minute phone conversation while I was out that evening. I then looked at her computer (I know I shouldn't have) and found that they were instant messaging each other all day at work. Nothing inappropriate but it wasn't all focused on work either. I confronted her after seeing this occur over several weeks - she insisted nothing was going on, he apologized the day after he texted and called her at night and that she had no bad intentions. Since then I assume they instant message each other during work and recently was at home and saw him text her at 10pm. I asked why he was texting her and she got pissed saying i didn't trust her. I trust my wife but I don't trust this other individual that I know sits next to her and works with her every day. She asked me what I want her to do - the problem is I want her to figure it out herself that she shouldn't respond to him after a certain time period. Am I wrong? I hate fighting with my wife and we see this very differently but I don't think I am wrong.

Sorry, it’s long! I am 37, separated with no kids and my boyfriend is 31, separated, with two kids from his ex-wife and his first born from a relation he had prior to meeting his ex-wife. We started dating nine months ago… First two weeks were like a fairy tale then he had to leave for work (he works offshore on four weeks rotation). We kept in contact when he was away, and video called each other every day. He came back and we went for a short holiday together, it was when he said I love you first (after just seven weeks). We seemed to be so intertwined with each other. We gave a lot of attention to each other, missed each other etc… It was such a lovely period where we were both falling in love with each other like crazy. He seemed very happy and according to him, the happiest he’s been as he finally found an understanding, beautiful woman who he can be open with. Before we met, after he separated from his wife (he separated seven months before he actually met me, and it was from her side, she stopped loving him, and he was totally devastated) he started going out with his sister (40) and her best friend (48) who is also a family friend. This woman and my bf had built a certain bond between them and they became ‘special friends’. I knew about her and the first time I actually met her during a family wedding, two months into dating, I immediately felt/realised she liked him from the way she greeted me, which was a ‘hi’ and she turned away. When I asked him about it he said that she does have a soft spot for him, but they are just friends. I accepted it and It stopped there. I never told him not to message her or anything… she was just a female friend and he seemed to be head over heals in love with me. Roll on five months from the beginning of our relationship and he went for a guys’ night out with his boy-friends. At a point, in the beginning of the night, he sent me a selfie of him with his two boy-friends, on a table at this particular lounge/restaurant drinking Rose wine. The following day I asked him how the night has been and he briefly explained the night; at a point just mentioned they bumped into his sister and her friend. Five days later I see a picture on FB of his sister with her friend, dining at the same place as him, having rose wine as well, possibly on the same table. I asked him about it and there is where all the lies came coming out. At first he told me they bumped into them and decided to dine with them and later he said that he found out last minute his sister was going out to the same place so decided to join them. (1. please note that this is a busy restaurant and it’s not easy to go and get a table for 5 without reservation, 2. If he had planned to have a guys’ night out, I don’t think it’s on for him to do last minute changes and meet his girl-friends together with his mates) Then, even the details of the night were getting different from what he had briefly explained. I couldn’t believe him and was thinking that he deliberately hid from me since there was this ‘special’ friend of his. He kept on insisting that they are just friends and nothing ever happened between them. Two weeks later he ‘confessed’ after I told him to tell me the truth, that they had agreed upon this night only a day before and he did not tell me because 1. I had other plans anyway, 2. They were planning to go clubbing (just the boys) after they’re done from this lounge. I decided to believe him but my instinct knew there was something I don’t know. When I asked why he didn’t tell me immediately that they met them and dined on the same table and he even sent a picture misleading me, he told me that his ex-wife was very jealous and not understanding and he would hide to her in order not to create any arguments. So, his first reaction was that of hiding, even though there was nothing. After that night, I met this woman twice. First time during a family picnic where she tried to make a fool out of me, being rude to me and ignoring me etc etc.. I spoke to him about it and he got the excuse that she’s like that with everyone especially until she gets to know a person. Then I met her again on his mum’s birthday dinner, we were only five of us on a table and again she totally shut me out. Especially since these incidents happened, I wasn’t happy, I was getting more and more anxious, feeling that there is/was something I really need to know. I asked him to tell me what there is/was between them several times and he always insisted there’s nothing but they’re just good friends. At one point he told me she finds him very hot, another time he told me that they had mutually agreed that they cannot possibly be with each other, at other times he tells me that he isn’t even attracted to her. I couldn’t believe him, I was hearing too many contradictions and lies. For the past 3 months, whenever her name comes up, I used to ask him about her, hear ‘lies’ and get anxious. He couldn’t keep up with my anxiety because it was because of him. He was telling me that there is nothing else that I don’t know and to please stop talking about her as there really is nothing, that this is getting out of hand and that he had nothing else to say or do about her to reassure me. I tried to shut up as much as I could, even though my anxiety was killing me. I wasn’t trusting him. I didn’t want to push him away, nagging about the same thing, but then I couldn’t hold it any longer. Last week I was really anxious and after a conversation about her, I asked him to show me her chats! At first he did not want to, he told me that if he does so, he’s going to resent me, then he told me that by doing so he would go down the same road he was with his wife, and finally he told me ‘ok, I’ll show them to you, but not now, when you are calm because now you will interpret everything wrong.’ He then tried using his mobile, telling me that he’s just scrolling and didn’t want me near him. I knew he was trying to delete messages… At a point I snatched it from his hand and I found out very playful conversations, not every day, but with sexual innuendos. He sent him her selfies and he sent her his pictures including shirtless pics with his abs showing. He told her stuff like, ‘sexy and a naughty devil’s icon’ after one of the selfies. Or once she said something after he sent her a shirtless pics and then he went ‘and I haven’t even touched you’. Or she sends him ‘missing you’ or ‘thinking of you’ or she sends him loads of hearts and kisses and stuff. These mainly happened during the first 3 months of us together. One day, two months into our dating, she texted him in the morning ‘thanks for the surprise’ to which he answered ‘that was my plan, dear. I just landed in…. ’ He was on his way to work and I had just dropped him off at the airport and he had just left me a loving card on my bedside table before he left – when I asked him about it, he couldn’t even remember what the surprise was. It was also very clear there were some messages deleted but he kept on denying this. They also had a video chat on one particular night, when he was off-shore and he was feeling down. I also found out on the messages that they had agreed on that night out, a good 3 weeks in advance! I was mad and furious… I grabbed my bags and left! To be fair, these messages had stopped 3-4 months ago, when this thing of his night out happened and I was suspecting there’s something. Since then, there were only a couple of normal messages (one liners with no hearts and kisses). He is now trying to explain that there was absolutely nothing between them and that is just the way they talk and joke with each other. He told me that he had stopped everything the minute he thought he was going to lose me and he never told me the whole truth because he didn’t want to hurt me or lose me. He was afraid to tell me to go out with them because he knew how she is and wanted us (me and her) to get to know each other before we all go out together. He’s begging me to stay, telling me that he never cheated on me and that he loves me. That he never meant to hurt me and that he’s utterly sorry for what happened and for how he made me feel. He is not eating and sleeping. I told him I need to move on but deep down I don’t know what I should do. What is worrying me the most, is not the kind of relationship they had, even though those were not appropriate messages at all, but the fact that no matter how many times I asked him, no matter how bad with anxiety he used to see me, he never came clean about her. He lied and lied and was never vulnerable enough to come clean. If he did, I would have probably been mad for a short while, tried to understand and appreciate the fact that he’s owning up to his mistakes and perhaps I could see a real man in front of me. But now all I’m seeing is someone who was hiding from me and lying to me! These last three months, he stayed home because the company stopped all contracts and will resume work again in a month. He spent ALL evenings with me, including weekends – it was his decision not to go out with friends at night. We used to sleep together every night, either at his house or at my house. Sometimes he also drove me to work. We were inseparable. We loved being with each other. We did everything together. When he had his kids, once a week, we used to take all 3 of them out to nice places and spaces suitable for them, I loved them and they loved me. He loved that fact and told me plenty of times that I’m much of a better parent then their own mothers. He mentioned several times that he had never received such love and care from his gf and her family. Even though I was trying to build my trust back in him after that incident, I loved him with all my heart and so did my family. Our sex was great and he seemed very happy with me. He used the flaunt me with everyone and tell them I’m the apple of his eye. He told me that I’m now his life and that he won’t live without me. I am now so confused! What shall I do? Shall I forget and go back with him or shall I just move on? He promised me he wouldn’t talk to her anymore, even if it means he opt out of family do’s, because of her. But I’m scared. I’m scared he’d lie to me again if something else is to happen – not just with this woman. Also, I’m thinking that if there really was nothing, what he was doing was to get attention from another woman, which I don’t like, especially considering it was done during the first months, when we were falling in love with each other and when he was telling me the most beautiful of words. I think this is a huge sign of immaturity or that he’s a perv. I’m so confused… I don't think I should consider going back with him. Will I be able to ever trust him again??

I read a similar post to this tonight so it felt good to see other women are in the same position as me. I just feel like I need advice. I literally have no one to talk about this because, well, we all know how sick and wrong this is. Before I started to have 'feelings' for my brother-in-law he was just my obnoxious brother-in-law. The one with the crazy annoying girlfriend who wanted to wear a white dress to my wedding. My husband and I began dating two years before they did. We went to the same high school for a year and that's when i was close to my brother in law. It was always fun and giggles, just us three. My husband has always been close and over protective of him. After we left high school he started dating this girl and since i didn't see him as much we drifted apart. A year after our graduation my husband proposed and my brother in law was still dating this girl so i thought hey! I'm gunna get to know her and make her feel welcome into the family. That turned pretty ugly so soon. The closer i got to her i noticed her imitating my syle. It didnt bother me at first, i actually felt cool, hey she likes my style! But then her certain comments started tugging at me like oh you only did this because i did it or because i like it. And well that was soo not the case. I ignored it until the day she told she had bought her dress for my wedding. She sent me pictures and oh my god. It looked like a wedding dress. Naturally a bride-zilla would go off and say uhm hello no you dumb bitch its white wtf. But she got defensive said it was beige made a scene with the whole family and my bil hated me for almost 2 years. He wouldn't say hi to me at family events he would ignore me and actually he was just so rude to me all the time. I kinda grew a huge annoyance with them. I couldn't stand to look at them ever because as time kept going they just kept wanting to do everything my husband and i did and they loved to brag more about it on social media. After three years i was finally able to ignore them more easily and he actually had apologized in that time frame so hanging around them was alot easier. She no longer bothered me as much and still til this day doesnt bother me how much she tries to do everything like i do because believe me she does. I didnt hate my brother in law anymore and we got along the normal. Not too much like before but nothing at all compared to hate we kind of both felt. Just until recently we had a family trip.. its 4 brothers young enough for the four of them to hang out, ( my husband is the third of them so yes I'm talking about the younger brother) and the two older wives have became my bestest friends so this is why i cant tell them of all this agony i feel. Anyway, we went to vegas to celebrate my husband and the girlfriends bday. They land only two days apart. It was a three day trip and everything was fine, we drank we laughed we all seemed to get closer as a family. I didn't realize how happy it had made me to be close to my brother in law again until our last day of the trip. We spontaneously decided to go to universal studios and it was so much fun! Until the very end. My husband and my other brother in laws were at customer service trying to get some annual passes something like that and the rest of the girls were tired. I wanted to go to the harry potter shop and look around so i left by myself while they waited. When i was on my way back my brother in law was walking towards me alone and i didnt think too much of it so i asked him if he was going to buy something. He said no, he said he only came to see me. And of course i wasnt taking it seriously i thought he was making fun of me but at the moment he gave me a look he had never given me before so i kinda couldnt speak and just stood there stupid and by the time i arranged what had just happened we were too close to everyone to hear so nothing happened after that. The whole ride home i couldn't stop thinking about it. About why he said that he just wanted to see me. He had seen me all trip. I didn't understand. I wanted to shake it off of my head and i was able to forget for the next few weeks. But after that i kept seeing him and the he looked at me just wasn't the same anymore. Or maybe it was me feeling those things that made me think differently but i cant breathe when he looks at me that way and i always panic and look away. To make things worse, two weeks later we found out he had been having an affair with his girlfriends friend for seven months. And i forgot to mention they were already engaged in that seven month period. The girlfriend of course didn't cancel the wedding and he was forgiven. You would've thought if the idea of him being my brother in law would've grossed me out, this would've just ended it all for me! But nope. Here i am still with these terrible feelings. We've never touched more than a quick hello hug and kiss on the cheek and i crave his warmth so much. He never said anything else but that comment at universal studios again to me and i still miss talking to him. Were never alone anywhere and i always make up possiblities to try and make it possible but it never happens or i chicken out. I wish i didn't felt this way because i know that i could never forgive something like what he did. And my husband is so great. He is so close to his little brother too. But i just cant ever stop thinking if he feels the same way. Just to talk to him. To kiss him and tell him how i feel but i know that if i do ill wreck everything. Specially after what he did. I don't even know for certain if he feels this way or if he doesn't but its his gaze that keeps my hope alive but kills me slowly as well. Every song reminds me of him every love movie and i don't know why. The more i know i cant have him makes me want him even more and it kills me knowing how wrong it is. I want to forget him but hes so close with my husband and the whole family is super close its extremely hard to not think about him. What more could i do?

Two years ago, I became great friends with someone I met through work. A year into our friendship, it became more and we started an affair. We are the same age, both married, and have been for over 25 years each. We both have children. For my part the intimacy in my marriage disappeared about nine years ago and although on the whole we get along I have missed the sex and have often felt sad and lonely. For years I tried to repair and discuss our issues but now I have lost the desire for my husband which I suppose lead to the affair. I can honestly say that I wasn't looking for anything outside of my marriage. I just shut down the feelings I had. When the affair began I confess to having very little guilt about sharing my body with someone new. Sex happened only a handful of times in the first six months and not at all from then on but I quickly fell in love. I never made any demands on him to leave his wife and family. I honestly would have continued happily as we were. However, for my lover, the guilt was to much and after 12 months I ended it as I couldn't bear to see his emotional struggle any longer. I'm struggling to cope with the loss of the relationship which is not helped by him wanting to stay friends. I now feel such a myriad of emotions – grief, loss, anger, jealousy and finally guilt. It took its time but there it is. However much I try to move on and forget him, I cannot seem to. The loss of my friend is such a physical pain that I sometimes feel I might curl up and die from it. I keep trying to look at the situation from outside with as rational a view as I can and whilst I know my faults and his it doesn't seem to take away the grief I feel. I haven't shared any of this with another living soul except for him which is why I'm on here I guess. I don't know what I'm looking for, possibly absolution or advice on how to move forward? Please be kind, I don't know if I could cope with outside hate, it's pretty tough from the inside already.

I have been with my boyfriend just over two years. It's been the best and happiest relationship i have ever had and we moved in together early May this year. It was the best our relationship had ever been (or so I thought) and he was talking about marriage, having a family, etc. This all came crashing down when I received a message whilst we were on a couples holiday from a girl telling me that she had slept with my boyfriend a week prior. Ever since this has happened I think I have felt every emotion in the book and it is so exhausting. I have tried having a ‘break’ from the relationship but just couldn’t do it. I feel so weak for not being able to leave and I don’t think I have fully come to terms with the fact that this person probably isn’t who i thought he was. It hasn’t helped that he lied about it for weeks until I confronted him with evidence. I don’t know whether the lies or the cheating hurt more. The woman he cheated with is gorgeous, a stripper and older than me. I feel completely inadequate. I can’t stop wondering what it is about me that led him to do that? Why did he lie so much? How could he jeopardise a relationship like ours? I feel so low and it's affecting my daily life. I can’t sleep properly and constantly have flashbacks. We are now three months on. I feel like I should be over this by now but I just can’t move on. I love him so much and feel like i don’t know my own identity without him and I just don’t know what to do. Any advice whatsoever would be so appreciated x