(Married to my husband for about 16yrs, I've been with him for 15yrs)

I just can't shake that I am in love with his brother and I know he is in love with me too.

Let me start by saying. I wrote a post with this title before and since I have been inactive, it seemed to have disappeared. So I will write again with more that has happened over time and with a lot more detail. The only way I believe anyone will understand is if I tell what happened from the beginning to what's going on currently. This is my emotional story....

So before I met my husband and his brother, we both lived in the same neighborhood. Across the street from each other. I lived in the neighborhood longer and they moved into the neighborhood afterwards. They used to play basketball a lot. I used to go to the courts to watch the guys play basketball(that's just the sport I liked to watch), over a course of about a month, I was observing my husband at the time before we officially met. I just kept thinking how cute he was and I was really nervous to talk to him, so I never really made a move(That part comes later).

Next my husband's brother walked up to me and he was really showing that he was interested in me(I did not know that they were brothers during this time, but I found out later on). We talked about a lot about different things, like basketball, but mainly about his daughter and the situation he was going through with his daughter's mom. He was really attractive, but he told me his age and showed me a picture of his daughter. I wasn't ready to be part of someone's life that already had a child because I was only 15yrs old at the time, plus he was 20yrs old at the time too and I knew my Mom would have a heart attack. Mind you I was really mature for my age though, so I carried myself like I was grown already. He had asked for my number after our conversation and I just told him, "No, I don't have a phone", (even though I did). I just made up an excuse because I did not want to hurt his feelings(I made my decision knowing the connection we had already). We didn't really talk too much after that, but I always knew he was still interested in me.

So now a couple of weeks later I find out that they were both brothers when I met my husband during my 16th birthday. He(my husband) just showed up randomly, uninvited. I just let him join the party anyway. We talked for hours that night after the party and 3 days afterwards we finally decided to start dating. (Both brothers were obviously interested in me at the same time) I really didn't think anything of it, but it felt weird to be with my husband a little because when I would go to his house and during other house parties etc, I would always catch his brother staring at me. We even went out on double dates and his brother has always looked at me with that attraction gaze for the longest no matter who he was with. My husband and I were good at first, until I started to see a side to him that made me wish I never dated him in the first place. He was really mean, controlling and occasionally violent(If it wasn't towards me, it was towards objects).

Here is where it all begins between both of them. Every time my husband was violent and mean to me, his brother was always coming to my rescue and stepping in. He defended me and made me feel safe when he was around. He has always been my protector when it comes to his brother. This is not easy for me to admit, but my husband had thrown me, when he was angry, and I hit my head on the ground and I just laid there because my head was really spinning. His brother ran up to me and he moved my hair out of my face and was really worried about me. He comforted me. He asked me multiple times, "Are you okay?" He held me and then got in his brother's face to fight him and then ran back to me to help me. I felt so helpless during this time and I really felt like my husband did not care for me at all and his brother did.

There are a few other times that my husband was cruel and his brother has always been there in the middle of it. I don't want to go into all of the painful moments of my history, but mentioning at least one major thing can give a clear picture behind part of why I feel the way I do for my husband's brother. Over time my husband's brother has always randomly checked on me and has always given me the love gaze(you know what I am talking about if you've seen it). It has never changed. If any change has happened, it's the strength of the bond between my husband's brother and I. I feel it and I know he feels it too(It's all in the energy when we get around each other). I've always wanted to tell him how I've felt for him over time, but I was not courageous. I was afraid my husband would be really violent towards me. Plus I asked myself, "How could I feel this way about my husband's brother?". I thought to myself, "Maybe it's a feeling that will go away over time, so I just left what I was feeling inside alone", and I just kept it to myself for a really long time until I finally decided to tell him that "I care" for him. There are sooo many important moments of my life that have to do with my husband's brother, like even things and situations that my husband wouldn't notice, but his brother always did(Example: I was really sick and depressed during a long period of time and his brother would always call to check on me, he was even married during this time and was still showing that he cares for me anyway. My husband didn't even notice that I was sick and depressed.). During a large portion of my life I had no body that actually took the initiative to show that they care for me like my husband's brother. He always told me positive things like, "You deserve better", "You don't deserve to be treated the way my brother treats you. "Why do you stay with him?"

Here is the part and the reason I finally decided to tell him(Husband's brother) that "I care". My husband's oldest brother passed away(my husband has 3 brothers total). The brother that I am in love with is the 2nd oldest. After the oldest brother passed away, which was years later. I started to see life in a different way and I didn't want to take my husband's brother for granted because we are not promised tomorrow.

I felt like I couldn't live with myself if something happened to him and he didn't know that I cared for him at least, so I texted him saying, "I really need to talk to you about something important." I didn't know he was going to call me, but he did. He wanted to know if everything was okay with me, and asked if his brother was okay. I mentioned to him that everything is fine with his brother, but I needed to talk with him about something. I asked if we could meet up in person to have a face to face chat(I am not the kind of person that likes to give this kind news over the phone). He just asked me why and I just said that I wanted to talk with him, but what I had to say deserved a face to face instead of over the phone (I really wanted to see his facial expressions after I told him). He asked what it was about and I just said, "feelings"(by this time I was soooo nervous I was about to just hang up). He asked me if I wanted/needed him to leave work and come over. I decided to tell him, "No, there's no need for that" and then I told him, "Nevermind, forget about it." His response was, "No tell me" , "Please tell me", "Come on, please"(In a charming, sweet tone of voice).

I gave in and just decided to ask him, "Do you have feelings for me?" He just said, "nooooooo" (With an uncertain tone of voice) and asked me, "Why?". I then told him specific situations and behaviors that indicated that he cared for me. He didn't say anything back after. He seemed more in shock because of what I noticed about his behavior. I then decided to tell him that I care for him. He asked me if it was because of his brother and asked me, "What did my brother do now?" I just told him, "No, I've always cared about you." "Your brother didn't do anything to make me feel the way I do." (Yes, my husband's brother's protective nature got me to start caring, but that's not the only thing I've noticed over time. I fell in love because he is a very compassionate and caring person, and I always felt like we knew each other when we talked. We have that connection. I love him for who he is.)

He just asked me after, "Why did you wait until now to tell me this?" He didn't let me answer the question and then he said, "I wish you would have told me this before I met my wife, then things would be different". I asked him, "How would things be different?" He didn't respond to the question(The response would have been obvious anyway though. I didn't really need to ask him that question). He was happy that I told him that I cared for him and he thanked me for my honesty. His tone of voice then changed like he was disappointed that I waited to tell him that I care for him, because then he said, "I really wish you told me this sooner."

He then proceeded to tell me that I am very pretty(because he just wanted to let me know he was attracted to me) and then said, "Since we are being honest with each other, I was always jealous of how much you fought for my brother and I never had anyone fight like that for me before and that is what I envied/wanted you for." He also said, "I admire you." I was very surprised at his response, but then it confirmed everything that I thought he was feeling over time even though he did say, "noooo", in the beginning of the phone call. I just thanked him for noticing what I went through with his brother and it made me feel like I was not alone. We both were a little quiet afterwards, but because he was at work, he then told me that it was nice talking with me, but he has to go before his boss was going to "chew his ass"(We talked for almost an hour, which was actually supposed to be his 15min break).

I asked him if we can continue talking the next day and he said, "yes." (Note-Our conversation was also about other things like his family etc, but I don't think those details are relevant to mention, but we were opening up to each other. I always felt he understood me. We understand each other well, but the next day is a bit hard for me to put together to understand) **Over time there has been confirmation and I've just been gathering pieces and putting them together like a puzzle. I already figured my husband's brother out.

Now for the next day. I texted him, "Good morning"(Just to be nice) and that is when things took the turn for the worst. He decided to tell the family what I said to him, leaving out everything that he said and felt to me. I am not certain why he decided to do that, but my husband seems to think it's because his wife found out and made him tell the family(It's possible, but I'm not certain). Even though he decided to throw me under the bus, he still gives me that love gaze all the time when our eyes meet each other. He gets really mad when I am anywhere near my husband etc. I wanted to just continue working things out with my husband, but over time my husband's brother seems to be getting angry at the fact that my husband and I are together still. It's just getting worse.

My husband's brother called my husband and decided to tell him that I have a "crush" on him etc. I have already tried to mend the situation with my husband's brother, but he doesn't want me to message him anymore. He would rather we speak in person, but when he made that decision I was pretty mad at him for what he had done and I didn't want to talk to him for a while afterwards. I just ignored him, but his behavior started to get worse after that. I felt tension building up between like it's going to explode.

My husband and I have spoken and he knows the truth of the entire conversation his brother and I had. My husband also knows that I am in love with his brother, but his brother does not know that I am in love with him. I only told my husband's brother that I care for him, nothing more, but to be honest he probably could tell in my eyes how I feel about him without the need for me to tell him. My marriage is pretty much just about done because of my husband's brother and the way that I feel, but I also found out my husband is in love with someone else.

This is all just a messed up situation, but without a doubt I know that my husband's brother is in love with me, but he keeps dissimulating because of the obvious judgement that he would get if the truth came out. The energy between my husband's brother and I is getting more intense over time instead of a typical situation where time usually heals. My husband seems to believe that his brother does love me because he knows his brother's behavior when he is in love. My husband also believes that his brother has been trying to break us up for a long time based on situations behind the scenes that he told me about.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. My husband is distant and is being indecisive about us(I understand why though), but I feel the same too. We both just drifted apart after everything. It's a painful mess and I feel completely torn. I hated myself for caring about my husband's brother, I hated myself for feeling the way I do and I've tried sooo hard to hate him(my husband's brother), but I can't. My husband's brother knew my worth before I did( I know my worth now of course). I've come to terms over the years that the way I feel will NEVER go away no matter how hard I try. I'm human and I'm not perfect, but this situation really hurts... ...to be continued