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With more relationships starting online than ever before, we looked at the factors that can make the difference between a false start and a long-term future. Developing relationships In the early stages, online daters tend to spend longer deliberating over their choices. Online relationships can therefore take longer to develop than those starting offline [1]. One reason for this is that online dating can give us the impression that there is an endless supply of potential matches. If you’re not sure about a relationship, you have a couple of choices – you can either pursue it and see how it goes, or you can end it and start looking for the next one. If you’re confident you can find another match online fairly quickly, ending the current one might feel like the easiest option [1]. The marketplace approach if you’re not quite ready for a long-term commitment or if you don’t yet know what you’re looking for, you might approach online dating sites as a kind of marketplace. Online daters using this approach tend to make quickfire assessments of a person’s potential as a romantic partner, turning the dating process into an exchange where potential partners are seen as commodities to be selected from a choice of many. And, when there’s a choice, it feels easier to exchange one partner for another – so we go shopping again [2]. This approach might mean you get to meet a lot of people, but it won’t necessarily lead to a successful long-term relationship. Relationships usually work best when two people respond to each other’s needs, rather than weighing up the costs and benefits as they go [2]. The long-term approach On the other hand, if you are specifically looking for a long-term relationship, you may find one online faster than you would if you went looking offline. When looking for a long-term relationship online, you’re likely to put more consideration into the selection process, and you’ll find it easier to ask those big questions that are hard to ask in the early days of a traditional offline relationship [3]. So, if you go into the process looking for love, and you already know what you want, it becomes possible to skip through a lot of the getting-to-know-you stuff that usually has to happen at the beginning of a relationship [3]. References [1] Paul, A. (2014). Is online better than offline for meeting partners? depends: Are you looking to marry or to date? Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 17(10). [2] Finkel, E., Eastwick, P., Karney, B., Reis, H., & Sprecher, S. (2012). Online Dating: A Critical Analysis From the Perspective of Psychological Science. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 13(1), 3-66. [3] Rosenfeld. Michael J. (2017). “Marriage, Choice, and Couplehood in the Age of the Internet.” Sociological Science 4:490-51.

Article | online dating

“Too much, too soon?”

A few weeks ago I connected with a woman on a dating app, this one is designed to work with your Facebook profile and recommends friends of friends etc., with the potential of finding someone more suitable. We’re both in our late 20s. We are mutual friends with another couple, me knowing the guy through university and her the girl through a previous job. The conversation quickly progressed and it was clear we found one another easy to talk to. We exchanged numbers and she was quite forward saying I could ask her what her plans for the weekend were. We arranged dinner for Saturday but on Saturday morning she asked if I wanted to meet sooner and go for a coffee and progress to dinner. Throughout the week she had kept telling me how much she was looking forward to our date. Our first date ended up being eight hours together with conversation flowing easily, no awkward silences or thinking what to talk about next. We then arranged a date for the following week – a dinner on Friday at a nice restaurant – and once again on the afternoon of the date she asked to meet earlier for a drink in a bar. Dinner is extremely good and again conversation flowing and it is apparent how similar we are. She invites me home that evening and that also goes very well and we end up spending the Saturday together talking and relaxing with the intention of spending another night together at my house. But a few hours into being at mine, she asks if she could go home as suddenly everything just got intense for her and she realises she hasn’t spend two nights in a row with a man before. I then get a message on the Sunday telling me that it all got too much too quickly and she would like to leave things there. It’s been two weeks now and I wasn’t quite ready to finish. Given how easy it was to be in her company I thought this had the foundations to be something serious and given how much more forward she has been than me, I thought it was mutual. I would like to reach out to her again but I am also respecting her boundaries. To me we were a good fit but I can’t quite understand why she didn’t just ask to slow down instead of completely stopping things altogether. She hasn’t told me she no longer likes me, just that it was too much for her so I don’t know where that leaves me. I haven’t felt that spark with someone I’ve dated in a long while that I did with her so don’t want it to extinguish.

Ask the community | dating, commitment

“Problems with trust”

I've been dating this woman for five years and things suddenly changed. I met this woman when I took an out of town job and we hit it off instantly. She was the fire to my soul. She was a single mother with two young boys and even though I don't normally date single mothers, there was finding about her. She made me feel like no one ever has. We were young and in love. After a month I was living with her. Eventually, her crazy side emerged and I found myself packing my stuff and waiting on the sidewalk for my ride after every major argument almost once a month. Of course persistence and love overcame the crazy and our relationship was one to be envied. A few years go by and she decided she wants to have a weight loss procedure done. She's always been beautiful in my eyes and even though I had my objections, I was one hundred percent supportive. I cared for her, cleaned up after her, cooked for her and motivated her. I made sure the kids were fed, clothes, and clean. I was on top of their chores and school work. I did what I had to do. After she recovered, her mom ended up moving in with us. Bad move. Her mom started filling my wife and son's heads with lies like I was cheating on her or I didn't love her. She would tell my wife that the kids were scared of me and that I beat them. Eventually my wife kicked me out. With no place to go, I had no choice but to stay with my parents. Three months go by and my love for her is as strong as ever. Then she tells me that her mom destroyed a wash machine in our apartment complex and they're evicting everyone. My wife reasons with them and they agree to let her stay as long as her mom leaves. Guess who gets to come back home? Yours truly returns with nothing but love and forgiveness in my heart. Or relationship goes back to being normal. Somewhat. A few months go by and I notice my wife is a little more distant than usual. She spends a lot more time on facebook. Now, I'm somewhat of a jealous person due to several previous relationships ending with them having affairs and after the loss of our son, my ex-wifes infidelity hit me hard. So when this woman told me that a few of her relationships ended when she cheated on her boyfriends, of course suspicions arose,even though she assured me that she was no longer that person. Well, one night I was up late as usual and her phone went off. I got curious and checked it. The message was from a guy. It said "lol I love you". My heart dropped. I woke her up and asked her about it. As it turns out, she added an ex-boyfriend without even considering me. She explained that he requested her and she added him without even thinking and deleted him. I let it go. She's even more distant now. One day, I snatch her phone to see what's so important that she has to shut out myself and our kids. She puts up a huge fight, trying to take it. During the struggle, I notice that she had 142 friends (I remember numbers for some reason). So I give it back to her and she does something on it for about a minute, not letting me see what she's doing, then she tries to hand it to me. I decline. Later that night, I look again and she only has 141 friends. I ask her about it the next day and she claims ignorance. Things have only gotten worse. A few weeks ago she told me that she wanted a break. She hasn't been intimate with me in months. I ask her if there's still a chance between us and all I get is maybe someday. Now I'm sleeping in my car because I have no place to go. We still talk and I spend every last dime making sure she has gas, taking her kids out to eat and just trying to make sure they are happy. I just need feedback on my situation. I've never really had anyone to talk to about my problems so I thought I'd give this site a shot. Am I wasting my time? Should I give up? I love this woman and her boys so much I would give my last breath to ensure their happiness but I'm afraid it's going to cost me more than just money.

User article | dating, commitment

If you’re starting to argue a lot

What am I up against? When a new relationship kicks off, it can feel like everything’s wonderful. You don’t want to spend a minute without them, everything they do is adorable, and the way they slurp their tea is an endearing quirk. But, gradually, you awake from your love-induced coma and find yourself saying things like “you weren’t listening just then, were you?” This isn’t to say it’s all going downhill, but when you first start arguing, it may strike you that now you have to work at it. How to I deal with it? 1. Connect with each other People connect in different ways. The key is in understanding how your partner likes to connect, as well as how you like to connect. For example, some people feel connected with their partner through words of affirmation (“I love you”, or “I appreciate you” being the classics), meaning they like to be told how much they you are valued. Others feel special and valued by being shown physical affection, or by sharing quality time with their partner, or receiving thoughtful gifts. Everyone connects differently, so if you can learn how your partner connects, and they focus on how you connect, you’re both onto a winner. 2. Demonstrate commitment The golden ticket here is the word ‘demonstrate’. You may well be very committed and loyal to your new partner, but if you don’t show that commitment, the other person might not be able to feel it. And if they can’t feel it, they may not know your commitment is even there. It might be just as simple as saying the words, or involving them in other aspects of your life. Just let them know you’re keen to share your life with them. 3. Communicate regularly The art of conversation is not so much about the eloquent and intelligent back and forth between people, but about being able to listen. One of the biggest blockages to modern conversation and communication is a mobile device with a wi-fi signal. If you cast aside technology, physically face one another and listen as much as you talk, this will boost your communication no end. Do activities together that allow you to talk, such as playing a game, baking a cake or going for a walk. Communication in front of a TV, a computer screen or a tablet can dry up faster than a puddle in the Sahara. 4. Show care You might be surprised at how easy it is to show care. It’s often the small things that you can do for each other day-to-day that tend to make a big difference. OnePlusOne, the relationship research charity behind Click, ran a campaign called Love Nuggets, where people submitted their favourite gestures of care from their partner. In pole position was “A hug and an ‘I love you’”, followed by “making a cup of tea for them in the morning”, and thirdly, “the other person cancels what they were doing so we could spend some time together”. So, nothing mind-blowing, just some loving, consistent day-to-day gestures that go a long way. 5. Get good at resolving conflicts Every couple faces conflicts. What matters is how you deal with them. If handled correctly, they can even strengthen a relationship. Whatever the conflict, it might be helpful to take a moment before you react to it. It’s quite easy to fire from the hip during stressful situations and say things you might regret. Five minutes can be enough to get your mind and feelings straight. Part of healthy conflict is avoiding the temptation to try and win. Try to work together and tackle the conflict as a pair. Remember that arguments are not necessarily the sign of a poor relationship - any long term relationship needs maintenance.

Article | communication, dating, YPc

If you think you’re not having enough sex

Article | sexless, intimacy, YPc

“He totally changed”

I've met a handsome man. He is really cute. He is in my college and he’s volunteering to teach English so I went to him so he can teach me a little bit English, and I am deeply in love with him. The first time we talked together it was great! I mean, really great he was looking at me like he really in love with me! and he kept looking and me and like his mind was in different place and he kept moving and touching his face and his hair and he was very very shy! And he tried to be nice like he said a lot of beautiful things that off course I would like it! And we had to finish but he said no we have time you can stay. After that I met him a lot. He was just smiling at me and said hi but yesterday i had a tutoring with him again and he was talking about his girlfriend! Omg, he shocked me and he totally changed like on the first time he was so shy – sooooo shy – but yesterday he was not! I do not know why but he keeps looking at me every time I see him. I saw him looking at me. I do not know what to do. I am sorry I don’t speak good English but I hope that I write good meaning.

Ask the community | dating, someone else

“No sex”

I have been seeing this guy for about a month. We have known each other for at least 20 years. We do not have sex. He said he doesn't associate sex with people he cares about. He said he always had sex with women that were one night stands or whatever and it doesn't mean anything to him. He says he is seriously attracted to me but he can't keep it hard or even get hard when were together. He said he associated love with hanging out and being together. We really have a lot of laughs together, and I enjoy his company and he always wants to get together. We've sleep in the same bed, no sex. We kiss, we cuddle, all of that is great, but nothing going on down there. I don't even feel comfortable bringing it up with him. I do not want to pressure him and make it worse. We are 39 and 40 years old.

Ask the community | dating, new partner

Relationship lessons from young people

Article | dating, new partner

“My boyfriend keeps me hidden”

My boyfriend and I have been going out for three years (we are both 20). 80% of the time my friends and I hang out, he is always invited, either by me or my friends. We've gone out to countless dinners, concerts, parties, games and shopping trips and all with my friends. He's even been invited to my friend's house for dinner. However, till this day, his friends have never asked me to hang out with them and my boyfriend has only invited me to one party on his own. My friends are a mixed group of individuals, guys and girls. His excuse is his friends are all guys, but he knows for a fact I get along fine with guys and that is not an issue. He also says it's because they don't do things I can be invited to. But I think inviting me to dinner or bowling or the beach (which is all things has has blatantly said I can't come to) just once in a while won't hurt. I have also never met his family and they don't know we are dating and he says it's because they won't approve of him dating however he has been over to my house for dinner, thanksgiving and he has even come to New York with us. I wouldn't necessarily say he's "hiding" me from his friends because they know we are dating. It just feels like I put in a lot more effort to try to include him in my life and he tries to keep me away by using excuses. I've noticed all my girlfriends have great relationships with their boyfriend's friends, and they enjoy having her around too (obviously not all the time) and they're the ones who ask if she'd want to come along whenever things are planned. My friends do the same with my boyfriend.I want to get to know them better and I also don't want to be labeled as just "the girlfriend" but rather someone who they wouldn't mind making plans with. I just feel like I'm never given the chance. Am I asking for too much? Is it wrong to ask to be able to hang out with his guy friends once in a while?

Ask the community | family, commitment

“Scared of losing him”

My boyfriend. We’ve been dating for a couple months, but I have dated him before. This time it feels different since we are older. Today, he told me he would rather die for me and that if something happen to me that he would be shattered. I have never had a guy express his feelings like that to me. I don’t know what to do...

Ask the community | dating

“Relationship is down her priority list”

This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Hello the Click Community, I am posting this thread because I am seeking advises and opinions from you. I have been dating someone for a month and everything was great. We had good time together, we had laugh and I feel very connected to her. Unfortunately she now wants to stop seeing each other, reason being relationship is down on her priority list after a few factors: she's buying her first place, she's preparing her sister wedding... Interestingly, we have been texting since we stopped dating. She keeps sending me long messages and wants to know what I got up to. This makes me wonder whether she was honest with me. Does she use these excuses because she doesn't want to hurt me? Did you have similar experience in the past and how did it end up to? Many thanks in advance.

Ask the community | breakups, dating

“I like two boys”

I’ve just got on my 3rd week of having my first boyfriend, and lately, there’s been this other boy who is always being kind to me and making my laugh. We talk quite a lot and I think I’m starting to like him. But my boyfriend (apparently) loves me completely. I do too, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings at all, but I want to tell the other boy that I like him. What do I do??!!

User article | dating

“Ghosted after four years together”

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years. We are from the same city in the U.S. and about two years ago, he moved to Nigeria for a work assignment. We made it work because he visited four or five times a year. Last summer, it was my turn to go abroad. I was offered a unique experience to do humanitarian work in East Africa. It was only a temporary contract, but I went because of the rich experience I would surely gain. I took a risk to come, quitting my job, leaving friends and a place I called home for so long. My boyfriend was supportive of this endeavor. He said many times he was proud of me. We continued to talk every day, and he was extra attentive because he was in my shoes of moving halfway around the world not too long ago. So, we were finally on the same continent again. In February, we finally met in South Africa. It was our first time seeing each other since I had left the U.S. in July. The catch was that it was only for two days. We both had busy schedules and decided to give it a try anyway and meet up even for a few hours. The first day was very nice. It's always nice when you reunite. We went to the spa together and had lunch and dinner together while walking around Johannesburg. We had nice moments. At the dawn of the second day, I could already feel the pressure mounting, the feeling that time was not on our side. On the contrary, my boyfriend has always been the type of person who believes they have all the time in the world. So, he woke up early and left me for a few hours to play golf. That was ok with me. I had supported his love of the game and had also grown up on a golf course myself. I had learned upon his return that the subsequent plans of the day were to go shopping. I was to leave later that night. It was the fact that he didn't have anything special planned that bothered me. I grew upset. To me, he was throwing away a day, prioritizing everything else (his hobbies and chores) and not wanting to spend quality time with me. To him, we were an old couple and he expected that we'd be doing more mundane things together. I got so angry to the point that I refused to shop with him, choosing to stay at the hotel, because after all I came to see him not to go shopping. We fought. He said nothing makes me happy. He suggested I needed to work on me for a while and not be so focused on our relationship, not be so obsessed with it. We both know we've worked hard especially with the distance to make things work. I cried. We didn't part angrily. We actually mended things, or so I thought. We kissed each other goodbye. In the following few days, we exchanged the usual texts to see how each other's days were going, etc. I thought we dodged a bullet and avoided a break. On the fourth day, he just stopped communicating. I didn't know what was going on. At first I was calm about it, telling him that if this is a break we're taking, he can take the time he needs to clear his head. He never responded to any of my texts. There were many days where I felt so bogged down with sadness, but I didn't let it affect my work. I certainly had enough going on around me to be distracted. I don't feel I let my work suffer because of what was going on in my personal life. I was actually pretty good at keeping it private, but that came at the expense of suffering in silence and bottling up so that I spent many nights at home crying. I hadn't told anyone about what happened. Days turned into weeks and into months. We had never gone this long without communicating. We had a brief break right before he moved to Nigeria since he was unsure of the long distance, and it lasted for a month. This time, it's been four months. Waaaay too long. Not a peep from him. The man who was my best friend and confidant was gone. Actually, I didn't know what happened to him. Were we officially broken up? I was in the the dark. If it was a breakup, there was no closure, no definite green light to go ahead with my life. What was worse was that it seemed he abandoned me. This has been the most trying time of my life... being thousands of miles away from home, living in incredibly frustrating circumstances, and having to face big challenges everyday... and he wasn't there. I continued to text him even though I wouldn't get answers. I breathed a sigh of relief knowing he didn't block me. I made up excuses for him. Maybe he was giving us time to work on ourselves. He had a job search to think about with the upcoming return to the U.S. coming up in September and the whole idea of moving again. Maybe he was dealing with his kid's issues. He definitely was busy and didn't have time to deal with the standards I set for this relationship. At the three month mark, I started to become angrier. I went from thinking he just needed space to thinking he GHOSTED me. How could he leave without saying a word after almost four years together? More negative feelings began to take over. In my mind, he had already made up his and wasn't going to come back. Perhaps he had already moved on to the next woman, even with three months left in his assignment. I sent him angry texts accusing him of abandonment and being callous. At the same time, I made pleas, saying what I wanted from him. I said I only wanted to be closer to him and be more of a priority. I have spent the last few days feeling empty, feeling like my life has no direction. The life I dreamt with him would be left unrealized. At the same time, I have been pushing my stubborn self to let go. If he doesn't have the decency to communicate and if he is aware of the suffering he's putting you through, why put up with it? Giving the benefit of the doubt is why I'm still here. I don't have closure. I don't really know what happened. My contract is also up in August. I am now navigating my next steps. It can be a scary experience, feeling like you're free-floating with no direction in life. It's incredibly lonely here at this post, far from home and from friends and family. His presence would make things a lot better, but I know the burden is on my shoulders and no one else's.

Ask the community | dating

Commitment phobia

Most couples realise that relationships can only work in the long term when both partners make some form of commitment. Why then do some people who love their partners continue to fear the ‘C’ word? Loss of independence Some people see commitment and compromise as a loss of independence. However, a committed relationship doesn’t need to mean a total loss of self. While you might spend most of your time together in the early days, most people in long-term relationships go through a phase of ‘finding themselves’, where each partner wonders, “Who am I? What do I want? What do I need?” This may not happen at the same time for both partners but, with good communication, most couples find they reach a stage of ‘reconciliation in their relationship, where they have a good balance between feeling part of a twosome and feeling like two individuals who enjoy time together and apart. Avoiding past hurt People who’ve been hurt in the past might worry about future relationships ending in pain or failure. If your partner has experienced a painful breakup or bitter divorce, they may worry about history repeating itself. Likewise, someone who had a bad experience loss at a young age, through bereavement or a parental separation, may find it difficult to form strong bonds as an adult. For many people this is unintentional, and they may not even be aware of the issue. The timing isn’t right Some people have a mental checklist of things to achieve before they settle down. This could be anything from getting a degree, to travelling the world, or earning a salary that can support a family. Some people prefer to postpone making a relationship commitment until the feel like they have something to offer. Uncertainty of feelings People have different levels of emotional awareness. Some people avoid the difficult feelings sometimes associated with relationships by throwing themselves into other activities like work and sports to feel busy and successful. Understanding your own thoughts and feelings is important when considering making a commitment. Thoughts and feelings inform and guide the big decisions in life. People may be less willing to make commitments when they’re struggling to understand their own feelings. Keeping one's options open Some people shy away from commitment due to a quest for perfection. Many of us are taught to seek the ‘perfect partner’ – someone who is good-looking, intelligent, funny, charming, successful, and who likes the same things we do and has plenty of money. These people might be facing an impossible task but, until they learn that for themselves, commitment might just not be on the cards. Wanting to move on If one partner is unhappy or no longer in love, they may start to avoid commitment because they lack the communication skills to address the issue or are unsure of how to tell you they want to exit the relationship. It can be helpful to start a conversation about what you both want from the relationship and what your hopes are for the future – you don’t need to take any drastic steps or leap to immediate action, but you’ll both be better equipped to make decisions about the future of your relationship when you each know where the other stands.

Article | commitment

"COVID dating conundrum"

Before COVID I dated two women about two weeks apart. The first one (let's call her Beth) I met organically at a classy bar with her friends, asked for her number, then we had a first date a week later which was really nice. We smiled and laughed a lot, she shared some cool stories of her traveling, I had a good feeling about her and we had a great date. About a week or so after Beth, the second girl (let's call her Jane) I went on a coffee date with after meeting through an online service. Like a lightning bolt, Jane blew me out of the water. I was enamored. Smitten. Our first date was two hours of great conversation. I was mesmerized. She is a single mom home with two kids that she shares with her husband once a week. Jane and I went on a couple followup dates after that (even meeting her kids at a big community social thing for kids - she wasn't rushing introductions, just she didn't have a lot of time between sick kids and work and everything else). I proceeded to fall for her and saw my life plugging in with hers, not having my own I grew excited about being a "figure" of some kind to her two incredible children (wicked smart, well behaved, lots of fun, artistic, kind - great kids). She was wicked smart, musical, a great mother, and also very pretty. I never went on a second date with Beth - neither of us reached out after the first date for a second. I was crazy about going further with Jane. The choice seemed clear to me. Then COVID. Jane's ex husband is an immune compromised person by virtue of organ transplant. This meant for the kids to see him they would need to maintain strict quarantine for two weeks prior to their visits. Jane works online education from home so COVID wasn't as big a stretch for her as many people. Basically they adopted a lifestyle of continuous quarnatine (not just two weeks then a break because, honestly, that's a long two weeks to start over on). Other than a few stircrazy people in a house, their quarantine was doable for Jane. It was also essential. Jane couldn't tell her ex to kick rocks. Her kids need their dad (though he wasn't carrying his whole weight, but still). Further, Jane could not bear the thought of transmitting COVID to her childrens' father potentially and quite possibly killing him. So while the early days of COVID appeared with glasses of wine outdoors on her patio, or in open soccer fields chatting while the kids played ball, it never moved further. Though on the verge of having kissed her, we never made it that far. But I fell for her hard. Then, about as suddenly as it started, I could see her no more or chose not to - wasn't much of a choice really. you must also understand, Jane is a kind of scientist that is super sharp on things like epidemiology and virus transmission - there were no half-measures or wiggle room. In contrast to Jane, I could not maintain quarantine for two full weeks due to my job. One week or ten days I could do, but not more. John's Hopkins was unflinching about this with her ex - 14 days isolation and then you're safe. I've never seen Jane again. We exchanged texts and emails for a time like an enamored high school kid with a new crush, but eventually we both agreed it was better to go cold turkey than to keep torturing each other with frequent messages. It hurt a lot cutting things off bluntly with someone I was crazy about, but it had to be that way. I haven't been as excited to start up with someone as I was for her in many many years. It hurt a lot letting go. Spoiler alert: I still haven't, honestly - not fully anyway. And then Beth reached out to me after a month or two in April. Wanted to know if I wanted to go on another date. I agreed. COVID quarantine was taking its toll. I wasn't dating anymore - nothing after Beth and Jane during COVID - but since I knew her already, and as a medical professional, I trusted her COVID practices. We started up. At first it was really just dating in the generic sense. Two people, hanging out, liking each other but much more tame and reasoned than I experienced with Jane. We had all kinds of fun camping and hiking and doing all the things I'd put on a backburner as a single person - I now had a buddy to backpack and explore with and we wasted no time! Beth, single, no kids, no ex, independent, likes the outdoors, cooking, and traveling, is a real catch. Heart of gold. Kind person. Generous person. Our dogs get along great. We travel and camp and spend lots of time together without any issues or fighting. On paper we're a match. But what I don't feel as much, despite all her amazing traits, is the excitement I had for Jane. The "pull." Neither of them know about the other. Neither of them needed to. But after many months of dating Beth, I still find myself distracted by Jane although we aren't in regular contact except some Facebook post reactions and such. It seems to be interfering with me sexually as well ocassionally. As vaccines approach and distribution begins, I begin to wonder about the day that Jane reaches out, and asks if I want to try to pick up where we left off... And with this, recently things with Beth begin to crumble, because I feel guilty, I feel I'm duplicitous, and I feel Beth isn't being treated fairly - getting what she deserves which is someone who is ALL IN, who is "Fuck yeah" or "no" and not hanging somewhere in-between. I thought that might organically happen during our dating. We "make sense" together, Beth and I, and while there is not the "push away" feeling with Beth, it seems the "pull towards" Beth isn't as strong as what it should be. I enjoy our time together, but it seems maybe we're destined to just be "COVID buddies" and not cut out for the long haul? But she's also so endearing, and I beat myself up for hurting her by denying her my full presence. It makes me feel terrible because I've been in love before and I think it should "flow" from you in a good relationship. It doesn't so much. Only recently as we've begun to pull apart and had adult talks on our ending relationship (minus the subject of Jane) that I've begun to grow closer to Beth, perhaps ironically. I feel myself missing many things and ideas about Beth. My heart pangs when I see photos from our summer camping trips together. I really care for her and if I hadn't have met the impossible Jane, I think things would be very different between Beth and I. But you can't unmeet someone. So that's the story of COVID, Beth, and Jane. Can't feel fully committed to Beth because of lingering thoughts of Jane, can't be with Jane because of COVID and we never really started dating so I don't even know how we'd really be together, and sometimes I feel I should just be alone so no one else gets hurt. It's a horribly frustrating situation.

User article | social distancing, dating

"I'm falling for someone else"

I have been in my current relationship for 3 and a half years, I've been living with him for just over 2 years. I am ready to settle and be married and have kids but he is more interested in going out to the club and getting drunk 3 times a week. In all these years he has not shown me one but of commitment. He has never told me he loves me and if I ask him if he does love me then he says he doesn't know. My question to him is how can you not know after more than 3 years? He also never says stuff like one day when we are married or one day when we have kids. I've never had any indication of commitment from him. I have sacrificed so much for him. I left my job to move in with him and got another job which broke me, I was so passionate about teaching and then I wasn't, so I got another job working 7-5 which made me lose focus on my studies. Then when lockdown came, I lost my job and my partner became super demanding and has started treating me like a kid. There is 8 years between us. His time is limited so I know if I had to end it that I will be find because I am young (23). Anyway I've come back to my old job to do my practicles and I've met someone else. Nothing has happened between us but I feel this spark and connection. And we have the same interests, teaching kids. Any advice would be great, thanks. Basically should I end it or try make it work? I really do or did love my current boyfriend but I feel like I'm falling out of love because he hasn't shown me any commitment. He also never comforts me when I am upset, he always just says toughen up, or deal with it or you'll get over it.

User article | someone else, commitment

“She stopped texting back”

I'm a male in my 20s, she is 19. We both live in different states... We met about three years ago online playing games. We gained a bond over the years and we talked everyday for the past three years pretty much. I wasn't at first interested in her, it just kind of happened. This year one day I was just texting her and I felt a tingling feeling like I really like this girl. Keep in mind we mostly only text one another. About two months ago she started to act weird towards me. She wouldn't reply back for hours and a few times a whole day when normally she would text back within the hour. This been consistent for years, her texting back with in the hour. I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing was wrong, she just didn't feel like texting and she's never said that before. But I know she was talking to her ex that she also met online and he started going out with another girl and that's when she changed up and started to act weird. Also keep in mind I know she has nothing to do all day everyday. Currently she's home every day so its not like she can't respond back or she's busy. After her waiting a day to text back she says she's back for good now and has been texting me every day but stuff is still off, I can tell. She still takes long to reply back and doesn't seem too interested in talking to me. I was just curious as to what I should do. Do I need to just not respond back as much? Maybe she's tired of to much texting after all the years. Maybe she's playing games or maybe she met someone and doesn't want to tell me even tho I asked if she did and she said no.

User article | dating, online dating

“Stuck in a box”

I have dated my boyfriend for almost four years now. We are 25 years old. He has not yet proposed and I am frustrated about that. He says the reason why is because we're not financially stable yet. He also mentions that there are higher divorce rates the younger someone marries. Which I totally understand, but in my mind, I see it as no matter the circumstance, why doesn't he put all of that aside and show me how serious he is about me and propose to me. He is currently building a career for himself, opening up his own business while I am still in school. We don't live together yet because when I am resuming my intense two-year college degree program. Soon I will not be holding down a job for two years because it is an intense program, while again, where both building our lives. Would you advise me to have a serious talk with him that if by the end of 2020 if he doesn't propose than I'll have to part my ways and end our relationship? At the end of year 2020, we will be a couple months away from our sixth year relationship anniversary. I don't want to waste my time and wait for years and years on end.

User article | marriage, commitment

“Can’t we live happily after marriage?”

I was so happy before marriage. I was a free bird. I could just go out of my house any time, just a start away from my scooter. I ate what I wanted, doesn't matter what is the time, four in the afternoon or nine at night. I was earning my own money and did not rely on anyone. Now after marriage, I had to come here in the USA – the land of opportunities – but I have no work permit, no money. Every time I have to rely on my husband, whether I want to buy something or eat something. I have a dream to travel the world. My in-laws and even my husband think that I am just wasting his money. He is not aware that I used to shop and eat and spend money a lot more than I do here with him. I was an independent girl. I have done everything I ever wanted with my own money. Also, he thinks now that I am in the USA, I have developed a hobby of traveling. He doesn't know it was my dream. After all this still, I am trying to save his money by going out for dinner less I don't remember the last time I went to the mall for shopping, and don't remember the last time I spent on online shopping. He has money to send to his family but whenever we discuss it, he always says we are out of money. I am pissed off with his behavior. As a wife, I would want his special attention but I am being treated just like any other person in his life. I don't know now whether I have higher expectations or he is wrong.

User article | dating, someone else