With more relationships starting online than ever before, we looked at the factors that can make the difference between a false start and a long-term future.  Developing relationships In the early stages, online daters tend to spend longer deliberating over their choices. Online relationships can therefore take longer to develop than those starting offline [1].  One reason for this is that online dating can give us the impression that there is an endless supply of potential matches. If you’re not sure about a relationship, you have a couple of choices – you can either pursue it and see how it goes, or you can end it and start looking for the next one. If you’re confident you can find another match online fairly quickly, ending the current one might feel like the easiest option [1]. The marketplace approach if you’re not quite ready for a long-term commitment or if you don’t yet know what you’re looking for, you might approach online dating sites as a kind of marketplace. Online daters using this approach tend to make quickfire assessments of a person’s potential as a romantic partner, turning the dating process into an exchange where potential partners are seen as commodities to be selected from a choice of many. And, when there’s a choice, it feels easier to exchange one partner for another – so we go shopping again [2]. This approach might mean you get to meet a lot of people, but it won’t necessarily lead to a successful long-term relationship. Relationships usually work best when two people respond to each other’s needs, rather than weighing up the costs and benefits as they go [2]. The long-term approach On the other hand, if you are specifically looking for a long-term relationship, you may find one online faster than you would if you went looking offline. When looking for a long-term relationship online, you’re likely to put more consideration into the selection process, and you’ll find it easier to ask those big questions that are hard to ask in the early days of a traditional offline relationship [3]. So, if you go into the process looking for love, and you already know what you want, it becomes possible to skip through a lot of the getting-to-know-you stuff that usually has to happen at the beginning of a relationship [3]. References [1] Paul, A. (2014). Is online better than offline for meeting partners? depends: Are you looking to marry or to date? Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 17(10).  [2] Finkel, E., Eastwick, P., Karney, B., Reis, H., & Sprecher, S. (2012). Online Dating: A Critical Analysis From the Perspective of Psychological Science. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 13(1), 3-66. [3] Rosenfeld. Michael J. (2017). “Marriage, Choice, and Couplehood in the Age of the Internet.” Sociological Science 4:490-51.

What am I up against? When a new relationship kicks off, it can feel like everything’s wonderful. You don’t want to spend a minute without them, everything they do is adorable, and the way they slurp their tea is an endearing quirk. But, gradually, you awake from your love-induced coma and find yourself saying things like “you weren’t listening just then, were you?” This isn’t to say it’s all going downhill, but when you first start arguing, it may strike you that now you have to work at it. How to I deal with it? 1. Connect with each other People connect in different ways. The key is in understanding how your partner likes to connect, as well as how you like to connect. For example, some people feel connected with their partner through words of affirmation (“I love you”, or “I appreciate you” being the classics), meaning they like to be told how much they you are valued. Others feel special and valued by being shown physical affection, or by sharing quality time with their partner, or receiving thoughtful gifts. Everyone connects differently, so if you can learn how your partner connects, and they focus on how you connect, you’re both onto a winner. 2. Demonstrate commitment The golden ticket here is the word ‘demonstrate’. You may well be very committed and loyal to your new partner, but if you don’t show that commitment, the other person might not be able to feel it. And if they can’t feel it, they may not know your commitment is even there. It might be just as simple as saying the words, or involving them in other aspects of your life. Just let them know you’re keen to share your life with them.   3. Communicate regularly The art of conversation is not so much about the eloquent and intelligent back and forth between people, but about being able to listen. One of the biggest blockages to modern conversation and communication is a mobile device with a wi-fi signal. If you cast aside technology, physically face one another and listen as much as you talk, this will boost your communication no end. Do activities together that allow you to talk, such as playing a game, baking a cake or going for a walk. Communication in front of a TV, a computer screen or a tablet can dry up faster than a puddle in the Sahara. 4. Show care You might be surprised at how easy it is to show care. It’s often the small things that you can do for each other day-to-day that tend to make a big difference. OnePlusOne, the relationship research charity behind Click, ran a campaign called Love Nuggets, where people submitted their favourite gestures of care from their partner. In pole position was “A hug and an ‘I love you’”, followed by “making a cup of tea for them in the morning”, and thirdly, “the other person cancels what they were doing so we could spend some time together”. So, nothing mind-blowing, just some loving, consistent day-to-day gestures that go a long way. 5. Get good at resolving conflicts Every couple faces conflicts. What matters is how you deal with them. If handled correctly, they can even strengthen a relationship. Whatever the conflict, it might be helpful to take a moment before you react to it. It’s quite easy to fire from the hip during stressful situations and say things you might regret. Five minutes can be enough to get your mind and feelings straight. Part of healthy conflict is avoiding the temptation to try and win. Try to work together and tackle the conflict as a pair. Remember that arguments are not necessarily the sign of a poor relationship - any long term relationship needs maintenance.

Most couples realise that relationships can only work in the long term when both partners make some form of commitment. Why then do some people who love their partners continue to fear the ‘C’ word? Loss of independence Some people see commitment and compromise as a loss of independence. However, a committed relationship doesn’t need to mean a total loss of self. While you might spend most of your time together in the early days, most people in long-term relationships go through a phase of ‘finding themselves’, where each partner wonders, “Who am I? What do I want? What do I need?” This may not happen at the same time for both partners but, with good communication, most couples find they reach a stage of ‘reconciliation in their relationship, where they have a good balance between feeling part of a twosome and feeling like two individuals who enjoy time together and apart. Avoiding past hurt People who’ve been hurt in the past might worry about future relationships ending in pain or failure. If your partner has experienced a painful breakup or bitter divorce, they may worry about history repeating itself. Likewise, someone who had a bad experience loss at a young age, through bereavement or a parental separation, may find it difficult to form strong bonds as an adult. For many people this is unintentional, and they may not even be aware of the issue. The timing isn’t right Some people have a mental checklist of things to achieve before they settle down. This could be anything from getting a degree, to travelling the world, or earning a salary that can support a family. Some people prefer to postpone making a relationship commitment until the feel like they have something to offer. Uncertainty of feelings People have different levels of emotional awareness. Some people avoid the difficult feelings sometimes associated with relationships by throwing themselves into other activities like work and sports to feel busy and successful. Understanding your own thoughts and feelings is important when considering making a commitment. Thoughts and feelings inform and guide the big decisions in life. People may be less willing to make commitments when they’re struggling to understand their own feelings. Keeping one's options open Some people shy away from commitment due to a quest for perfection. Many of us are taught to seek the ‘perfect partner’ – someone who is good-looking, intelligent, funny, charming, successful, and who likes the same things we do and has plenty of money. These people might be facing an impossible task but, until they learn that for themselves, commitment might just not be on the cards. Wanting to move on If one partner is unhappy or no longer in love, they may start to avoid commitment because they lack the communication skills to address the issue or are unsure of how to tell you they want to exit the relationship.  It can be helpful to start a conversation about what you both want from the relationship and what your hopes are for the future – you don’t need to take any drastic steps or leap to immediate action, but you’ll both be better equipped to make decisions about the future of your relationship when you each know where the other stands.

What am I up against? Every relationship is different, and what works for one couple might not be what works for another. But it’s fair to say that no relationship will benefit from partners being aggressive toward one another. There are several forms of aggression, here we’re going to look at physical and psychological. Firstly, the physical kind. Research tells us that: 10% to 48% of adolescents report experiencing physical aggression in their relationships [1]. These acts include pushing, slapping, hitting and being held down. And secondly, the psychological kind. This includes: Making fun of the other person or calling them hurtful names. Saying negative things about their appearance, body, or family and friends. Telling them who they can see and where they can go. Constantly checking up on them and what they are doing. Using private information to manipulate or threaten them. Research also says that: 25%-50% of adolescents report psychological aggression while dating [1]. Physical aggression is often seen to be more harmful, but psychological aggression can be just as damaging to the individual and the relationship.  How do I deal with it?  1. Recognise the signs, and trust your judgement Early signs to watch out for are controlling behaviours, threats of violence, attempts to control your social interactions, or a short temper. During a series of interviews with young women who had experienced violence in relationships, they could all recognise these early signs but didn’t always trust their own judgement and leave the relationship. They also said it would have been much easier to get out early, rather than waiting until the relationship was more developed. 2. Consider carefully how long you hold on Brand new relationships can be powerful and compelling; this is one of the reasons that young adults sometimes stay in violent relationships, hoping their partners will get their anger management in check. When there’s a connection with someone, it might be easy to believe that you can fix them, or that you can heal them in some way. But research suggests that as relationships progress, it’s likely that the violence will too. The longer you stay in a violent relationship, the worse it’s likely to become [3]. 3. It’s not your fault If you’re a victim of violence, it really isn’t your fault - even if you feel like you’re exacerbating the situation. According to research, young people often stay in violent relationships because they feel like it’s their own fault that their partner is behaving in this way. It’s also quite common for people in a violent or aggressive relationship to justify the behaviour as ‘caring’, or ‘their way’ of expressing love [2]. They may be in difficult circumstances or have suffered past experiences that have contributed to the way they are, but it’s up to them to get help for that. You shouldn’t be punished for their emotional or psychological struggles. If you continue to put up with this behaviour, there’s a danger that it will become normal in your eyes. It could begin blurring your sense of what is right and wrong, which will make it even more difficult to leave the relationship [2].  4. Take it to someone Young men and women who experience violence often don’t report it because they don’t recognise it as violence or think no one will take them seriously [3]. This is most commonly the case with psychological violence, as it is often deemed to be a lesser offence than physical or sexual violence. This is a dangerous assumption; abuse of any kind should be taken seriously. While it’s a good thing to seek support from a friend, there’s a limit to the assistance friends can give in protecting someone from violence. If you don’t feel ready to go to a formal source of help, like an official support helpline, consider someone you can trust like a lecturer or a teacher. They can be impartial as they’re outside of the situation. [3] References [1] Halpern, Oslak, Young, Martin, & Kupper, 2001; Jouriles, McDonald, Garrido, Rosenfield, & Brown, 2005 [2] C. Barter, 2009 [3] Christine Barter et al., 2009

Everyone argues, but not everyone argues well. Constructive arguing is something of an art form, and sometimes a good argument that’s handled well can actually help to improve a couple relationship. Whereas if you argue badly, you’re likely to go around in circles and frustrate yourselves into a frenzy until conflict becomes the norm. Bad arguing isn’t healthy for a couple, and too many badly handled arguments can really shake the core of any good relationship, however solid and mature it is. Whatever you’re up against as a couple, getting good at arguing together will help you solve your problems quicker and boost the quality of the relationship. The aim here is to help you do that. After many years of conducting research and looking at relationships under the microscope, here’s the best tips we know of to help you argue well. These tips are not to help you win the argument, but rather, they’re to help you and your partner win each other. 1. Always be cool (ABC)If you only stick to one rule, let it be this one. If you’re not calm, it’s because your emotions have gotten the better of you (in other words, you’re emotionally compromised), which means you’re in no real position to conduct a good argument. Fire fuels fire, so it’s really important to keep each other cool. Poor arguing: “I don’t know who you think you are speaking to me like that... where do you get off…” A better way: “Maybe we should both come back to this when we’re a little calmer. Let’s take ten.” Pro tip: Count to 10 before you react. If you get to 10 and you’re still not calm, remove yourself from the situation and come back when you’ve calmed down. Remember, when things get heated, aggressive or hurtful, you cannot make progress – the whole thing needs a reboot. 2. Don’t retaliate and throw stuff The worst kind of argument is one where both parties are just pelting each other with criticisms and blame. Instead try telling your partner how you feel. Here's what that might look like. Poor arguing: “Why do you make fun of me in public?” “Well you insist on telling that naff joke, it makes everyone feel awkward”. “You always find a way to make me feel like bad about myself.” A better way: “I feel really embarrassed when you make fun of me in public” “I didn’t even realise I was doing that, that wasn’t my intention.” Pro tip: Be conscious that your words can cause irrevocable damage, so choose them carefully. You might be able to apologise later, but you can’t take back what you said. Practice having a retort ready in the chamber and apply the discipline of NOT firing it. As you practice this, you may experience a sense of calm control. 3. Listen – until the penny drops Failing to listen is one of the largest causes of poor arguing. It often happens because when one person is talking, the other person is cocking and loading their next argument. Listening is really about taking the time to understand where they’re coming from. If you don’t take the time to listen, your partner won’t feel heard and will very quickly become annoyed. They probably won’t listen to you in return either.  Poor arguing: “I feel like you just don’t really want to be with me anymo–“ “Do we honestly have to go through this again?” A better way: “I feel like you just don’t really want to be with me anymore. I know you say that you do, but you just don’t seem that interested in me”. “Just to help me understand here; what signals am I giving you to make you feel that I’m not interested in you anymore?” Pro tip: A huge and often underrated part of listening is body language. Even just sitting opposite your partner on the couch and facing them, you’re already communicating that they matter and that you’re ready to listen. Look them in the eye, and acknowledge when they’re making sense. You don’t have to agree, and if you don’t, try to resist the temptation of mentally preparing a comeback. Pro tip: Try to focus more on understanding rather than just hearing them out. That sometimes means asking them more questions about it. 4. Speak for yourself One of the reasons that arguments go sour is because the whole thing becomes a battle of accusations and criticisms. By telling someone how they’ve failed, what they’re doing wrong, or how they’ve messed up – you’re going to make them flare up, even if you’re speaking truth. It’s helpful to take the accusations out of the equation and instead talk about yourself and how their behaviour has affected you. That way, you’re not attacking them or making a judgement on their character. Poor arguing: “You want to be with someone else, just say it”. “So what you’re saying is, you don’t trust me”. “Well you’re such a flirt, and you flirt with other people, so what else do I have to go on?” A better way: “I’m feeling quite insecure at the moment, and I’m afraid that you want to be with someone else“. “Is it something I’m doing to make you feel that way?” “There are a couple of things. I might be just being sensitive, but it looks like you’re behaving in a flirty way with other people.” Pro tip: When you talk, start with “I” rather than “You”.  So instead of “You never help out with chores”, say “I’d really like some more help around the house, I feel like I’m on my own with it”. It’s the same point, but one feels like an attack, and the other feels like a request and the expression of feelings. Pro tip: Try not to assume what your partner is thinking (or worse, TELL them what they’re thinking). By starting everything with “I”, you’re less likely to do that. Speaking for yourself is a habit that is worth developing for any argument with any person. 5. Apologise for your side of things If your partner has attacked you in some way and, say, you snap back at them, it’s still helpful if you apologise for the snap. Even if they don’t apologise for the attack in the first place. This can be tough, but it sets in place an attitude of respect and the taking of one’s own responsibility. By giving some ground, you might be able to change the tone and direction of the entire argument. Poor arguing: “You’re so selfish. You didn’t even let me know where you were.” “Are you my keeper? You don’t need to know where I am 24/7.” A better way: “You’re so selfish. You didn’t even let me know where you were.” “Okay, I’m sorry that I worried you. Maybe we should agree on how often I should check in with you in future. I might not be able to text you as often as you’d like though – I’d like to talk about that.” Pro tip: The earlier you can land your apology, the better. So even if you’ve said something mean a few seconds ago, nip it in the bud and hold your hand up. Hold strong if the apology doesn’t get returned for their side of things. It might not happen, but by humbling yourself, you’ll create an environment where they can. 6. View it through their eyes We’ve all heard the expression “putting yourself in their shoes”. But doing this during an argument is really hard because it requires you to step outside of yourself and all your own feelings for a moment. If you manage to pull it off, you can often see why their behaviour makes sense to them, even if it doesn’t make sense to you. Mastering this can make for some really effective and constructive arguing. Pro tip: In order to really flip your viewpoint, you need to get good at really listening. Listening can help you see what it looks like through their eyes. Use your imagination and think how it would FEEL for your partner. It’s something that needs to be practiced. What we’re talking about here is basically empathy, and empathy is really really helpful in an argument. 7. Show love – even if it’s a minuscule gesture If you’re angry, hurt, or feeling defensive, you might not feel like being kind, affectionate or loving. Naturally you’re on the back foot, and you’ve got fire in your belly. But a simple loving gesture like making a cup of tea can help, because it reminds you both of your shared bond. That can be enough to pour calm on a heated row and help you both want to comfort each other and find resolution. The act of showing love often slips because, in the scheme of things, work obligations, social dynamics and keeping up with life take precedent. But such gestures are actually imperative to relationships, as the following page will demonstrate. Pro tip: The trick here is timing. If you go in for a hug as your partner is mid-tantrum or trying to explain their feelings, your hug might not be well received. But if your love based action is, say, fetching some tissues, putting your phone down, or stopping a game in order to talk properly, it shows that you care and that you want to listen. That can take the edge off a bad argument.