So there is this guy at work. We started to speak mid June last year but it was short lived as he told me he didn't want anything serious but I fancied him so much, although I didn't know either what I wanted because I came out of a long and committed relationship not so long before. But I didn't want to give up on this new guy and we played our little games at work (blushing when near each other, smiling, small talks, caught him watching me from the distance constantly etc) but he just seemed too shy to actually do anything so I engaged a conversation with him again on a social media app. There were weeks when we talked everyday, all day and even though he told me previously he didn't want anything serious, he kept asking me things which convinced me from the opposite.
Then at the very end of August I ended up in his apartment and had a *very nice* night with him. Not just the intimacy was perfect-like but the pillow talk, or the rest of the night. We were talking about everything and I could tell that we had chemistry. We were holding hands all night and he was stroking all my body, giving kisses to my cheeks, forehead, we cuddled a lot (he pulled me to his chest) and it was all so nice and definitely didn't feel like a one-night stand for me (what I thought it is gonna be). Before I left he pulled me closer and kissed me for sooo long just to say goodbye. He messaged me immediately after I left.
And things were just okay for 2 weeks after but it just slipped out of my hands. I started to develop very deep feelings for him and while I saw the same on him, he never made a move. He was rude on messages. It was making me going insane. Because in person he was so nice and kind to me and his eyes told me everything what was happening in his heart but he was pushing me away at the same time. Then we had an argument that he doesn't want a relationship, a friendship, not even talking (really immature, I know). Then we cut off all the contact and didn't speak with each other.
I was avoiding him at work, didn't even say Hi because it just hurt me so much. I cried every day, felt unbearable pain because I didn't understand. Then about 2 months later I heard from a mutual friend that he actually had a girlfriend all along. I started to hate him so much. I just ignored him as much as I could. About a 1-1.5 month later I noticed that he was trying to catch my eyes. He was trying to engage again. But I just kept ignoring as I didn't want to suffer more.
Then I took almost 4 weeks of holiday (visited home) but when I went back to work, everything has changed. I found out pretty soon that he broke up with that girl. He started his little games again: smiling, blushing, being all awkward and embarrassed around me, sitting the closest to me in the canteen etc., I felt like he's trying to find out whether I'm still mad at him or not. And I'm not gonna deny, I still have feelings for him too, but I tried to move on and was open for anything new but the few I encountered just...weren't worth to mention (and weren't anything like this guy?). So I went into his games too. And yet again, I heard just the other day that he has another girlfriend, now officially.
And now I'm just sitting here I have no freaking idea 1. Why and mostly HOW I still have feelings for him??? 2. What the heck he's trying to achieve with his games while he has someone else??? 3. Why I am not good enough for him to be in a relationship, why I'm only a back-up person for him? I feel like I've tried everything to move on and nearly succeed but he pulled me back with his pretty face and I find myself exactly where I was a few months ago. I know he has something for me, I can just tell, but then why is he trying with other girls instead of growing balls and stay with me??