My girlfriend doesn't want sex. In the 4 years we have been together we have made love about 9 times. She has two boys aged 10 & 12 and she works part time and we don't live together. I help her out with stuff like buying her a bike so that she can join her boys, a new TV, a new cooker, plus I took a loan out to buy her a car. She says that she only has sex with me like it's payback for what I do for her. Am I being used?

I have been with my husband for 18 years. Our sex life wasn't great but it was enough at the time. After being rejected by him when I tried to initiate sex I stopped trying. When we decided to have our daughter we had sex only a handful of times. After she was born it stopped, that was 10 years ago. Last year I met a guy at work, I felt great and it boosted my confidence as my marriage was a sham. I did have sex with the guy as I wanted to know if I still had a desire for sex, which I did. After this happened I went to councilling as I was so confused, she gave me the strength to confront my husband and ask him why he didn't want to have sex with me. When I talked to my husband about it he said it was my moods that turned him off wanting to have sex with me. I explained my moods were the result of him not showing me any affection which has led to a vicious circle. We both agreed to try which we did for a few months. We did have sex however he struggled to maintain an erection and could not ejaculate. This upset me as I felt I wasn't enough for him I told him this and he said I was. After this I stopped initiating sex as I wanted to see if my husband would try, that was 6 months ago and he hasn't tried. I am now at the stage I don't know what to do as if I talk to him again he will agree to try but will then do nothing. Having sex with the guy at work made me realise that I need to have a sex life but I'm not sure my husband does!

I've been with my husband for 12 years since we were 18 and 20. About 6 months ago whilst pregnant I accidentally found some internet history that showed my husband was viewing gay porn. I found it on 2 occasions on 2 separate devices. I immediately freaked out thinking our whole life was a lie and he was actually gay using me as a cover or whatever. I confronted him and he said he was embarrassed and assured me he wasn't gay and loved me etc. I forgot about it until recently I stumbled across it again. I'm started to question our relationship and now feel super anxious about it and worried he will later decide he doesn't want to be with me and I'll be a single mum with 2 kids. I've spoken to him about how I feel and he again reassures me he is not gay and loves me and wants to grow old with me etc. I just can't shake the thoughts. It's constantly on my mind and started to affect the relationship and my parenting as I feel constantly distracted. I've had postnatal depression before so not sure if this could be playing a part too in my anxiety or am I right to feel anxious about this. Apart from this he's a loving husband and father who I can't fault otherwise. Please help!

Hi I'm 31 married with 3 kids. We've been together 13 years. She gives no affection hugs kisses cuddles nothing. I've tried to talk to her about it her response was it used to be fresh. I try to give her whatever she wants. We use to be intimate for the first few years. Now I haven't had sex for over a year, and get it once a year if I'm lucky. I am also basically for bidden from touching her. What do I do.

Well, after five years of definitely a less than sexless marriage, three times in all, we finally had THE CHAT! He says he loves me and finds me attractive but each night thinks 'I'll wait till tomorrow.' Yes, tomorrow never comes... no pun intended. He's a closed book usually but told him how unloved unattractive I felt. I've been patient but not so desperate for sex that I would cheat... but one passionate kiss at least. Not much to ask. So every night we'll be in bed and I may as well be sleeping next to a stone. He wouldn't notice if I had old pj's on or nice lingerie or even naked. He's only 40. Now he does have health issues and is now depressed. But last week I asked him if he relieved himself. He said 'Yes last week' and I know it would be to porn. So, no I am not upset that he can't be intimate. I'm angry. If you've no sex drive yet can't respond to your partner naked next to you but can do that, then you are either a liar or keeping something from me. Then he admitted he also feels untrusted. Well, over five years ago I found a secret twitter account where he'd been tweeting a female workmate - way too flirty. He had worked with her every night for eight years. I'd never heard of her. Reading the tweets I was stunned. I'm all for having friends but then to see 'thanks for visiting'?? He had visited her at home once then it was twice but both times with friends when she had broken her leg. If he had told me I would have said get her some flowers but it was the week I was in hospital with pneumonia and he couldn't visit me. He wouldn't add me on Facebook but liked all her (sorry) slutty pics and a man's work leaving do turned out to be hers as I found out later and he'd been liking her outfit pic in the bathroom just before he went and rolled in at 6am. He finally understood he'd been disrespectful and after another 18 months I finally said, 'Enough, take her off twitter and Facebook.' I would have done it instantly if I had been behaving like that. He did. She moved job and got a boyfriend. It's the sneakiness. He said he had never had a woman as a friend and it was work banter. I let it go and accepted he'd not carry it on. But the visiting at home was still niggling so I sent her a polite text... She said he'd never mentioned a partner once and was very secretive but he visited twice, both times alone. Even when I told him what she said he still lied to my face. Just the last few months I've got over the lies and deceit and after our chat I asked how he got there. Nice. two buses there and back. He then had another female at work start the same but he said he'd nipped it in the bud. Partly I felt I had caused his depression by taking his 'friend' away. So you can see where the mistrust comes in. Sometimes I've pretended to be asleep when he gets home so as not to feel like a stranger in my own bed but all he says partly I believe. But funny that all the intimacy stopped exactly the time she popped up on twitter etc. He's great in all other ways but now I'm getting to the point where I think uuck... Do I really want to sleep with him never mind be intimate? And days I want to say 'Leave the car keys and door keys'. I just wish I knew if he was being truthful and things could improve or do I say adios thanks for the memories? Nightmares. It's his only day off today and jokingly I said, 'You know tonight's the night?' He laughed and said, 'Yes, takeaway and a movie.' FFS is he just dim, depressed, or a snide two-faced liar? I'm at the end of my tether and 20 years together can't drag on if it's one sided. I don't need him, I want him but I want him to want me or at least take drama lessons. I still think he's carrying a torch for her and his porn watching has got him to a point where he can't do the deed with a real person. Sorry, long rant but not told anyone before. So, any advice? Lying using snake or a depressed man? I have tried to help. Do I cut my losses while I love him or let him stay as a roommate which is all he feels like and be taken over by bitterness? The trust issue is his burden. Trust has to be re-earned when broken or am I just putting two and two together and making five and overreacting?

I have been with my current boyfriend 5 years but recently hasnt been showing intimate feelings over the last couple or years. I am Bi and at the start of the realtionship he was open to brining in another woman. Recently i made freinds with a trans female and we both like each other.and reallu have made a conection but my boyfi

I've decided to finally begin writing about this here, as I saw a few posts here about women being in the same situation as me and I know writing is a healthy outlet. My partner and I have been together for over 3 years, when we first met he was in his active addiction and I was also a heavy drinker. Due to this, we had a lot of crazy kinky sex. Do I need it like that? No. But do I compare how he wanted me than to how he wants me now? Yes. I am happier we are both healthier now, but our sex life/intimate life is not satisfying me. Nearly any relationship I had been in, we were having sex way more frequently. I like to do it at least a couple of times a week, if not every day is possible. Why not? I’m still 28, and I’m healthy with a sexual appetite.. I enjoy sex, and I have always been confident sexually so “feeling sexy” was never something I struggled with. We have sex about once a week now, and it's usually always on a Saturday, in the shower, and initiated by me or forced by him because he can see how frustrated I am becoming. I think part of the reason I also want sex so badly, is because he is not an overly affectionate guy (for many reasons), so when we have sex its a good time for me to “feel” the love and feel closer than ever. I understand that he has his own way of showing he loves me and I also understand there are different love languages and not all people are as touchy or romantic. The thing is, as a First Nations man, he has also been exposed to a lot of intergenerational and immediate trauma in his life and he also struggles with mental health challenges, and severe stomach issues and is constantly in discomfort. I believe him and know he has suffered for years, and I would do anything to take all of his pain away. At the same time, I am a human with needs and when they are unmet I am left feeling gross, unwanted, and even selfish for feeling this despite knowing his struggles. The thing is, the reason we usually do it in the shower (in the same position all of the time) is because that is the only place his stomach does not bother him as much. We have spent years trying to resolve his digestive issues and it's been honestly disappointing and a never ending battle. But the thing is, it was also bad when we were no longer drinking further in our relationship and still having sex regularly. I understand he suffers, but I think sometimes the desire to have sex just doesn’t overpower what ever he is feeling. I wish sometimes it did. As women we grow up conditioned into thinking that men always want sex and are always hungry and looking for it. Even from my experience, whatever partner I have ever had has always been all over me. At one point in our relationship, he was addicted to pornography. He was also lying to me about masturbating. It took us a while to get over that and resolve it (if its been resolved). This fucked me up really bad, and still does today to be honest. He never wanted to have sex with me because he said he was tired or he would never finish and I found out he was watching porn and jerking off nearly every day. Its common for people with childhood trauma, or addictions in general to become addicted to internet porn.. But the feeling of someone rather having something that is non-physical and external to you- is unfathomable. We got through it, I’ve been under the impression for about a year that he doesn’t watch porn anymore. I honestly believe he doesn’t, and he wouldn’t really even have time to now anyways. But, is it wrong for me to still wonder in the back of my mind? I guess I have some questions to myself. Is my partner still addicted to porn? Is it wrong for me to be upset and sexually frustrated for not having sex more often while knowing he struggles with multiple things that cause him to feel this way? Is it just normal for some couples to not have sex more than once a week? Should I be “normalizing” it if I still feel crappy and like I want it more often?

My boyfriend (21) and I (21) have been together on and off for almost 2 years. When we start seeing each other the intimacy is quite high and we have sex at least 2 or 3 times a week. But it has suddenly dropped to nothing. I am constantly trying to initiate it and he doesn't show any interest at all and says ''it dies down in a relationship" etc. It has been 2 weeks and I tried to initiate it 4 days ago and ended up having a breakdown asking him if he even finds me attractive because I rarely even get any compliments about my body. He said he finds me beautiful he just doesn't feel like it but then I found out he was watching porn the other night when I wasn't over. I'm just not sure what I am supposed to do because I feel so insecure.

He says he still wants me..thst its not that he doesnt want me sexually...it will go back the way it was. I dont think i turn him on anymore and hes hoping it will go back to how it was. It kills me inside but facts are there...he doesnt want sex with me. Never wants anything to do with sex brought up or he gets mad. Ive even told him i wanted to basically fulfill any fantasy he wanted..few times and he turned me down. Im just being stupid huh? Its tight in front of me right? I just dont want to accept that he doesnt want me anymore..right..wrong?? Help seriously bad. Its killing me slowly each day.

Hello, I'm 26 years old and have been married for 1.5 years. Before marriage I dated him for nearly 3 years. At the beginning of our relationship my partner was very much sexually attracted to me as he was stealing even little moments to kiss me or touch me and asked for photos and stuff but we never had full intercourse (due to cultural values), even though he liked it. Gradually I felt like he was losing interest in the sex part as soon as my mom passed away. He was obsessed in taking care for me and making me feel better. A year later we got married and moved to Australia. On our first night together and ever since I've tried several times to initiate sex but he does not want to. I'm a very shy girl in nature but I don't have any other option than initiating and trying. I make jokes, I tell him seriously that I want it but he makes jokes about it and that's it. I've began to feel desperate and during this 1.5 years I've argued and cried three times but he never answers my questions. Only thing he does is give me a hug that's it. I soon stop the conversation as I feel so ashamed of myself for being needy and sexually active. Unfortunately I feel like I'm sexually too active as I can't stop feeling desperate and I've started imagining things in my head with fictional characters. I've started watching love making videos and satisfying myself but I feel so empty. I want intimacy and during this 1.5 years we haven't even kissed lips. Whenever I try to kiss him on the cheek he laughs and pushes me away saying it tickles. Please help!! He is a lovely man and I love him!

I'm unsure of my husband. He had been doing gym for over a yr. I trusted him. End of last year he started a gym class called hiit. There was only girls. I didn't worry at first. He ended up being late once I felt faint. Don't know if this was true or a lie. A few weeks later he came bk from that class and took his wedding ring on two occasions showing me his finger with no ring. I am a person hides my emotions. I had a row on valentines day and cut up his roses. I noticed he txt someone and hid in the toilet (deleting evidence)He said I was paranoid. When I said I don't want him doing this class he gave me an evil glare. My friends think that he is selfish. He liked the class, but i still let him go to ordinary gym. Was he cheating or potentially cheating?. After the row he is only half into me. Now he has problems with work with work load and acting distant. I don't know whether or not to stay or go. He's not wanting sex at the moment due to stress. I was going to walk out on valentines day. Another time he didn't give me much affection I was going to have a break had my bag packed and toothpaste brush I was going to stay in a hotel for a few nights but he stopped me he was more affectionate for a few days. I have two young children. I don't know what to do! I love him but i don't like the changed him. I had tummy pains he never cuddled me one day. What is wrong with him.

Through a combination of shyness, lack of confidence, and going to an all-boys school, I had little social interaction with girls/women until I went to university. I met my first girlfriend (a student nurse) at a friend’s 21st birthday party when I came down. Within a few weeks, we had started a sexual relationship which quickly progressed to having sex. She was more experienced than me, but I felt pretty good about myself. Tragically, four months into our relationship and quite unexpectedly, she killed herself after failing an important exam. I was devastated but gradually realised that the relationship would probably not have lasted much longer as we had so little in common. I met my wife after placing a lonely hearts ad in the local newspaper. Unbeknown to me, the ads section of the newspaper was circulated London-wide. So when her reply came from North London (I lived in South London) I was hesitant to get in touch. When we first met, I thought she was incredibly attractive and could not believe my luck. I was an average-looking guy having kept myself fit at university. Although we came from different backgrounds, I enjoyed her company not least because we had so many shared interests, and looked forward to our frequent meetings. We started a sexual relationship within a few weeks, but it was always limited to kissing, cuddling, and mutual masturbation (she wasn’t on the pill and didn’t trust condoms). Any attempts at manual penetration of her vagina were always met with resistance. I assumed this was a product of her Catholic upbringing. About 3 years into our relationship, I developed glandular fever. During the enforced separation, I realised I wanted to be with her all the time and could not imagine my life without her so I asked her to marry me and we got engaged. I had hoped that having made this commitment to her we might have had sex but she was still resistant. On our wedding night, my wife led us up to our bedroom where we undressed (this was unusual as she had never initiated sexual activity before). I was far too eager (but gentle), naïvely thinking that sex with my virgin wife would be as easy as with my previous girlfriend. I could feel that the end of my penis had gone into my wife’s vagina but she said that she wanted me to stop. Any further attempts at penetration were met with resistance. I felt such a failure and blamed myself. Having married during term time (I was a teacher) we went for our delayed honeymoon in the summer holiday but she was still resistant and was not even willing to be naked with me in bed. After the holiday, she revealed that she had taken some lubrication thinking it might help but, inexplicably decided not to tell me. I found the continued rejection confusing and felt so worthless for not being able to be a “proper” husband. What was I doing wrong? I suggested that we should seek counselling, but she insisted that “things” would sort themselves out, but they never did. Whenever I suggested that we could be naked in bed together it was never the right time or place. So, our sex life continued to be limited to kissing, cuddling, and mutual masturbation, but I never gave up. I even tried oral sex (which she said she did not like), but any attempt at penetration was always met with resistance. How I wish that I had sought help for our problem but I honestly believed that she wanted to sort out things by herself and that pressuring her would be counterproductive. Also, my male pride probably made me too embarrassed to admit my failure and be judged as not being a “real” man. I should probably have sought an annulment on the grounds of non-consummation but I loved her and could not imagine my life without her. About 3 years into our marriage, my wife had her first manic episode. These episodes have all followed a similar pattern; she takes off her rings, says that she loves someone else, and wants a divorce. She leaves the marital home and stays in hotels. When this happened for the first time, I was very upset and thought it was because of the lack of sex in our marriage (I did not realise these actions were symptoms of her illness). After hospitalisation, she seemed to recover. When, 6 months later, the second episode occurred and the same pattern was repeated, she confided to a hospital doctor (and my mother) that we had never had sex (so on some level this must have mattered to her). By now, I was even more convinced it was my fault. On her discharge, and seemingly recovered again, we were referred for sexual counselling. At the time, I was grateful that we were not seen together. In my session, the counsellor seemed satisfied with the information I gave about my previous sexual relationship. My wife ended her sessions without any resolution to the problem. I bitterly regret that I was not courageous enough to insist that we were seen together. My mother was supportive and tactfully enquired, every so often, whether we had “resolved” our problem. After a while, to avoid embarrassment, I said that we had. How I wish that I had been honest with her rather than hiding from the truth. After my wife’s second hospitalisation, she had a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder which she had read was genetic. So, not wishing to pass it on to any children we might have, I reluctantly agreed to stop trying to have sex (not that we were) in case she got pregnant. I do not think my wife ever considered how this decision impacted me. Even my suggestion that I could have a vasectomy was rejected as not being foolproof enough. So, our sex life continued as before. Thankfully, she remained relatively stable on her medication for 20+ years but was always plagued by anxiety. She coped with this by drinking far more alcohol than she should. This did not feel like a time to seek help. Perhaps I should have sought help on my own. More than ten years ago, my wife passed through the menopause. With the possibility of pregnancy being removed, I had hoped we might resume trying to have sex. She even bought a new vibrator and lubrication, which I suggested she might use to explore her vagina. However, I do not think she ever attempted this as she was still resistant to any penetration. Whenever I suggested that we try to have sex, it was never the right time or place. On one occasion, when we were on our summer holiday in 2015, she suddenly appeared naked in the hallway of the apartment in which we were staying and led me to the bedroom. She had been experimenting with her vibrator and wanted me to masturbate her. This was only the second time we had been naked in bed together (including our wedding night). When I could feel that she was lubricated I gently tried to manually probe her vagina, but she was still resistant to any penetration. What was I doing wrong? I was so disappointed at yet again being denied the opportunity to show what I could do sexually. Not for the first time, I felt like a failure and blamed myself, but my wife (as always) said nothing to ease these feelings. Starting the following year, my wife had a series of relapses (about once every 6 months for about 3 years) which each followed the same pattern of behaviour as previously described until she was prescribed the right medication to keep her stable. Afterwards, her anxiety became even worse than before but she now drinks much less alcohol. Again, this did not feel like a time to seek help. How I wish I had sought help on my own. Three years ago during our summer holiday, I yet again raised the issue of our limited sex life. She finally admitted that when we got married (and before) she was scared that vaginal penetration might hurt (but never thought to test this). Her solution was to never have sex with me. Even though she knew that her solution would affect us both, she chose not to confide her fear to me even though she must have known that I would have wanted to help her. It was as though she just did not care. These revelations have hit me hard and I continue to have great difficulty coming to terms with them. It never occurred to me that my wife could be so callous and uncaring. 6 months later, I started to experience erectile problems. My doctor prescribed medication which thankfully relieved the problem. During a follow-up consultation, I disclosed that my wife and I had never had penetrative vaginal sex. Subsequently, he arranged sexual counselling for her. These (online) sexual counselling sessions must have been effective as she started to allow me to touch her more intimately. I think this has made masturbation for her much more pleasurable; she climaxes more often than not. Afterwards, she sometimes allows me to manually probe her vagina a little. She also told me that she had probed her vagina with her vibrator sometime since her revelation, adding that it had not hurt despite not using any lubrication. My wife and I have known each other for nearly 44 years. When we first met, I quickly realised that just being with her made me happy. In return, my love for her has always been unconditional. By contrast, my wife has always seemed to prioritise her happiness over mine and sees no problem with leaving nearly all the household duties to me. At first, this rankled, but I have reluctantly come to accept it over time. Even so, when she was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I did not hesitate to continue looking after her. I have never tired of her company. She is my best friend and, despite everything, I love her dearly; there are still so many positives to our relationship. I appreciate that during our marriage (and before) her irrational fear of the pain of vaginal penetration must have felt real for her. She says she was “too embarrassed” to tell the sexual counsellor (after her second hospitalisation) about her fear. For the same reason, (which I do not believe) she also chose not to tell me. I always felt the lack of sex in our marriage was my fault and I longed for the opportunity to put things right. My wife never said anything to ease these feelings (until her revelation 3 years ago). I now realise that when we married (and at other points in our marriage) and sex did not happen I should have been more courageous and insisted we seek professional help. However, when my wife said that “things” would sort themselves out I naively believed she was telling the truth. I had no idea that she was capable of such callousness and deceit. She has always been very secretive in the lead-up to an episode. So, I suppose she may have been ill even when she appeared well. I let my love for her cloud my judgment. In the weeks after we first met and given the intensity of our passion (we could not keep our hands off each other), I had hoped that we would have sex. For me, it would have been the natural expression of our love. I have never felt I was entitled to have sex with my wife. However, I think as a loving and caring partner/husband, I was entitled to be treated with honesty. Was that too much to ask? I cannot help feeling betrayed that, by choosing not to share her fears with me, my wife has denied us this fundamental experience. She professes that she loves and cares for me. Yet, whenever I have asked how her callousness and deceit could be construed as such I have only ever been met with silence. It is hard to discern that she has ever experienced any “embarrassment” or regret for what she has done. All I have ever wanted for us is a normal sex life - is that too much to ask for? Even though she says she wants to have sex with me one day (just not yet) I cannot help feeling that she is still not being honest with me. She has proved to herself that painless vaginal penetration is possible but I still feel that, apart from the fear of the penetration itself, there are more issues that she seems unwilling to confront; not least her reluctance to be naked with me in bed. I have always respected my wife’s autonomy. Was it unreasonable of me to expect that she would respect mine? I now know that my wife chose not to have sex with me before and after we got married. Only she knows why she also chose not to tell me the reasons. It is disappointing to realise just how unimportant my feelings were/are to my wife. What should I do?