Well, after five years of definitely a less than sexless marriage, three times in all, we finally had THE CHAT! He says he loves me and finds me attractive but each night thinks 'I'll wait till tomorrow.' Yes, tomorrow never comes... no pun intended. He's a closed book usually but told him how unloved unattractive I felt. I've been patient but not so desperate for sex that I would cheat... but one passionate kiss at least. Not much to ask.
So every night we'll be in bed and I may as well be sleeping next to a stone. He wouldn't notice if I had old pj's on or nice lingerie or even naked. He's only 40. Now he does have health issues and is now depressed. But last week I asked him if he relieved himself. He said 'Yes last week' and I know it would be to porn. So, no I am not upset that he can't be intimate. I'm angry. If you've no sex drive yet can't respond to your partner naked next to you but can do that, then you are either a liar or keeping something from me. Then he admitted he also feels untrusted.
Well, over five years ago I found a secret twitter account where he'd been tweeting a female workmate - way too flirty. He had worked with her every night for eight years. I'd never heard of her. Reading the tweets I was stunned. I'm all for having friends but then to see 'thanks for visiting'?? He had visited her at home once then it was twice but both times with friends when she had broken her leg. If he had told me I would have said get her some flowers but it was the week I was in hospital with pneumonia and he couldn't visit me.
He wouldn't add me on Facebook but liked all her (sorry) slutty pics and a man's work leaving do turned out to be hers as I found out later and he'd been liking her outfit pic in the bathroom just before he went and rolled in at 6am. He finally understood he'd been disrespectful and after another 18 months I finally said, 'Enough, take her off twitter and Facebook.' I would have done it instantly if I had been behaving like that. He did. She moved job and got a boyfriend. It's the sneakiness. He said he had never had a woman as a friend and it was work banter.
I let it go and accepted he'd not carry it on. But the visiting at home was still niggling so I sent her a polite text... She said he'd never mentioned a partner once and was very secretive but he visited twice, both times alone. Even when I told him what she said he still lied to my face. Just the last few months I've got over the lies and deceit and after our chat I asked how he got there. Nice. two buses there and back. He then had another female at work start the same but he said he'd nipped it in the bud.
Partly I felt I had caused his depression by taking his 'friend' away. So you can see where the mistrust comes in. Sometimes I've pretended to be asleep when he gets home so as not to feel like a stranger in my own bed but all he says partly I believe. But funny that all the intimacy stopped exactly the time she popped up on twitter etc. He's great in all other ways but now I'm getting to the point where I think uuck... Do I really want to sleep with him never mind be intimate? And days I want to say 'Leave the car keys and door keys'.
I just wish I knew if he was being truthful and things could improve or do I say adios thanks for the memories? Nightmares. It's his only day off today and jokingly I said, 'You know tonight's the night?' He laughed and said, 'Yes, takeaway and a movie.' FFS is he just dim, depressed, or a snide two-faced liar?
I'm at the end of my tether and 20 years together can't drag on if it's one sided. I don't need him, I want him but I want him to want me or at least take drama lessons. I still think he's carrying a torch for her and his porn watching has got him to a point where he can't do the deed with a real person. Sorry, long rant but not told anyone before.
So, any advice? Lying using snake or a depressed man? I have tried to help. Do I cut my losses while I love him or let him stay as a roommate which is all he feels like and be taken over by bitterness? The trust issue is his burden. Trust has to be re-earned when broken or am I just putting two and two together and making five and overreacting?