Hello everyone, I've been needing to get something off my chest for a long time now. It's something very personal and I can't bring myself to talk to anyone in my social circle or family, because I feel very embarrassed, neglected and as if something is wrong with me.
I've been seeing my partner for about 10 months now. For context, I haven't had very many sexual partners as I've always been in committed relationships since my teens (and am now 24). My partner (28) on the other hand has had many sexual partners and has never been in a committed relationship before me, and would, I quote, "pump and dump". So a very big player who would just fuck around, pardon my language. At the beginning of the relationship, physically everything was great, we were both very into each other and would be intimate almost every time we saw each other.
However, after 4/5 months of being together, the physical intimacy became much more scarce. He would never initiate, or say he was tired. I was the one always initiating and trying to be intimate, and they would just make up an excuse or laugh it off like a joke. I would try everything, wearing sexy lingerie while walking around the apartment, joining them in the shower, walking and lying around naked... And they would just either ignore it or react as if I was making a joke. And now it's gotten to a point where I'm too worried about rejection to even try anymore, and it's such a horrible feeling knowing that if I don't try, they'll never even bother to initiate (which is the sad reality).
It's just feels so humiliating, that the person that's meant to love me and be attracted to me doesn't even want to touch me. He talks long term goals, including marriage, potentially having kids and buying property together, so I know he's not cheating on me and is very much attracted to me still. I am considered by societies standards as conventionally attractive, and receive a lot of attention from the opposite sex. But I don't get any from the person I love, and it makes me feel as if I'm disgusting or something is wrong with me. I feel so ashamed and humiliated, and am so worried because we're not even a year into our relationship and we're already having intimacy issues, and we're both a young couple who should theoretically be in their prime physically.
There are also issues when we are intimate. I only climax from oral, not from penetrative sex. He said when we first started seeing each other, that he was a "selfless lover" and couldn't selfish if he wanted to be, because he got off on his partner getting off. And he couldn't get me to climax through regular sex, and I did tell them I could only climax through oral, and then he just gave up. He doesn't even try. In the 10 months we've been together, I can count the number of times he's gone down on me on one hand. And he always says how he "loves" how I taste and makes these remarks like "I can't wait for dessert" or something along those lines, but then never actually does it. So it makes me feel so dejected and as if I'm dirty and disgusting.
I'm at a point where I don't know what to do anymore, I feel as though I've given up. Even going to bed, he doesn't cuddle and normally comes to bed after I've already fallen asleep.so I just end up crying myself to sleep. I don't know what to do anymore, I just feel so alone and dejected.