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How do I leave or should I?

My apologies for the length here but it is a lot to cover.

I have been married over 30 years. Throughout our marriage, intimacy has been an issue as it always seemed to be a burden to her and she was often unresponsive. I raised the issue many times but to no avail. In hindsight we should tried marriage counseling. However she has a phobia of doctors so therapy that she needed was out.

She has self esteem issues, panic attacks and depression, which she hid the severity of till 20 years into the marriage when her mother died.

You might ask why didn't I just leave? I was close several times but something always came up. One time my father had a heart attack and another my wife came down with breast cancer. The biggest reason I stayed was a cloud of fear that she would harm herself if I left.

On multiple occasions she expressed she had no desire to live alarming her mother enough to share it with me. Coupled with her out of control sobbing while I was away on strike duty for 4 weeks I was convinced she would take her life if I left. She also spoke of such to our daughter who was 12 at the time. She made one apparent attempt or was sending strong signals by grabbing a bottle of pills and heading down the hall of our daughters university apartment. This was at a time we were arguing with her sister over settlement of her father's estate. Thankfully our daughter stopped her. I was not informed of either incident till months and or years later.

She also was talking to her doctor during a checkup and they were alarmed enough to refuse to release her unless we agreed to go immediately to the hospital for evaluation.

Let me get to the point. After surviving several years sgi she informed me the rare moments of intimacy we had experienced was no longer part of our marriage. Needless to say I was upset but gave it some time. Well, after several years I saw it was true. At age 55 she expected the rest of my life to be celebrate with her.

I began chatting. There were a few casual connections but nothing serious. Finally after 3 years from her proclamation I wanted to meet one contact and ventured outside our marriage to fill that burning desire and try to experience some true passion for the first time. The chemistry was instant and we began seeing each other regularly one day a week. After a while I began working late a day or two each week and my wife began to have suspicions. Finally she confronted me. I admitted I was having an affair. She fell apart crying almost non stop, which lasted for days then weeks. But first I should that night I admitted she sent me a text threatening to harm herself if I didn't stop the affair. I firmly questioned her and determined she was acting out of emotion and not serious. Ironically a couple days later she told our son had I not been scheduled to work from home the next day she would have taken her life. Guess what? That next day while I was working from home she and our an closed out an account with out nest egg!.

Given the history I still have concerns as do our grown children who agreed she should move in with our daughter for a while.

During that time I went to live with my love who is the love of my life. We are very much in love and when it comes to the indicators you read about what makes a soulmate we check every box. It was wonderful to be together. We confirmed we would be great as a true full time couple.

Then my wife came back, still emotional but better. I've told her I won't stop seeing my love. I'm not sure what she plans to do. She said she doesn't want a divorce and to be alone.

So the question now is what to do? Do I stay and hope she will tolerate or even accept the affair or leave to gain happiness but always having that fear she might actually harm herself. She also has the kids feeling that same fear and not speaking to me.

I know what I want but hate to destroy her and that fear has been planted and stoked. She has often said if anything were to happen to me she wouldn't be far behind, which reinforces my fear leaving will destroy her. And given her emotional state for the last 2 months the kids fear it too. Of course they blame me for her emotional state as they don't know the entire story and only see their mom devastated and out of control.

I've learned she is emotionally fragile but apparently is thnkng about the future expressing to our son she worries she might not get a share of an upcoming pension. So it sounds like the fest may be unnecessary but still the controlled sobbing when I admitted to the affair might be nothing like if I truly leave.

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