I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 6 years. We got together when we were 15 and now I’m we are both 21. We have had an amazing 6 years, we have done lots together and get on really well. I suffer with anxiety and on two occasions (one being 2019 and the other being now) I have really doubted my relationship and got myself in such a state that my brain does overtime and thinks of every possible reason to leave.
My brain is constantly switching between happy and unhappy and I don’t know what I really feel. Sometimes I feel like I don’t love him but I also really don’t want to leave. Sometimes I reconsider that thought and feel like there are feelings there and that I want to make it work. When I got my first job at 16, there was a colleague there that I really liked. You could say that work was really enjoyable because of him. I made it clear I liked him and messaged him a little. I also did this with one other colleague but didn’t feel the same. My boyfriend knows about this as I couldn’t not tell him. I haven’t worked at this place for nearly 4 years but I still think about him all the time.
A few months back I did think oh my good I haven’t thought about him in ages but now it’s come back again. I get this feeling of happiness when I think about him and as soon as someone mentions his name I smile. But I don’t want to feel this way as I want to be happy with my boyfriend and only have eyes for him. I feel terrible because I keep telling my boyfriend I don’t know what I want. I also keep thinking why do I keep thinking about someone else. I get scenarios in my head of things to do with this boy but also get scenarios with my boyfriend.
I have tried thinking about why he is always on my mind and what I can do to stop thinking about it. I have also read that it could be because there is something missing in my relationship. The only thing I can think of is that he made me laugh and smile whereas I feel like I haven’t laughed with my boyfriend in forever. I feel like I have an obsession with this boy and I want it to go away. It has been 4 years since I’ve spoken to him or seen him. Why is it still on my mind?