Hello, I’m new here and just want to share my experience if anyone out there can relate as well.
When I was 17, I met this guy who was two years older than me, he was 19. He was really cute, very outgoing and light of the life. I didn’t think too much of him as I was so naive and scared to get hurt by a guy so I was so quiet and reserved. Myself, my friends, him and his friends would always hangout together as a big group. We started chatting and got to know each other. I began falling for him and liking him so much. Whenever he texts me and I see his name pop up my heart would jump so fast and I would get crazy butterflies. We never really hung out alone we were always around our friends. We were both so young at the time but we both developed feelings for each other but just never confessed within each other.
He was the kind of person where if I never saw him for a long time, we always pick up where we left off and it was never awkward. It always felt right but my vulnerable over thinking ass is too afraid to get hurt by him because I knew I was falling deep for him and I denied how I truly felt.
I knew he had feelings for me too and he was also shy towards me. As time gone by, we would see each other once in a while. It became like when we’re both single it seems like something is always pulling us apart, when he’s single I was dating someone, and then when I’m single he was seeing someone. We were never really on the same page but our feelings were always there and the way he looks at me and how he talks to me or asks my friends about me I would get butterflies. He was a love that I never felt with anyone. I was just too young to truly understand what I truly felt.
Fast forward to several years later, I was 24 at the time and he was 26 years old. And at that time I was already in a 3 year relationship with a different guy. And I haven’t seen the guy I always had love for in 2 years. I randomly saw him at a party and I was in complete shocked. We both reunited and talked about the good old days. I had so many mix emotions and I thought that I got over him when I met my boyfriend but for some reason I felt like all of my feelings for him came back and I felt so horrible like I was cheating on my boyfriend but I wasn’t. It felt so beautiful to catch up and see how he was doing as we both aren’t kids anymore and we both grown up. The whole night I was so happy and also so scared because I was scared that my boyfriend would find out some how even though he wasn’t even there. Again, I held myself back on the guy I always had love for.
That night he asked me if I ever liked him. Never in years he has never asked me that. And all I said was “yea.. I did” when really I just wanted to explode all of my true feelings but I felt horrible because I was already in a relationship. That night when I went home I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I felt like I missed him so much. I just wanted to call him and see him and meet up and go for a walk or something but I didn’t want to be unfaithful to my boyfriend so I never said a word. Ever since that day I never stopped thinking of him.
10 months later, my best friend calls me and tells me that he had died. My heart dropped, sank and felt like it got ripped right open. I didn’t even know what to feel. I cried all night, for days and months to years and years.
I regretted so much the last time I saw him, I wish I would have just open up and tell him how I truly felt. I never realized that I actually really did love him until he died. And I really wish he knew. But I know that he knows even though not in my world but on the other side of the world. I feel him and he sends me signs that he’s here with me.
It’s been 7 years since he’s gone and finally it has taken me 7 years to accept that he’s no longer here and I’ve learned to forgive myself and not regret anything in life. So my advice to you if you are reading this, please express your heart and your soul. Don’t hide it. Do what you love and chase it. Tell that person you love them. Don’t hold back anymore life is too short to save it for another day or “when the time is right”. There is no right time do it now and better to feel like a fool than to ever wonder what it would feel like if you did got the chance to pour your heart out.