“Am I incapable of real love?”
I have failed four times at marriage, a dozen times at romantic relationships, lived with 10 different girlfriends for varying periods of time, and had sex with approximately 130 women in my lifetime. I'm not incapable of love or commitment; in fact, my relationships have almost always ended because I discovered that I was being deceived or manipulated or betrayed by my woman. Many of them, when I asked "Why did you stay with me if you thought so little of me, and didn't respect me?" said that it was because I am very attentive in bed. I have heard it enough to realize that there has to be some truth to the sentiment, but I'm struggling to find a solution, because I am in a hell that is indescribable.
I'm unable to NOT be enthusiastic in bed with a woman, because, frankly, if she's in my bed, my interest is genuine, and it isn't something I can fake, or hide. I've had conversations before a relationship gets serious enough for sex, in which we both agreed that we were not looking for commitment, yet were very much down for exclusivity, so we were able to maintain our individuality and sense of independence, blah blah blah..
So, basically, my conundrum is no more than: Why can't I have great sex with a great woman, who I love a great deal, without her transforming into a possessive, jealous, manipulative liar, who claims to be IN LOVE with me, yet ultimately confesses that she was really just with me because I'm the biggest woman-worship sex freak they'd ever been with and were hesitant to let it go, thus giving up, but hated the fact that I wanted to break it off with HER when I realized that her "love" was lacking ANY respect for me, and oftentimes, for herself as well.
Am I a hopeless man-whore? Am I incapable of real love? Am I unworthy of real love? Is it possible that being coerced into sexual intercourse at age six by a girl who was 16 has somehow hardwired me to be permanently FUCKED when it comes to finding real love? At the time of this writing, I've broken up with my girlfriend of six months just about an hour ago, for refusing to stop telling senseless lies to everyone in her life, among other issues. She actually said (jokingly?) to her bff "...yeah but he's got a great big ding dong so it's worth it."
Just how fucking broken am I? I have avoided telling the woman I truly am in love with for seven years now, because I don't want to end a wonderful friendship, but I love her so much it is painful. We hang out almost every day. We don't hug, touch, kiss, flirt, just smoke weed and talk philosophy, play darts and listen to music, visit with other friends, things like that. How can I risk fucking all that up, just because I want to make love to her? How BROKEN am I???