My fiancée and I have been together for over 10 years, and we have a child together. We recently went on a family trip with my parents, my siblings, and their kids along with a childhood family friend who lives up the road from us. While on the trip we have group texts to keep in contact with everyone this includes the family friend.
After we get back from the trip, I learn my fiancée is still texting the family friend. She insists it's nothing and they are just friends and she is happy she found a guy friend she can talk to that doesn’t want to sleep with her. I tell her about his past and how he behaves along with he will not think of this that way. I tell her I am not comfortable, and I set a boundary of no sexual talk/jokes because she does that very often. Their texting continues and it is very excessive, 100’s and 100’s of text a week.
Fast forward a few weeks we go out on a date night, dinner, and drinks. Later that night after picking up our child from my parents I noticed she was texting and smiling in the vehicle while waiting for us. I had a funny feeling, and this led me to check our phone records to see who she’s texting, the bill doesn’t show what she texts just who and the timestamps. Looking at the records I found she was texting while on our date when I wasn’t around such as getting drinks at the bar, restroom and picking up our child. I confront her on this and how it feels as if she’s going behind my back to text him on a night that is suppose to be about us enjoying each other.
At this point I tell her I am very hurt and feel betrayed, we agree that moving forward she would ask if she could text him. While she did ask a lot I always said yes. It was for my personal knowledge and ease of mind, I didn’t care what they messaged about either. A few times she would ask and then text the next day without asking again then say it was from last night, as if a roll over minutes type scenario.
Fast forward 2 months I am out to dinner with my brothers and they inform me that she had messaged him ‘want to fuck’ and the family friend showed them the message while out at a bar one night. In addition to this I also found out she went to his house late at night to ask for a ride to work the next morning, my vehicle being in the shop we were down to one car to get to and from work and school.
When I get home she asks if she could text him and before I answer I ask to see her phone. I start scrolling through the message and sure enough I found the ‘want to fuck’ message. I start getting angry and said you broke my only rule, the trust is ruined, and I am done. While arguing she tries to deflect to our past relationship problems to avoid the current issue. She doesn’t think it’s a big deal since the message was in reference to a meme that states ‘Her: He’s just a friend. Me: Ok then, text him you want to fuck and see what he says’. She didn’t mention in the chat with him that it was a joke until later in the text conversation. I tell her that’s beside the point she broke the only rule I had about no sexual talk/jokes, and I had to hear about it from my family along with that she went up to his house late at night. She said she was out for a walk and while out she was thinking of not wanting getting our child up early to drive her to work and she knew he was working in a nearby area. I tell her she crossed the line and was in the wrong. If she had concerns about the driving arrangements, she should have brought them up to me and we could have worked it out. I even said the joke thing probably wouldn’t have been that bad if she just told me after and said it was a mistake but that never happened.
We have been arguing for a while and she thinks going to his house wasn’t a big deal but does acknowledge the joke shouldn’t have been said and that broke my trust. The funny thing is I was about to tell her she didn’t need to keep asking me to text him anymore but after this I cannot trust her. She is admitted that she loves me and would never cheat and throw away ten years, but people cheat all the time after 20 or 30 years. She thinks I should believe what she is saying but she could be saying these things because she thinks it’s what I want to hear and will make this all go away. I told her I needed a break, and she will be staying with a friend for a while, and I will take care of our child.
I don’t know if I am overacting or if my thoughts and feelings are justified by all of her actions and words.