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In-laws family controlling / overshadowing

I’ve been nervous to speak on this on any platform, however I’ve reached my ultimate breaking point. My husband of 3 years is very kind hearted, often having a hard time telling his family no. For context, he is 2nd generation Asian American, coming from a family who traveled across seas for a better life and have worked incredibly hard to be where they are today. The issue lies with how they constantly guilt him into visiting or attending multiple gatherings even with us being hours away, yet they never visit? Never once have they visited us, and even passed through our home town without a word (which means they traveled right through us).

We are two different ethnicities, while it is beautiful to be interracially married, the stress of being perfect is crushing. There’s never a warm feeling during any visit and I always get chalked up to be just the white girl. I’ve had a life changing surgery and nearly lost my life but, his family gave no signs of care. I was hospitalized for 10 days, yet no calls or even FaceTimes to see how I was doing. Yet if someone gets sick where they are, it’s end of the world for them. There’s no much connection or care for me or my side. I’ve noticed it’s all about “family” but more so on the constant need to one up each other. If there is a single accomplishment for me, they do not care. I don’t expect anyone to bend over backwards for me, but even a congrats or simple I care about you goes a long way.

To make matters worse his sibling is perfect at sports, singing, and never has anything against her. She acts purposefully dumb for the attention of my husband (brother) when around. She acts incredibly cold and distant when near me. I really do feel like our ethnicities clash, buts such a harsh topic. I can’t see eye to eye, nor can they. There’s a tight family bond, and a controlling bond.

On top of that we’re expected to move closer,, basically giving up our own life just to be “near” the family. I personally have never understood that, why can’t we just live where we want and then visit? My own family lives multiple states away and there’s no pressure to move to them. I don’t know how much longer I can personally stand to be with my husband. If we move, I’ll just be miserable and left out at all other get together or just the random white woman who married into the family.

You know what we did for our honeymoon? Spend two weeks with his family, not a single day or trip for us. Petty to hold onto that, but there’s never a moment for us, a celebration of us, it has to always draw back to them. There’s always been something to cover my accomplishments or my husbands each time. I’m supposed to celebrate one year cancer free this week, but something magically came up about his sister. I feel that I can’t win against this family. I know they love my husband, but when is enough enough? Do we have to do what is “expected” of family. I’ve never understood not wanting to go where you want to vs going where you’re expected.

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