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I am a liar

So… I really don’t know where to start from… I’m 15… yup I’m underaged that’s the reason I cannot go for serious mental health treatment.. cause my parents think teenagers like me cannot have any problem with their mental health… I mean they ain’t wrong I literally have nothing to be depressed over…but I still wanna end my life most of the time… my parents are hard workers they work day and night for me to be happy.. we have loans on our heads but they always stay so calm about it in front of me… I’m from a middle class family and my parents try their best to make me a happy person…and as a result, they have crazy high expectations from me… they tell me they see potential in me to fulfill their expectations…as a result when I doubt myself (which now that I think turns out to be literally every day) I end up having a quarrel with them…they do say mean comments to me…but their actions are justified…

My mood is off literally every day without any reason…actually not every day but most of the time. And when I’m not sad and sulking over my non-existential problems, I’m hyperactive.. I have got this wired tendency of lying about fake scenarios…mostly about my parents beating me up…or body shaming me…well they, I mean my mom does that…but not every day or week…she does it only when she sees that I’m getting indiscipline… well back to fake scenarios.. I tell them to my friends just because I want sympathy…why would I do this… I realize later that I’m painting my parents as the bad guys in my life…

I’m living under a lot of confusion… I lie about my mental health…I lie about most of the things… this email may be the first time I’m being completely honest with someone… a stranger…because I’m too scared to tell this to anyone else… and even if I get jugged by the receiver of this email…I won’t know that…

Back to my abnormal mind… so my actual problem is that.. I feel I’m worthless… but sometimes I think I deserve better… to be more precise I have 2 types of moods… one in which I’m Hella overconfident about everything… my body…my face… my life…myself…I love everything… and then there is the 2nd type… which is opposite to the first one.. I feel sad…unhappy with myself… worthless… stupid…. A faulty for every problem in my life…. in others life… I hate my body …. I hate myself ….

Most of the time I feel the second mood…to be more precise I actually love being in my sad and depressive mood… I hate being happy…not because I think I don’t deserve it… (well I do when I’m in my second mood).. but because for some reason I love being sad… I really thought this was depression… but I really don’t have a reason to be depressed.. I feel like an attention-seeking girl within my friend circle because I’m have lied countless times to them… they ask me why is my mood off I say I don’t know…they say there has to be a reason… I come up with a lie… and tell them their life is better off me… and everything goes back to normal… at this point, I feel like a burden to them… and honestly they got really annoyed the last time when I was in my depressive episode… I genuinely feel like a burden to them t this point…and well this depressive episode which I’m having is not going away…it usually lasts for a week or so… but this time it has been 2.5 weeks… and as I’m trying to lessen the burden I’m being to my friend I thought over it…. It’s really the time where I need to find out what’s wrong with me… it will be good for everyone… no I haven’t tried self-harm… I had many triggers this past week… but something in me stopped me from cutting my wrist…

One more thing I have body image issues … I feel fat 24/7…except when I’m in my happy mood…. I do starve myself sometimes…

The main point of writing all this to you is because…I feel something is wrong with me… and I need to know what is it… I may sound like a lunatic to you… but I hope I’m not the only person in the world feeling all this.. and if I am… well help me to become normal… I’m tired of being like this… I just can’t help it…

Hope you can help me… it actually feels good to type out and tell someone what’s going on inside me… I hope I won’t judged to bad for this…

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