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“We argue constantly”

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little under a year. At first it was amazing. He treasured me so much and made me feel like I was his complete world. He has made a few mistakes along the way but always fought to rectify them and made sure that I knew how sorry he was. None of the mistakes were massive.

Lately, everything just seems to have changed and we just seem to be arguing constantly, no matter how hard we try. He struggles with communication and doesn’t talk about his problems due to his childhood where he had to learn to deal with things on his own and couldn’t rely on others to be there for him. Due to this, I rarely know what’s going on inside his head and I think that sometimes, he doesn’t even know what’s going on inside his head. It can often take a good hour or two of me talking to him before he starts to open up. Until then, he appears to just shut down. Lately when we argue, he says that he is fed up and doesn’t think we will work and that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

But when we are fine again, he says that he doesn’t ever mean that, that he doesn’t want to lose me and that he’s only saying these things because he’s feeling low at the time – he struggles with low mood but hasn’t been diagnosed with depression. The way he talks to me during arguments and how he treats me generally have changed. We’ve sat down and discussed the things that need changing (communication being the key thing, especially in arguments). We’ve been working on these things and although we do sometimes go into old habits again, generally our communication and how we handle arguments is a lot better (taking time away before the argument escalates, being constructive instead of just digging at each other).

There are also things that he needs to change, such as lying which has been an issue. He now seems to be being far more truthful to me, even if he knows that I won’t like what I hear. Having said all of that, when we argue he always just says that nothing has changed and that nothing will ever change. When we aren’t arguing, he acknowledges that things are slowly changing and that these things don’t just happen over night.

The thing I struggle with is that I don’t know which is the truth... is he telling the truth when in an argument or just saying it to get at me? Does he say the truth when things are good or just say what he thinks I want to hear? I’m worried about our future and whether things will ever get easier.

Currently, I am the one fighting for our relationship because he is in a low place anyway and struggles to talk, and then we have the constant arguments on top. He also told me that he has insecurities and he’s convinced that the inevitable is that I am going to leave him for someone else someday, which I think puts him in the mindset that there’s no point in fighting for something that is going to end anyway. Will things ever get easier or are they destined to be doomed?

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