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“Confused between two boys”

I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years. I loved him. It was a nice relationship. I felt happy with him, safe, calm. We would have arguments in which he would say a lot of things in anger on top of which he would never apologise first. After I confronted him and told him that he was wrong then he would realise and felt bad for it.

After a year, I met another boy at a college event. We immediately clicked. We had this strange eye contact. I was nervous around him and he could make me smile. My boyfriend got very insecure about him. In fact, I might admit I had a crush on him. I always wanted to be around him. This kept going for another year. The other boy (let’s say Sam )and I became really close friends. My boyfriend and I had a lot of fights over him but it was only friendship between Sam and me.

I will admit that I always had a crush on him and I would text him a lot. I wanted to tell him every detail about my life. I starting thinking of same while listening to music or watching movies. Then one day my boyfriend and I had an argument. We were already having fights from 3-4 months and we broke up. After that I only spent my time with Sam. As my boyfriend never used to try to come back he didn’t try this time either but earlier I would. Since I was hanging out with Sam this time I didn’t try hard enough.

After a month, Sam and I kissed. I decided that I will move on and get along with Sam but whenever I would see my ex. I would drift away from Sam. It was like how I felt for Sam while I was in a relationship. For 3 months I tried to move on and forget all about my relationship but since it was too soon and too much history it would come back as flashes and I would drift away from Sam. This inconsistency was hurting him so I decided to end things with Sam.

Earlier I told him to wait for me but today I asked him to move on because the thought that what if I am unable to move on and I go back to my ex I wouldn’t want Sam to be waiting. I have feelings for both of them. When I am with one of them I forget about the other one but when I am away I constantly think about the one I don’t have. It’s like I am confused between them both. Although my ex and I have broken up and Sam wants to move on but I still believe I have one more shot to make things right. I have hurt my ex over Sam and Sam over my ex.

Now I want to make the right decision without the distraction of talking to any of the two. Really think about who do I actually want and stick to one. Sam makes me laugh , compliments me gives me butterflies but my ex made me feel content, calm, happy too.

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