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“The end of an affair”

Two years ago, I became great friends with someone I met through work. A year into our friendship, it became more and we started an affair. We are the same age, both married, and have been for over 25 years each. We both have children. For my part the intimacy in my marriage disappeared about nine years ago and although on the whole we get along I have missed the sex and have often felt sad and lonely. For years I tried to repair and discuss our issues but now I have lost the desire for my husband which I suppose lead to the affair. I can honestly say that I wasn't looking for anything outside of my marriage. I just shut down the feelings I had.

When the affair began I confess to having very little guilt about sharing my body with someone new. Sex happened only a handful of times in the first six months and not at all from then on but I quickly fell in love. I never made any demands on him to leave his wife and family. I honestly would have continued happily as we were. However, for my lover, the guilt was to much and after 12 months I ended it as I couldn't bear to see his emotional struggle any longer. I'm struggling to cope with the loss of the relationship which is not helped by him wanting to stay friends.

I now feel such a myriad of emotions  grief, loss, anger, jealousy and finally guilt. It took its time but there it is. However much I try to move on and forget him, I cannot seem to. The loss of my friend is such a physical pain that I sometimes feel I might curl up and die from it. I keep trying to look at the situation from outside with as rational a view as I can and whilst I know my faults and his it doesn't seem to take away the grief I feel.

I haven't shared any of this with another living soul except for him which is why I'm on here I guess. I don't know what I'm looking for, possibly absolution or advice on how to move forward? Please be kind, I don't know if I could cope with outside hate, it's pretty tough from the inside already.

Comments 3
Nijael111 | 5
I’m sorry you’re going through this be patient with yourself and try to find love In other places in your life
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Gizmo175 | 1
I am sorry to hear you are in pain. It makes me sad to see anyone in turmoil like this. Breakups are hard no matter the situation. I can only imagine how you feel. My ex-husband cheated on me and it was devastating. It took me a very long time to heal and to forgive him. At the time I told him that he had to live with the choices that he had made and that it may be a far greater punishment than anything I could ever bestow on him. It took me 10 years to talk to him and when we talked he told me that the guilt and the emotions that he had endured ate at him almost everyday. To this day he says it still is there and he wished that he could take it all back. I won’t ever scold you or say mean words because even though what happened is something I would never approve of, I feel bad that you are hurting. I do believe though that the feelings that you are experiencing are exactly what one would experience in your shoes. It is gonna be one moment, one breath at time for the healing to begin. You are gonna have to experience all of this to get yourself back and hopefully find some peace again. I hope you can get back on track with your husband no matter what that outcome may be. It is gonna take a lot of faiths, courage and love. Best of luck to you.
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Daisychain | 2
Thankyou for your reply and for being so kind. I cannot justify our actions except to say that neither of us are bad people or would wish to hurt those we love but both our situations are complex, both of our spouses had previously cheated on us. That is in no way an attempt at justification just a window into the complexity of our feelings. I still find it hard to function but I'm smiling where I could cry. Every day I battle with the internal demon not to contact or engage with my lover. I have never felt such grief and I miss him beyond all explanation. Maybe one day this will get better.