In time, many separated parents will move on and start meeting new partners. Some children – particularly older ones – will be glad to see you happy and getting on with your life. For others, however, it isn’t always that simple, and your children’s reactions to your new partners may not be as positive as you would like. If your child has dealt with lots of changes in their lives, it might be helpful to delay making introductions to new partners. Your child may feel threatened by a new partner, and start to resent them. They may worry that they’ll have to share your attention with this new person, or that they’ll be replaced in your affections. Don’t try not to force the relationship between your new partner and your child. Give everyone time and space to adjust to adjust to the new situation. Avoid making introductions until you know the future of the relationship. Many children form very positive relationships with their parents’ new partners and can become attached to them. If your relationship doesn't last, your children risk being hurt at a time when they are already dealing with significant changes in their lives. Before you start making introductions, talk to your child’s other parent. This may be a difficult conversation to have, but it will ultimately benefit your child if everyone is aware of the changing situation and can react accordingly.

When you enter a relationship with a separated parent, it can be hard to know how to play things when it comes to your partner’s children. When parents separate, their children often hold on to the hope that their mum and dad will someday get back together. Older children may be more aware of some of the problems that led to the separation but still struggle to accept that their parents are no longer a couple. Whatever age your children are, they may struggle to adjust to their mum or dad finding a new partner, or even dating. This will need careful handling. As the parent, you may well pick up signals from your child and recognise how they are dealing with the change. Each situation is unique and the best way to handle it depends on several issues – the children’s ages, the relationship they have with the other parent, the stage at which you and your partner get together, and whether you have children too. As the new partner, you could find yourself caught up in parenting conflicts between your partner and the children’s other parent. It might feel like you are being tested and caught up in family difficulties that you would rather avoid. Meeting your partner’s children can be daunting, and figuring out the nature of your involvement can be even more so. The following tips can help you avoid some of the potential pitfalls Don't rush things. Allow the relationship to develop slowly and don't expect the children to love you or even like you straightaway. However much the children test your patience, aim for a relationship where you respect each other and treat each other fairly. Be prepared to take a back seat when the children are around. Accept that it is not a competition - the bond between parents and children is always going to come first. Make it clear that you understand your partner's first responsibility is to the children. This will help take pressure off both of you - your partner will need to hear that you accept this. Be patient – your partner can give you their undivided attention when the children are not around. Don’t try to be a substitute parent. Be supportive but don't expect to take on a parenting role. Don't criticise, complain or even joke about the other parent in front of the children. Children of all ages can struggle with loyalty issues, so be sensitive. Accept that there will need to be communication between your partner and their ex - partner about the children. Good communication is essential if things are going to work. Try to understand the loyalty conflicts your partner might be experiencing, even if they don't talk about it. There will be times when they feel pulled in several directions. Even if your partner’s children accept you very readily, try to give them some time alone so they can have their mum or dad’s undivided attention. Try to support your partner when they feel caught in the middle. If there are arguments and disagreements between your partner and their ex, remember that you’re only hearing one side of it. Try and talk to others who aren't involved - this might include friends who are in similar situations or anonymously here on Click. You may start to find that there are common issues, and that they can be worked through.

Handovers can be very difficult, especially if you are feeling awkward or upset at the prospect of facing your ex. You may have to exercise some self-control just to stay calm.If you still have very raw feelings about your ex, you may be tempted to use handovers as an opportunity to speak your mind. Keep in mind that children are very sensitive to the feelings and attitudes around them and that they will pick up on conflict between their parents. For your children’s sake, it’s important to try and make handovers as pleasant as possible.Some handover etiquette: Be courteous. Turn up on time – let the other parent know if you are delayed. Make sure the children have everything they need. Keep difficult conversations away from the children. If you are struggling with this, consider alternative ways of managing the handovers so that your children are protected. Dealing with change over time Transitions are difficult for everyone, especially in the early days. Coming face-to-face with your ex and saying goodbye to your children can bring up some very difficult feelings. It can help to have something planned for the time immediately following the handover so that you can remain upbeat. While it’s hard now, you may eventually come to value the opportunity to have some space to yourself.Children have their own feelings to cope with at handover time. They will need time to settle down, adjust to being in a different home, and get used to their mum or dad not being there. Transitions can be sad reminders to children that their parents aren't together anymore and it's not unusual for young children to come home from a weekend with the other parent in a bad mood. Understanding this can help you manage your expectations, and cope with any changes in your child's behaviour.

When parents separate and emotions are running high, it can be hard to find common ground, but the parenting relationship continues long after the couple relationships ends. You and your ex-partner will have to find a way to make it work, even if you have different parenting styles. Parenting styles   Parenting styles are not set in stone, but you might recognise bits of yourself or your ex in one of these: Authoritarian. Authoritarian parenting is a very strict style, with rules that aren’t to be questioned by children. It can be effective in the short term but may be damaging to children’s confidence and self-esteem [1]. Permissive. Permissive parenting has very few rules and parents tend to take on more of a friendship role. Children raised without clear boundaries sometimes struggle to cope with stress when they get older [2]. Authoritative. Authoritative parenting is more balanced. Rules and guidelines are explained to children, and balanced with warmth and caring. Children with this type of background tend to be more confident and socially responsible, and better at making decisions for themselves [1]. Parents whose styles differ can find it hard to reach agreements, even when they are together. If you’ve separated from your child’s other parent, it may seem impossible. But, if you work together, you’ll find you can reach compromises and ensure that your child’s best interests are prioritised [3]. Parenting after separation When parents split up, one of the biggest risks to children’s wellbeing comes from the increased conflict they witness. Having a positive relationship with your ex can minimise this risk [3], so it’s important to try and share parenting in a collaborative way. There are bound to be some disagreements but you can protect your children by making sure you don’t argue in front of them or put them in the middle of your conflict.  Don’t ask your children to spy on your ex. Don’t make them responsible for sharing information about living arrangements or money. Don’t use time spent with one parent or the other as a punishment or reward. Don’t lean on your children for emotional support when you are sad or angry about your separation. Don’t try to convince your children that you are right and your ex is wrong.  Work things out with your ex. Talk about what each of you feels is best for the children – not for yourselves – and agree to make compromises. Find common parenting ground There are some specific communication skills that can help you get on better with your ex-partner and get through the conversations that you need to have. The course Getting it Right for Children, can help you with these skills: Staying calm. Active listening. Seeing things from different perspectives. Speaking for yourself. Sticking to the rules. Negotiating solutions. Working things out, and trying the solutions you have agreed. The course is free and may help you to and your ex find solutions that make life easier for your children as they adjust to their new circumstances. Parents who have taken this course showed improvements in the following areas: Talking to their ex-partners about childcare. Keeping conflict away from children. Staying out of court. Keeping calm with ex-partners. Seeing things from each other’s points of view. Agreeing on childcare solutions [4]. These tools can help you get through the initial transition or a difficult period later on. Your parenting styles and your children’s needs will naturally develop over the course of time, so it’s always useful to be able to communicate well and reach compromises.  When disagreements arise, keep talking. When your styles clash again, look for common ground. Keep practising and remember: no matter how you and your ex-partner might feel about each other, the best solutions are the ones that work for your children. References [1] Baumrind, D. (1991). The Influence of Parenting Style on Adolescent Competence and Substance Use. The Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56–95. [2] Benson, M. J., Buehler, C., & Gerard, J. M. (2008). Interparental Hostility and Early Adolescent Problem Behavior: Spillover via Maternal Acceptance, Harshness, Inconsistency, and Intrusiveness. The Journal of Early Adolescence, 28(3), 428–454. [3] Chen, M. and Johnston, C. (2012). Interparent Childrearing Disagreement, but not Dissimilarity, Predicts Child Problems after Controlling for Parenting Effectiveness. Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, 41 (2), 189-201. [4] Getting it Right for Children: https://click.clickrelationships.org/content/parenting-apart/course-getting-it-right-for-children/