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Supporting a partner through depression

One in five people will experience a form of depression at some point in their lives [1]. If your partner is depressed, you can play an important role in helping them get better. Depression is more than just a low mood. It’s a prolonged illness, whose symptoms include a lack of energy, a loss of interest in things you might normally enjoy, feelings of low self-worth, and changes in sleep and appetite [2]. A sudden onset of depression in your partner can have an impact on your relationship. You may have to take on a temporary caring role, which can put unexpected strain on you [3]. Some of your partner’s symptoms can affect you too: Low mood. When your partner is feeling down most of the time, it can feel like you don’t have access to the person who is most important to you. Loss of interest and energy. Your partner may lose interest in the things you like doing together, like going out, cooking, and even sex. Concentration. Depression can affect concentration, even to the extent that your partner struggles to stay involved in a conversation. Sleep and appetite. You may notice changes in your partner’s eating and sleeping patterns, which can affect their mood even further. It can also disrupt your own eating and sleeping as established routines get lost. Low self-worth. You may notice your partner being more critical of themselves and possibly lashing out at you too [2]. You may also wonder if you are responsible for your partner’s mental health problems. While there are sometimes external causes, including relationship problems, depression can often come along out of nowhere [4]. You can play a positive role in your partner’s recovery [3]. One of the first things you can do is notice the signs of depression and encourage your partner to seek help. Often, the quickest route to support is through your GP, who can make a diagnosis and refer your partner to appropriate support. There are many forms of mental health support, but it’s likely that your partner will undertake some form of talking therapy. They may be given exercises to take home. You can offer support by encouraging your partner to complete the exercises or, if appropriate, by getting involved directly. Your partner’s doctor may recommend couples therapy, which has been shown to be effective for people with depression [5]. If this is recommended to your partner, it doesn’t mean that your relationship is in trouble; it just means that you are being asked to get involved in your partner’s recovery. Attending sessions together means you can be better informed and more involved. Whether you are directly involved in your partner’s treatment or not, there are many ways you can be supportive: Encourage them to seek support. Getting your partner into professional support is one of the best ways you can help. Learn about depression. Read up on depression and its symptoms. A good place to start is the OnePlusOne and NHS guide, ‘Depression and low mood: A guide for the partner’. Set aside blame. Accept that the illness is happening, and don’t blame your partner or yourself. It’s here, and it’s treatable, so just focus on recovery. Notice the signs. Be aware of your partner’s symptoms and the things that can set off an episode of depression. Get support if things seem to be getting worse. Solve practical problems. When someone is depressed, problems can be magnified and may seem insurmountable. You can help your partner by solving practical problems, which could be as simple as doing more than your share of housework for a little while. Listen more. Clear communication and active listening can help your partner to feel better supported and more in control. Do some exercise. Help your partner to get some gentle exercise, even if it’s just a walk around the block. This can have the added benefit of helping with sleep problems. Get your partner out of the house. While it might seem easier to avoid social situations, it’s often best to try and turn up to things that they would usually enjoy. Even if you plan just to go out for half an hour, you can help your partner break out of the loop of depression and inactivity. Notice what helps. What usually makes your partner feel better – a morning walk? Cooking a healthy meal? Make a note of what works, and encourage your partner to do more of it. Keeping a mood journal can also help you to show your partner that they have been making improvements, as they may find it hard to focus on the positives [6]. Seeing a partner go through depression can be upsetting but, with the right support, even the most severe cases can be treated. As with any illness, you should seek professional help if you are worried. Recovery is likely to be gradual, but it is possible, and you can play an important part. This article gives just a quick overview of how you can support a partner with depression. For a more in-depth look, we recommend reading, ‘Depression and low mood: A guide for the partner’, co-produced by OnePlusOne and Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation Trust. References [1] Bolton, J., Bisson, J., Guthrie, E., Wood., S. (2011) Depression: key facts. Retrieved from http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/problemsdisorders/depressionkeyfacts.aspx [2] NHS (2015). Low mood and depression - NHS Choices. Available at http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/pages/low-mood-and-depression.aspx [3] Crowe, M. (2004). Couples and mental illness. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 19:3, 309-318. [4] Hickey, D., Carr, A., Dooley, B., Guerin, S., Butler, E., & Fitzpatrick, L. (2005). Family and marital profiles of couples in which one partner has depression or anxiety. Journal of marital and family therapy, 31(2), 171-182. [5] Bodenmann, G., Plancherel, B., Beach, S. R., Widmer, K., Gabriel, B., Meuwly, N., ... & Schramm, E. (2008). Effects of coping-oriented couples therapy on depression: A randomized clinical trial. Journal of consulting and clinical psychology, 76(6), 944. [6] NICE (2009) Depression: The Treatment and Management of Depression in Adults (Update). NICE clinical guideline 90. Available at www.nice.org.uk/CG90.

Article | depression

Losing intimacy

Article | intimacy, sex

“Rejected by my husband”

My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for almost 10. When we were dating, he had a high sex drive, often pursued sex with me and never turned down my advances. A month after we were married he suffered a major concussion which compounded his mental illnesses. This caused him to lose all interest in sex. He rarely initiated it and rarely accepted my advances no matter what I tried, wore, or how I presented myself. As his injury healed over the next year, some improvements were made. During that time I became pregnant which complicated our sex life a bit. After our baby was born he lost all interest in sex with me and told me he was no longer attracted to me (even though I lost any post-baby weight two months after giving birth and was still wearing clothing that I wore during high school. Since then, our sex life has continued to suffer. Years later, he says he now finds me attractive and feels terrible for how he treated me in the beginning of our marriage. However, he still consistently turns me down when I come on to him. We have sex often but only in the mornings if he has time before work. He’s tried hard to heal the hurts he caused to my self esteem but when I do put myself out there sexually by wearing lingerie or by telling him I want him later then he seems barely interested and by the time “later” roles around it isn’t even on his mind. I am just so tired of continuing to put myself out there only to be rejected or overlooked again. I know he’s trying to make up for the horrible things he said about my body before but he still just doesn’t seem that interested in sex. I don’t know how to continue to put myself out there and risk him not prioritising responding to my efforts.

User article | sexless, mental health

“My boyfriend doesn't want sex”

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 7 months now. We love each other and get on amazingly well. However...he doesn't initiate sex with me. In the day he can be all over me, hugging and kissing me, holding my hand, saying how pretty I look and how attractive he thinks I am. This is all very well but I wish he'd show it in the bedroom! When we do have sex (usually initiated by myself) he finds it difficult to have an erection for more than ten minutes. I feel this is the root of the problem and is why he doesn't initiate sex with me. We've spoken about this many times trying to get to the root of the problem but with no luck! The funny thing is that throughout the day, he has no difficulty getting erect, but when it comes to having sex...this is another matter. A big problem now is that when I feel in the mood for sex I tend to fantasize about other people, including one of my exes who I was very sexually active with. I feel guilty for doing this, but find it difficult to fantasies about my current boyfriend as we hardly have sex!!! Please can someone offer me any advice about how to talk to my boyfriend about sex, how to make out relationship bit more spicy and whether I'm a bad person for fantasizing and thinking about my ex sometimes!! My relationships at the moment is going brilliantly in every department apart from this... I'd really appreciate your comments, Thanks.

Ask the community | sexless, intimacy

“My man has low sex drive, but looks at porn”

Hey everyone I'm having a tough time with this lately, and I would appreciate any constructive input you may have. I've been with my man for four years now and we recently got engaged a few months ago. Our first year together our sex life was great and frequent, but beyond that it has pretty much fallen off the map. I've brought it up to him a few times, keeping my cool but still showing my concern. He claims his libido is low, and that often he's tired, his body can't get to that point of intimacy, etc. I've been the one to try and initiate, but 99% of the time it goes nowhere. Needless to say I'm very frustrated. I'm 24 and he is 36. I don't want to seem like I'm being pushy with the whole situation, but it seems that nothing ever happens. He really doesn't cuddle/spoon/etc. all that much either. I know sex isn't the end-all, be-all of a relationship, but it shouldn't disappear and should be a part of a healthy loving relationship. So I've been (hopefully understandably) concerned for a while now. Just to give you an idea, we've only done it four times in the past two years. Yikes, I know. Sometimes I don't know how I've dealt with it. I believe I have been beyond patient what any normal person should. He has a nice demeanor and laid back personality, but I've learned that a lot of things are "all about him" and talking to him about my issues can be like talking to a brick wall (I feel like I don't get anywhere), so the whole scenario is very confusing. That being said, I began to suspect he wasn't telling me everything. I've learned of his lies before, so lying wasn't out of the question. So a couple months ago (after dry spells with no end in sight), I looked in his phone history and bam. There it was. Porn. Son of a bitch. I began to shake and lost my appetite. And I cried too (still do sometimes). When your partner makes excuses why there is no intimacy and it seems that they don't even try, then you find out they've been looking at porn all along, it just hits you like a ton of bricks. It's pretty much a slap in the face. Last night, I was so worked up about it that I finally decided to ask him. I stayed calm and took the route of giving him a chance to come clean (if he was into porn, not sounding confronting or accusatory), hoping he would see I was keeping it low key and that he could talk to me about it and how it makes me feel. He knows I don't like that stuff and he's said he isn't into it either. But I sat there and pretty much teared up inside as he lied straight to my face. Funny thing is, among the things he said in our discussion about porn, he said "If someone feels they need to hide something like that, they probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place" and that it would be disrespecting to their partner to lie about it (among other things like that). Hmmmm... So I went to sleep last night absolutely broken up that he felt perfectly comfortable lying to me about this issue. He said I should be able to trust him, but I really can't now. I feel like my next step would just to flat out tell him that I know, that last night was the calm before the storm. I'm setting myself up for him to be extremely pissy and defensive, but being as he lied about it I don't think he has anyone to blame but himself. Well I could go on longer about this, but I guess I'll stop there for now. I actually could hardly sleep last night having watched the man I love fabricate that elaborate lie right in front of me (he's very articulate and very believable if you don't know any better). Running off my frappuccino right now, hopefully I'll sleep a little better tonight. I don't agree with porn in my relationship and he knows and has said he feels the same way. When it pretty much replaces the sex, that is crossing the line. I can't help but feel I've lost part of him.

Ask the community | sexless, pornography, rejection

“He watches porn but never touches me”

I didn't ever want to have to talk about this. It's so hurtful, but here I am. My boyfriend and I have been together eight years and it has been so amazing after ironing out the beginning, which should have just smacked me and clear then but nope. In the last three years, we haven't had sex. Nor kissing with passion. I get the same smooch his mother gets! No tight snuggles, no lying watching a movie together. It's him on his phone and I watch TV alone. I have tried and tried to start something but it's play-stupid and rollover game. After three years a person has been over-patient. It started as me trying to walk by him naked or spray my perfume on before bed, or sexy panties. I'm a small woman. Nothing has changed with me, and I get nothing from him, not even a rollover for a kiss. He faces away from me and turns his head to the side for my magical goodnight kiss. In the last seven months, I have started to say "I'm here why don't you want me"? But I get excuses or it gets turned around on me so I am made to feel bad. Now it's to the point of me crying and crying, "Why don't you want me?" "What can I do to change?". I was made to feel his sex drive was low and he is so sorry, blah blah blah.. Screw that! His sex drive isn't too low for porn! He hasn't been touching me but he sure has been doing it to porn... We have watched porn together. I'm up for it, for sure, to help get a little dirtier but when he doesn't touch me unless he's been watching porn... no thank you! And you know what kills me? After I sat many times over like an ass thinking he would stop, he won't. I told him it makes me feel ugly and unwanted and just discarded that he doesn't get aroused by me but has to use other women. I thought "My man isn't like that, he will stop, he knows it hurts me, and he wont hurt me". Boy, was I wrong. He not only keeps watching it alone but hides the page or clicks the home button when I walk in the room. I'm not a complete idiot. So again last night, I cried and begged him to please stop watching it alone. Touch me if you're horny, I'm right here, why aren't I good enough? And I get deny, deny, deny and now I'm crazy, I didn't see porn, he isn't watching that. I have problems, I'd better go see a counsellor. I'm an embarrassment, I'm being an Idiot... I'm told to f off, get out of his face, he's tired of my bullshit. Last night, I lay in bed with so much going on in my mind. I kept to myself, watched a movie and fell asleep. Woke up at 5:15 cause I rolled over and, hmmm, he was gone. I got up to pee and, lo and behold, there he was on the couch on his phone. As soon as he saw me, that phone was flipped over faster than you can imagine. So I asked, "Hey, wanna prove me wrong? Let me see your phone. Show me the last page you were on. Prove me a paranoid crazy woman, just show me something", and as I stood there crying, pleading to him to prove me I'm wrong he tells me he's tired and will show me later... And his phone is hidden. Weird how it isn't on the end table like it is every night for the last eight years! My last comment to him was, "If you can't show me your phone and prove me wrong, then I now know I'm 110% right." He isn't going to stop. He doesn't care how it makes me feel and what am I doing still writing this? No sex for three years, over-excessive pain and anger, that's how my life has been. But I do see I'm not alone. To any woman or man that has a partner that makes them feel this way – please don't keep hurting yourself by letting someone stomp on your trust and heart. You're amazing and don't let anyone tell or show you different. Sorry it's probably all over the map, I'm still shaking from this morning's hidden phone event! Someone, anyone, talk to me please.

User article | pornography, masturbation, sexless

“No sex is affecting my self-esteem”

(I'd like to apologize in advance for this being so long. There's just a lot of background information that I think is important because I feel like some parts of my story are unique; I've been doing a lot of internet research, and I've haven't found someone in a similar position.) My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 and 1/2 years, and we've been living together for almost a year and half. We started having sex about 2 and 1/2 years ago. The core problem is that I feel like we don't have sex very often and it makes me feel bad. For the most part, this has been true our entire relationship. As soon as we started having sex (about 9 months after we started dating), the frequency of intimate activity dropped dramatically; when we were still fooling around (and virgins), he would want to do something 3 or 4 times a week. Now, we'll have sex/fool around/anything, maybe once or twice a month. It makes me feel unwanted, fat, and ugly. My self-esteem is in the tank. Also, because I've talked to him about this so many times, now I feel kind of dirty or wrong for wanting to have sex. And, I feel helpless because, in my eyes, I can't do anything about it. He has always been the one to initiate sex. I became too discouraged to try anymore a long time ago because he either doesn't notice when I'm trying to initiate or (when he does notice) he doesn't want to have sex. I've tried every trick in the book to turn him on, but it doesn't matter. The one time I managed to initiate he couldn't perform. So, we only have sex when he wants to, and as a result, I feel like I can't even turn him on, which makes me feel worse. He doesn't feel bad about the lack of sex. I'm not sure if he doesn't notice it, or if he doesn't need it. He says he doesn't often masturbate, and I know he doesn't look at porn. He's so busy that he usually just stays home with me, so I know he's not having an affair either. Whenever I've talked to him about it, he's never given me a reason for not wanting to have sex. Once he explained that he feels a little self-conscious because things don't always... "work" for me easily. I've told him that I don't care and that I just wish he would show me that he loves me and finds me sexually desirable (since he doesn't tell me that I'm pretty), but it doesn't matter. To me, it's not a physical need but an emotional one. To make things worse, the reason why I'm so hard to turn on is because I don't ever expect him to follow through. He likes to "tease" me, doing the same types of things he does when he wants to have sex but not follow through. He says he needs to touch me to get turned on, but that everything shouldn't have to lead to sex, so I shouldn't worry about it. But, I can't help but feel like he doesn't want me anymore when he touches me and doesn't get turned on. So, I don't know what to do. I can't remember the last time we had sex, and I'm starting to resent him. He tried to get us to have sex a couple of weeks ago, but I was still half-asleep, and he didn't even try to make things work for me. I feel like he's becoming a selfish lover, only concerned about his needs, which was never true before. I'm desperate. I can't go through the pain and humiliation of talking to him again. I've been trying recently, and I can't get him to have sex with me either. Since I clean up after him and take care of him (which is another story), I feel like a roommate or a mother, not a girlfriend. The whole situation makes me feel terrible about myself, and the plain truth is, we're not really that compatible in terms of our interests, hobbies, etc. either. I'm starting to question whether or not I can be with him for the rest of my life, which has always been the plan. What should I do?

Ask the community | sexless, confidence

“My wife only gives me oral sex, nothing else“

We've been married over ten years. We love each other. Everything else is really really good. We get along, we laugh, we spend time together. We're literally soul mates.The wife will give me a bj a couple times a week and she is really really good at it. There are no problems here. I'll admit I have a really high libido, I'm strongly in the mood at least once every day but usually twice. I'm really happy with activity every day though, but our average frequency is more like every other day... unless something crazy comes up. Sometimes it's every day if things are going really good (low stress times). But again, I'm ok with every other day. I don't really enjoy masturbating any more because I would just prefer her. I do not look at porn either, no interest in that at all. No interest in other women either. She has told me she is horny about once a day. If she hugs me with any sexuality at all it's an instant erection. She likes how she makes me excited so easily. She told me it makes her feel confident and know that I'm attracted to her, which is an understatement. She's very very attractive too. She has people come up to her and flirt all the time. Here's the problem. This has been going on for quite a while now. She rarely kisses me more then 10 seconds. She may let me kiss her neck and breasts, but lips... not much. She'll let me touch her body everywhere... except her vagina. That's very very rare. And if she does let me touch there it's for less then a minute. And she will not, under any circumstances, have intercourse with me. Ever. I have talked to her about it... ALOT, and she says my size scares her... that it hurts her. I don't think I'm a monster down there. I'm about 8" depending on how excited I am. Interestingly, if I masturbate it's barely 6 inches... She's the only thing that excites me really. She has also told me I am bigger now then when we met... she might be right because I swear I used to be about 7 before, and it seems bigger. When she does oral on me I might be a little over 8 sometimes at the peak of it right before I finish when it's really intense. She also says she literally loves giving me bjs, she really enjoys it and I don't think she is lying. She also tells me it's enough pleasure for her just doing that for me. If I say I want to thrust more (I say it other ways, many other ways, dirty or sweet or clean or naughty whatever)... anyways, if I say I want to thrust more, implying I want to have intercourse, she'll let me do it orally instead. Even kinda rough and deep, whatever I want orally just no intercourse. I prefer the feeling of being completely inside whenever we do things and she can do that (deep throat) almost all the way, almost the whole time she gives me oral. When it comes to oral she does it almost anyway I want it. With oral, she will do almost anything I want. That isn't a problem at all. She is just worried I will want the same kind of feeling with intercourse, but I told her I would control myself and not try to push it in like that all way. She says she will eventually try it (we have before, we used to all the time), but she's been saying that for months now. I think it is the combination of lack of affection and no intercourse that is really bothering me. If it was just the no sex, but we kissed a lot more I might accept her reasons. If we had sex and didn't kiss I'd probably still be worried. If she let me pleasure her down there and we kissed I'd believe her reasons. Unfortunately, it's all three... little kissing, very little pleasure for her, and no intercourse. I'm sorry if this is coming across pornographic that's not my intention I assure you. Everything else I've read is always men saying they cannot get any oral sex or any sex at all... One thing I read was a guy saying his wife constantly gave him oral all the time, but maybe that was a joke. I'm wondering if there are people who are going to say I'm really lucky that the only thing I have to do in my sex life is get incredible oral sex almost every other day. Maybe I am? I'm just really bothered by what is NOT happening. I want to be intimate with my wife again. I tell her, we talk about it. She assures me it's just my size that scares her. That it will hurt, but I say I'll be as gentle as I can be. She always open to doing the bjs as described above, no problem. But never anything else... again: little kissing, very little pleasure for her, and no intercourse. I do try to do these other things often... very often. But I'm always pushed away in one form or another. I'm really bothered by this. Am I crazy? Do I actually have it really good and I'm just trying to have my cake and eat it too here? Should I worry? Why do you think things are like this? Does anyone have experience with this? Any advice would be appreciated. Maybe I need to hear how I should quit complaining? Maybe I need to hear what people think is wrong here? Oh, and sorry for the novel of a post. I felt I really needed to spell it all out honestly to the random people on the Internet.

Ask the community | sexless, intimacy

“My boyfriend stopped wanting sex”

I am at such a loss as to what to do and feel that I cant talk about this with anyone I know. It just feels embarrassing or too honest. My boyfriend and i started dating a year and a half ago. We immediately connected as friends and a month later, after a night of drunken fun, we had sex. I was just getting out of a toxic relationship and wasn't ready for a relationship or public dating but we continued sleeping together for months. It felt passionate and fun and I actually really enjoyed who he was as a person. We talked to each other every day and I looked forward to it. I started being able to see a future with him and fell in love. Eventually, though I was terrified of being vulnerable to hurt again after my past relationships had ended so badly, after 4 and a half months of this, I took the leap and committed to an exclusive relationship with him. We used to have sex all of the time, sometimes multiple times a day. As I committed to him and only him, i thought we would be so happy and everything would magically fall into a place. I guess still had some hope for a happily ever after. When we became exclusive, the sex came to a screeching halt. We talked every day. He cuddled me and spooned me at night and softly kissed me goodnight and goodbye in the mornings, reminding me that he loves me. We spent every night together and carried on with routines, but still no sex. Feeling shy but like I had to do something about our sexual drought, I initiated things when we would be in bed and he would hold my hand and tell me he was tired. Night after night, I shyly pushed myself to touch him and kiss him and hope that things could progress but he always cut me off. Months went by. The happily ever after train I'd accidentally secretly hoped for had been derailed. "Was it me?" I wondered. "Did I need to work out more? Maybe he wasn't physically attracted to me?" I decided to focus on my own confidence and hoped the rest would follow. It didn't. Many awkward conversations about our lack of a physical relationship transpired though. He assured me time and again that it wasn't because of me. He just wasn't in the mood. When he knew more he would let me know. One day, he handed me his phone and I saw porn that was bookmarked on his phone. My heart dropped and in my mind, I immediately sunk to the ground on my knees in defeat. He still had a sexual drive. It had to do with me. I've developed such a resentment for the fact that I've been in two unhealthy relationships with men who constantly used my body and I found someone who i truly love, but he doesn't want to be physically intimate with me. I've had a rough sexual background that took years for me to move past, cope, and see sex as being a beautiful thing again. My boyfriend knows that I've been a little damaged in the past but how could I ever tell him that I had to move past being raped by three different men to the point of being drugged, beaten, threatened, and/or passed around over 100 times? For years I saw sex as a punishment and it feels incredibly unfair that I've worked through it and I want so badly to experience positive intimate sex in a caring loving relationship and I can't. How is it that I could deal with these things, but he didn't want to have sex with me because he just "doesn't feel like it?" If I told him how broken I have been, he would REALLY never want to have sex with me again. When we've had discussions about it, he's implied that I'm superficial for needing that in my life and made me feel shamed for bringing it up at all. I worried that having an open discussion with him about it could make things feel even weirder but at that point, it had been months and months since we'd last had sex so i felt I didn't have tons to lose. He tells me to give it time. I gave it more time but found myself looking to fill my sexual drive in other ways. Before i knew it, I was web-camming with a stranger just so I could feel seen. It only happened one time and didn't feel worth it to me. Just sad that I had gotten to that point. More months went by. I found myself hitting a joint in a car after work with a friend and he kissed me. After months and months of not feeling touched, it felt nice to feel so wanted again. He kissed me and grabbed me and I insisted on keeping clothes on and then as we were kissing, he came. So now I had not had sex with my boyfriend in at least nine months and I cheated on him with someone that came in about five seconds in his pants. I drove away, horrified at my actions, crying. I told him that I had cheated and how far it had gone (minus him going in his jeans) and that our lack of affection was escalating to me looking for other things and that was a problem for me. I told him that if we didn't reconnect sexually, we were doomed. He didn't say much. However, a few days after, he grabbed my hand in bed and put it on his hard-on. I felt optimistic that maybe we could have a sexual relationship again. Then he came in my hand in about five seconds. The same thing happened later. It didn't used to be like that. I know he's capable of having sex. A few months after that, he woke me up with it while we were spooning and then got behind me. I was so happy to be having sex again and it felt so great. Then it happened again the next week in the same positions. Then the next week, woken up and in the same positions. I took initiative and got on top for a while. His alarm went off during, I jumped off to turn it off, and he got soft. He said he'd gotten off already. I'm 90% certain he was lying. So now, he's finally giving me just enough sex to get my by to where i wont break up with him but it feels like he doesn't want to look at me and pretend I'm someone else? The sexual aspect is the primary fault in our relationship and it feels like if I got better, so would we. Any plans I could be building for the future, I'm hesitant with because as our physical intimacy is this rocky, it feels like our relationship is unstable in my mind too. I've thought of many possibilities as to why we are here. Was he gay? I've seen his porn history so no. Was there someone else? I really don't get that feeling either. I wonder if it's hard for him to see someone he loves in a sexual way? Is that common? I've heard of the madonna vs. whore thing. As soon he confessed his love for me and "won me' he stopped seeing me a sexual way. I miss being touched and feeling wanted in every way. I want to be kissed, touched, and feel passion again. All I'm looking for is to feel like i'm enough with someone. I love him and we've somewhat build a life together in the last year and a half. He talks about the future all of the time and how we should buy a house, etc. Should I throw in the towel and give up on our relationship? Am I ready to give up a good relationship because of sex? I have no idea what the reason could be that he doesn't want to have sex with me but it makes me feel incredibly undesirable in every way and as much as I hate to admit it, has really hurt my confidence and made me needy, annoying, and desperate. Am I beating a dead horse? Am I hurting myself more? Should I say or do something or should I run?

User article | sexless

“He never wants to be intimate”

Hello everyone, I've been needing to get something off my chest for a long time now. It's something very personal and I can't bring myself to talk to anyone in my social circle or family, because I feel very embarrassed, neglected and as if something is wrong with me. I've been seeing my partner for about 10 months now. For context, I haven't had very many sexual partners as I've always been in committed relationships since my teens (and am now 24). My partner (28) on the other hand has had many sexual partners and has never been in a committed relationship before me, and would, I quote, "pump and dump". So a very big player who would just fuck around, pardon my language. At the beginning of the relationship, physically everything was great, we were both very into each other and would be intimate almost every time we saw each other. However, after four or five months of being together, the physical intimacy became much more scarce. He would never initiate, or say he was tired. I was the one always initiating and trying to be intimate, and they would just make up an excuse or laugh it off like a joke. I would try everything, wearing sexy lingerie while walking around the apartment, joining them in the shower, walking and lying around naked... And they would just either ignore it or react as if I was making a joke. And now it's gotten to a point where I'm too worried about rejection to even try anymore, and it's such a horrible feeling knowing that if I don't try, they'll never even bother to initiate (which is the sad reality). It's just feels so humiliating, that the person that's meant to love me and be attracted to me doesn't even want to touch me. He talks long term goals, including marriage, potentially having kids and buying property together, so I know he's not cheating on me and is very much attracted to me still. I am considered by societies standards as conventionally attractive, and receive a lot of attention from the opposite sex. But I don't get any from the person I love, and it makes me feel as if I'm disgusting or something is wrong with me. I feel so ashamed and humiliated, and am so worried because we're not even a year into our relationship and we're already having intimacy issues, and we're both a young couple who should theoretically be in their prime physically. There are also issues when we are intimate. I only climax from oral, not from penetrative sex. He said when we first started seeing each other, that he was a "selfless lover" and couldn't selfish if he wanted to be, because he got off on his partner getting off. And he couldn't get me to climax through regular sex, and I did tell them I could only climax through oral, and then he just gave up. He doesn't even try. In the 10 months we've been together, I can count the number of times he's gone down on me on one hand. And he always says how he "loves" how I taste and makes these remarks like "I can't wait for dessert" or something along those lines, but then never actually does it. So it makes me feel so dejected and as if I'm dirty and disgusting. I'm at a point where I don't know what to do anymore, I feel as though I've given up. Even going to bed, he doesn't cuddle and normally comes to bed after I've already fallen asleep.so I just end up crying myself to sleep. I don't know what to do anymore, I just feel so alone and dejected.

Ask the community | sex, communication, sexless

Improving your emotional intelligence

Article | communication, mental health

“My girlfriend isn't sexually active”

Hi, I'm a 25 year old man with some issues with my girlfriend. I'm posting here because I don't know if I'm crazy or if my girlfriend is. Or maybe we both are. I'm a deployed vet of 2011 and before then I was single for roughly two years and had not had sex in that long until January 2012 when I met my current girlfriend. We used to have sex so often it was great. I started working my old job that I had before I deployed and even as hard as it was I always made time for sex. I know that in some people they become "too tired" from work to have sex but I'm not one of those people. I still find her to be the love of my life and every day she comes home from work I'm so happy to see her. I always figure she'll want to lie with me and talk, kiss, and eventually have sex but lately this just hasn't been the case. I don't find myself to be too selfish about the sex, I don't beg for it and I try not to get mad, but when it starts being once maybe twice a week I get frustrated, start having trouble sleeping, and I'll even sleep on the couch because when she makes me stop I don't even want to be near her. Now why I think I may be wrong for wanting sex so often is because right now I'm unemployed and looking for a job so while I'm not doing much, so I think about her more and when she finally comes home I just want her, but like I said, even when I was working I wanted her daily. She has complained to me a lot that she is fat, as much as I could tell her she's not. I've heard that women who are insecure of themselves are less sexual, like they think their man will judge her by that? She does randomly get touchy and grabby and even sexual but it seems to only be while I'm busy on the phone or playing with friends online like she's looking for that thrill. For the past two months she started playing an mmo video game she used to play, maybe it was to allow me to play my video games more I don't know, but now that she's playing it again, it just seems to be all she really wants to do is play. I've told her before that I don't like her playing it because it seems to take time away from our relationship but it starts arguments that don't get solved. I guess as couples get older they become less sexual and eventually resort to routine and hobbies to stay busy, I think I'll always want sex. What scares me is that life is so long and I'm only 25 and I want sex this much. How am I supposed to stay with this person when things are already getting rough a year and a half into the relationship? I've had to do things just to keep my mind off her because the last thing I want to do is push her away because of my feelings. I'll go on a drive or mow the lawn or even masturbate when it's been long enough. Also she's shown serious signs that she wants to have kids within the next 2 years and I've told her were not ready, especially with me unemployed. I've seen dozens of guys through google search with my problem and I've even gone on sites where the woman says HE won't have sex with her and its annoying to read that there are so many people refusing sex. I'm nearly 100 percent certain she isn't cheating and fulfilling her sexual needs elsewhere because she told me from the very beginning that she is a bit clingy and gets attached easily which I was ok with. I know her complete work schedule and I know when she's stuck at work for another half hour, were always talking and she nearly never gets out with friends and when she does she tells me. I feel like she's just happy touching me randomly and giving me only a couple kisses here and there. She spends almost all her time playing her game and I feel like she doesn't need me anymore. I haven't really served a purpose to her lately. It is weird though, whenever I'm gone for the night she tells me she misses me and she'll even send me nude pictures through text. This is probably all jumbled and confusing but I'm tired and can't sleep, I'm hoping someone can help me. Just an hour ago she turned me down so I got frustrated when she turned me down and fell asleep, and I came to this website. I've read that simply ignoring your girlfriend will frustrate her and make her more likely to have sex with you but I don't want to play stupid games to get what I want and I don't want to make her miserable just to get sex. There are people out there who complain that they get sex from their partner now only 1 or 2 times a month. I'd go insane or leave her. Someone help me.

Ask the community | sexless

“Why doesn't my husband want me?”

I have been married for 12 years. My husband and I are happy. We do not have a perfect marriage but who does? From the start of our marriage we never had much of a sex life, even as newlyweds. We would average maybe four times a month on a good month. He is not very affectionate toward me either. I had never felt attractive in my marriage. I am always the one who initiated sex and most of the time I got turned down. He does not kiss me and never performed oral sex for me at all, but expects it from me every time and sometimes just that for him and nothing at all for me. Later I found out he was watching porn A LOT. This broke my heart, because he never wanted me. About nine years and two sweet daughters later I found out that he was cheating – it was a one night thing. He swore that it meant nothing. For me to stay I demanded he tell me everything. I also found the other woman and talked to her about it. The stories matched up – apparently the plan was to cheat with her but he could not get an erection despite her best efforts. I asked him if he had kissed her (he never kisses me) and he had – not only that but, because he couldn't perform, he gave her oral sex! He never does this for me! I was very upset and left him. He was devastated and apologised and said he would be a better husband and do all those things for me, blah blah blah. So for my children and the fact that I love him we worked it out. He has done much better – he still will not kiss me but he will occasionally do oral. And he is more affectionate and I can honestly see that he is trying more than he ever has. Our sex life was great – five or six times a week and much more passion than ever before. But for the past two weeks he has not touched me, despite my attempts. When I asked him about it he said he was just in a down spiral (I forgot to mention he has cycling bi-polar disorder) and that his sex drive decreases when he has a down phase. I tried to understand and be supportive, but I checked his phone last night and his history was absolutely full of porn! So his sex drive is decreased but he can watch porn and not want to have sex with me? I do not understand this and it makes me feel disgusting! I even offered for us to watch together but he did not want to do that. My body has changed a lot since having our children, and he knows how insecure I am about it. He says my body has nothing to do with it it's just his bi-polor decreasing his libido. But i don't know about that seems like if libido was decreased it would be decreased for everything not just your wife, and be perfectly fine for porn. Can anyone help me understand this?

User article | pornography, masturbation, sexless

“His aspirations make me doubt him”

I feel my boyfriend is perfect for me. He loves me for who I am. He puts up with my antics. He is trustworthy. He is a great guy. But his aspirations make me doubt him. I have been with his for four years. I moved to another state to be with him. He lost his job and has been struggling to hold a job for the past four years we have been together. And even when he gets a great job interview something manages to blow it. The last job was because he failed to meet the deadline on a job questionnaire which was part of the hiring process. I can't be with someone who sets himself for failure. I, on the other hand, have been very successful. Our sex life is non-existent. I think it was after he lost his job that we haven't had sex so that about three years. I want to have sex with him but he doesn't pick up my signs. I do everything for him and support him 100%. Lately, I have been thinking of someone else. I have been tempted to tell that person how I feel but I can't stand the fact that I feel I'd be cheating. This guy is successful and I think I am attracted to him because of that. I don't think I want to be with the other guy. I don't see myself with him long term but the problems with my current boyfriend are pushing me away. What if my current boyfriend never becomes successful. If he would help me around more I think I would feel better but I do everything on top of being the breadwinner. I have told him I am stressed multiple times but I have to keep telling him for him to do anything. I am so confused I can't focus on anything. If I tell the other guy how I feel would it give me closure?

Ask the community | someone else, sex, sexless

“My husband has disconnected from me”

I feel selfish posting this, but I can't help but feel like I'm alone in my marriage. My husband is a good person and a decent provider, but he's not there for me emotionally. I know his work environment has gotten pretty toxic in the past year or so (his employer has been forcing older, more long-term employees out the door and hiring younger, cheaper help), and I know he worries about not making enough money if he were to leave and go somewhere less hostile (we would survive, we're not poor), and I have encouraged him to look elsewhere for a less stressful job, but he hasn't done anything about it. Because he is stressed about work all the time, he comes home every night, eats dinner and then either fiddles with his phone surfing the internet or he sits in front of the TV until he goes to bed. We never go anywhere together, unless it's the grocery store or some other mundane thing, we haven't taken a vacation in years, and he never wants to do anything. We have seen a marriage counselor before, but he only went a couple of times until he decided that I was depressed and should continue seeing the counselor alone. Yeah, I AM DEPRESSED because my husband isn't in our relationship. I guess the last straw was today, our 16th anniversary, and he came home from work and flopped down on the couch with his tablet. I purposely sat down with him and he ignored me for about an hour until he mumbled "Happy Anniversary" and went to the fridge to heat up leftovers for dinner. After he ate his leftovers, he watched TV and went to bed. It is my wedding anniversary and I'm sitting on the couch with my cat. I am so angry and sad and hurt by this behavior of my husband that I don't know what to do. When I try to talk to him about it, he either ignores me (the damn TV, the phone or the tablet) or he turns it around on me and complains about how bad his job is and how I have no idea what the working world is like these days. (Um, yeah, actually I do. I worked in corporate America for two decades until I left and started my own business two years ago, which wasn't exactly an easy thing to do, either.) Can someone please give me some advice? I'm so sad right now.

Ask the community | communication, mental health

If you think you’re not having enough sex

Article | sexless, intimacy, YPc

“Am I just being used or what?”

My girlfriend doesn't want sex. In the 4 years we have been together we have made love about 9 times. She has two boys aged 10 & 12 and she works part time and we don't live together. I help her out with stuff like buying her a bike so that she can join her boys, a new TV, a new cooker, plus I took a loan out to buy her a car. She says that she only has sex with me like it's payback for what I do for her. Am I being used?

User article | sex, intimacy, sexless

My wife is cold and strange

I am so glad I found this thread but I’m horrified the amount of other men out there feeling the way I do. I thought I was alone. So sad to read these comments I feel for everyone of you! I’ve been married to my wife 10 years together 11. Same thing here just dead marriage zero sex. I can’t sleep at night I lay awake till 3am some nights wondering why I can’t even put my arm round her without her shoving me away, we have three young kids together and she already had 3 when I got with her that I went to hell and back raising as my own while she sat on iPads or her phone over the years. I’m literally physically and emotionally EXHAUSTED from lack of sleep dealing with the kids & dogs too as we have quite a few. She has a major issue with her phones even her own older kids have said it on many occasions she ignores me you have to say the same thing 4/5 times to even get her to look up even then she just says WHAT” like I’m annoying her by requiring conversation! Our sex has always been okay, when we actually do it, but sine it’s been dead I’ve asked her if there’s any issues she never admits there is. She has mega foreplay from me and loves it but gives none. Not that it matters. Of course just like many of you there’s now also zero affection in the daytime, if I try cuddle her she keeps her in front of her so I’m basically cuddling around her phone like some kind of pest it hurts so badly and if I make a fuss about it all I get is “your just wanting to get your end away” “just back off I’m trying t chill” or she refers to sex as a “chore” Any issues in our marriage any arguments it’s always my fault.not once in 11 years has she ever took the blame or changed a single thing. When i got with her she made me cut off from all my friends (I had a lot of friends) and I cannot eve have them on Facebook on the basis “they could be friends with someone I’ve slept with” because before I got with her i was on my own for 4 years and I slept with a lot of ladies, I stayed on my own on purpose after a head messing relationship before that, so I figured if I stayed on my own and learned to need NO ONE, then when I am ready to try a relationship I will not need them just want them. I grew cold on my own, I hated affection from these one night stands I blew any of them out from wanting anything more and I stayed cold and lonely in my house, just clubbing 3 nights a week and putting it about. I admit that. It doesn’t make me untrustworthy I’ve never cheated on ANYONE and never even looked in a bad away at another woman while I’ve been with my wife! But that’s her reason t cut me off from my friends. At the beginning of the relationship she said I was not affectionate and “trained me” to be cuddly, then when she see how I was Falling head over heals for her and dropped my guard, she then started to remove any threats so I was not allowed a phone for a couple of years, I was not allowed on my laptop until she was up so she could monitor what I was doing, I never had money, but slowly she started to allow these things i then started a successful online business and was making a lot of money working from home. She then moaned everyday that I was working to hard! So I packed that in!!!!! Things started to go down hill the more I gave in the worse she got, she would accuse me all the time even from going to the shop up the road, if we had days out with the kids I’d have to look at the floor Becase if a good looking woman was in sight she would accuse me of looking at her and spend the whole day angry or she would smile at loads of good looking men strisght infront of me and the kids to hurt me. So I never went anywhere I had no friends no nothing. Yet she was allowed out, she had friends she had weekends at concerts. While I baby sitted. I started to get resentful I was hurting so bad, she came home one night after drinking and we had sex… While she was on top of me she leaned down to my ear and whispered” guess what” “ I fucked someone else earlier” that was the breaker my heart felt like it had actually cracked.

User article | sexless, affair

Boyfriend not interested in sex

Hi there. Apologies for the length of this post. My boyfriend and I (early 30s) have been together 2 years and live together. We have discussed a serious future together including marriage and kids. Initially we had a very good sex life (at least twice a week) but I’d say over the past year or so, things have been dwindling. I think I have a higher sex drive than him, and often if I try to initiate sex - I often get turned down and he will say he is too tired. He often has long shifts and early starts but sometimes this is even the case on his days off. I’d say sometimes we have sex once every 2-weeks. I’m finding this difficult as I would like to have more sexual intimacy. I’ve tried talking about this with him many times but he often gets very defensive and doesn’t want to talk about it. I feel he is embarrassed by it almost that I seem to want sex more than him. The relationship is otherwise great, he is affectionate and intimate in other ways but I feel when it comes to sex - he just doesn’t seem interested in me sexually. I don’t know what to do. It makes me feel really insecure and anxious when we go so long without having sex as it is important for me. And sometimes I feel depressed when he isn’t interested and I don’t feel desired. So I realise this is a pretty bad thing to do..but I did it out of desperation more than anything else. I realise this is an invasion of his privacy and I feel terrible but I checked his phone history and found he has been using porn very regularly - and unexpected categories like GILFS/ grannies/ MILF/ older women/ really large women. He is 30. Im the same age and large breasted but not fat. He has also watched gay porn including searches for things like “twinks” (had to look up what this meant) and also males orgasming. It makes me so distressed knowing he watches this yet is not sexual with me. I realise straight men sometimes watch gay porn but I was besides myself. I think he obviously watches this when I am out but it hurts me that he seems to be able to browse lots of porn but not be sexual with me. I understand that most men watch porn even in relationships, but surely if we are having less sex than I would like this is a problem? He clearly seems happy with sex with me once every couple of weeks because he is satisfying himself several times in between. I feel very hurt. I can’t bring this up as I obviously invaded his privacy and have probably made things worse! I thought about casually asking him directly if he watches porn but think he will likely hide it. Would be grateful for any advice. Thank you!

User article | sexless, pornography

“Lack of intimacy is getting me down”

I've been in a relationship for 10 years but we have been celibate for eight years. My partner says he doesn't have any sex drive. I would try to initiate sex previously but I find it very hard when he just doesn't show any interest. He's not very good at talking about things and he is far less cuddly than I am. I'm finding the lack of intimacy really hard. We still love each other. I've taken care of my health and appearance. He says it's not me – he just doesn't have any kind of sex drive anymore. Anyone else in this situation? Any suggestions?

Ask the community | sexless