“He watches porn but never touches me”
I didn't ever want to have to talk about this. It's so hurtful, but here I am. My boyfriend and I have been together eight years and it has been so amazing after ironing out the beginning, which should have just smacked me and clear then but nope.
In the last three years, we haven't had sex. Nor kissing with passion. I get the same smooch his mother gets! No tight snuggles, no lying watching a movie together. It's him on his phone and I watch TV alone. I have tried and tried to start something but it's play-stupid and rollover game. After three years a person has been over-patient.
It started as me trying to walk by him naked or spray my perfume on before bed, or sexy panties. I'm a small woman. Nothing has changed with me, and I get nothing from him, not even a rollover for a kiss. He faces away from me and turns his head to the side for my magical goodnight kiss.
In the last seven months, I have started to say "I'm here why don't you want me"? But I get excuses or it gets turned around on me so I am made to feel bad. Now it's to the point of me crying and crying, "Why don't you want me?" "What can I do to change?". I was made to feel his sex drive was low and he is so sorry, blah blah blah.. Screw that! His sex drive isn't too low for porn! He hasn't been touching me but he sure has been doing it to porn... We have watched porn together. I'm up for it, for sure, to help get a little dirtier but when he doesn't touch me unless he's been watching porn... no thank you!
And you know what kills me? After I sat many times over like an ass thinking he would stop, he won't. I told him it makes me feel ugly and unwanted and just discarded that he doesn't get aroused by me but has to use other women. I thought "My man isn't like that, he will stop, he knows it hurts me, and he wont hurt me". Boy, was I wrong. He not only keeps watching it alone but hides the page or clicks the home button when I walk in the room. I'm not a complete idiot.
So again last night, I cried and begged him to please stop watching it alone. Touch me if you're horny, I'm right here, why aren't I good enough? And I get deny, deny, deny and now I'm crazy, I didn't see porn, he isn't watching that. I have problems, I'd better go see a counsellor. I'm an embarrassment, I'm being an Idiot... I'm told to f off, get out of his face, he's tired of my bullshit.
Last night, I lay in bed with so much going on in my mind. I kept to myself, watched a movie and fell asleep. Woke up at 5:15 cause I rolled over and, hmmm, he was gone. I got up to pee and, lo and behold, there he was on the couch on his phone. As soon as he saw me, that phone was flipped over faster than you can imagine. So I asked, "Hey, wanna prove me wrong? Let me see your phone. Show me the last page you were on. Prove me a paranoid crazy woman, just show me something", and as I stood there crying, pleading to him to prove me I'm wrong he tells me he's tired and will show me later... And his phone is hidden. Weird how it isn't on the end table like it is every night for the last eight years!
My last comment to him was, "If you can't show me your phone and prove me wrong, then I now know I'm 110% right." He isn't going to stop. He doesn't care how it makes me feel and what am I doing still writing this? No sex for three years, over-excessive pain and anger, that's how my life has been.
But I do see I'm not alone. To any woman or man that has a partner that makes them feel this way – please don't keep hurting yourself by letting someone stomp on your trust and heart. You're amazing and don't let anyone tell or show you different. Sorry it's probably all over the map, I'm still shaking from this morning's hidden phone event! Someone, anyone, talk to me please.