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Jealousy and trust – introduction

To unpack this issue over the next few pages, we’re going to use this three-step approach: Look at WHAT the specific jealousy or trust issue is for you. Look at WHY this issue might be happening to you. Look at HOW you can help deal with it in a practical way. This approach offers a great way to unpack many other relationship issues and make sense of things. Throughout this journey, we hope to give you plenty of things you can take away and start practising in your relationships right away. Click ‘Next article’ when you’re ready to continue. The whole thing should take about 15 minutes. If at any time you want to start again with a different category, just select one of the options at the bottom of the page.

Article | jealousy, trust

“I don't trust my man's female friend”

Hi guys. I'm new here... I can't discuss this with anyone in my life, so *really* I hope you can help me wrap my head around this problem. Lately, I've been stressed by a new addition in my boyfriend's life: his female friend from work. He and I are in our 20s and have been together for two years. We've had a solid and happy relationship until this point...and it's still mostly happy as long as his "friend" doesn't come up in conversation. The summary is this: I don't trust his female friend AT ALL. And I feel that my boyfriend should be more alert to the red flags that I'm seeing from her. Henceforth I will call this girl "Lacey" and I'll call my boyfriend "Joe." Here's the facts on Joe: He's extremely mellow by nature. He's nonjudgmental (a little too much, in my opinion) He's extremely loyal and respectful towards women. He's a clear and honest communicator. My happiness is one of his greatest priorities, but he won't compromise his values or beliefs to please me. He gets sad about the fact that he has very few friends. He doesn't want to lose Lacey's friendship. Here's the facts about me: I'm pretty smart and diplomatic. I'm a pretty good judge of character and strongly dislike unethical people. I'm not a jealous person and know that I can't change someone or dictate how to live their life. If there is a conflict, I always scrutinize my feelings and perspective before the other person's. Here's the facts on Lacey: She's in her mid-twenties and is single. She comes across as attractive and normal.... until you know her backstory. She got pregnant as a teenager and has two kids by two men. She was married to Dad#2 until he cheated. Then she started cheating WITH him on his currently-pregnant girlfriend. She felt zero guilt about this. Now Dad#1 has temporarily moved into her apartment with his new girlfriend. Lacey is now cheating with him instead. Again, she feels no guilt for doing this. Besides those scary facts, this is my biggest problem with her: She seems clueless about proper behavior when being friends with a man in a relationship. Here are some examples: - When Joe and I first started hanging out with her, we'd go out every weekend. Then I started realizing she had no interest in being friends with me. She ignored my existence 90% of the time and only talked to Joe about work or her life. Also, she would only text him, not me. I found it very rude and started not wanting to hang out with her. - While she was cheating with Dad#2, she would show Joe VERY EXPLICIT texts that Dad#2 would send her. Things like, "I wanna lick your *bleep* and make you *bleep* while you *bleep* my *bleep." I think it's very inappropriate that she showed these to my boyfriend. - She came over once to hang out. I got tired at midnight and went to bed. Instead of leaving soon after (which seems proper to me), she stayed and talked with Joe until after 1:00am. - She has asked to have dinner with Joe on a Friday/Saturday evening a few times. Once, they were out for about 6 hours. I ended up going to bed by myself. My boyfriend insisted that it was fine and normal. I feel it wasn't right. - The last time she came over, she kept pressuring my boyfriend to smoke a cigarette with her on our balcony, knowing that I wasn't happy about it. I didn't like the vibe I got from that. During this same evening, she talked about the banter she & Joe engage in through text. She sounded like a teenager bragging about thinly-veiled flirtation: "Omigod, like, he's SO MEAN to meeee! He said I was uglyyyy," she said while laughing. "Even when I make little sad faces in my text, he's still mean to meee!" ......... I just sat there like, Really? You think I wanna hear about what you two banter about? Joe insists that he knows what flirtation is, and doesn't flirt with her. - In the past month, she quit her job at the place where she and Joe worked. Now she has a lunch shift that coincides with Joe's. They've gotten lunch together a few times now. And she has posted two Instagram photos of them at lunch together. She likes referring to him as her BFF ("best friend forever"). In the second photo, she was pressed against his side with her hand wrapped around his upper arm. It was a pose that could be construed as either innocent or a bit too cozy. So that's it in a nutshell. I keep trying to avoid blaming Joe for condoning and going along with her questionable behavior (especially those dinners they used to get). I don't want to blame him because, all this time, he's been 100% upfront and honest about their interactions, and he said he'd never be inappropriate or cause problems. He also thinks I'm judging her too harshly and reading too far into her behavior. I think he's ignoring red flags, ESPECIALLY the fact that she's a shameless cheater! And I think he's egging her on by condoning questionable behavior: letting her take pictures of them together, buying her a funny shirt, texting her regularly, etc. I just don't know how to feel about this, guys. I hope you can tell me your thoughts about this. I know that asking him to end their friendship is out of the question. That's not my job as his girlfriend. But am I crazy for thinking she's behaving inappropriately? (Or is he behaving inappropriately too?) Am I crazy for thinking he shouldn't be hanging around with a woman who cheats shamelessly? Am I crazy for thinking that spending evenings alone with her is inappropriate from now on, now that they have the opportunity to get lunch together? I would really appreciate any advice or thoughts you guys have on my situation. It's so hard feeling so alone. :'(

Ask the community | trust, someone else, flirting

Girlfriend doesn't mention me

So my gf is on the phone with her best friend (she). My gf wants me to be quiet while she is on the phone with her; within 15 min her best friend ask about me and says how is your bf; my gf responded he’s good but doesn’t tell her I’m here with her ever.

User article | relationships, trust, secrecy, friends

“Gym friend hit on my wife”

I'll try and not be too long winded, but want to give an honest overall picture and ideally receive candid feedback. My wife works out at a gym without me (we do different styles of fitness). Over the course of time in that gym she has developed a gym family (it's a Crossfit gym) and group of friends that for the most part doesn't extend outside of the gym. At this gym there is one male who is known to be funny and very inappropriate with comments... most of us have known that guy at one time or another. That said he is liked and tolerated at the gym there. I've been fine with it as my wife and I both know our boundaries. At one point he made a reference calling her sweet cheeks when she walked by and she in her manner admonished him without being harsh (I know that was meant for so and so not me)... She told me and I was ok with it and how it was handled. The issue came one night when me and my wife were at a bar and ran into one of her girlfriends from the gym. Her friend snapped a selfie of her and my wife and sent it in their gym group text. The guy then replied with multiple texts as follows: Wow sexy pic!.. Very sexy!! Where are y'all? She replied with location. He then stated, On my way!! The girl I'm confident realized this isn't going to go well and snapped a pic with me in it and sent it on the feed... He then replied, Oh Damn, and went silent thereafter. To include not responding to messages from the girl asking if he was on the way etc. I obviously had issue with this as it wasn't even inappropriate humor but rather an attempt to engage with my wife and direct (humorless) comments made about her. She addressed it with him the next time at the gym and he was apologetic. The issue. I told her that I do not want her to continue any level of friendship with him. Saying hello in passing etc at the gym is OK, but beyond that I do not believe is acceptable. He made an attempt to come on to her and lost that privilege. Today he text her asking how I was with a sickness I just had and I told her I would prefer she doesn't respond. He doesn't need to text her under any condition even if to check on me etc... This invoked a conversation with her and basically she believes she should be able to not make it awkward in her gym and I'd he text an innocent text reply... or have innocent conversation. ' Who is wrong here? I also should note that I feel somewhat hurt that she isn't more angry at him with the situation and feels a need to assuage an awkwardness with him rather than consider the disrespect he leveled at her and me.

User article | trust, friends

Should I forgive him?

My boyfriend was talking inappropriate stuff with his girl bf who he kissed long back before we met and discussed about marriage also which didn't happen. After dating me also they both continued talking inappropriate stuff, when I got to know this I asked him to stop he stop talking to her now, and we are planning to marry. Recently I got to know that before when they were talking to each other my bf despite of being in relationship with me asked her for a meet up in a resort before attending their common friend's marriage but apparently the meet up didn't happen. Now should I forgive him or not?

User article | trust, lies, affair, jealousy, friends

Last straw! am I wrong?

So my boyfriend of 10 years with a few separation periods at one of them made a relationship with a female he soon would call his best friend so alot of drama and devastating situations came out of this friendship later he would convince me to try again at first said he would let that friendship go now he says it's not going to happen am I wrong for saying then I can't do this . I figured if he wanted to make this work there friendship had to go so much lies and cheating . It's no some long term friendship he had before use .

User article | trust, friends

Female friends

I want to ask this.. so I am ok with my fiancee having female friends but I want to know if I am being too lax. He has hx of being a player. I know he still talks to lots of females but assures me he only loves me and. Is faithful to me. I dont know names or have never met any of these female friends. Am i being naieve?

User article | trust, friends

My girlfriend has a new weird “best friend”

My girlfriend (42yo) and I (43yo) are together for almost 4 years. We live an hour away from each other and, as our respective kids are going to school at our respective place, where our exes also live. It is then impossible for us to live together, all 7 ( she has 3 kids, I have 2). Basically, we live one week away, with our kids, one week together. She recently bought a house and asked a guy she knew from before (a friend of her ex) some advices about the construction. This guy has a heavy past : he left his wife for a woman looking like my girlfriend (same type of person), then broke up and wanted to go back with his wife, but she did not wanted him back. He went back in touch with my girlfriend and started to explain her that he feels very bad because he is alone. He admitted that he had always liked her, even when she was with her ex. Then he started to date many girls (thank you Tinder), and kept telling her how good sex he had, then how much he is in love with the girl, then finally how sad he is because de relationship is not going like he would like and then he drops the girls and find another one. In the mean time he is so depressed because his ex-wife has a new boy friend and he pretends to be in love with her. Well, back to my problem, they really text each other those last time, at any time of the day, sometimes very late or early. He always shows up. When she tells him we go out somewhere, he is there too. It got worst the last week when he came to her place one evening I wasn’t there, with his daughter, and they had fun lol together. Then even the daughter now is texting every other week to ask what they are doing. We had many argument my girlfriend and I about this behavior and she minimizes their relationships. But today, as I am home with my kids, I realized he is there (thank tosmart doorbell), but she did not tell me. I texted her but . We texted tonight and she told me about her daughter friend being there, but nothing about the guy. She even sent me a picture of her daughter and the dog watching tv… but no mention of the guy. What should I do?

User article | trust, friends

My girlfriend's best friend

So I’m a woman and im a lesbian Well I am trying to not be upset about my gfs best friend because my gf told me months ago that her girl best friend and her best friends niece who is the same age as her bestie because she has a way older sister anyway, that her bestie and her niece both have said that they would date my gf even though one of them is married and the other has a boyfriend they both have children and we’ll I don’t like that it was said and my gf and her bestie and niece Snapchat everyday and I mean every single day and if my gf don’t reply to either of them in a timely manner they don’t like it. Which I find weird af, and also her bestie be coming off too flirty and I don’t appreciate it whatsoever I even saw where my gf was snap chatting the niece and she snap chatted a pic of her legs while she was in the bath or sometimes one of them is in a towel and I get so annoyed and then my hf ask me what’s wrong and I just have an attitude because I don’t know how to talk to her about this. I’m feeling like something is going on with them and my gf said that her besties husband told her he wouldn’t care if something happened like wtf. Of course this was said before we started dating but why would my hf tell me that because now I don’t trust those two woman. Also it seems like my gf has no problem saying nice things to her bestie but has a hard time complimenting me like she never gives me compliments but says she likes her besties hair when she dyes it and notices things about her and it makes me upset because why is it she can act more like her besties girlfriend and be kinder to her than to me? Am I being crazy? I just feel like she would rather be with her bestie because she talks about her all the time and her kids like she considers her besties kids her niece and that’s great but she will even compare us like if I tell my gf a story or something about my life she’ll be like well (enter her besties name here) didn’t get to do those things and it’s like they can’t go a day without talking to each other and sometimes feels like her besties gets more attention than me like she’ll be talking on the phone with her bestie while she’s working which she has to drive a lot for work and not get frustrated right but when I talk to her on the phone and she gets frustrated with other drivers she gets frustrated at me but doesn’t talk to her bestie like that ever and it’s starting make me feel some type of way and I don’t know how to talk to my girlfriend because we once had a argument about her bestie and my gf said if I can’t accept that her bestie is going to be in her life then I needed to let her know now. I can accept her being her friend but what I can accept is some other girl acting like she my gfs girlfriend and my gf treating her better than she treats me but I don’t know how to bring it up without it becoming a big argument and my gf telling her bestie everything which makes me upset because she has told her bestie that time I felt left out when my gf would go get her bestie and let her bestie ride with her while she worked and it was becoming often to where it seemed as if they only were to hang out when I was at work and then my gf told her bestie and apparently she told my gf she loved me of course she would say that but I feel like I need to keep an eye on her idk. And I find it weird when that incident happened that her bestie messaged my gf saying ever since me and my girlfriend started dating that her and my girlfriend haven’t had anyone alone time to hang out but she put in the message that don’t get me wrong I love (insert my name) but that wasn’t because she started dating me it was because of my gf ended up being on strict probation and has a lot of rules and so now she has a curfew and all these other things that take up a lot of her time so it had nothing to do with me and I don’t like that she tried putting it on me and I see right through that shit. Also I know what was said in the message because my gf had her phone on the phone holder while snapping her bestie and I said why did she say it like that and of course my gf defended her bestie like always look I know this all seems possible innocent and I maybe be reading too much into but my gut says otherwise and I just don’t know what to do.

User article | friends, trust, same-sex

"My partner's female friend"

I’ve been with my partner for 12 years. We moved house together into our dream home but had to leave because of some difficulties in the neighbourhood. During that time we met what I thought was a good friend to both of us. She didn’t work and neither did my partner so they used to catch up together regularly when I was at work. The relationship is now theirs. He talks about his friend and they often meet up together. I have seen a couple of what I believe are suggestive texts although both say there is nothing going on. It now feels as if I’m not part of the friendship but recently as I’m spending more time at home they haven’t met up as frequently; although she is always texting to ask when he is going to visit. I shared my concerns with my partner and he’s been more open saying when he’s going but I still don’t understand why they feel the need to only meet when I’m not there. I don’t like the way she encourages him to drink all the time either. She has a partner who’s not really interested in her and together they are always criticising her partner. I’ve even seen their texts criticising me. I’ve now heard that she spoke to his family saying that he is more withdrawn and not the same person he used to be and that because I’m at home more I’ve upset his routine, he doesn’t go out anymore and is withdrawing. Am I right to be concerned? Should she be talking to his family about this? Wouldn’t it be better to talk to me if she is concerned about him? I feel like she needs the attention from him that she doesn’t get from her partner. I did get frustrated and angry about it at one point and realise now that wasn’t the way to deal with it. I really don’t know what to do. It’s destroying me and our relationship.

User article | trust, friends

Affairs: a psychologist's perspective

This article was written by Prof Janet Reibstein, (co-author of Sexual Arrangements: Marriage and Affairs). The views expressed in this article are not necessarily shared by Click or OnePlusOne. Twenty years ago, I began an interview study of couples in which one person (at least) was having or had had an affair. As a new parent, I could not fathom how contemporaries of mine had the inclination or energy, never mind the time, to conduct one. Yet affairs, even among new parents, were happening and some of these couples presented themselves to my consulting room. The discovery of an affair at any stage of the relationship is still a chief reason couples come into therapy. I found, and so have others who bravely try to research this most difficult area (how do you study people’s secrets, for that’s what most are?), that people usually have affairs because they feel disappointed by marriage and are estranged in some way from the person they wanted to love and honour. They’d lost their way in love. Affairs struck me as primarily a symptom of people’s inadequacy in negotiating the changes of married life. How do affairs start? The arrival of children, work taking one or both away into different worlds, not managing disagreements and conflicts and resentment building in consequence, all contribute. Or all of these combined can lead to the start of an affair. The upshot of not catching things early is feeling misunderstood, neglected, unappreciated, unloved, or undesired. Drift sets in. With it goes hope and effort. Attention wanders. And couples find renewal arises away from home. Affairs can begin – and sometimes remain, a remedy for what particular light has gone out: just about sex, just about fun, just about talking and feeling understood. But sometimes they grow and become about love—the most dangerous kind for marriage (this applies even to ‘open marriages’). However, it’s possible, as research has shown that sometimes those affairs that stay limited and those that stay secret do not actually disturb the stability or commitment to the marriage (and the children in them), even if they might disturb the person having one. Dealing with the consequences But once an affair – except those tiny few ‘open marriages’ – becomes discovered or revealed, all marriages will suffer. This is related to how we understand marriage. We’re supposed to marry our best friends. We’re meant to be ‘intimate’ - to share innermost thoughts, private joys and troubles, ideas and pleasures. Thus, an act of intense intimacy and pleasure shared with someone other than our partner is like a dagger thrust first and then – the final betrayal- if kept secret from your ‘best friend’, repeatedly, is continual knifing at the heart of modern-day, best-friend-and-lover partnerships. Sometimes there’s a happy ending – sometimes not. But, as with all deep wounds, sometimes not. This marital drama’s been replayed over and over again in all my years in clinical practice. First I manage the wounds, and then return to the marriage: where, when, why the lights went out, before the wandering began.

User article | cheating, trust

“My wife is texting other men”

This is my first post, and I'm writing it after having just confronted my wife over messages on her phone. About 2 months ago, I start having suspicions over the amount of texts she was getting, so rightly or wrongly I managed to get her phone (which she normally guards like a monkey with nuts). I quick skim through her messages showed me that my older brothers best friend had been texting her with some really dodgy stuff. With this information, I entered my wife facebook page, and found even more messages in her trash that she obviously thought she had got rid off. I confronted the problem then, telling her to stop talking to him. For a while it seemed to be ok, then it started again last week. I walked in to the study to find her click off of a conversation on facebook she was having with someone.. i deliberately hung around till the reply pooped up on her screen, and guess who... its that fella again!!.. this time it didnt seem to be rude though. I asked her why she was talking to him again, to which I got accused of being a control freak and not letting her talk to anyone. That night I took myself downstairs to sleep on the sofa, next morning a gave her another clean slate and said nothing of it. However the issue must be on my mind, because as soon as she left her phone unguarded i checked again. Probably the wrong thing to do, but there were no sexually explicit texts this time thatI saw, just a few with some strong sexual references, suggesting sex on the beach.. and asking her if she was all wet?! (sorry if that offends anyone). I confronted it again, once again being accused of being a control freak.. and being told I should leave. However as soon as I suggested that I would seek custody for our son, stating he deserved better than a woman that would do this to her family it all changed... she wanted relationship counselling etc. What do I do? Just so you know the background, My wife was in a previous relationship, and had 3 children. She found out he was having an affair with a man at work and so they seperated, however I have heard part conversations of other versions, stating actually my wife was sleeping with his brother (yet again more secrecy). At 21 years old I took on the role of dad to these 3 boys that I now see as my own, however I know legally I have no standing. But Joseph is mine, after a very late miscarriage two christmases ago, where we lost a daughter at 7 months, we were lucky to conceive Joseph... and he is a little star.. his first word is Dada... and to be honest is probably the reason I've stuck around.

User article | cheating, trust

“My boyfriend thinks I'm hiding things”

I am at my wits end about an ongoing issue between myself and my boyfriend of 12 years. We haven't had the smoothest of relationships and have split numerous times over the years always instigated by him, always for the same issue. He has told me he doesn't trust me in the past because he says I hide things from him that have happened. Or I have lied about where I am going. Both things I disagree with but he shouts at me that much I end up agreeing and doubting myself. The latest incident was about three weeks ago I returned from a work trip and we were browsing through holidays. He took my phone from me and said I want to look on your facebook. I was shocked at his sudden demand and got angry that he was invading my privacy. He said he knew I had been messaging someone and accused me of turning up to his house a couple of weeks before with a love bite on my face (which was eyelash tint). He then asked me who had been sending me horse racing tips on twitter and I couldn't think what he was talking about until afterwards (channel 4 tipster that tweets, doesn't send me messages). He looked through my Facebook messages, twitter messages, text messages, questioned me about numbers and my internet history. When he was doing this I was getting angry and shouting at him. I panicked when he checked my internet history because I had looked at someone's twitter account the night before from my past (male). He asked me who the person was and I lied because, when I once searched for a friend he ended things with me. I should have told the truth immediately I realise that because I wasn't doing anything wrong, but my past experience with him scared me. I thought he would leave me again. After I had shouted at him to get out and told him I needed to sleep I texted him because I didn't want to sleep on an argument. He was continuing to say I was hiding something and I owned up to who the person was. He said there was more I was hiding and he called me all sorts of names. Since this I have proceeded to tell him that I wasn't hiding anything else and he still disbelieves me. We did meet up to talk a couple of days after and he said he didn't know what he wanted to do. We decided to go away from each other and meet again. When we did he told me he had kissed another girl a week after the incident and maybe more and has kept in contact with her. I felt cheated and he said we had already ended. He is now also claiming that the last time we split up I gave my phone number to someone he knew but didn't tell him when we started contact again. He claims I told him I had only chatted to him online. I don't remember saying this as it was a year and a half ago but don't think I would have lied about it. He first said I hadn't come to him and told him I had been chatting to this person and he had to ask me about it and said I wasn't open enough with him. I was then able to remember that he asked me during the first time we spoke so how could I have told him any sooner. He also says I lied about the place someone lived that I dated because one minute he said I told him it was one then a different. I also disagree with this and can only think I may have been talking about different people. I have told him I believe he has issues as I don't see the relevance of whether I chatted online or through text to someone, whether someone was from one or the other place and really he has no right to ask me about anything from when we were apart and not in contact as he had made the decision to end us. He says I have an issue telling the truth and will even be willing to come and explain it to a counsellor for me because I obviously don't know I am doing it. Am I in the wrong? I am losing my mind.

Ask the community | trust

“Caught my partner watching porn”

I don't know what hurt me the most. The fact i thought i knew him and thought he wasn't like that, the fact he KNOWS i don't like it and I've told him it would really hurt me or the fact he told me not to come round and pick him up and instead he'd wait for the car and meet me at mine in an hour (well now i no why he didn't want me to turn up!) Walking in on him last week really shocked me. His face when he slammed his laptop down and ran to the door and almost stopped me from coming in was weird!! And I am SUCH a fool! Immediately I thought porn but even though he had no pants on I still reminded myself not to assume as ironically its our 1 year anniversary next week and I thought he may be booking something. Ha!! Anyway, I asked him if it was good (i was actually only joking as i didn't see the toilet roll until after I'd asked it) and he said no not really and I nearly broke down in tears. Anyhow long story short I stormed out and drove home with my phone in my bag assuming he'd be ringing or texting asking why I left but NOTHING. It took me 20-25 minutes to get home and then when he did text he had a go at me!!! So when I phoned him (really upset and shouting) he initially said he did it for me. Later when he admitted he didn't know why he did it I then got him to admit that actually he was lying about "doing it for me". He claims he cant remember me telling him how much it would hurt me and says its the first time he's ever done it. However i'm finding it hard to believe that its such a coincidence that the first time he does it since being with me is the time i walk in on him doing it. I don't know what to do. Its our anniversary on Friday and I've only just started being able to put my arms round him n let him get close in bed and kissing and this happened last Wednesday! We have good sex n he does very nice things for me but the fact he obviously doesn't listen to me or care about my feelings means I'm struggling to get over it. How can I trust he wont do it again?? Please help!

Ask the community | pornography, trust

“My wife keeps texting her co-worker”

My wife recently took a new job. I will start off by saying she is very honest, loyal and has a history of being good friends with other men as well as women. I have never doubted her loyalty to me and continue to believe that she will be faithful. In addition, to be fair, I can be jealous at times (she never gets jealous) and have had moments of making something out of nothing on occasion. In her new job, she immediately became friends with a male co-worker who I know is mid-40s (she is 31). She insists it's nothing more than a friendship and that is her intention which is all that matters. They did end up out together one night for drinks after a few co-workers left and then a few days later he bought her an expensive bottle of wine which she told me about. I attempted to blow this off trusting my wife. The issue came up when I discovered texts from this man over the course of an evening until after midnight, including songs and videos he was sending her and a 30-minute phone conversation while I was out that evening. I then looked at her computer (I know I shouldn't have) and found that they were instant messaging each other all day at work. Nothing inappropriate but it wasn't all focused on work either. I confronted her after seeing this occur over several weeks - she insisted nothing was going on, he apologized the day after he texted and called her at night and that she had no bad intentions. Since then I assume they instant message each other during work and recently was at home and saw him text her at 10pm. I asked why he was texting her and she got pissed saying i didn't trust her. I trust my wife but I don't trust this other individual that I know sits next to her and works with her every day. She asked me what I want her to do - the problem is I want her to figure it out herself that she shouldn't respond to him after a certain time period. Am I wrong? I hate fighting with my wife and we see this very differently but I don't think I am wrong.

User article | trust, someone else

“Affair with best friend at work”

My best friend at work recently confessed that he was attracted to me and wanted to be with me physically. He is in a LTR and I am married. He told me he had been feeling that way for over a year and that he liked me a lot. He said he knew the feeling was mutual and the sexual tension between us was off the charts. I agreed that I was always attracted to him but I felt safe flirting with him because I'm married and he's 9 years younger than me. He was always honest with me about cheating on all his girlfriends. He said this is the longest relationship he's been in that he hasn't cheated yet. He hates commitment. He always said he doesn't want to get married because he can't imagine being with one person for the rest of his life. I told him this was crazy and it could ruin our lives and our friendship. He kept trying to convince me it would just be two friends having fun and it doesn't have to mean anything. I said I should be honest and say that at home everything is good. I really do love my husband and family and we don't really have an major issues. Two days after this conversation this guy kissed me. Not just a quick innocent kiss. He came up to me, held my face and looked in my eyes and kissed me very passionately. It was extremely intense. I stopped him and told him I needed a minute and he just held me tight and said "I've wanted to do that for so long" then we kissed some more. After that things got hot and heavy. Lots of sexting and some more make out sessions. Then we had sex. It was an amazing night. Without going into details we clearly both enjoyed it. He begged me to stay the night and I did. We had sex in the morning again. The next few weeks we talked a bit about it and if it was going to happen again but he started to get distant. I confronted him and he finally told me he felt guilty about cheating and that has never happened to him before. He said he wasn't over this whole thing he just needed time. So I tried to give him space. Then a few times just to see where his head was at I asked him if he wanted to hook up and he just said maybe but nothing happened. So I confronted him one more time and asked him flat out if all of it was just a game to sleep with me. He said absolutely not, he said he just felt guilty and he was still trying to process it. But then he tells me not to worry cause it's definitely happening again. Well after a few weeks I hadn't been sleeping right and tired of wondering what was going on I decided I needed it to be over. I told him I thought we should both agree that we lost our minds for a few weeks and we should just be friends. I said I need him more as my friend than I need to have sex with him. He agreed and that's where I left it. Things have been ok at work but now I find my self wondering what the whole point of this was. If he was ever really my friend why would he want me to risk everything just for sex? He's a good looking guy and I'm not really the type of girl people are making moves on. I'm cute at best but I'm not hot. Part of me thinks he had feelings for me and being with me scared him and part of me thinks he really just needed something to chase to get out of a rut with his girlfriend. I just hate not having answers. Does anyone have insight into this kind of thing?

User article | cheating, trust, sex

Unpack the issue: jealousy and trust

To unpack this issue over the next few pages, we’re going to use this three-step approach: Look at WHAT the specific jealousy or trust issue is for you. Look at WHY this issue might be happening to you. Look at HOW you can help deal with it in a practical way. This approach offers a great way to unpack many other relationship issues and make sense of things. Throughout this journey, we hope to give you plenty of things you can take away and start practising in your relationships right away. Click ‘Next article’ when you’re ready to continue. The whole thing should take about 15 minutes. If at any time you want to start again with a different category, just select one of the options at the bottom of the page.

Activity | jealousy, trust, YP

“Do trust issues ever go away?”

I've been in a relationship with my now girlfriend for about 3 years. We have been living together for about 2 years. We recently have had some trust issues (going both ways), and though we have everything worked out, things feel a little "weird", and I'm wondering - will that feeling ever go away? Without getting into too much detail, she hacked into my email account (which is where I am having a difficult time with the trust), but admittedly she found some things that shouldn't have been there (which is where she is having a tough time). Specifically, a month or so ago, I had posted an ad in Backpage - it wasn't a serious ad, nor did it have any serious intentions, or real intentions at all. I sound like a terrible person writing this, but for years in the past, I had posted fake ads on Backpage looking for the responses to get some sick jolly out of it. I realize how wrong it was now, but - I'm wondering, will this weird feeling ever go away? And more specifically - I feel like while I will get over this issue, and though she says she is over it, I'm wondering if ever truly will be, or will ever truly trust me? People have much worse issues (actual physical cheating, gambling, ETC.) that strong relationships can prevail over - right? Or not so much? Thank so much for any insight or help.

User article | trust

“Something she said years ago”

We've been together for over 30 years...since high school. About 25 years ago, we had a big argument, enough of one that I stormed out for long walk to get my head straight. When I returned, we were both sorry it had happened and the first words to come out of her mouth was, "I made a mistake." At the time, less experience in hand, I assumed that to mean that she was sorry for the argument but now I wonder if she was. Why didn't she say, "I'm sorry", or "It was my fault", or "I shouldn't have gotten mad", or something along those lines. But she said she made a mistake, which leads me to wonder, as I have for many years, if she was trying to fess up to having cheated, which may explain why we got into an argument over something stupid to begin with...her feeling guilty. Truly, a person doesn't make a mistake when they cheat, as it's a choice, not an accidental choice either as it would have to be planned. So in anyone's estimation, is it likely that I have cause for wonder? Did she cheat and when I didn't pursue her statement she decided not to bring it up again thinking all was in the past? This has bothered me on and off for years and pops into my head every great once in a while when something reminds me of those times in the past. I even asked her about this a couple of years ago and she said she didn't remember saying that but it had to be because of our argument. If I found it to be true, I'd most likely forgive her, as it would have happened years before we were married. And it would give me a feeling a finally knowing the truth so that I could put it behind me. Should I ask her again and be steadfast that I want a real answer and explain to her my misgivings about her choice of words having given me this thought? What is the likelihood she really did cheat?

User article | trust, arguments

“How to move on from this?”

So my boyfriend of almost 2 years told me the other day that while I was away staying at my mother's house he had someone over to our apartment and received oral sex from them. We do not have a very good sex life because of the medications I am on and I just don't have much interest. But we do have sex on occasion. He is VERY sexual and needs to have sex every day to "de-stress." He justifies his action because I "don't give him any" and he has "urges." He takes me not being sexual very personally. It is like a drug to him and he is very addicted to it. He thinks that I understand why he did what he did and that we are moving on but I have been thinking to myself over and over if this is going to work or how to move on from this. I'm not sure what I should do next to address the situation?

User article | cheating, trust, sex