Once you’re no longer living together, you’re classed as separated for tax and benefit purposes. Separating from your partner may mean that you become entitled to new benefits and tax credits or higher amounts of benefits than you already receive. If you or your ex-partner were claiming benefits for the family before you separated, it’s important to tell Jobcentre Plus and HM Revenue & Customs straight away. Keeping them up to date about your change in circumstances can help you avoid being overpaid or losing out on money. Qualifying for extra benefits could make a big difference to the options available to you, particularly when it comes to the cost of housing. If the parent with the main care of the children can work at least 16 hours a week, they may qualify for Working Tax Credit. This benefit can make a substantial difference to a single parent’s income, so it may be worthwhile financially if you can manage this. If you have permanently separated from your partner, you can claim benefits and tax credits as a single person immediately. If your separation is temporary or on a trial basis, you may not be able to claim these benefits while there is still a chance you may get back together. For advice and practical support with benefits and tax credits, contact your local free advice centre, such as Citizens Advice, or called the Gingerbread Single Parent Helpline free on 0808 802 0925. You can find further detailed information on page four of the factsheet 'Action to take when a relationship ends',  produced by the charity Gingerbread who provide expert advice and practical support for single parents.

Parental responsibility is a legal term that means you have the right to be involved in important decisions like your child’s living arrangements, education, religion and medical treatment. It’s not automatically given to all fathers, so it’s important to understand how it works, particularly if you’re going through a separation and dealing with childcare arrangements. Who has parental responsibility? Being the child’s biological father does not automatically give you parental rights. If you weren’t married when your child was born, you may not have parental responsibility. This will depend on how the birth was registered. Registering the birth of your child All births should be registered within 42 days (six weeks) of the baby being born. Birth certificates are required to have the details of the biological mother and – where possible – the details of the biological father.In other words, if you’re not married to the child’s mother, you need to be present at the birth registration to guarantee your right to parental responsibility. Who can register the birth? It is usually the mother’s responsibility to register the birth, but the father can do it on his own if he is married to the mother. An unmarried father can only register the birth on his own if the mother has made a statutory declaration acknowledging him as the father of the child, or if he brings along a parental responsibility agreement or a court order. When an unmarried father doesn’t sign the birth register, his details aren’t included on the birth certificate and he is not given parental responsibility. If this is the case for you, there are two ways to get parental responsibility: Make a statutory declaration acknowledging that you are the father. The mother must give this to the registrar. Present a parental responsibility agreement or court order at the register office. It’s also possible to re-register the birth at a later date to include your details. You’ll need the mother to agree to this. What is parental responsibility? Parental responsibility (PR) is a legal term, defined in the Children Act 1989 as: “all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authorities which by law a parent of a child has in relation to the child and his property”. Without parental responsibility, you don’t have any right to be involved in important decisions like where the child lives and goes to school. You could also be left out of big decisions like taking the child out of the country. Since 1 December 2003, fathers who register a child’s birth with the mother automatically have parental responsibility. If your child’s birth was registered before this date and you were not married to the mother, you can apply to re-register the birth with the mother’s agreement, or apply for a court order or agreement. You automatically have parental responsibility if: You are the biological mother of the child. You are the father of the child and are married to (or later marry) the mother. You are an unmarried father and are registered on the birth certificate (this only applies to births registered since 1 December 2003). You have adopted the child. You do not have parental responsibility if: You are an unmarried father and are not registered on the birth certificate. You are not the biological parent, even if your partner is. You can get parental responsibility in the following ways: If you are the biological father: You can re-register the birth with the mother. You can make a PR agreement with the mother’s consent. You can apply to the court for a PR order if the mother refuses to make an agreement. If you are the partner of the biological parent and your partner’s child lives with you, you can get PR in one of several ways: You can ask the court for a residence order. You can make a PR agreement with consent from the child’s parents. You can apply for a court order. You can apply for an adoption order. Further support Gov.uk has more information on parental rights and responsibilities.

We get lots of questions about what to do when a former partner breaches contact arrangement rules. In some cases, people have found that the other parent won’t co-operate, or is late or doesn’t show up. But, of course, every case is different and the circumstances that lead a parent to breach contact arrangements change from person to person. Here, Charlotte Sherborne, an Associate at Hugh James Solicitors who specialises in family law, explains what happens if a former partner breaches contact order arrangements: One of the most difficult parts of separation for parents is agreeing on contact arrangements for the children. If an amicable arrangement can’t be achieved, many parents can then choose to go through mediation or, as a last resort, issue Children Act proceedings to ask a court to decide what should happen. Sadly, for some parents this is not the end of the story.Having obtained a court order, many parents find their former partner breaches the order, leaving them once again being denied contact with their children. What can you do if a court order is breached? If there are regular and intentional breaches of an order by a former partner then it may be necessary to bring the matter back to court and to bring enforcement proceedings. However, this should be a last resort as it only causes more friction and expense.Depending on the case and the nature of the breaches involved, the court has the power to order community service or a fine, and, in cases of the most serious and repeated breaches, a court can have the power to issue a prison sentence, although this is very rare indeed as often the parent breaching the order is also the children’s primary carer. So, what is the best approach to take? Try to sort things out amicably, get a proper understanding of your rights, manage your expectations and constantly review your child’s circumstances. This will result in the least amount of conflict. It also gives you the flexibility and goodwill that is very hard to achieve if you go through the court process.  Charlotte qualified as a solicitor in 2003. Throughout her career Charlotte has worked and practised law in London, most recently at the leading niche firm Family Law in Partnership LLP. She now works at Hugh James where she specialises in Family Law, Divorce and separation, Pre-nuptials and living together.

The Dispatches programme Sharing Mum and Dad provoked a lively Twitter debate among our followers including mums, dads and legal experts. The programme saw presenter Tim Lovejoy, who is divorced with two children, try to unpick the practicalities and legal complexities of shared parenting. If controversial Government proposals go ahead, a new clause will be inserted into the Children’s Act 1989 which states: …to presume that a child’s welfare will be furthered by the involvement of each of the child’s parents in his or her life, unless it can be shown that such involvement would not in fact further the child’s welfare. The Dispatches programme was an important one in that it brought a debate that had only been happening among academics, legal experts and professionals to a much wider audience. With one in three UK children experiencing family breakdown, the programme posed the crucial question: are we doing enough?  However, it set itself a tough challenge in trying to explore both the concept of shared parenting and asking if current legislation is working in just thirty minutes. The programme explained shared parenting as being the ‘alternative’ to one parent (usually the mother) being awarded sole responsibility by the courts, which ignores important aspects of the debate. The term ‘shared parenting’ can be problematic, particularly if parents interpret it to mean that they ‘get a share’ of the child. Splitting a child’s time 50/50 often places a huge amount of stress on their shoulders as it’s very hard to live in two homes and manage the practicalities of friends, school, etc. Often it is easier for a child – especially a very young child – to have their main home in one place. It is the court’s duty to do what is in the best interests of the child. While the quality of the parent-child relationship requires regular contact, equal access to both parents is always practical or in the child’s best interests – despite what parents feel. Parents should share responsibility for their children but that requires ex-partners, who are often hurt and angry, to look beyond their own needs and feelings and communicate well with each other. Separated parents need to co-operate and establish a new type of relationship with each other, focused on what is best for their children rather than themselves.

Anger is a natural and common response to loss. Anybody going through a relationship breakdown is likely to get angry at some point. However, anger can sometimes be scary – not just for the person on the receiving end, but also for the person experiencing it. The intensity of feeling can make you feel like you’re out of control.  You may swing unpredictably from feelings of rage and revenge, to insecurity and sadness, and back again. Simply feeling angry is not necessarily a matter for concern, but how you deal with that anger is important. Feeling angry can be healthy when it gives you the energy to get on and take control; when it protects your self-esteem and helps you to stand up for yourself. It might also help you to separate emotionally from your ex. However, it’s important to remember the following Don’t bottle up your anger and turn it inwards. This can make you less available to your children, depriving them of the valuable relationship they have with you. In extreme cases, it can even lead to depression.   Don’t express your anger as aggression. Aggression, including the silent or passive kinds) can damage you and the people around you. Witnessing conflict is frightening for children and can have damaging effects. Anger directed at the children’s other parent will interfere with the development of a co-parenting relationship and will affect the quality of your children’s relationships with both parents. To make sure that your anger works through in a healthy way, talk about your feelings to trusted friends and family, or a professional counsellor. Take care of yourself – eat well and get some exercise. If you feel your anger is becoming a problem, you may need to change the way you think You may think you have a right to be angry and that whoever it’s directed at deserves it. Ask yourself what good the anger is doing. Weigh this up against the damage it could be doing to you and your children. You may think it’s OK to be angry because it doesn’t affect anyone else. However, it doesn’t do you any good to remain stuck in the past, unable to move on and, no matter how hard you try to keep things in, the people around you may still be affected by your anger. You may see anger as a way to get what you want. Try to let go of this and aim for positive communication. You will stand a much better chance of coming to an agreement with your ex when you can discuss things calmly. To get through an angry phase, you may need to acknowledge past pain. If you feel that your response to the current situation is disproportionate, it’s possible that you’re still reacting past injustices. Although you can’t do anything to change your experiences, you can work on changing your attitude towards them. It can be difficult to do this alone and counselling could help you to explore your feelings in a safe way. If you are being affected by your partner’s anger If your ex’s anger seems extreme or if they seem to be stuck in anger and unable to move on, you may need to protect yourself by limiting your contact with your ex. Your priority is to make yourself and your children safe. You may need to involve a solicitor to help and advise you. The Domestic Violence Helpline offers confidential support and information 24 hours a day.

Before you apply for a court order it is worth remembering that judges will expect you to have tried to agree. You and your ex have joint responsibility for working out the arrangements for your children. This duty continues when you separate, even if you have never lived together. If you can’t talk to each other, you will be expected to ask for help from a mediator or a solicitor. The court will expect each parent to put forward their case. It is the court’s duty to put the child’s welfare first. It can be hard for parents to accept that what they ask for may not be what is best for the child. What courts say is best for a child For parents to encourage the child to have a good relationship with the other parent. For parents to have a ‘good enough’ relationship with each other. For the child to spend time with both parents. The law sees it as the child’s right to have regular, personal contact unless there is a very good reason not to. In the rare cases where contact is denied, the court will have been satisfied that the child’s safety is at risk. Denial of contact is unusual and in most cases the contact ordered will be frequent and substantial, considering the child’s age and all the circumstances. In some cases, contact will be arranged on an interim basis which will be subject to review until the Court is satisfied that the amount and frequency of contact is right. Non-payment of child support is not a reason the court would consider denying contact. Summary If you want to change agreed arrangements, the court will expect you to make sure the other parent agrees first or that you have used the help of a mediator or solicitor before going to court. Experience shows that court-imposed orders tend to work less well than agreements made between parents. Court proceedings are good for restoring contact when it has stopped and increasing it when it is insufficient. However, going to court does not necessarily improve the parenting relationship, which is so important to children’s wellbeing. While family mediation offers parents a chance to improve their relationship and focus on the needs of the child, going to court tends to teach couples how to argue! Having a court order If there is a court order in place you must do what it says, even if you don’t agree with it. If you want to do something different, you must apply to the court to have it varied or discharged.

Some dads fall in love with their babies as soon as they see them, but that isn’t everyone’s experience. If your baby seems like a stranger, you needn’t panic. Love at first sight is by no means common and, like all relationships, the bond between father and child takes time to develop. Lots of new dads feel under pressure to make all the right noises, but the reality of fatherhood can be different to your expectation. You may feel like a bit of a spare part too, particularly in the first few weeks when it seems to be all about mother and baby. Though it may be tough to admit to it, a little jealousy is completely natural too. Your bond with your child will grow as you spend more time together and get to know each other better. This will happen naturally over time but there are some things you can do to speed the process along. It may seem obvious, but try to keep in mind that you are dealing with another human being. Your baby has its own personality and moods, and that character will soon shine through. For many fathers, it doesn’t become clear how much personality babies are born with until the birth of their second child, and the revelation that they are not the same. So, how do you get to know a new born baby whose whole world seems to revolve around their mum? Here are some top tips: Give yourself some credit. Don’t be put off by the fact that most baby products and services are aimed at mothers. Be proud of the important role you play in your baby’s life. Don’t worry about how you’re supposed to feel. Becoming a dad is a shock to the system. Let yourself feel whatever you feel. Talk to your partner or a trusted friend; or, ask a professional like your health visitor, or someone from your local Children’s Centre. You could also make a post on Click, as there may be someone reading who has been through something similar to what you’re going through now. Take part in the baby’s routine. Get involved with feeding, burping, bathing, cuddling, carrying, changing nappies, and so on. Your involvement with the baby can just as significant as you make it, and this quality time will help you get to know each other. Be silly. Sing to your baby, and dance around to your favourite tunes. Invent games, and explore your inner child. You will soon learn what makes your baby smile, and when you do you won’t be able to stop. Smile at your baby. It sounds obvious but there is very little more rewarding than seeing your baby smiling toothlessly back at you. Hold your baby. Don’t shy away from physical contact. Having a warm baby sleep on your chest is a great way to relax. Cuddles and tickles help build bonds too.

When parents first separate Couples separate in all sorts of ways: at one extreme, there’s the long talked about and planned separation and, at the other, there’s the sudden walkout, completely out of the blue. Thankfully, the majority fall somewhere in between. Separating from your partner can bring about some of the most open and honest conversations you have had for a long time. This is the point when many couples express the wish to be amicable and to give priority to making sure their children are all right. These are important moments that can make a big difference to how your family weathers the storm. However, when reality sets in post-separation, it can be hard to stick to these genuine intentions. It’s hard not to be angry or upset with your ex, when faced with the stress and worry of all the adjustments you have to make. Because things may not always go smoothly, it helps to be clear about what your most important goals are for the future. Here are two that you might want to consider: To commit to supporting your children in having a free and uncomplicated relationship with the other parent. To keep whatever feelings you have about each other separate from your co-parenting relationship. These principles can serve as foundations for everything you do as co-parents. You may want to personalise them and add your own details. Parents’ communication post-separation Having blocks of time when you do not see your children means both of you will miss out on some of the things your children are doing. It’s important to remember that children notice if one parent isn’t aware of things that are important to them – things like a school project, a lost toy or a fall from a bike. It’s not realistic to expect to have a full report of everything that happens to the children, but you should try to aim for regular updates to keep everyone involved. When you are co-parenting, communication has to become a more deliberate and thoughtful exercise than it was before. If you are the main carer, you are a vital link between the children’s day-to-day life and their other parent. The more you pass on, the easier the transition will be for the children going between the two homes. If you are the non-resident parent, it’s up to you to take an active interest in all aspects of the children’s lives. Don’t leave it all to your ex to keep you updated with the children’s news – ask how they are getting on, what they’ve been up to, and when the next parent’s evening is. Children feel secure and cared for when parents communicate clearly. Don’t leave it to the children to pass on their news and never ask children to communicate with their other parent on your behalf. You might find it impossible to imagine talking frequently and easily with your ex about the children. Some parents fall into conversation quite easily after separation but, for others, it can take years to feel OK. Take small steps and accept that it might take some time to get it right. When communication is difficult Communication can be difficult because: You feel too anxious, angry, or upset to speak to the other parent. You always end up arguing – it’s easier to not talk at all. The other parent refuses to speak to you. You feel the other parent is more powerful than you. You simply don’t like the other parent. You struggled to communicate even when you were together. Why it’s worth the effort In the long run, it will be easier on everyone if you find a way of communicating with your ex that works for you both. Children’s needs change as they grow older, and your life will change too – you need to be able to sit down together and talk about how these changes will affect you. Keeping the dialogue open and developing some goodwill makes the difficult conversations that much easier There are affordable divorce plans available from our partners at amicable, who have people available to talk through some of your options.