During a breakup, many couples face the prospect of living under the same roof for some time – often for financial reasons. Your home, once a place of comfort and rest from the outside world, can become a place of anger and tension; a place where you can no longer relax. This can put a big strain on the whole family and your children will feel the effects of this unhappy atmosphere. But there are some simple things you can do to help make the situation more tolerable. The first thing is to acknowledge the stress that you’re both under and make a plan to manage the situation so that everyone feels a little bit better. Communication It may be helpful to agree to limit your conversations to practical matters. Agree a time and place for the more difficult conversations that can arise from breaking up. Keeping these two areas separate will help you to maintain a calm environment for yourselves and your children. Children Consider how you will share your parenting responsibilities. Taking it in turns to be the parent ‘on duty’ at weekends and the evenings gives you both a chance to have time off. It also gives you a chance to test out possible parenting arrangements for when you live apart. Personal time and space It may not be practical to divide up your home into separate areas but it’s important to respect each other’s privacy. Look for opportunities to go out and give each other some space – consider staying with friends or family occasionally, if this is practical. Time apart from each other gives you a chance to relax, feel normal and recharge your batteries. Make sure you both get a chance to do this from time to time. Living arrangements You may be happy to continue managing the household chores in the same way as before. However, if you do want to make changes, try to avoid misunderstandings by making sure you both understand what you are each expected to do.

When parents first separate Couples separate in all sorts of ways: at one extreme, there’s the long talked about and planned separation and, at the other, there’s the sudden walkout, completely out of the blue. Thankfully, the majority fall somewhere in between. Separating from your partner can bring about some of the most open and honest conversations you have had for a long time. This is the point when many couples express the wish to be amicable and to give priority to making sure their children are all right. These are important moments that can make a big difference to how your family weathers the storm. However, when reality sets in post-separation, it can be hard to stick to these genuine intentions. It’s hard not to be angry or upset with your ex, when faced with the stress and worry of all the adjustments you have to make. Because things may not always go smoothly, it helps to be clear about what your most important goals are for the future. Here are two that you might want to consider: To commit to supporting your children in having a free and uncomplicated relationship with the other parent. To keep whatever feelings you have about each other separate from your co-parenting relationship. These principles can serve as foundations for everything you do as co-parents. You may want to personalise them and add your own details. Parents’ communication post-separation Having blocks of time when you do not see your children means both of you will miss out on some of the things your children are doing. It’s important to remember that children notice if one parent isn’t aware of things that are important to them – things like a school project, a lost toy or a fall from a bike. It’s not realistic to expect to have a full report of everything that happens to the children, but you should try to aim for regular updates to keep everyone involved. When you are co-parenting, communication has to become a more deliberate and thoughtful exercise than it was before. If you are the main carer, you are a vital link between the children’s day-to-day life and their other parent. The more you pass on, the easier the transition will be for the children going between the two homes. If you are the non-resident parent, it’s up to you to take an active interest in all aspects of the children’s lives. Don’t leave it all to your ex to keep you updated with the children’s news – ask how they are getting on, what they’ve been up to, and when the next parent’s evening is. Children feel secure and cared for when parents communicate clearly. Don’t leave it to the children to pass on their news and never ask children to communicate with their other parent on your behalf. You might find it impossible to imagine talking frequently and easily with your ex about the children. Some parents fall into conversation quite easily after separation but, for others, it can take years to feel OK. Take small steps and accept that it might take some time to get it right. When communication is difficult Communication can be difficult because: You feel too anxious, angry, or upset to speak to the other parent. You always end up arguing – it’s easier to not talk at all. The other parent refuses to speak to you. You feel the other parent is more powerful than you. You simply don’t like the other parent. You struggled to communicate even when you were together. Why it’s worth the effort In the long run, it will be easier on everyone if you find a way of communicating with your ex that works for you both. Children’s needs change as they grow older, and your life will change too – you need to be able to sit down together and talk about how these changes will affect you. Keeping the dialogue open and developing some goodwill makes the difficult conversations that much easier There are affordable divorce plans available from our partners at amicable, who have people available to talk through some of your options.

When a married or civil partnered couple ends their relationship, they need to go through a formal process of divorce or dissolution. Couples who are not married or civil partnered can separate without having to go through any formal process. However, splitting up can be more difficult for couples who are not married and not civil partnered, because there is no recognised structure for sorting things out. This can be particularly difficult if you have children. Whether you are married, civil partnered, or not, the court has the power to intervene in relation to the care of children. If you have an issue over your children and have applied to court to sort it out, some family courts will offer a mediation or conciliation service. Counselling and mediation services are available for all couples, parents and families. Deciding on the most appropriate service will depend on what the unresolved issues are. Mediation can deal with finances, separation and children; whereas conciliation deals specifically with issues relating to children. See the following links for more information: Advicenow – breaking up survival guide Cafcass  – information for children and their families involved in family court proceedings Counselling directory – find a local counselling service Resolution – find family lawyers, mediators and other relationship professionals Find your local council on gov.uk – your local council should be able to tell you about family services available in your area. Dividing assets It is always best to try and reach an agreement with your ex-partner about how to sort out your finances and assets. Getting lawyers involved can be very expensive – perhaps even more expensive than the value of the items in question. If you can’t sort things out on your own, it is worth considering a mediation service. If you are not married and not civil partnered, the following general rules apply: If you alone paid for something, it belongs to you. If you bought something together, you own it jointly. If you bought something and your contributions were unequal, then your share in it will be equal to the contribution you made. However, what you do or say to each other at different times can change the above rules. For example, if you buy something but say to your partner, ‘this is yours’ or ‘this belongs to both of us’ a court can later regard you as having created ‘a trust’ and can hold you to that promise. It is always better to have a written record of ownership. Or you may be regarded as having created a ‘trust by implication’ – this means that what you had said or done led to the conclusion that something you bought on your own is now shared or was given to your partner. Child maintenance As a parent, your financial responsibility for your child continues after your relationship with the other parent has ended. Child maintenance is regular financial support towards a child’s everyday living costs. It is paid to the parent with the main day-to-day care of the child by the other parent. Receiving child maintenance will not affect any other benefits you are entitled to, including those that are means tested. You have two options for arranging maintenance: a private arrangement; or a statutory (legal) arrangement. The Child Maintenance Service can help with setting up both kinds of arrangements. You can arrange child maintenance privately between yourselves without any official or legal intervention, in whatever way best suits your circumstances. The Child Maintenance Service offers free help and tools to set up this kind of ‘family-based child maintenance arrangement’ Further information Child Maintenance Options offers impartial information and advice to help parents make informed choices about child maintenance. Call the free helpline on 0800 988 0988 or use the Live Chat service from 8am to 8pm Monday to Friday or 9am to 4pm Saturday. The Child Maintenance Service is the statutory body responsible for the child maintenance system.

Child contact centres are neutral places where children meet the mother or father who no longer lives at home with them. The centres provide a valuable service in allowing contact to take place which otherwise might not happen. There are two types of child contact services – supported and supervised.  Supported child contact centres are often held in community centres or church halls. They have facilities to help children build up or maintain their bond with the non-resident parent and other family members. Staff and volunteers are available to assist parents and help create a comfortable atmosphere.  They also deal with the handover of the child so ex-partners don’t need to meet. The staff are completely impartial and are not there to monitor or write reports about parents.  The only things recorded are the dates and times of attendance.  If the contact goes well – and everyone agrees – the next step might be for the parent and child to spend some time together outside of the contact centre. Sometimes the contact centre is used just to help with the handovers. After a while, many parents will feel confident enough that the contact centre is no longer needed. If you feel that a contact centre would be helpful to you, visit NACCC or talk to your solicitor, social worker, health visitor or doctor. In most cases, you will need a referral. Supported contact centres are suitable for families where no significant risks have been identified for the child or those around them. Where there are risk factors, supervised contact may be necessary. Supervised contact gives priority to the physical safety and emotional wellbeing of a child. It also assists in building and sustaining positive relationships between a child and members of their non-resident family. This requires skilled supervisors who are confident enough to intervene if necessary and can work with vulnerable children and distressed adults. Referrals will usually be made by a court, Cafcass officer, local authority, or another child contact centre.

Parental responsibility is a legal term that means you have the right to be involved in important decisions like your child’s living arrangements, education, religion and medical treatment. It’s not automatically given to all fathers, so it’s important to understand how it works, particularly if you’re going through a separation and dealing with childcare arrangements. Who has parental responsibility? Being the child’s biological father does not automatically give you parental rights. If you weren’t married when your child was born, you may not have parental responsibility. This will depend on how the birth was registered. Registering the birth of your child All births should be registered within 42 days (six weeks) of the baby being born. Birth certificates are required to have the details of the biological mother and – where possible – the details of the biological father.In other words, if you’re not married to the child’s mother, you need to be present at the birth registration to guarantee your right to parental responsibility. Who can register the birth? It is usually the mother’s responsibility to register the birth, but the father can do it on his own if he is married to the mother. An unmarried father can only register the birth on his own if the mother has made a statutory declaration acknowledging him as the father of the child, or if he brings along a parental responsibility agreement or a court order. When an unmarried father doesn’t sign the birth register, his details aren’t included on the birth certificate and he is not given parental responsibility. If this is the case for you, there are two ways to get parental responsibility: Make a statutory declaration acknowledging that you are the father. The mother must give this to the registrar. Present a parental responsibility agreement or court order at the register office. It’s also possible to re-register the birth at a later date to include your details. You’ll need the mother to agree to this. What is parental responsibility? Parental responsibility (PR) is a legal term, defined in the Children Act 1989 as: “all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authorities which by law a parent of a child has in relation to the child and his property”. Without parental responsibility, you don’t have any right to be involved in important decisions like where the child lives and goes to school. You could also be left out of big decisions like taking the child out of the country. Since 1 December 2003, fathers who register a child’s birth with the mother automatically have parental responsibility. If your child’s birth was registered before this date and you were not married to the mother, you can apply to re-register the birth with the mother’s agreement, or apply for a court order or agreement. You automatically have parental responsibility if: You are the biological mother of the child. You are the father of the child and are married to (or later marry) the mother. You are an unmarried father and are registered on the birth certificate (this only applies to births registered since 1 December 2003). You have adopted the child. You do not have parental responsibility if: You are an unmarried father and are not registered on the birth certificate. You are not the biological parent, even if your partner is. You can get parental responsibility in the following ways: If you are the biological father: You can re-register the birth with the mother. You can make a PR agreement with the mother’s consent. You can apply to the court for a PR order if the mother refuses to make an agreement. If you are the partner of the biological parent and your partner’s child lives with you, you can get PR in one of several ways: You can ask the court for a residence order. You can make a PR agreement with consent from the child’s parents. You can apply for a court order. You can apply for an adoption order. Further support Gov.uk has more information on parental rights and responsibilities.