I have been in a marriage for almost three years and have a baby less than a year old. Unfortunately there is no spark or intimacy in the marriage and i just feel like friends. My spouse doesn’t feel the same, they’re still in love with me but there hasn’t been any intimacy for a long time. I met someone over a year ago who I immediately clicked with and after a few months we couldn’t stop talking to each other and have since been having an affair. I ended up getting pregnant and having a baby with my spouse, but all along feeling like I didn’t want to be in the marriage anymore. Things are serious with my lover as we have said we’re in love each other and want a future together. I’m struggling to end my marriage because we have a young baby and so much to lose, but the spark isn’t there and I don’t feel any chemistry with my spouse anymore. I have told my spouse about the lack of chemistry but not the affair as I’m ashamed. Recently the person I’m having the affair with has decided to end it, saying they want to be with me and have a future together but cannot carry on in the situation we’re in. There have been a few red flags in the affair, a lot of arguments and conflict because of the situation and when the affair was ended; immediately talked of dating others and said it’s none of my business because I’m married. I want to be with this person but I don’t want to hurt anyone and want to do what is best for my baby. I’m really struggling with losing my relationship with my lover and can’t stop getting upset. I don’t know what to do. Anyone else been in a similar position?

My husband and I made the decision to separate late last year and have recently moved out. He has now needed to leave town for work. Our separation came at the end of a long relationship that began 14 years ago (at 16 and 25) and has putted along, not altogether unhappily but with discontent and basically living completely separate lives for the last 5 or so years. We have one child together who is intense behaviourally and he has not been supportive of my struggles with her, so I have worked part time and managed her as best I can while he has worked full.time and pursued his own interests and hobbies at leisure, never feeling that time at home or helping with our child should be prioritised. Last year it culminated in him travelling overseas several times alone and having a relationship there which has now ended. I see this as the catalyst for ending our relationship but not necessarily the whole reason - none of it would have happened if we were happy together. I don't feel as though we have ever been able.to bring out the best in each other. When he first wanted to separate, I was sad (mainly for our daughter) but worked through those feelings, developed peace with the situation and our need to separate and some months later (officially separated but still under the same roof) very tentatively began a new relationship. After this started he backflipped and said he wanted to be back together. He thinks that he is ready to change. The relationship has been up and down basically since the beginning and I honestly feel like the best thing for both of us would be to peacefully and amicably let it go and work on reconnecting him as a parent. I am ok with the whole thing - a little sad but also excited about rediscovering old hobbies, making new friends, starting a new job and seeing how my very cautious new relationship develops now I am living alone (well, with my daughter). He is not emotionally expressive like me, is holding on to a lot of regret and sadness and is really struggling. I am really worried that he won't be ok on his own, and I still care about him deeply and this hurts me a lot. I guess what I want to know is: How do I know if we have made the right decision? Should I get back with him again, do heaps of counselling and really, really try to make it work (obviously ending the new relationship I have begun, which I would struggle with at this point) for his sake and for our daughter? My gut feeling is that if we did this we'd just be delaying the inevitable. If not, how do I help him move on from the relationship? We obviously are still communicating because of our daughter. And how do I go forth and be happy with someone new when I can't shake the feeling I've left a trail of heartbreak behind me? I know this is too long (and yet still so much is left out)! I don't really expect anyone to have the answers but any ideas or experiences would ve helpful. Thanks :)

I've been married for a few years and to spice it up my partner and I went on a site to meet other people, and when I say other people I mean just me. I met a few people, had a good time, some nice some bad experiences. It just wasn't what I was looking for until I met one guy and honestly we just clicked, the chemistry was real. We saw each other when we could and my husband was fine with it all, until it got too much for the guy. He developed feelings and so did I, but I couldn't leave my husband.

Been married for a year and found out recently my husband had been paying for nudes from internet girls been going for sensual massages all pre-marriage. Confronted him and he basically said that it was all done and I need not be worried. Naturally the self esteem took a blow and I became attracted in hindsight to a male colleague. It progressed and turned into more than friends. We slept together and he was so charming post all this like the day after but fast forward to a week later his been radio silent, no communication whatsoever always said that I’m married and this is dangerous and now after the deed doesn’t even speak to me at work. Did he just use me? I’m shattered. And disgusted in myself for letting things get this far should I op to leave the marriage as I betrayed the trust? And did he just use me and through me away like some trash. Hurt and lost.

Detected from my wife's texts that she was having an affair with her boss, starting from 2014 – 2017. She promised me to end the affair and blocked him and I believed her. All these years I didn't have any thoughts on their affair as I took her by her word and was living happily, understanding it to be a mistake on her part. Anyone can have a fling. Last month I bought her a phone on our anniversary. Out of curiosity I dialled up her affair partner's name and it showed a female name. Being asked, she told me that seeing the name I may get irritated hence she saved by another lady’s name. It was difficult to digest as the truth. Being suspicious, I asked her to give her the full truth again, suspecting it to be a lie. Then she tells me that she is just having a friendly relationship only. I was not convinced hence again asked her repeatedly but she told me it's an emotional affair only. She was lonely, unappreciated by her in-laws and her in-laws heckled her verbally off and on. She also did have the affair to rise in corporate ladder. On further persistent questioning she confessed of minimal physical contact with her boss and supposedly it was his endeavour mainly. She told me they kissed and he fondled her sometimes, only in his car and did all these physical acts more so when simultaneously driving the car himself, but didn't allow her to touch his genitals at any point of time, and she didn't in any way engage in oral sex during entire affair period and that's the full story. I couldn't believe that at all. Further information was not given by her. According to me if you have an emotional affair it's sure to end in physical intimacy. For a few days thereafter, I saw that she was quite morose as her ex-boss had abused her over the phone recently. She has been called some names by her ex-boss hence she stopped contacting him further and blocked him. As of this I called her ex-boss and we met at a restaurant. He was only trying to show that he was not responsible for her current state of mind and they were very good friends only. In between at the restaurant I went over to collect our ordered food and hence they were then alone and talking. As I kept my recorder on I found out that it started in 2011. He was threatening to reveal all. She told him that I didn't tell my spouse that actually I started the affair with you from 2011. On this note I asked her again to tell me the truth but she blocks me out by telling nothing more is there to know. Now I know my wife had lied about duration of affair too. I am deeply scarred mentally. 7 years were taken up from my life when I was thinking that me and my wife were hardworking to run the family and we complemented each other. At any point of time she didn't try to comfort me, understand me and tell me the truth. I'm frustrated, how can I take her above confession and further progress in our life henceforth? Please guide me if you can thanks for your time.

I need help guys, long story short I'm in a sticky situation with this man who has kids and a girlfriend. We’ve worked together for 3 years until corona came and I haven’t worked there since. But I can’t now and here’s why. We’ve always been quite flirty and there’s always been a big sexual tension which isn’t good when there’s a 18 year age gap. And a child. I'll cut it to the juicy bit - I hadn’t seen him properly in around 5 months until now. I went to this place were he worked. But my friend said he wasn’t working. Me and my friend both got very drunk, I ended up chatting to him and he said do I want a lift home (he knows where I live from picking me and dropping me from work all the time). I was completely blackout drunk but I remember I was crying and he was trying to comfort me and we ended up SNOGGING and more and things. Got a little bit too heated (p.s. I never thought this would happen because Ive always really liked him and never thought he felt the same). He dropped me back home and it's now the next day. He rang me and said are you okay and how do you feel and what do you remember? I said about the kissing and stuff - he’s bit scared as he’s got a girlfriend and doesn’t want me telling her as I was working with her the NEXT DAY!! I knew I would never say anything to her anyway but we were arguing about it all and he ended up blocking me which actually broke me. He called me 2 days after to say it's because she keeps on checking my phone. 2 months later he’s unblocked me after I’ve asked 4 times. The unblocking happened last week. I felt nervous to message but knew I wanted to and at the time I had corona so I told him and said I'm dying In 2 days as a joke and he said goodbye. Anyway I'm saying all this as this is what’s pulled us closer physically. But we're so drifted apart now as I don’t work with him and see him nearly every day, and he lives with his girlfriend so I can’t message him when I like. We used to be so close and have chats on WhatsApp about literally anything and we always had a laugh. I just wish things could go back to the way they were because I miss it and him. I've spent so many nights crying about it and wishing things were different but I'm too young to be this sad over him. But then my gut says I need to get over him because it's not going to work. But my heart says he’s my soulmate. I realised I was so much happier when he was around. If you can help me I'm stuck in a rut. 

This guy I really like has a girlfriend. His mom lived with me for a few weeks and that's how I got to know him. Two weeks went by and he started a conversation with me. We started to message each other more and more until we finally hooked up. We've had sex three times in the last three months. He still goes back to his girlfriend tho. I've caught feelings for him and I don't know what to do.

I got married at the age of 20. My partner and I were both in the military... today 13 years... but in that time we had much love, life and exceptional times together and always bad as well. I was pregnant on my wedding day, almost eight months. I lost my baby on my wedding day. It was so so unbearable. I felt as if my whole world was falling apart. My father didn't want to sign the marriage documents and I felt so down... also after I lost the baby I was laying in the hospital for almost a week and 3 to 4 days of that time I was holding my baby... counting and just crying... I felt there was no one there by me... after that I went home... A week later I fell sick, got a heart attack and blood clots in my lungs... I was in the ICU for almost a month under sedation with pipes in both my lungs... I cannot remember bits here and there... but my parents and my husband’s family didn't see eye to eye... (I was glad I was not awake). My father said that my husband was not there, but with his brother catching fish... he also couldn't stay by me the whole time in hospital... but I got through it... Later we moved and I got pregnant again. We have a girl and at that stage my husband took God into his life and everything was good. But I didn't feel like I belong with his family because of my moods and the way I handle things. I don’t keep my mouth shut and I say a thing as is...they didn't and do not like that... In the last 11 years I can actually count how many months on both my hands he brought money into the house... I was fine with that... until 2 years ago... August to be exact. I wrote down in a book my problems and I started to pray and asked God to please help me because I can’t take it anymore... I love him so much and I don’t wanna lose him... I did everything for him and made his life a blast... At stage he was one of that guys that love the whole threesome thing... I only found that out after we went out one night with friends we came home and they dropped us... after I walked away he ran and jumped into the car through the window and they drove off... I did not see or hear from they or him for about five months. Then I saw him again with her as well just as I thought because his reason was I was too jealous and a bit much... but then he asked if he can come back to me and stupid me said yes. So we went away for a weekend with the friends and that's where he just wanted another woman in our bed... as I thought to myself... I have to otherwise I will lose him again or he will look for it at another place... this was continuing for so so many years and every time this happened I was disgusted. I won’t disagree it was fun for the first maybe two times because it's new but I couldn't face them after that... because they were my friends... I can’t have any female friends or colleagues then he would ask me how about that one... even if I'm at work he would sms me and ask so did you do her yet... so would ask what where... he would say take her to the bathroom... OMG no way... but one weekend we had a braai and I asked my female colleague if she wanna join us for a braai... yes she wanted to try it that's the main reason that she came over... but I was devastated.. while we were busy I got up... I felt and saw the rejection. I sat on the toilet and I screamed stop stop get off... get out... the only person that got out was me... I was thrown out of my own room and the door was locked behind me while he wanted to finish her up... I have never broken down like that, that time. Later the door was opened, and she left to go home... that is where things got cold in me and I was broken... Later it was just braai and friends alcohol... any young person’s dream but we had a daughter and all of our friends was young and single. I enjoyed it all also to a point. Then there was the boys’ weekends and so on... on one weekend he came back and he made up a story about a scam that he is part of... at that stage I also locked into his phone to read his whatsapp because I suspected things... and yes I know not a lot of people believe it but a woman’s sixth sense is always right... it turns out he started to chat to a girl on FB and he even send her pictures of his private parts... and I was furious he lied to me... so I called and it was scam artists that wanted money and said that they will ruin his life and hurt his family... I sorted the problem out and it was soon over... After that I again had trust issues... because how many times has this happened? At my daughter's school I was part of the organization that arranged the events every weekend... one day I couldn't attend so my husband stood in for me. That morning I spoke to him and about 11 he was driving and I asked what he's up to and he said he's going to drop off a girl... I asked and he said it's a parent at the school’s child. Later just to find out that the mother of that child and he started to chat and send pics and so on to each other on the first day... sex talk and all in just three days... I caught him and I confronted him and he said it's not true so I showed him the messages and he still denied it... I even called her and she put the phone down in my ear and blocked me. After that I was more fold and broken... I felt so alone... no friends and no family close to me... I was not allowed to go out with girls after work for a drink or a chat... even over weekend... oh no not me... anyway... About 3 years ago my father got sick... with no money I scraped together out of the blue even a couple of cents I rushed to the airport to buy a ticket to go home... all the way I was crying after three airlines I got a flight... the lady that helped me was pregnant as well and she ran with me to the gate to make sure I could board the flight... On the plane I was crying non stop... got that side... took the bakkie, chased to my father... got there and spend time with him... that stage I asked my husband to please come as well and he said he couldn't... I was so upset... I was there for about a week... the night that they told us that he is not going to make it I called my husband and, guess what, he was at another woman’s house. After numerous calls, I asked one of my friends to go and check because my vehicle has a tracker in it... which he didn't know... and there he was with another woman... don’t know what happened there but he still denies it. But anyway my father passed away... Just to find out that my family do not have funeral plans in place... but I did... I paid my father's funeral... got in a fight with my brothers where they physically abused me the night before the funeral I filmed into my car and I drove back to the airport... I couldn't even attend my father's funeral... I was dead inside of pain... got home... no comfort from my husband or his family... I felt so lost alone and unworthy... At this time he also started to play online gaming every single second of the day and night... and, no I'm not exaggerating, this is true. Once his eyes open until 2/3 in the morning... I couldn't deal... he said that he was in a dark hole...lies overflow... no work no money coming in... he keeps on asking his mom for money... he is a real mommyboy... Later not last year the year before I met one of his friends and we just clicked... we saw each other after the men came back from a boys weekend... didn't notice it was him but he did notice me... we saw each other again at one of our friend’s weddings a few weeks later and I just couldn't believe that we clicked... but we were just friends... later we started as married couples to braai and all and have fun... last year Jan we were at a braai at their house where my husband started to cry. His wife and I were shocked... he even said that I must join... I just said no... I couldn't... but later me and Matt clicked and we started to send messages to each other... asking what happened and I just couldn't get him out of my mind and he was totally gaga over me... also just to find out that he and his wife is also having problems... they were divorced last year in June... I also told my husband 16 Feb last year I want to separate... after a big fight that evening where we got physical... but still I'm here... me and Matt started to chat over emails messages meetings and all... but we never had sex together... he said that he is not that type and I respected that.. because I'm also not like that... everything was amazing I met his family and it bloomed... but still I'm not divorced... because I feel like I will be judged and what will people think about me... He gave his life to God again last year when I told him I wanted to separate... I asked him why now... he stopped his games he started to look for work, and I just couldn't... I was done... he declared that he is fully devoted to me, he cried, he pleaded, and I just couldn't... after a while I told him again I still wanna separate. He kept on asking why... as I explained that I grew cold... I’m not in this anymore... and that I have feeling for someone else... omg... wrong move... because he just couldn't wait to call all of our friends his and my family and even the church people that I'm leaving him for another man... which I told him is not true. A couple of months ago things started to chat ge again... he is back on his online gaming, not working... he sold my car... used the money... we had to stay with his mom and aunt. I just couldn't deal because I was the lowest person in their eyes... every family gathering there was always a fight and it is always me against them... and he never stood up for me... then I saw chats were his family was talking about taking my child... I was furious... I can’t have more children now, they wanna take away my miracle baby... she was born on 26 weeks at 189g... she is my everything... Now about three days ago I got a message from Matt to say that he does not feel comfortable for me and him seeing each other behind my husband's back and because I'm married... I was heartbroken.... I don’t know what to do... I want to k now why now... after almost a year and two months now you feel guilty... he is not that type... please I need advice... I can’t anymore...

My wife and I have been together for 15 years. We are very compatible and get on well but for some years we have been drifting and not appreciating one another. We have two wonderful children whom we both adore and who we love raising together. A few years ago my wife decided to focus more on herself. Where previously I would have considered that we were soul mates it was painful to see her separate from me and I couldn’t rationalize how the desire to set up a business meant no longer sharing her thoughts and feelings with me. I realized a couple of years ago that I was no longer her priority and then about a year ago I asked if she was still in love with me. She said no, nor did she know if she wanted to stay with me. I wondered about an affair but she always said that she’s too busy and that this wasn’t her. She is obsessed with time on her own, in part because of her perception that I am clingy and also mainly because she just needs a break from the kids and her day to day life. She went away for a weekend in June with some girlfriends. She mentioned that she’d met a guy there that she used to go to school with. Because I trusted her I thought nothing of it. Sex has been patchy between us since having kids and we started sleeping together more regularly after this trip away. I just put it down to the fact that she’d had a good time and I felt happy that I had been able to support her in doing this. We spent some time with her family in France this summer. I needed to return home to work and my wife was very keen to stay in France for two further weeks. This confused me as she hates the countryside and she gets stressed with being alone with the kids. Clearly she wanted some time apart from me. Just before I left she mentioned that this guy was to visit her with some girls. Again, I thought nothing of it. While I was alone back home I think we spoke about three times and the communication from her was friendly but very matter of fact. Things were awful when she came back and she seemed very cold and distant. I felt suspicious of this guy and asked our son where they’d both slept. He said one thing and my wife had said another. She’d left her inbox open on the PC and I saw quite a passionate email between her and him and a photo of them together during the original weekend away and I knew that there had been an affair. When I confronted her, her reaction was to say I was crazy and that we have problems. I told her what I’d read and then she admitted emotional infidelity but she denied sex because she had her period at the time. I asked her why she did it and she said because he desired her and made her feel like she did when she was young. It turned out that while we were apart she spent hours and hours on her own reading letters from when she was a teenager and listening to music from that time too. I guess she’s having some kind of mid-life crisis, something that she recognized and promptly signed up for therapy with a relationship counsellor I’d located a few years ago to try to do something for our stagnation. This discovery has prompted the most amazing rekindling of our relationship. We have started to have an extremely active sex life and are close physically in a way that we hadn’t been in years. We have started to diet together and to exercise more. I recently ran my first half marathon and I have lost 15kg. We are attending a tantra course together and have two weekends alone planned plus concerts and holidays. We spend our evenings talking and planning and sharing and feeling very connected. For the last few years she has been telling me that there is no such thing as unconditional love. What this experience has shown me is that this isn’t true: that I am still in love with her and that I love her unconditionally. I have told her that I forgive her and I believe this. I have also apologized sincerely for all the million and one things that I did over the years to make her distance herself from me. She feels now that I really listen to her. Our children are so important to us, but I feel that our relationship is more central to our family now. The children see that we are in the bedroom more than before and don’t sleep with our pajamas on but they are happy to play with each other and we still do a lot with them. The one remaining cause for difference is that I don’t really know what happened between them so much as “nothing really happened”. My view is that if this is the case then just tell me what happened and let’s move on. Of course I have doubts that they slept together or at the very least shared our bed but I’d rather know that than feel that she continues to hide things from me. And I’d rather know this now than to discover this years later. Her view is that she is an individual and entitled to her privacy. I agree but not with regard to infidelity. I don’t want to bring it up any more and she has said that she won’t tell me although annoyingly that she was going to tell me. He lives in another country and I’ll never meet him. It hurts that she had him come to stay with our family in France especially that this was literally hours after I left to go home. But that’s it. She did what she did and it’s over. Things are great between us now - really great. I actually feel that she could fall in love with me again. Maybe she already has. So should I just stop wondering what happened during this brief affair or am I entitled to know?

I am so glad I found this thread but I’m horrified the amount of other men out there feeling the way I do. I thought I was alone. So sad to read these comments I feel for everyone of you! I’ve been married to my wife 10 years together 11. Same thing here just dead marriage zero sex. I can’t sleep at night I lay awake till 3am some nights wondering why I can’t even put my arm round her without her shoving me away, we have three young kids together and she already had 3 when I got with her that I went to hell and back raising as my own while she sat on iPads or her phone over the years. I’m literally physically and emotionally EXHAUSTED from lack of sleep dealing with the kids & dogs too as we have quite a few. She has a major issue with her phones even her own older kids have said it on many occasions she ignores me you have to say the same thing 4/5 times to even get her to look up even then she just says WHAT” like I’m annoying her by requiring conversation! Our sex has always been okay, when we actually do it, but sine it’s been dead I’ve asked her if there’s any issues she never admits there is. She has mega foreplay from me and loves it but gives none. Not that it matters. Of course just like many of you there’s now also zero affection in the daytime, if I try cuddle her she keeps her in front of her so I’m basically cuddling around her phone like some kind of pest it hurts so badly and if I make a fuss about it all I get is “your just wanting to get your end away” “just back off I’m trying t chill” or she refers to sex as a “chore” Any issues in our marriage any arguments it’s always my fault.not once in 11 years has she ever took the blame or changed a single thing. When i got with her she made me cut off from all my friends (I had a lot of friends) and I cannot eve have them on Facebook on the basis “they could be friends with someone I’ve slept with” because before I got with her i was on my own for 4 years and I slept with a lot of ladies, I stayed on my own on purpose after a head messing relationship before that, so I figured if I stayed on my own and learned to need NO ONE, then when I am ready to try a relationship I will not need them just want them. I grew cold on my own, I hated affection from these one night stands I blew any of them out from wanting anything more and I stayed cold and lonely in my house, just clubbing 3 nights a week and putting it about. I admit that. It doesn’t make me untrustworthy I’ve never cheated on ANYONE and never even looked in a bad away at another woman while I’ve been with my wife! But that’s her reason t cut me off from my friends. At the beginning of the relationship she said I was not affectionate and “trained me” to be cuddly, then when she see how I was Falling head over heals for her and dropped my guard, she then started to remove any threats so I was not allowed a phone for a couple of years, I was not allowed on my laptop until she was up so she could monitor what I was doing, I never had money, but slowly she started to allow these things i then started a successful online business and was making a lot of money working from home. She then moaned everyday that I was working to hard! So I packed that in!!!!! Things started to go down hill the more I gave in the worse she got, she would accuse me all the time even from going to the shop up the road, if we had days out with the kids I’d have to look at the floor Becase if a good looking woman was in sight she would accuse me of looking at her and spend the whole day angry or she would smile at loads of good looking men strisght infront of me and the kids to hurt me. So I never went anywhere I had no friends no nothing. Yet she was allowed out, she had friends she had weekends at concerts. While I baby sitted. I started to get resentful I was hurting so bad, she came home one night after drinking and we had sex… While she was on top of me she leaned down to my ear and whispered” guess what” “ I fucked someone else earlier” that was the breaker my heart felt like it had actually cracked.

My husband of 23 years has moved home to his parents' house. He’s angry at me because I haven’t contributed financially to the home and bills. When he first left he said, show me some small income and I’ll come home. Now he’s talking divorces. I have a small child to look after. Why is he so angry?