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How to handle anxious thoughts on the move
Article

Anxious thoughts can often take us by surprise. With a bit of reflection and planning, you can learn to understand these thoughts and address them in the moment. This can be especially helpful when you have to make quick decisions about how to act.

What are anxious thoughts?

Anxious thoughts centre around fear and unease. They can take many forms, including unpleasant images or a worried voice. Everyone experiences anxious thoughts at times. They can be a perfectly natural reaction to everyday events and challenges, like meeting a deadline or having a disagreement with a co-worker. Anxious thoughts occur because your mind is trying to keep you safe. They can help you to focus or take extra care when needed. However, if they become overwhelming or too frequent, they can negatively affect daily life and relationships [1, 2].

How do anxious thoughts affect relationships?

When anxious thoughts become unhelpful, they can have an impact on how you operate in a relationship. On one hand, you might avoid your partner or shy away from intimacy. On the other, you might become more dependent on your partner, afraid of being abandoned.

Taken to extremes, both of these responses can be problematic as it means one partner must work harder to keep the relationship going, ultimately increasing the likelihood of relationship breakdown [3, 4, 5, 6, 7].

Thriving couples have a reciprocal relationship. They recognise the need to work on their relationship and themselves. During times of adversity, couples who pull together can actually make their relationship stronger. One way to do this is by sharing your anxious thoughts with your partner and looking for solutions together [8, 9]. 

When do anxious thoughts become unhelpful?

Whenever these thoughts begin to disrupt your day-to-day life, it’s important to seek help. Therapy, such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), can provide you with tools to help effectively treat anxiety.

One of the metaphors ACT uses to describe how anxious thoughts can become unhelpful is Passengers on a Bus. Imagine you’re a bus driver who drives down the same old road, sticking to what you know instead of choosing to take any risky turns off your route. Your passengers give you biased advice, which represents your anxious thoughts. Any time you attempt to take a more exciting route, your passengers protest and demand you stay on the same old road. The metaphor suggests that in order to follow a different route, you must accept that your ‘passengers’ are a part of the bus but not in control, and continue on the route you want to take [5].

How can we address anxious thoughts in the moment?

It can help to recognise anxious thoughts as they occur. An easy way to do this is by practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness can also guide you to the most helpful route.

One way to practice mindfulness is an ACT skill called ‘Dropping Anchor’. There are three parts to this skill, which you can remember by using the acronym ‘ACE’ [11]. By using this skill, you can metaphorically drop anchor, acknowledging the anxious thoughts in your head before re-engaging with your life.

 

A – Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings

What memories, sensations, and emotions are showing up for you right now? Remember to be curious and kind to yourself.

C – Come back into your body

Engage with your physical body. Press your feet into the floor, stretch out your neck or shoulders, or take a few deep breaths.  Whatever will help you reconnect with your body.

E – Engage with what you were doing

Remember where you are and what you were doing. Look around the room and notice five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. Then bring your full attention to what you were doing.

Try practising this for a few minutes three or four times when needed! You might want to write it down or take a screenshot to help you remember.

By Helen Molloy

 References

[1] NHS. (2024). Managing anxiety. Better Health, every mind matters. Anxiety - Every Mind Matters - NHS (www.nhs.uk)

[2] Harris, R. (2022). Chapter 8: Frightening images, Painful memories. The happiness trap : stop struggling, start living (New edition). Robinson.

[5] Harris, R (2019). ACT Made Simple : An Easy-To-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, New Harbinger Publications. ProQuest Ebook Central. http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/sheffield/detail.action?docID=5748522.

[3] American Psychiatric Association (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th). https://doi-org.sheffield.idm.oclc.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596

[4] Darcy, K. Davila, J. Beck, J. G. (2005). Is Social Anxiety Associated With Both Interpersonal Avoidance and Interpersonal Dependence? Cognitive Therapy and Research, Vol. 29, (No. 2), pp. 171–186 DOI: 10.1007/s10608-005-3163-4 sjny108-cotr-NY00003163.dvi (oclc.org)

[5] Porter, E., & Chambless, D. L. (2017). Social Anxiety and Social Support in Romantic Relationships. Behavior therapy, 48(3), 335–348. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.beth.2016.12.002

[6] Cantazaro, A. and Wei, M. (2010). Adult Attachment, Dependence, Self-Criticism, and Depressive Symptoms: A Test of a Mediational Model. Journal of Personality, 78: 1135-1162. https://doi-org.sheffield.idm.oclc.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2010.00645.x

[7] Meek, VeryWellMind. (2022). How Anxiety Affects Relationships. Anxiety In Relationships: Signs, Effects, and Ways to Cope (verywellmind.covm)

[8] Barlow. A, Ewing. J, Janssens. A & Blake. S. (2018). The Shakleton Relationships project. Shackelton_Relationships_Report_2018_8pp_v5.pdf (exeter.ac.uk)

[9] OnePlusOne. (2021, 11. 24). Rowing Boat [Vimeo]. Rowing boat | OnePlusOne on Vimeo

[10] Harris, Russ. ACT Made Simple : An Easy-To-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, New Harbinger Publications, 2019. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/sheffield/detail.action?docID=5748522.

[11] Harris, R. (2022). Chapter 5: How to drop anchor. The happiness trap: stop struggling, start living (New edition). Robinson.

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Ask the community | depression, separation, mental health
“My partner won't get the help he needs”
My partner and I have been together for 18 months. It all happened very suddenly and took both of us by surprise. Even with his history (divorced, 2 kids) as cliché as it is, it was like fate. He and his ex wife have been divorced for a few years but neither have had a serious partner so the custody arrangement has not been adhered to. As he works away from where we live and his kids also live quite a distance away, he would just stay with them whenever he went to see the kids. I was always uncomfortable with this arrangement, but their relationship ended because of her infidelity and he swore that he had no intention or interest at going back there. He just wanted to keep everything amicable for the sake of the kids. Every time he suggested having the kids on his own, she would push back and come up with some reason that she had to be there. She would repeatedly talk to him about her sex life even after he asked her to stop. Whenever he pushed back she would stop answering and cut contact with the kids. I trusted him implicitly and believed that he was working on changing their arrangements so as we could build a life together. What I was aware of but underestimated was her manipulative nature and how deep her hooks are still into him. Late last year he was visiting the kids and tried to break up with me. It came from nowhere and my gut was telling me that I didn’t have the full story. It didn’t take much for him to break down and say that he got really drunk and has a vague recollection that potentially something happened between them. He said she swore it didn’t but he didn’t believe her. We talked, I yelled, we both cried and we agreed that he needed to speak to a psychologist to learn how to deal with her. He suffers from anxiety when he is near her and it doesn’t lift until he is on the plane to come home. They were together for 15 years – she knows how to press his buttons. Long story short – we worked out the indiscretion with his ex-wife on the proviso that he sought help. Since then there have been some changes at his work and he has been away for an extended period of time. Therefore, has not done anything about seeing a psychologist and we have hardly spent any time together – he knows I am angry about that and he has been very withdrawn and not talking to me as regularly. When he came home a couple of weeks ago, he again ended it saying that there was still too much he had to deal with from his divorce, the kids and that his work situation was just not conducive to a relationship. He then went to see the kids and the whole thing just wasn’t sitting right with me. I have trouble letting things go when they don’t make sense to me. After badgering him for a proper answer, it turns out he still feels guilty about what happened and how horribly he has treated me. I still could not see why we could not work through all of that together… until today when I learnt that after he ended it again he slept with his ex wife. He can’t explain the control that she has over him and he knows she is a narcissist and manipulative but he isn’t doing anything to help himself. I am so angry at him but also I love him so much and can’t shake wanting to work through this but it took him making the same mistake twice to actually make the appointment with the psychologist. I know I deserve better but I am totally destroyed and torn about walking away. If he would just help himself and do the things he is saying he will – we could go back to the supportive relationship we had. So to recap - she is manipulative, he is weak and I am still in love. Somebody please talk some sense into me before I drunkenly beg him to keep working on fixing us.
User article | mental health, ex-partner
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