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When parents separate, the biggest damage to children is done by exposure to rows and disagreements. Developing a way of working out disagreements can protect your children and keep your stress levels to a minimum. Disagreements are a part of life Parents often have different views about what's best for their children, even when they are together. When you’ve separated, these disagreements can easily get blown out of proportion. Ask yourself how important the disagreement is. Often, the best way to deal with a difference is to look for a compromise or even just to let it go. Unresolved disagreements When dealing with the more important issues, arrange a time and place where you can talk properly and where the children won't overhear. Emphasise your desire to work it out and do what’s best for the children and work to understand each other. Don’t try to win the argument, and don’t make assumptions about the other parent's needs and motives. Ask questions and check the facts. Language and behaviour Be respectful. Avoid insults and blame, and don’t get drawn into the past. Focus on the future and what you can do to improve things. Keep reminding yourself that this is about the children, and that the best thing you can do is work together to sort things out. If you’re struggling to communicate with your ex-partner, you may find mediation helpful. Mediators are skilled at helping parents resolve disagreements. They may help you see things differently, so that you can reach an agreement.

Article | communication, arguments

Children and non-resident parents

Children benefit from being in regular contact with their non-resident parents but the frequency and quality of this contact can decline over time. A research paper published by The Ministry of Justice looked into the how a child's wellbeing is affected by the relationship they have with the parent they don’t live with. The report (pdf) also looked at the courts’ involvement in settling contact and financial arrangements and the impact these can have on a child’s outcomes as they grow up. The study followed a group of children whose parents had separated by the time they were seven years old. It looked at levels of court involvement in parental separation, and the frequency and quality of the contact between the children and the non-resident parents. Researchers then looked at outcomes for children when they were aged eleven, paying particular attention to: Subjective wellbeing (children’s moods and emotions). Antisocial behaviours, like drinking, smoking, or breaking the law. Social and behavioural problems. How good they were at making decisions around risky behaviour. Contact declines over time According to the report, the level of contact between children and their non-resident parents tends to decline over time, in terms of both frequency and quality. Among children of separated parents, the ones that had the best outcomes at age eleven were those who had had the most contact with their non-resident parents. This can be harder to manage if you’re struggling financially, but it’s important to try and maintain regular quality time together. Even after a separation, you and your ex-partner continue to have a relationship as co-parents, so it’s really important to look after this relationship in as supportive a way as possible. Put your children first and, wherever safe, try to ensure they spend time with both parents. If you’re a non-resident parent and you feel like you don’t get enough time with your children, there are a few helpful things you can work on: Try to resolve your differences with your ex-partner, using external support like mediation where necessary. If you can’t resolve your differences, try to keep your disputes and conflict away from the children. Draw up a parenting plan. Stick to the agreed arrangements, particularly if these have been agreed by the courts. Use the time you do have together to work on developing a bond with your child. You may not love your child’s other parent anymore – you may even resent them or be angry with them – but maintaining contact can protect your child against the negative effects of separation. It might be necessary to set your own feelings aside, at least in the beginning.

Article | contact, non-resident

“Non-compliant ex-partner”

My ex partner of 13 years is refusing to do any type of parenting with me. He won't communicate with me, blocked me on social media email and phone! He has my two boys who are 11 and 5 and I was happy to let them go live with him as that is what they wanted to do. I just wanted them to be happy. We were going to co-parent but he stops me seeing them, always changes arrangements, changes arrangements if anything planned, all because he does not like my friend. He doesn't like my friend as she can see he's controlling towards me and she does not back down to him, she stands her ground !! He does not like a woman to have an opinion. I have just started court process well went to miams meeting to try sort it out. I will co-parent and split weeks with him so both get equal time with the kids but somehow I do not think he's going to comply with anything. He tells the kids I don't bother to see them, contact them or anything when that is far from the truth. I have given my boy my old phone topped up so we have contact that way * he accuses me of all kinds of spiteful stuff saying I'm mental, I'm a druggy, and I live in a dump which all are lies. None of the things he says applies to me at all.

User article | co-parenting, contact

“Court orders”

My son is 12 and my daughter is nearly 16 They do not want what is being proposed my by ex husband in court. They don't want to tell him but he thinks I'm putting them off staying with him. What is the process?

User article | co-parenting, contact

“Nasty divorce”

I'm going through a pretty nasty divorce. I was wondering how to deal with constant lies and horrible allegations through Cafcass and social services that are unfounded with little or no truth. My ex-partner has decided I'm no longer fit for having my two beautiful girls... She's not going to solicitor, and has toxic friends and family advising her which, if I'm honest, is destroying my self-confidence at the moment.

Ask the community | separation, contact, divorce

Separating from a pregnant partner

If you and the mother of your child have separated, you might be worried about what time you’ll get to spend with your child. If the relationship between you and your ex is volatile, you might not be able to hold a conversation long enough to discuss joint childcare arrangements. Why do I feel scared about this? There a few reasons you might feel this way: If you’ve recently separated, emotions will be running high and everything can be quite intense. It’s common to be overwhelmed, and this could be affecting your worldview. You may have heard stories of other dads not getting the chance to play a part in their children’s lives after a separation. 13% of non-resident fathers say they have no contact and never see their child [1], and this is a frightening statistic for expectant dads contemplating a separation. You might worry that you don’t have as many legal rights as your partner, or that they will move on with someone new who could take on a parenting role with your child. How can I help the situation? If your partner is angry and doesn’t want anything to do with you, first let the dust settle. Give her with space, and respect the decisions she makes for your child. The law will always favour your child’s needs, so the best thing you can do is demonstrate that you will be a positive influence in your child’s life. When the time is right, you could talk with her about doing a parenting plan, to make decisions and plans while focusing on the best arrangements for the baby. Research suggests that even though regular face-to-face meetings are most ideal, frequent contact by phone or email can make up for distance from your child [2]. Although this kind of contact may not be ideal, it should enable you to maintain your parent-child bond. This is particularly good news if you live in a different location to your partner and your child. If your partner ends up blocking you from seeing your child, then you may need to go down the legal route. While the courts recognise the importance of the mother in the very early years, there is no gender bias. Researchers from the University of Warwick found that fathers applying for child contact had been “overwhelmingly successful” and that dads fared just as well as mums when making contact applications [3]. References [1] Eloise Poole. (2013). What do we know about non-resident fathers? Retrieved from Modern Fatherhood: www.modernfatherhood.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Briefing-paper-Non-resident-fathers.pdf [2] McGene, J. and King, V. (2012) Implications of New Marriages and Children for Coparenting in Nonresident Father Families. Journal of Family Issues, 33(12), 1619–41. [3] Warwick University (2015). Study finds English and Welsh family courts not discriminating against fathers. Retrieved from: http://www2.warwick.ac.uk/newsandevents/pressreleases/study_finds_english/

Article | breakups, contact

School holidays for separated parents

However well you are managing the week-to-week parenting arrangements with your ex-partner, the school holidays may present new challenges. If you have the children most of the time, you might be looking forward to having a break from the routine, and getting some fun time together with the children (and possibly some ‘me time’ without them!). If you are the non-resident parent, you may have mixed feelings. You may be excited about treating your children, and spending a bit longer together, but also anxious about potential conflict with your ex-partner. If you can work out the arrangements well in advance, you should have an easier time of it. As parents, you can both make plans, and the children will know what to expect and look forward to. However, it isn’t always easy. Planning the holidays can often lead to arguments about time, costs, and who needs a holiday most. It can also bring out the competitive nature of ex-partners. While you might feel that you have good reason to fight for your case, conflict can often leave children trapped in the middle. So, how do you keep things respectful and ensure that your children get to spend quality time with both of you? Here are a few suggestions for happier holidays Talk with your children before making any firm plans. Don’t use your children as messengers between you and your ex. Try to see things from your ex-partner’s point of view – you will both have different feelings about how best to manage holidays. Tell the children about changes to activities, but do not overwhelm them with details. Be respectful of your ex-partner when discussing plans with your children. Disagreements are bound to arise when dealing with your ex-partner. If you find yourself locked in battle, try to step back and remember the big picture. Try and manage everyone’s expectations as best you can, be prepared to compromise, and remember… there will be other holidays. Your children will benefit from being able to have a good time with both of you. If you can keep that goal in mind, you may be able to avoid a lot of potential disagreements. These tips can help you keep it civil Make it a priority to develop a workable plan with your ex-partner. Don’t argue with your ex-partner in front of your children – even on the phone. Avoid talking to your children about your ex-partner’s behaviour. Be polite and efficient when you’re sorting out the details. Focus on the strengths and interests of all family members, including your ex-partner. Remember that holidays can form a significant part of childhood memories. Finding ways for your children to cope better, and trying to be mindful of your ex-partner, can go a long way to smoothing the path and giving your family happy memories to cherish forever.

Article | contact, school

“Contact centres”

Overwhelmed by legal system and now told no legal aid.

User article | co-parenting, contact

“Post-16 court contact”

We have had a court order in place for a number of years. The children have never missed a contact; however they are now 16 and 15 and have made it clear to me that they are "fed up" with spending their time with someone who – apparently – has little to say to them, and makes nasty comments to the kids all the time when he does open his mouth. It is almost as if the contact order is just being observed to serve his need to control them – it doesn't seem to be about spending quality time with two kids who are brilliant company. The kids have said that once the younger son gets to 16, they "are done" – I have told them things will get better, but after six years of this contact and support from me, encouragement and assurances it will get better, it just hasn't. It breaks my heart to see how angry they get when they come back and have had an unsuccessful contact. I am at a loss, and my ex will not speak to me (only via solicitors and hasn't spoken to me for over eight years). If they tell him they no longer wish to go, can I be dragged back to court? Should this come from them to him? I doubt he will listen as they have asked before for things to improve with him and he just laughs at them and says they are idiots. One time my elder son was poorly during contact and had asked to go home earlier; he refused and made them stay until the appointed time. My eldest is about to turn 17 and will be driving soon. He wishes to get a Saturday job, and this will prove impossible – the Court Order clearly states a Saturday, and we have persistently re-jigged our lives to make sure they attend (which we do because I want them to have a positive male role model). I am also bitterly disappointed that this could have been seen as a chance for my ex to build a lovely relationship with his kids, but seems to have used it as a controlling mechanism instead. I would have expected them to say they were having a great time and ask that they have extra time - which would have been great, but it just hasn't happened. I see other kids who have a great time with their dads and my heart bleeds for them. I never badmouth or speak ill of my ex – it was a shame it didn't work out, but the kids did not need to suffer the way that they have been subjected to such nastiness from someone who is supposed to love them unconditionally (regardless of the fact he hates my guts – I appreciate I am 50% DNA of the kids and I think that may be the issue). If they turn round and refuse to go once the youngest is 16, can I force them? Can I physically drag them to contact? My eldest son is a strapping lad now and this may prove difficult. If I get taken back to court if they refuse, will the court listen to the kids as they will be 16 and 17? I am worrying now that after all these years of being compliant and supportive, I may get jailed.

User article | breach, legal rights, contact

Two parents, two homes

Article | separation, contact

“She won't spend time with her dad”

My ex and I split up in October 2016 so have been apart for nearly three years. We went through a court "battle" earlier this year as we couldn't agree visitation. We both "won" and "lost" some points and currently, our daughter is with me for 10 nights out of 14 and the visitation was set via the court order. Our daughter was deemed to be too young at the time to be able to give an opinion on matters (she was seven in June) and so it was all decided for her. I'm not biased in anyway as throughout the separation and everything, I know I've done what is right for her. The way things work now work really well. However, in recent months she has advised me, and others that she no longer wants to see her dad or spend time with him or his new family. It's horrid to hear as I don't feel like I can do anything about it. I encourage her to speak openly to her dad and hope that she will as I know if I do, he'll see me as being bitter when all I want is for her to be happy. Today at school drop off she clung to me like she never has before and it's his weekend to have her. I was encouraging and smiley when deep down my heart was breaking. What do I do? Our communication isn't great as there are other issues as well. I wonder if I should speak to my solicitor again and go down that route if she doesn't speak to him. I can't sit back and watch her be upset over something that I deem is fixable if he can accept she's growing up and her feelings are changing.

User article | co-parenting, contact

“My son staying with my ex”

My son's father and I are separated. His girlfriend has a nephew who was involved in being sexually molested. I don’t have all the details but I am worried about my son spending nights or time there. The nephew obviously visits the house. My ex has various women’s houses. He visits them at different houses. I want to avoid my son seeing such a lifestyle as normal. What can I do about it?

User article | co-parenting, contact

“My ex won’t do the SPIP”

My ex has taken me to court over access to our son. The first hearing went well and we sorted things out between ourselves before we saw the judge. They still want to do a Section 7 report as our son has possible ASD and is currently awaiting tests. We were also both told to do the separated parenting course, I’ve done mine but my ex hasn’t. He said he isn’t going to because he thinks it’s pointless, what happens if he doesn’t to do it?

Ask the community | co-parenting, contact

“Upset about special guardianship order”

My parents are taking me to court for a special guardianship order for my daughter. I was living in their house with my daughter until January when they decided I couldn't live there anymore but kept my daughter, have made it extremely difficult for me to see her up to now. I got a letter from court today for an interim hearing but their application is full of lies and inaccurate information. What can I do to get my daughter back?

Ask the community | co-parenting, contact

“Prevented from seeing my son”

I am a single dad who has an almost six-month-old son. His mother and I are not in a relationship. My son was the unexpected result of a short casual affair. DNA proved that he is my son and I have been paying maintenance. I have also formed a relationship with him and love him very much. I have been seeing him several times a week without his mother and have also had him stay overnight once. His mother is a good mother to him but she has now decided to stop me seeing him and has said I have to apply legally to see him. There is no good reason for this. I am a good father, I do not drink, smoke or am abusive or violent. She has also said I will be able to see him only in a Supervised Contact Centre until he is six years old. Is this correct? I am sure she has stopped me seeing my son because she wanted to get back with me into a relationship which for various reasons I do not want. I do not have Parental Rights yet as the mother has refuse to sign the form giving me these rights. I now have to apply to the courts. I feel that for my son to have a birth certificate which says 'Father Unknown' is unfair to him. I have booked a Mediation Appointment. Can anyone advise me on what visitation rights I may be able to have? My boy is missing out on a loving extended family situation.

Ask the community | contact

Need the right move for my son

need help am a man in his 30 in a very difficult situation . I don't know where to begin. We'll anyways b4 my current relation I was engaged with someone else who unfortunately didn't work out even tho we loved each other very much and understood each other certain things were not met. We had a beautiful daughter I was with her since birth until 8 years later I left her mom because she was always acting as if the child wasn't really mine until just a couple of month ago I found out my girl wasn't my little girl which broke my heart. Now just know I left her mom to be with someone else who I had known in high school and had a crush since high school . We got together but b4 that I spoke to the mother of my daughter and told her to change her ways b4 new years that didn't happen so I left her . I mean come on almost 10 years of bs my whole 20s went out the window like nothing . Of course other events happened and what not . Fast forward I left her still with love and attachment in my heart while I got with my current partner or w.e we are . We got with each other and this year will be 4 years . Now this is where the issue falls and let me tell you it's huge so huge that I can't seem to get out of it. B4 I got with my current partner who just gave birth to our wonderful son just 3 weeks ago . We were happy at first it was nice and rosy she gave me all I always asked and the same went to her until I saw her true nature and let me tell you there was more red flag than what China has. Now this is coming from someone who doesn't drink I do smoke weed but not anymore because of who am with and because I didn't want this to affect my son and I wanted to make some sort of sacrifice for God and myself . Anyways so with who am with little by little I found her she was a drunk, a coke user, meth user , a disrespectful woman everything a man wouldn't want in a woman she was that woman . Now she never cheated on me but did make many many actions that lead anything Similar to cheating as letting strange men in our house while I would be working disrespect me in restaurant, attack me leave me marks now listen I've fought all my life in the street and this girl left me more marks than the next Gangster on the block. Of course little by little she would cry and beg and plead for forgiveness and I as a Christian man forgave her more time than I can count but little by little I was losing love and attraction towards her and my single man style was coming out little by little to escape the pain that I was living tru . Now I made my mistakes as she has as well. Most of our issue and fights begin and always began when she drank . Which led me to change who I was . I was this really laid back fun and happy all about love and peace type of guy and a huge chunk of that died throughout the years with the mother of my son . But I never gave up on her and I would tell her change change stop with bad influence your better than this blah blah blah good things . One day I warned her that one day will come where I will lose my love for her and she will change and it happened she changed too late and I was left with misery and resentment and pain . Am not a emotional man am very logical while she is very emotional and does everything backwards. Now we have gone up and down Lived in friends houses I have lived in the streets due to her drinking and us losing our house for the second time . And she always went to casino and leave the house and.come home when she wanted after she escaped and stayed drinking for days . Of course I would just stop loving her but she had no one and.i have known her for so many years . Fast forward when we lost our second house I was trying to record music at my friend's house and I get a call from my friend telling me baby mama called her drunk with rape nonsense, not true BTW she was just drunk from drinking half a bottle of gin . I told my friend to go with me ad witness b4 we know it baby mama went crazy to where we needed to call the police they took her to a rehab center that same day the owner of the house who was also a alcoholic told me hey you need to leave today we saw what your girl did tru camera....I couldn't belive it 2nd house lost because of her . So what I do to escape from the pain I hit up a old lover who.i used to make love with when I was single , she was going tru the same with her baby daddy , we connected and made love pretty much nothing more nothing less , fast forward I Confront her about it and tell her what lead me to do what I did it was simplr I felt my sacrifice and effort and my compassion n love was not valued even when my family and friends and my father told me to save myself and leave her instill had faith . Fast forward we still stayed together infound a house of course after living at my home boy house for a few month... note this has happened 3 times. Now with this fast forward I found a house for us our first actual house not a studio or apartment. I ended up getting a amazing job and she lost her job which led me.to.work.alone for a year. We would still argue and.fight and it was usually her throwing the past and I do my best not reminding her everything she has done that led me to cheat on her . BTW just note what am writing here is still not even.half. it's way to much to write. She would still drink and what not and be so slick my God if only ppl knew... anyways am a person who can accept the wrongs I do and am not one to usually fight and argue that shit is beneath me but with her it's like she knows how to press my button. Now fast forward I got fed up and was going to leave her finally until she got pregnant

User article | contact, cheating, abuse

“Contact centre woes”

I recently had my first contact centre date with my daughter of five years old. I haven’t seen her since our split and her mother is very bitter towards me, for good reason at the time. I arrived at the centre and was put into a room to wait for my daughter. To cut a long story short, she wouldn’t leave her mother despite the staff doing their best to help. Please can someone tell me there is hope that this will work out? I’m so desperate to see her.

User article | contact, separation

Your first Christmas Day as a co-parent

Article | christmas, contact, separation, amicable

“My ex and contact with our daughter”

A bit of the back story... My ex and I had been together for three years when I got pregnant with our daughter. She was planned. I was 36 and she is my first child. My ex has 10-year-old twins from a previous relationship who he sees every weekend. Admittedly it was me that wanted our daughter when my ex and I discussed trying for a baby. He admitted he wasn;t as excited as me about the idea but said he would have one more child with me. Once I had my daughter I was shocked at how little he helped me with her. She was quite a difficult baby she had colic reflux and milk allergy so didn't sleep a lot at first. My ex had a two-week paternity leave then had to go back to work so I didn't expect him to do a lot as he was working and I was on maternity leave. However, when he did have our daughter on a night for an hour or so it was as though he was doing me a favour. Even saying to me, if I asked for a little more help, 'But i work!' Things got progressively worse after that. I did every single night feed myself, even at weekends when he was off not once did he offer to do it. I admit I became resentful especially when I got no help with housework and when the twins came on a weekend I also had them to look after them too with no help from him. Things came to a head resulting in him telling me he didn't feel the same about me anymore and we split. I moved back to my parents' with my 10-month-old daughter. Since the split my ex has stayed in contact and picks up my daughter mainly when I have to work. However, I went back to work part time so this in effect only adds up to approx 11 hours per week that he has her. Several times he's let me down and hasn't picked her up only letting me know last minute. He refuses to have her over night too. I've bitten my tongue for a long time because I don't want anything to impact on my daughter who does love her dad and he is good with her when he has her but his lack of interest and letting her down has brought things to a head. Last night we had a huge argument (not in front of my daughter). I told him how I felt and gave him a few home truths which did not go down well so he brought our daughter home early and is now refusing to have her until I 'stop hassling him'. I'm at a loss what to do next. All I want is for him to take more of an interest in our daughter.

Ask the community | separation, contact