I was always a bit more mature than my age and within those hormone-tossing years of teenagehood, I met a girl. She came to my home with a group of her friends to see a cousin of mine who was staying with us. She totally stunned me and I felt as if my heart, known to be ice cold, was beating to trek out of my rib cage. Sadly, having a reputation to uphold and back in the day only going for women older than me, I left the house till they had gone.
Five years ago (and this is now some 40 years later), we met again. We found out that we have had the same friends and lived in the same cities in different parts of the world, and our mothers were colleagues in Meds School and work. Despite both being married – I with five sons, she childless – we began an affair. I have never felt so madly in love as I do with her, and I have been riddled with guilt and sadness because I no longer wish to live or continue my marriage which is an open marriage of sorts. I have made financial preparations to deal with the outcome of a separation from my wife to support her and the children, but the loyalty experienced and battles won together, hurdles crossed over in my marriage, tug at me.
I feel so ashamed of my feelings for the new woman in my life. I have contemplated all the people that would be hurt in the process of being with the new woman in my life, and it sickens me. I feel disgusted with my actions and do not know how to address the issue with my wife. So, I called the affair off! I feel better for ending it and feel it is for the greater good. What I am looking to do now is admit it to my wife, who even though she agreed with me to an open marriage, will struggle to understand how I came close to leaving her for another woman.