My wife and I have been together for 15 years. We are very compatible and get on well but for some years we have been drifting and not appreciating one another. We have two wonderful children whom we both adore and who we love raising together. A few years ago my wife decided to focus more on herself. Where previously I would have considered that we were soul mates it was painful to see her separate from me and I couldn’t rationalize how the desire to set up a business meant no longer sharing her thoughts and feelings with me. I realized a couple of years ago that I was no longer her priority and then about a year ago I asked if she was still in love with me. She said no, nor did she know if she wanted to stay with me. I wondered about an affair but she always said that she’s too busy and that this wasn’t her. She is obsessed with time on her own, in part because of her perception that I am clingy and also mainly because she just needs a break from the kids and her day to day life. She went away for a weekend in June with some girlfriends. She mentioned that she’d met a guy there that she used to go to school with. Because I trusted her I thought nothing of it. Sex has been patchy between us since having kids and we started sleeping together more regularly after this trip away. I just put it down to the fact that she’d had a good time and I felt happy that I had been able to support her in doing this. We spent some time with her family in France this summer. I needed to return home to work and my wife was very keen to stay in France for two further weeks. This confused me as she hates the countryside and she gets stressed with being alone with the kids. Clearly she wanted some time apart from me. Just before I left she mentioned that this guy was to visit her with some girls. Again, I thought nothing of it. While I was alone back home I think we spoke about three times and the communication from her was friendly but very matter of fact. Things were awful when she came back and she seemed very cold and distant. I felt suspicious of this guy and asked our son where they’d both slept. He said one thing and my wife had said another. She’d left her inbox open on the PC and I saw quite a passionate email between her and him and a photo of them together during the original weekend away and I knew that there had been an affair. When I confronted her, her reaction was to say I was crazy and that we have problems. I told her what I’d read and then she admitted emotional infidelity but she denied sex because she had her period at the time. I asked her why she did it and she said because he desired her and made her feel like she did when she was young. It turned out that while we were apart she spent hours and hours on her own reading letters from when she was a teenager and listening to music from that time too. I guess she’s having some kind of mid-life crisis, something that she recognized and promptly signed up for therapy with a relationship counsellor I’d located a few years ago to try to do something for our stagnation. This discovery has prompted the most amazing rekindling of our relationship. We have started to have an extremely active sex life and are close physically in a way that we hadn’t been in years. We have started to diet together and to exercise more. I recently ran my first half marathon and I have lost 15kg. We are attending a tantra course together and have two weekends alone planned plus concerts and holidays. We spend our evenings talking and planning and sharing and feeling very connected. For the last few years she has been telling me that there is no such thing as unconditional love. What this experience has shown me is that this isn’t true: that I am still in love with her and that I love her unconditionally. I have told her that I forgive her and I believe this. I have also apologized sincerely for all the million and one things that I did over the years to make her distance herself from me. She feels now that I really listen to her. Our children are so important to us, but I feel that our relationship is more central to our family now. The children see that we are in the bedroom more than before and don’t sleep with our pajamas on but they are happy to play with each other and we still do a lot with them. The one remaining cause for difference is that I don’t really know what happened between them so much as “nothing really happened”. My view is that if this is the case then just tell me what happened and let’s move on. Of course I have doubts that they slept together or at the very least shared our bed but I’d rather know that than feel that she continues to hide things from me. And I’d rather know this now than to discover this years later. Her view is that she is an individual and entitled to her privacy. I agree but not with regard to infidelity. I don’t want to bring it up any more and she has said that she won’t tell me although annoyingly that she was going to tell me. He lives in another country and I’ll never meet him. It hurts that she had him come to stay with our family in France especially that this was literally hours after I left to go home. But that’s it. She did what she did and it’s over. Things are great between us now - really great. I actually feel that she could fall in love with me again. Maybe she already has. So should I just stop wondering what happened during this brief affair or am I entitled to know?

I have been in a marriage for almost three years and have a baby less than a year old. Unfortunately there is no spark or intimacy in the marriage and i just feel like friends. My spouse doesn’t feel the same, they’re still in love with me but there hasn’t been any intimacy for a long time. I met someone over a year ago who I immediately clicked with and after a few months we couldn’t stop talking to each other and have since been having an affair. I ended up getting pregnant and having a baby with my spouse, but all along feeling like I didn’t want to be in the marriage anymore. Things are serious with my lover as we have said we’re in love each other and want a future together. I’m struggling to end my marriage because we have a young baby and so much to lose, but the spark isn’t there and I don’t feel any chemistry with my spouse anymore. I have told my spouse about the lack of chemistry but not the affair as I’m ashamed. Recently the person I’m having the affair with has decided to end it, saying they want to be with me and have a future together but cannot carry on in the situation we’re in. There have been a few red flags in the affair, a lot of arguments and conflict because of the situation and when the affair was ended; immediately talked of dating others and said it’s none of my business because I’m married. I want to be with this person but I don’t want to hurt anyone and want to do what is best for my baby. I’m really struggling with losing my relationship with my lover and can’t stop getting upset. I don’t know what to do. Anyone else been in a similar position?

Hello lovely people! I wanted to share my current situation with you as it is not easy for me. I am a 23yo male currently having a relationship with a woman who is 14 years older than me (37). It all started about five months ago. We were working together and there was something between us. She is married but her husband is working outta town and is missing for a few months then he is back in here for a few months. Our story started as you can guess when he was away. I will call her B. B is a shy and innocent person. B said that she has never cheated before in any of her relationships and it is her first time doing that. She is married for 10 years and has no kids. She said that she chose him not because of love and passion but because of him being good and right for her (Beta male provider :). So my experience with her is truly amazing. The greatest sex in my life. We text all day with 'I love yous' etc. When together, nothing matters and it is a fairy tale. So we were seeing each other for a month and then her husband came back. She said that they live in a sexless marriage since a year and a half. He wants to have sex with her however she does not. Last time they had sex she cried etc. The thing is that when he came back (two months since he is here), she is still coming to my place once a week for 2-3 hours. She claims that she is staying faithful to me by not having sex to him. At the start she said that having sex with him is something mandatory, before he came back she said the year and a half sexless thing. I believe her about it as she is not that kind of person. However, she will not leave him as she is scared and also wants to have children. They tried to have child in the past but it didn't work. Now when it comes to this she is like crying and saying that she doesn't want a child from a person she is not in love with. She will also not leave him as I cannot offer her a future due to the age gap. She just wants to have both of us hooked but it is really torturing to me as I am constantly thinking about her day after day and it is freaking me out I am completely mentally obsessed and all I get is two hours a week. Her husband is suspicious of her, however, he is the beta male that wont start a fight or check on her phone. (we are texting every night before she goes to sleep while he is watching movies in the other room). I read some stuff online with similar stories and I know that I have to leave her. A clean breakup. However, I do not want to do it because everything is amazing and the love we give each other is huge. Can you share some thoughts please? Will be very appreciated.

She has never cheated in 9 years she says he just stuck it in and she ran away. the second time was worse. Could she become a serial cheater? my boss slept with my wife, and he wont fire me because i am his top producer! I'm dying inside because also i didn't have contact with my wife for days and she slept with a guy at the bar, each time she told me immediately and begged me for forgiveness, I don't know if I can ever look at her the same! I love her just not the same and I would do anything for that feeling back.

My gf and I broke up in Aug 2019. We had a big argument over the phone and we both decided to just break up. This happened while my gf was on a business trip with a male co-worker, who she and I knew was a total fuckboy (co-worker went to the same university as us). So long story short, I’ve always told my gf to watch out for this co-worker. She would always reassure me that she’s always careful and that she wont let anything happen Anyway, less than a day after the breakup, my gf gave her co-worker head and started a month-long fling with him. They would make out in their office after everyone else had left and they would go on dates together. It went on for a few weeks until my gf found out that the co-worker had a gf he didn't tell her about. My gf started distancing herself from her co-worker and we eventually fixed things and got back together. I asked her if she hooked up or did anything while we were apart. She said no and we moved on. Our relationship actually got better after the breakup. Fast forward to Aug 2020, the co-worker’s ex messaged me out of the blue and told me about everything. I didn't believe her at first but I confronted my gf about it. My gf only confessed to kissing ONE TIME but I managed to get the WHOLE truth out of her. She even confessed to messaging the co-worker to not tell me anything because she was “desperate” to hide the truth in fear that I would break up with her. I am obviously hurt by what she did immediately after our breakup, and the fact that she lied and hid this from me for a year. She claims she was only really lonely and lost at the time when she initiated giving head to her co-worker. She told me she just liked the attention he gave and that she wanted to do something rebellious out of anger over the breakup. My gf also reassures me that we got back together not only because of the revelation that the co-worker had a gf (she says this only opened her eyes that what she was doing was wrong), but because she had always loved me and wanted to fix things right from the very beginning. I broke up with her after I found out. She bawled her eyes out and was literally at my feet begging me not to leave her. A few days passed and I forgave her and decided to take her back. She swears she would never lie again and that our relationship would come out stronger after this. Should I believe her and stay in our relationship?

To start, I will apologize for the lengthy post, as this dates back several years. My wife and I have been married for almost seven years, but our relationship has been in deep, deep water for over five. Before our first child was born, we had what I refer to as typical married couple problems. The honeymoon stage faded and we (so I thought) were getting comfortable with one another. I was mistaken on the we part, I suppose. She was overly demanding about us going back into the honeymoon stage, which is fine, I understood. It was shortly after everything became unhinged. We fought a lot. I was convinced I had done a great wrong to her, and I was trying to atone for it. Things steadily went downhill. She started going out with friends. No problem there, I trusted her and I am by no means controlling. However, she didn't come home. I would stay up all night, calling and texting and calling some more (she had a daughter from a previous relationship of whom we solely took care of, so I couldn't just go off looking for her). I would spend the whole night, and morning, pacing, worried to death until I had to start worrying about what to do with our daughter so I could go to work. She would show up sometime about 30 minutes before I had to leave. Usually by means of someone dropping her off at the corner up the road and her walking home. Big red flag right? She said nothing happened she got too drunk and stayed at (insert name here)'s house. I fought my gut and trusted her. It happened more times than I can count. Until we finally decided to take some time apart and work on ourselves. The agreement, initiated by her, that we were not seeing other people, was verbal. I do my best to cope and just try to take care of myself and my daughter (stepdaughter, who I consider my own). She started coming around more, which was showing me that we are trying to make this work again. Then I started hearing things from people I interact with at my job. Started seeing things as well. For instance, I seen my wife walk out of a random house at 7 am, in her pajamas, walking home. I confronted her about it and bluntly asked if she was seeing other guys. Denial is all I ever got from her. At this point nothing was adding up, nothing at all. However right or wrong it was, I needed answers, and I had a huge gut feeling that she wasn't being honest, so I abducted her phone and I found all the answers I needed. She had slept with a guy named T, of course deleted most of the messages, but there was enough there to tell me. I confront her, again. The argument ended in the "don't do it again" category. That was guy #1. We were "back together" now. At least that was what we had said to one another. Things started getting fishy again very quickly. She was going to the movies with a friend, who is much younger than my wife, that she never hung out with, and much more suspicious activity. The staying out all night thing happened some more too. So again, right or wrong, I looked to her phone again, and sat crying for over three hours after. Not only was she sleeping with someone else again, but she was starting a relationship with him. Going on dates, kissing, holding hands, etc. Which I found that she had lied about who she went to the movies with, no surprise. That was guy #3 (yes 3, I didn't skip 2, I just didn't know about him, yet). STILL, I took her back. I know probably my biggest mistake, but no doubt I love this woman. Very much. I was very conflicted at this point. Very. My confliction was put to the side, we were about to have my first daughter. Almost a couple of years pass. Some of the shady stuff didn't stop, and I was at the point of where I couldn't trust her anymore. I expressed over and over what I needed for this relationship to work. She was still going out, sometimes not coming home until 3 am. STILL, I stayed. I was not who I was before, I was depressed and anxiety was taking over most of the time, but I made the best out of what family I had. After almost two years go by, I found out about guy #2, in a pretty bad way. I didn't abduct her phone this time, instead I seen a message from a J, saying "so she may be mine?" You probably already know by now that the conversation was about my recently born daughter and her telling him that she could be his. Stake to the heart, twist a bit, get the splinters in there realllllll good. It wasn't the fact that she slept with him, or even the nature of the conversation that hurt the most. It was the why. Why, after all this time? Why when I was starting to have a bit more faith in our relationship? (the fact that she could not be mine, hurt, but it matters not, DNA match or not, she is my daughter. I still don't know the answer to that question). It's as if all those years ago she took a knife and cut me, very deeply. Over the years she just kept slicing at the same wound, so it never healed. I shut down. Emotionally. I was cold as ice, I lost complete control. To put this in perspective, my wife was on her knees crying and begging me to not go, even mentioned suicide a few times in that moment, I walked away without a word. If anyone knew me, that is not me at all. I STILL didn't go anywhere. I just slept in a different room for while. I'll flash forward a bit and sum this part up. We had another daughter who is going on 3 now. (so three daughters; 3, 4 and 12). Some shady stuff happened still. I was out of town for work for a week, and I happened to see a dude leaving my house at 3 am on my cameras at home. (I had them set for motion trigger from 8 pm to 8 am). I finally go get help, from a shrink. After a few sessions, I had some breakthroughs. I cried again, for the first time in a couple years. That day, that very day, that I felt like I could be myself again. She told me she was dating another man. For how long? I don't know. Back to devastation. I was completely broken all over again. The whole separation was nasty. I wasn't very nice, I was angry. Time went by. I started talking to and eventually dating someone new. I wasn't happy, but it was worth a shot. My wife started coming around more, being overly nice to me and eventually begged me to try again. I told her no the first time. However, I was not happy with where I was, so I ended the other relationship, and yep, like a fool, I tried again. This was sometime last year. The guy she was with kept coming back one way or another, even after I expressed that I needed her to cut ties with him. Selfish? Maybe. That's what I needed though, and she didn't. She met him at a hotel and ignored me all night. I told her I loved her that night and never got a response. We went to the movies together, drove separate cars. After the movie, I thought I would stop by her place for a bit. She's not there. So I thought I would check where she worked at, because she will go there to hang out sometime. Nope. My house. Nope. His house. Yep. There's her car. I called her immediately, over and over and over, until she finally answered. This was almost two hours later. I asked her if she was at his house, and she lied to me, again and again. Even after I told her I seen her car (which is very distinguishable), she lied. I kept at it until she finally admitted it. But I was wrong for "following" her. She swears that she didn't even go inside. Right. I went through her phone a few times and never liked what I found. *ick pics, sexual conversations between her and multiple guys. One was the guy that I had seen walking out of my house on camera at 3 am. Which is funny to me, because the date he was in my house, is about the same time my youngest daughter was conceived. So all caught up, mostly. Here I am, now, emotionally a wreck and so conflicted about, well, everything. Do I have any biological kids? Why am I still doing this to myself? I love this woman, obviously, more than I could ever describe, but I'm hanging really closely on the side of this is done. She is still talking to other guys. One was just last week. He messaged her showing interest in her, and she just messaged back. There was nothing sexual or whatnot. However, he wanted her to call him and she did. The thing that bothers me, is that she did not decline, maybe she didn't accept either, but the fact she didn't say no I'm trying to work things out with my husband really really bothers me. I'm just really stuck in a rut and I have no idea what to do. I'm so back and forth, one day to the next.

I just found out my wife is having an affair with her boss - sexual, emotional. Let me tell you that we were planning for a baby now that we are four years into our marriage. I know our relationship isn't perfect but I was shocked to find out that I have been betrayed this badly. I confronted her and she was unapologetic saying that she's not happy with our marriage which she had never mentioned before. I admit that I have had my faults and our marriage needed work - but her reaction after I found out is what scares me to forgive and move on. it felt like she was not even sorry. What should I do?

I was always a bit more mature than my age and within those hormone-tossing years of teenagehood, I met a girl. She came to my home with a group of her friends to see a cousin of mine who was staying with us. She totally stunned me and I felt as if my heart, known to be ice cold, was beating to trek out of my rib cage. Sadly, having a reputation to uphold and back in the day only going for women older than me, I left the house till they had gone. Five years ago (and this is now some 40 years later), we met again. We found out that we have had the same friends and lived in the same cities in different parts of the world, and our mothers were colleagues in Meds School and work. Despite both being married – I with five sons, she childless – we began an affair. I have never felt so madly in love as I do with her, and I have been riddled with guilt and sadness because I no longer wish to live or continue my marriage which is an open marriage of sorts. I have made financial preparations to deal with the outcome of a separation from my wife to support her and the children, but the loyalty experienced and battles won together, hurdles crossed over in my marriage, tug at me. I feel so ashamed of my feelings for the new woman in my life. I have contemplated all the people that would be hurt in the process of being with the new woman in my life, and it sickens me. I feel disgusted with my actions and do not know how to address the issue with my wife. So, I called the affair off! I feel better for ending it and feel it is for the greater good. What I am looking to do now is admit it to my wife, who even though she agreed with me to an open marriage, will struggle to understand how I came close to leaving her for another woman.

I recently learned that my aged 44 spouse of 14 years cheated with a 22 year old. We are trying to work things out, but I have become obsessed with knowing every detail and it’s consuming me. I don’t know what to do…….

I am a Pastor. Married for 25 years I have 22 years old son,17 years and 10 years old daughter. I found job for her where I work. I enjoyed my family like nobody's business. She slept with my brother and furthermore she slept with my colleague at work. She brags with the event to her friends and siblings. How can I deal with the matter?

My husband and I will.be 20 yrs married come May this year,my husband was emotionally and physically abusive to me in t he past we have one son together,I got back at him and had an affair with a work colleague, during that affair I became pregnant with twins,realising my colleague was the biological father,told my husband about the affair he has forga for it,don,t regret what I done,to this day we still.seeing each other,we I been selfish

Me and my bf are going to complete one year of our relationship this June. The thing from the starting of our relationship he had told me that he is friendly with girls and there is nothing to worry about. The only thing which bugged me in starting was him being connected to his exes. Two or three months back we had a fight and I told him that being connected to your ex means there is still a chance for her or you may have feelings for her but he called me "dumb" and said that "as you have studied in all girls school and university you don't know how things work, a boy can be connected to his ex, wish her happy b'day, or things like that, it does not mean he is interested in her." He was very defensive about this so I did not drag that matter. After some months he accused me of cheating on him because I was online at 3am but I was chatting with my female friend as my boyfriend had stopped giving me his time. In lockdown, he calls once a week and we chat on whatsapp for about one hour in a whole day. He was starting to behave too weird for me as he would say he is going to sleep but his internet would be on or he would be chatting with other people except me. One day I opened his Facebook and Instagram (he has not given me his ID, I just saw him type his password so I remembered it) and I found that he was cheating on me with that girl in Facebook and Instagram. I found out that he has messaged his ex that he loves her a lot and would like to meet her. The thing is somehow I cannot just cannot believe this. It's been two months since I know this and daily I feel pathetic. I don't even have the guts to confront this. This is my first relationship. I tried everything. I even said sorry for each and everything I didn't even do. I begged him thousands of times whenever he used to get angry, but now I feel like I have nothing left. I am 23 and my bf is if the same age.

My wife lost her whole family since 2016. She was working with a friend of ours for over 20 years. She had only been on the job for a year until she lost both parents 28 days apart. Well she became friends with the people at work and sees them on lunch. Soon after she starts going to Kroger everyday at 3pm. I see her there with my friend. It went on for months. I told her how I felt then she got mad said she cant have any friends. I said its disrespectful as a wife to be hanging out with a guy, when you are married. I wouldn't do that. I just don't see it as very good thing for married people to do. We have been together since we were 14. I thought she had stopped. I drove buy one day the they are at Kroger's, just there, nowhere else. I hoped she would admit it she didn't. I said I seen you at Kroger's it seemed harmless he too had lost his parents. I thought maybe there was some relief like helpful counseling. This was 2017. Then on my birthday Nov 1st 2019 she says her macbook is frozen up. I look into it, fix it, then find her sexy pics and I love you I can't live without you. And there were deleted texts. He said, you want me to erase all this? She said, no I don't care. I trust you because I love you. I immediately handed her her macbook fixed open to that page. She said, stop what's the matter? like I had been into something. I said, I read your text and seen your pics to the man you love she says he tells everyone he loves them. I said, well everyone don't say it back and send naked pics. I saw them but as soon as they opened they were gone. Like stuck, frozen in delete. But it was a thumbnail. I said no way. I ask her, she swears she never sent nothing like that. I went on and we decided drop it. She dropped contact. I'm OK with electronics so I got everything so I can see it. She sent nothing. She quit, stopped immediately. She saw how bad I was hurt and how bad he was getting ready to be. So I buy a Walmart phone, start catfishing him. He believes it because I knew the answers to his questions from her text said. What's your favorite pic? he said. I like them all, I said since I don't have my I phone I lost everything. He said, I still have them all. I said, can you send them to me? He goes for it. I was horrified. My wife is naked several times - some pics that make Hustler look like Disneyworld. Well, at this point in time we moved to Florida. I own a construction company and was 1,000 miles from the guy. But if she don't admit to that until I show her and says she don't remember the text because she was drinking. He sent me forwards of his favorite text, what had happened in the three years we're at home, she swears no sex. I catfished the guy, I said. I just told him we had sex, he said why that's a lie only thing you did was send me pics. He says at that point things would have changed. Or would have ruined our friendship if we really did it. He says was just fun to talk about. I'm with her still because she has no family and I love her. But I am starting to think that I'm kidding myself. The love and becoming distant I told her tonight I didn't think I was in love with her anymore, but I still love her. She has broken me into a million pieces and thinks its supposed to go away. The pain hasn't stopped. I don't think it will. She said she was on all kinds of zoloft and antidepressants. It didn't feel real. I said it was real and she's hiding behind that. I think I'm going to have to end this marriage right before our 25-year anniversary. But she doesn't want to now she sees how bad it hurt me. I don't think it with stop hurting until I move on. Should I end it?

I have been having an affair with a married man for nearly three years now. We met first off in 2002 when we lived on the same street and had a fling and both became sexually and emotionally attached but I ended it after three months as I knew it could go no further but hurt both of us deeply. In April 2017 we came back in touch by chance and almost immediately started the affair again and is still going on now. I was in a relationship at the start of it but my then partner found out five months into the affair as I ended it and X told a mutual friend of my partner's son and it all came out. I made it clear to my partner that I was in love with X and it was unfair to carry on in our relationship but he wouldn’t have any of it demanding that I at least owed it to him to try. He forbid me to see X even though we have still managed it ever since. My lover said he and his wife hadn’t been intimate since November 2016 and we’re more like housemates and I’ve always chosen to believe him. Recently I’ve parted for good with my partner (I would still have ended it if I wasn’t in love with X as the relationship had taken its toll). My lover claimed that, as soon as his only son who’s 21 found a home for him and his girlfriend, he and his wife would be separating. But now my ex is out of the picture he just says “we’ll eventually be together or “it’s not as easy as that and now I’m wondering if he is really the person I thought he was I really don’t know what to do?!

This article was written by Prof Janet Reibstein, (co-author of Sexual Arrangements: Marriage and Affairs). The views expressed in this article are not necessarily shared by Click or OnePlusOne. Twenty years ago, I began an interview study of couples in which one person (at least) was having or had had an affair. As a new parent, I could not fathom how contemporaries of mine had the inclination or energy, never mind the time, to conduct one. Yet affairs, even among new parents, were happening and some of these couples presented themselves to my consulting room. The discovery of an affair at any stage of the relationship is still a chief reason couples come into therapy. I found, and so have others who bravely try to research this most difficult area (how do you study people’s secrets, for that’s what most are?), that people usually have affairs because they feel disappointed by marriage and are estranged in some way from the person they wanted to love and honour. They’d lost their way in love. Affairs struck me as primarily a symptom of people’s inadequacy in negotiating the changes of married life.  How do affairs start? The arrival of children, work taking one or both away into different worlds, not managing disagreements and conflicts and resentment building in consequence, all contribute. Or all of these combined can lead to the start of an affair. The upshot of not catching things early is feeling misunderstood, neglected, unappreciated, unloved, or undesired. Drift sets in. With it goes hope and effort. Attention wanders. And couples find renewal arises away from home.  Affairs can begin – and sometimes remain, a remedy for what particular light has gone out: just about sex, just about fun, just about talking and feeling understood. But sometimes they grow and become about love—the most dangerous kind for marriage (this applies even to ‘open marriages’). However, it’s possible, as research has shown that sometimes those affairs that stay limited and those that stay secret do not actually disturb the stability or commitment to the marriage (and the children in them), even if they might disturb the person having one. Dealing with the consequences But once an affair – except those tiny few ‘open marriages’ – becomes discovered or revealed, all marriages will suffer. This is related to how we understand marriage. We’re supposed to marry our best friends. We’re meant to be ‘intimate’ - to share innermost thoughts, private joys and troubles, ideas and pleasures. Thus, an act of intense intimacy and pleasure shared with someone other than our partner is like a dagger thrust first and then – the final betrayal- if kept secret from your ‘best friend’, repeatedly, is continual knifing at the heart of modern-day, best-friend-and-lover partnerships. Sometimes there’s a happy ending – sometimes not. But, as with all deep wounds, sometimes not. This marital drama’s been replayed over and over again in all my years in clinical practice. First I manage the wounds, and then return to the marriage: where, when, why the lights went out, before the wandering began.

This is my first post, and I'm writing it after having just confronted my wife over messages on her phone. About 2 months ago, I start having suspicions over the amount of texts she was getting, so rightly or wrongly I managed to get her phone (which she normally guards like a monkey with nuts). I quick skim through her messages showed me that my older brothers best friend had been texting her with some really dodgy stuff. With this information, I entered my wife facebook page, and found even more messages in her trash that she obviously thought she had got rid off. I confronted the problem then, telling her to stop talking to him. For a while it seemed to be ok, then it started again last week. I walked in to the study to find her click off of a conversation on facebook she was having with someone.. i deliberately hung around till the reply pooped up on her screen, and guess who... its that fella again!!.. this time it didnt seem to be rude though. I asked her why she was talking to him again, to which I got accused of being a control freak and not letting her talk to anyone. That night I took myself downstairs to sleep on the sofa, next morning a gave her another clean slate and said nothing of it. However the issue must be on my mind, because as soon as she left her phone unguarded i checked again. Probably the wrong thing to do, but there were no sexually explicit texts this time thatI saw, just a few with some strong sexual references, suggesting sex on the beach.. and asking her if she was all wet?! (sorry if that offends anyone). I confronted it again, once again being accused of being a control freak.. and being told I should leave. However as soon as I suggested that I would seek custody for our son, stating he deserved better than a woman that would do this to her family it all changed... she wanted relationship counselling etc. What do I do? Just so you know the background, My wife was in a previous relationship, and had 3 children. She found out he was having an affair with a man at work and so they seperated, however I have heard part conversations of other versions, stating actually my wife was sleeping with his brother (yet again more secrecy). At 21 years old I took on the role of dad to these 3 boys that I now see as my own, however I know legally I have no standing. But Joseph is mine, after a very late miscarriage two christmases ago, where we lost a daughter at 7 months, we were lucky to conceive Joseph... and he is a little star.. his first word is Dada... and to be honest is probably the reason I've stuck around.