When people on Facebook list their relationship status as “it’s complicated”, you may wonder what could be so complicated about it. You might think someone's either in a relationship or they're not but, for many young people, it’s not necessarily so straightforward. Although monogamy – an exclusive relationship with one partner – is still considered the norm, more casual relationships are increasingly common for adolescents. When someone says “I’m in a relationship”, there’s a good chance you’ll picture two people in a steady, sexually exclusive relationship. And you wouldn’t be alone with that assumption. One study showed that, despite Western society becoming ever more permissive and accepting, monogamy is still considered to be the most desirable and ‘normal’ way to engage in a relationship [1]. So, what’s the problem? Well, monogamy being placed as ‘the normal thing to do’ can mean that anyone choosing a non-traditional form of relationship, such as polyamory (multiple partners) or an open (not sexually exclusive) relationship may feel marginalised by or excluded from sex and relationship advice and education. They may feel stigmatised; and many experience rejection or bullying from peers, and disapproval from parents. It can be confusing for people who don’t know how to classify their relationship, which could be a problem for an increasing number of young people today. Even though monogamy remains the ‘ideal’ for many in society, other relationship types have become much more common over the last 20 years or so. One study [2] states that ‘recent research on adolescent sexuality finds that casual relationships appear to be gaining acceptance among heterosexual emerging adults’. An example of a casual relationship would be a ‘friends with benefits’ setup. This is when two friends agree to have casual sex with no strings attached and continue to define their relationship as friends rather than a couple. A study from New Zealand [3] into how young people define a relationship showed that definitions are just not that clear cut. The researchers discovered that it depends on a vast multitude of factors including: How much time the couple spend together. Emotional investment in each other. Decisions made about whether it is OK to sleep with other people. These considerations all contribute to defining a relationship in different ways. Boundaries can be blurred, making many relationships difficult to categorise – even for the couples themselves. Categorising or labelling your own relationship could be an even more daunting task in a society which holds monogamy up as the right way to be. Should we be concerned about the increasing informality of young people’s relationships? While young people are not necessarily having more sexual partners than previous generations, they are revealing a very different, more informal approach to relationships. One sociological study [4] describes how these casual arrangements can be a stepping stone for young people who are exploring what it means to be in a relationship. They suggest that young people often progress steadily from short, casual relationships towards a single long-term relationship. So, although young people are taking a less traditional path, they tend to end up at the same destination as the generations who have gone before. In the meantime, these young person will still need support dealing with their current, more complicated relationships. After all, relationships are confusing at the best of times, even without all these extra factors to consider. Communication is essential to understanding and navigating these shifting types of relationship. A professional supporting young people with sex and relationships should remember that relationships can be more complex than they first appear. And couples should feel able to talk to each other about their relationship: Where is it going? Are we exclusive or not? Do we present ourselves to others as a couple or as friends? Being able to talk about the boundaries of a relationship can remove some of the uncertainty from more casual encounters. As non-traditional relationships become more common, these conversations become more important. Accepting that relationships can be diverse, and being willing to talk about different kinds of connections beyond monogamy could prove instrumental in helping young people navigate the ever-shifting boundaries of what it means to be in a relationship. References  [1] Moors, A. C., Conley, T. D., Edelstein, R. S., & Chopik, W. J. (2014). Attached to monogamy? Avoidance predicts willingness to engage (but not actual engagement) in consensual non-monogamy. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 32(2), 222-240.[2] Williams, J. C., & Jovanovic, J. (2014). Third Wave Feminism and Emerging Adult Sexuality: Friends with Benefits Relationships. Sexuality & Culture, 19(1), 157-171.[3] Allen, L. (2004). ‘Getting off’ and ‘going out’: Young peoples conceptions of (hetero)sexual relationships. Culture, Health & Sexuality, 6(6), 463-481[4] http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1533-8525.2009.01142.x/abstract;jsessionid=23182CC55EC031A3A0759B75F9A48731.f02t02

What am I up against? When a new relationship kicks off, it can feel like everything’s wonderful. You don’t want to spend a minute without them, everything they do is adorable, and the way they slurp their tea is an endearing quirk. But, gradually, you awake from your love-induced coma and find yourself saying things like “you weren’t listening just then, were you?” This isn’t to say it’s all going downhill, but when you first start arguing, it may strike you that now you have to work at it. How to I deal with it? 1. Connect with each other People connect in different ways. The key is in understanding how your partner likes to connect, as well as how you like to connect. For example, some people feel connected with their partner through words of affirmation (“I love you”, or “I appreciate you” being the classics), meaning they like to be told how much they you are valued. Others feel special and valued by being shown physical affection, or by sharing quality time with their partner, or receiving thoughtful gifts. Everyone connects differently, so if you can learn how your partner connects, and they focus on how you connect, you’re both onto a winner. 2. Demonstrate commitment The golden ticket here is the word ‘demonstrate’. You may well be very committed and loyal to your new partner, but if you don’t show that commitment, the other person might not be able to feel it. And if they can’t feel it, they may not know your commitment is even there. It might be just as simple as saying the words, or involving them in other aspects of your life. Just let them know you’re keen to share your life with them.   3. Communicate regularly The art of conversation is not so much about the eloquent and intelligent back and forth between people, but about being able to listen. One of the biggest blockages to modern conversation and communication is a mobile device with a wi-fi signal. If you cast aside technology, physically face one another and listen as much as you talk, this will boost your communication no end. Do activities together that allow you to talk, such as playing a game, baking a cake or going for a walk. Communication in front of a TV, a computer screen or a tablet can dry up faster than a puddle in the Sahara. 4. Show care You might be surprised at how easy it is to show care. It’s often the small things that you can do for each other day-to-day that tend to make a big difference. OnePlusOne, the relationship research charity behind Click, ran a campaign called Love Nuggets, where people submitted their favourite gestures of care from their partner. In pole position was “A hug and an ‘I love you’”, followed by “making a cup of tea for them in the morning”, and thirdly, “the other person cancels what they were doing so we could spend some time together”. So, nothing mind-blowing, just some loving, consistent day-to-day gestures that go a long way. 5. Get good at resolving conflicts Every couple faces conflicts. What matters is how you deal with them. If handled correctly, they can even strengthen a relationship. Whatever the conflict, it might be helpful to take a moment before you react to it. It’s quite easy to fire from the hip during stressful situations and say things you might regret. Five minutes can be enough to get your mind and feelings straight. Part of healthy conflict is avoiding the temptation to try and win. Try to work together and tackle the conflict as a pair. Remember that arguments are not necessarily the sign of a poor relationship - any long term relationship needs maintenance.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognise your own feelings and choose how you respond to them. This can allow you to take better control of the way you think and behave [1] and improve your communication skills by helping you to read other people’s emotions better [2]. Why emotional intelligence is good for your relationship Couples with strong emotional intelligence are more likely to be satisfied with their relationships [3]. The more aware you and your partner are of your own emotions, the easier it becomes to see things from each other’s points of view. This can help you feel closer, support each other better, and understand each other more [4]. Developing your emotional intelligence will help you communicate and resolve arguments more effectively. When you have a good understanding of how emotions work, you’ll find it easier to step back from a difficult conversation, examine the options, and look for ways to work towards a resolution [5]. How to improve your emotional intelligence The following tips can help you work on your emotional intelligence, allowing you to take charge of your emotions and improve your communication skills. 1. Learn to recognise your emotions  Developing your emotional intelligence starts with self-examination. Notice how you feel, particularly in times of stress or high emotion. Do you get angry easily, or sulk when you don’t get your way? What about other emotions – what does it feel like when you’re happy, confused, or bored? Check in with yourself from time to time and notice the way you experience different feelings. Without judgement, describe to yourself what you’re thinking and feeling. Notice the physical sensations as well as the thoughts in your head. Is your heart rate up or down? Is your mind racing or still? Are your muscles tense or relaxed? 2. Look behind your emotions Once you’re comfortable with the process of recognising your emotions, start to delve a little deeper and think about why you feel the way you feel. Is it because of what’s happening now, or are there other factors influencing you – perhaps something from the past, or an external factor like a work deadline or a lack of sleep? Check in on your emotions a few times a day, whether you feel good, bad or neutral. As you become more aware of the triggers that lead to certain emotions, you’ll find you can anticipate them, and even regulate them. This is an important step in learning to stay calm under pressure and composed during an argument. 3. Reflect on your behaviour Your thoughts and actions are intrinsically linked to your feelings. As you learn more about your feelings, expand your attention to notice how they affect your behaviour. Do you lash out when you’re angry? Do you leap to the defensive when you’re feeling hurt? Do you get single-minded when you’re under pressure? Remember that the ways you respond to different situations are the product of years of life experience. Try to observe your behaviour without judging it – this will make it easier for you to give yourself an honest account of what’s happening. Notice the links between your emotions, thoughts and actions, and see if you spot any familiar patterns. 4. Take responsibility Once you’re able to recognise the way you respond to your feelings, you can start to take more responsibility for your choices. Try to catch yourself before you react negatively to something, and see if you can make a different decision. This could be as simple as asking someone to clarify their meaning before you respond, or taking a break from something that’s irritating you. The more you practise this, the more you can start to choose how you respond to difficult situations and conversations. 5. Work on your empathy skills Understanding your own emotions will start to give you an insight into others’ emotions too. Being emotionally intelligent will not make you a mind reader, but it will give you a level of insight and understanding that can make you a much better communicator.The next time you are facing difficult feelings, try a quick check-in. Ask yourself: How am I feeling? What am I thinking? How is that making me behave?  You can’t stop yourself from feeling bad, but you can learn to make different choices when you do. References [1] Coleman, Andrew (2008). A Dictionary of Psychology (3 ed.). Oxford University Press. [2] Mayer, John D (2008). Human Abilities: Emotional Intelligence. Annual Review of Psychology. 59: 507–536.  [3] Brackett, M., Warner, R., & Bosco, J. (2005). Emotional intelligence and relationship quality among couples. Personal Relationships, 12(2), 197-212.  [4] Schröder-Abé, M., & Schütz, A. (2011). Walking in each other's shoes: Perspective taking mediates effects of emotional intelligence on relationship quality. European Journal of Personality, 25(2), 155-169.  [5] Zeidner, M., & Kloda, I. (2013). Emotional intelligence (EI), conflict resolution patterns, and relationship satisfaction: Actor and partner effects revisited. Personality And Individual Differences, 54(2), 278-283.