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“I lied to my boyfriend and now he can’t trust me”
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This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions.

When I first met my boyfriend seven months ago, I was still in some contact with two guys that I hooked up with, both of which I had to see due to work related obligations. I told him that I had blocked the one guy on everything, and later on he had seen that guy in my snapchat. He knew I was lying, and had confronted me on it. I ended up telling him that I had been receiving snapchats from him, they were meaningless pictures of his dog, and that was it. He didn’t believe me and thought there was still something going on, and I understand why. I was still friends with the second guy I had hooked up with, and he questioned me about him and I told him that he was just my friend and nothing had happened which was obviously a lie.

I ended up telling him I had hooked up with him, and then deleted both of them on my social media/snapchat. I ended up telling him later on after he had to dig to find out that the second guy I still had to be in contact with due to work related obligations. He already knew this about the first guy. I lied to him initially about the first guy because I just made a stupid mistake, and once I saw how intense his reactions were to finding this out, I was scared to admit to any of the other lies I had told him in the past. His reactions were warranted because I caused this, but they were explosive and scared me. This still isn’t a good excuse to lie, however that’s how I felt. Now he cannot trust me on anything, and I understand why, and is to the point where he is coming up with the idea, and is firmly believing that I cheated on him when I didn’t. I never did anything remotely close to that, but he thinks I'm lying.

We had a big fight recently, and I told him I had ordered chinese at work. He misheard me and thought I said “we” ordered chinese and firmly believes that I ordered chinese with someone else. I showed him proof of the transaction in my bank history, and it was a $10 bill which is about how much one person would spend on chinese. I provided him a record of the phone call I made to order the food, and he is claiming that someone must have taken the leftovers, even though I said I threw them out because I don’t eat leftovers and he knows this.

He is ready to end things with me, and I understand why but obviously don’t want this to happen and want to prove to him that he can trust me. An instance that has come up where he need to know something involving another male, I told him about immediately after fully expecting an explosive reaction but he had a great one. I have tried very hard for the past three months to show him that he can trust me, and every and any opportunity I have I give him to prove to him. He can see my location, go through my phone, knows my schedule, I don’t have any forms of social media anymore, he has access to every single thing of mine.

I understand why he doesn’t trust me, but I don’t want this relationship to end because I love him more than anything and I want to fix this and show him, and continue to show him, that he can trust me. Any words of advice on building trust and trying to get him to see clearly with this whole chinese food thing? I can explain more in the comments if anybody has questions.

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My boyfriend's last relationship failed due to her cheating on him. My relationships have always failed because I've allowed them to abuse, humiliate, and control me. Our relationship was going pretty well until I moved in. We were both used to living alone and not having to answer to anyone. I had spent four years in therapy gaining the strength to love myself and create boundaries with people that made me comfortable. My boyfriend hasn't had much therapy and has extreme trust issues. We had been fighting and he told me to leave. He had been trying to tell me who I could be friends with. I wasn't allowed to talk to family or friends to vent about my struggles, I had to make sure it was okay for me to go places, he wanted me to go to bed when he did, I couldn't go in another room to have time to myself, etc. I felt controlled again. I'm 47 years old and didn't feel I needed permission. I did move out. We were texting and he was very angry. He was calling me names and threatened to hurt himself. I was concerned for him and sent his sisters our conversation. Since then we have been trying to work on this and he doesn't trust me at all because I sent our texts to his sisters. I apologised and offered to do more to show he could trust me. I had to leave his house early last weekend because my best friend was in a serious car crash and I was her emergency contact. He didn't believe me and said I needed to take a picture to prove I was at the hospital. I did and my friend was extremely upset. I was devastated that I did something against her will but he said I needed to do what he asked so he could trust me. I have double pneumonia and have been in bed. He said he didn't know if i was telling the truth, but he wouldn't ask for proof. I honestly have done absolutely nothing for him not to trust me except sending our texts to his sisters. Ever. He said I haven't done anything to earn his trust and that I need to. Am I wrong in not feeling like this is right? I really need advice.
Ask the community | trust, emotional abuse, control
"Where do we go from here?"
I’ve been with my partner for 7 years and we have a young child together. I knew there were sexual issues early on, within the first year he just stopped showing me “that” kind of interest. I struggled with it at first. I loved him so much but he just seem to have little interest in me in that department. I brought it up a few times and he said he was consumed with work etc., but would make the effort. Nothing ever really changed. He even rejected me a few times which is devastating so I gave up in the end, just to keep hold of what little self esteem I had left. I’m now 7 years down the line and I feel broken by it. It’s unbelievable what years of abandonment and neglect can do to you. We had a huge row recently where he admitted he has this issue in every relationship he has but followed it up quickly by kinda letting me know he has no plans to address it or do anything about it. I’ve seen other posts on here from women who are in similar relationships but seem to get affection and attention from their partners. I get nothing. He doesn’t notice if I get my hair done, he never tells me I look nice, never cuddles me or kisses me. It’s a very hard way to live. I just know he doesn’t look at me that. I can feel it, Even if I try to accept it and live with it, it creeps up on me. Normally if our friends talk about their sex lives or I see something on tv, I start to feel stressed. It’s not about the sex for me, it’s about feeling desired, wanted and loved. The reason I’m posting on here today is that I’m about to leave. A decision that I’m struggling with as it will, of course, impact our child. Not only does he give me nothing in the way of affection or sexually but he’s picking on me all the time. Accusing me of saying things I’ve not said, saying I’m being horrible about people when I’m not, manipulating me using guilt to get me to spend weekends how he wants to spend them. No one else makes me feel as bad about myself as he does. I’m feeling like DIRT at the moment. I can’t work out what is going on. Is it not enough to deprive me of any romance and the hope of a loving relationship...but to criticise me constantly and imply that my personality isn’t any good on top of that? Currently we are not speaking. He drank too much the other night, became very irritating and difficult to be around (a common issue recently), but instead of admitting it the following day he has done his usual...accuse me of not being nice about people, he even made some stuff up so I’ve asked him not to talk to me. He has been doing this to me for years. In fact, I cannot think of a single time he’s taken any responsibility for anything that isn’t working in our relationship. In fact, knowing he had these sexual issues in all of his other relationships before he has blamed them on me a few times. I think that’s vile. I’m 38 years old. Am I going to agree to live by his terms when he can’t even treat me properly? What isn’t he worried I’ll leave him for someone else? If a woman deprived a man of these things she’d be waiting for him to sleep with someone else. My self esteem is shot to bits. I feel so angry that he’s stomping around currently as if I’ve treated him badly. None of the issues he seems to have with his own perception of my personality are anywhere near as huge as us having no intimate or emotional connection. I tried so hard to stop that part of our relationship from dying but he just didn’t care. What now?
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“I’m afraid to leave”
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“I don't trust my man's female friend”
Hi guys. I'm new here... I can't discuss this with anyone in my life, so *really* I hope you can help me wrap my head around this problem. Lately, I've been stressed by a new addition in my boyfriend's life: his female friend from work. He and I are in our 20s and have been together for two years. We've had a solid and happy relationship until this point...and it's still mostly happy as long as his "friend" doesn't come up in conversation. The summary is this: I don't trust his female friend AT ALL. And I feel that my boyfriend should be more alert to the red flags that I'm seeing from her. Henceforth I will call this girl "Lacey" and I'll call my boyfriend "Joe." Here's the facts on Joe: He's extremely mellow by nature. He's nonjudgmental (a little too much, in my opinion) He's extremely loyal and respectful towards women. He's a clear and honest communicator. My happiness is one of his greatest priorities, but he won't compromise his values or beliefs to please me. 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Instead of leaving soon after (which seems proper to me), she stayed and talked with Joe until after 1:00am. - She has asked to have dinner with Joe on a Friday/Saturday evening a few times. Once, they were out for about 6 hours. I ended up going to bed by myself. My boyfriend insisted that it was fine and normal. I feel it wasn't right. - The last time she came over, she kept pressuring my boyfriend to smoke a cigarette with her on our balcony, knowing that I wasn't happy about it. I didn't like the vibe I got from that. During this same evening, she talked about the banter she & Joe engage in through text. She sounded like a teenager bragging about thinly-veiled flirtation: "Omigod, like, he's SO MEAN to meeee! He said I was uglyyyy," she said while laughing. "Even when I make little sad faces in my text, he's still mean to meee!" ......... I just sat there like, Really? You think I wanna hear about what you two banter about? Joe insists that he knows what flirtation is, and doesn't flirt with her. - In the past month, she quit her job at the place where she and Joe worked. Now she has a lunch shift that coincides with Joe's. They've gotten lunch together a few times now. And she has posted two Instagram photos of them at lunch together. She likes referring to him as her BFF ("best friend forever"). In the second photo, she was pressed against his side with her hand wrapped around his upper arm. It was a pose that could be construed as either innocent or a bit too cozy. So that's it in a nutshell. I keep trying to avoid blaming Joe for condoning and going along with her questionable behavior (especially those dinners they used to get). I don't want to blame him because, all this time, he's been 100% upfront and honest about their interactions, and he said he'd never be inappropriate or cause problems. He also thinks I'm judging her too harshly and reading too far into her behavior. I think he's ignoring red flags, ESPECIALLY the fact that she's a shameless cheater! And I think he's egging her on by condoning questionable behavior: letting her take pictures of them together, buying her a funny shirt, texting her regularly, etc. I just don't know how to feel about this, guys. I hope you can tell me your thoughts about this. I know that asking him to end their friendship is out of the question. That's not my job as his girlfriend. But am I crazy for thinking she's behaving inappropriately? (Or is he behaving inappropriately too?) Am I crazy for thinking he shouldn't be hanging around with a woman who cheats shamelessly? Am I crazy for thinking that spending evenings alone with her is inappropriate from now on, now that they have the opportunity to get lunch together? I would really appreciate any advice or thoughts you guys have on my situation. It's so hard feeling so alone. :'(
Ask the community | trust, someone else, flirting
Affairs: a psychologist's perspective
This article was written by Prof Janet Reibstein, (co-author of Sexual Arrangements: Marriage and Affairs). The views expressed in this article are not necessarily shared by Click or OnePlusOne. Twenty years ago, I began an interview study of couples in which one person (at least) was having or had had an affair. As a new parent, I could not fathom how contemporaries of mine had the inclination or energy, never mind the time, to conduct one. Yet affairs, even among new parents, were happening and some of these couples presented themselves to my consulting room. The discovery of an affair at any stage of the relationship is still a chief reason couples come into therapy. I found, and so have others who bravely try to research this most difficult area (how do you study people’s secrets, for that’s what most are?), that people usually have affairs because they feel disappointed by marriage and are estranged in some way from the person they wanted to love and honour. They’d lost their way in love. Affairs struck me as primarily a symptom of people’s inadequacy in negotiating the changes of married life.  How do affairs start? The arrival of children, work taking one or both away into different worlds, not managing disagreements and conflicts and resentment building in consequence, all contribute. Or all of these combined can lead to the start of an affair. The upshot of not catching things early is feeling misunderstood, neglected, unappreciated, unloved, or undesired. Drift sets in. With it goes hope and effort. Attention wanders. And couples find renewal arises away from home.  Affairs can begin – and sometimes remain, a remedy for what particular light has gone out: just about sex, just about fun, just about talking and feeling understood. But sometimes they grow and become about love—the most dangerous kind for marriage (this applies even to ‘open marriages’). However, it’s possible, as research has shown that sometimes those affairs that stay limited and those that stay secret do not actually disturb the stability or commitment to the marriage (and the children in them), even if they might disturb the person having one. Dealing with the consequences But once an affair – except those tiny few ‘open marriages’ – becomes discovered or revealed, all marriages will suffer. This is related to how we understand marriage. We’re supposed to marry our best friends. We’re meant to be ‘intimate’ - to share innermost thoughts, private joys and troubles, ideas and pleasures. Thus, an act of intense intimacy and pleasure shared with someone other than our partner is like a dagger thrust first and then – the final betrayal- if kept secret from your ‘best friend’, repeatedly, is continual knifing at the heart of modern-day, best-friend-and-lover partnerships. Sometimes there’s a happy ending – sometimes not. But, as with all deep wounds, sometimes not. This marital drama’s been replayed over and over again in all my years in clinical practice. First I manage the wounds, and then return to the marriage: where, when, why the lights went out, before the wandering began.
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“Caught my partner watching porn”
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“My wife keeps texting her co-worker”
My wife recently took a new job. I will start off by saying she is very honest, loyal and has a history of being good friends with other men as well as women. I have never doubted her loyalty to me and continue to believe that she will be faithful. In addition, to be fair, I can be jealous at times (she never gets jealous) and have had moments of making something out of nothing on occasion. In her new job, she immediately became friends with a male co-worker who I know is mid-40s (she is 31). She insists it's nothing more than a friendship and that is her intention which is all that matters. They did end up out together one night for drinks after a few co-workers left and then a few days later he bought her an expensive bottle of wine which she told me about. I attempted to blow this off trusting my wife. The issue came up when I discovered texts from this man over the course of an evening until after midnight, including songs and videos he was sending her and a 30-minute phone conversation while I was out that evening. I then looked at her computer (I know I shouldn't have) and found that they were instant messaging each other all day at work. Nothing inappropriate but it wasn't all focused on work either. I confronted her after seeing this occur over several weeks - she insisted nothing was going on, he apologized the day after he texted and called her at night and that she had no bad intentions. Since then I assume they instant message each other during work and recently was at home and saw him text her at 10pm. I asked why he was texting her and she got pissed saying i didn't trust her. I trust my wife but I don't trust this other individual that I know sits next to her and works with her every day. She asked me what I want her to do - the problem is I want her to figure it out herself that she shouldn't respond to him after a certain time period. Am I wrong? I hate fighting with my wife and we see this very differently but I don't think I am wrong.
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“Caught between husband and daughter”
Hi I just want to know if I'm thinking right about all this. To cut a long story short, my daughter (16) and husband are totally at odds with each other. I love my daughter to bits but she has always been a handful. Truckloads of attitude, very highly strung, always right etc! She can also be very rude and disrespectful. I also love my husband but he does tend to be a very negative person, struggles to see the good in people / situations , and he also is very sensitive ie. Takes everything very personally. He can also be very antagonistic and quick to anger and tends to drop hints and be sarcastic rather than say straight out what his problem is. He is also quite an anxious person and seems to automatically think the worst all the time and worry unnecessarily. It used to drive me nuts but I've gotten used to it and try and ignore it now if I can. He has many good points which I prefer to concentrate on. However it drives my daughter mad. He is a great provider and is never violent but sometimes I find it hard to get close to him because of the negativity. He also doesn't take a whole lot of interest in the kids or their lives. Seems to notice every bad thing they do but rarely praises. My daughter openly tells him that she hates him and that he is a douche and that she wouldn't care if he was out of her life. Which I think is terrible and it really upsets me when she says this. But what upset me more is his reaction. In my opinion, he acts just as bad, threatening to leave, saying he isn't going to stay in a house where he is hated etc. I've tried to suggest that they talk to each other but that never goes well as neither of them ever admit they are wrong. I think they both are. My daughter is a hormonal, strong minded, determined teenager. As far as my husband is concerned, sometimes I feel like I am dealing with 2 teenagers ! I can see both points of view but whose side do I take here? I feel like the meat in the sandwich ! The constant enmity between them is really getting me down. I don't feel like I should have to choose between them but that is how I feel a lot of the time. Am I thinking right here? So confused and depressed. I just want to have a happy, functional family.
User article | arguments, despair, control, parenting
“Struggling with a sulky man”
Short and sweet... I am engaged to a guy since last year, we have been together for 10. I'm finding that his sulking is getting intolerable. Example: since 2 weeks he has given me the "I'm so sad" because my friends got me out the house unexpectedly and he did not like it and went quiet for days. I went to a car boot and I liked something but he thought that it was not right for me and because I bought it ....he sulked! Now only today I cooked the meal and it was time for my swimming lesson (trying to strengthen my compressed nerve), I told him to eat and I will when I get back but he became sulky and is now lying in the bedroom whilst I am in the living room. I have tried to speak to him but have noticed that if I do not speak to him first his next phase is the scorned man, when that does not work he is back to sulky. I am 49, he is 51. I feel like a child who is in trouble and it gives me sleepless nights. I have gone through the same with my ex for 23 years and this for 11 years. He is normally a good decent man but this behaviour makes me want to run away and live in a cave alone.
User article | emotional abuse
“Affair with best friend at work”
My best friend at work recently confessed that he was attracted to me and wanted to be with me physically. He is in a LTR and I am married. He told me he had been feeling that way for over a year and that he liked me a lot. He said he knew the feeling was mutual and the sexual tension between us was off the charts. I agreed that I was always attracted to him but I felt safe flirting with him because I'm married and he's 9 years younger than me. He was always honest with me about cheating on all his girlfriends. He said this is the longest relationship he's been in that he hasn't cheated yet. He hates commitment. He always said he doesn't want to get married because he can't imagine being with one person for the rest of his life. I told him this was crazy and it could ruin our lives and our friendship. He kept trying to convince me it would just be two friends having fun and it doesn't have to mean anything. I said I should be honest and say that at home everything is good. I really do love my husband and family and we don't really have an major issues. Two days after this conversation this guy kissed me. Not just a quick innocent kiss. He came up to me, held my face and looked in my eyes and kissed me very passionately. It was extremely intense. I stopped him and told him I needed a minute and he just held me tight and said "I've wanted to do that for so long" then we kissed some more. After that things got hot and heavy. Lots of sexting and some more make out sessions. Then we had sex. It was an amazing night. Without going into details we clearly both enjoyed it. He begged me to stay the night and I did. We had sex in the morning again. The next few weeks we talked a bit about it and if it was going to happen again but he started to get distant. I confronted him and he finally told me he felt guilty about cheating and that has never happened to him before. He said he wasn't over this whole thing he just needed time. So I tried to give him space. Then a few times just to see where his head was at I asked him if he wanted to hook up and he just said maybe but nothing happened. So I confronted him one more time and asked him flat out if all of it was just a game to sleep with me. He said absolutely not, he said he just felt guilty and he was still trying to process it. But then he tells me not to worry cause it's definitely happening again. Well after a few weeks I hadn't been sleeping right and tired of wondering what was going on I decided I needed it to be over. I told him I thought we should both agree that we lost our minds for a few weeks and we should just be friends. I said I need him more as my friend than I need to have sex with him. He agreed and that's where I left it. Things have been ok at work but now I find my self wondering what the whole point of this was. If he was ever really my friend why would he want me to risk everything just for sex? He's a good looking guy and I'm not really the type of girl people are making moves on. I'm cute at best but I'm not hot. Part of me thinks he had feelings for me and being with me scared him and part of me thinks he really just needed something to chase to get out of a rut with his girlfriend. I just hate not having answers. Does anyone have insight into this kind of thing?
User article | cheating, trust, sex
Does he even love me?
Hi ! Season's Greetings ! Hope all donig fantastic. I threw myself in but og a heart breaking situation here and im totally cofused what to do ? I broke my 14 years of toxic marriage with my husband . I few to another country immediately to pursue my further studies and met this guy. This guy already has long distance girlfriend. He claims to love her so much and keeps talking about her that how great she is. Slowly he started approaching me and telling me how good I am and started touching my body in little but inappropriate way. I confronted him and told him that I am totally in mess situation and I have become numb I don’t feel anything for you. He said I don’t know even if I feel anything for you but still he kept perusing me by flattering comments. I started taking care of him in every way and started to develop feelings for him. He kept coming close and I tried going away because he was committed and in love. After I tried going away he started becoming very rude and distant to me. Being in same house I felt horrible and I don’t know how but I went running to him asking why he is not talking to me and rude to me then he started to treat me bad and aggressively screaming on me. I was feeling lonely and horrible because I confided in him and told him all im going through and he was the only person I knew in the country. Then suddenly one day he tried kissing me and I let him. I was ashamed and honestly didn’t even feel nice.. since then he was again nice to me. This cycle kept on going till he got few physical favors from me (other than intercourse) and I kpet growing close to him. I do all his work help him in everything as of im his fulltime made and few physical favors whenever he needs to get close to me. One day I asked him what is all this and we need to stop this or you breakup with your gf and be with me. He said I just have attraction for you and care for you. We aren’t even want to having sex with each other (we do everything else but intercourse what gives only him pleasure not anything I want). I try so much to go away from him and he keep pulling me towards him . He keeps telling to his GF daily even in front of me. He compares his gf with me every time and try to show how great she is in everything. He said he value me and cares for me but he cant love me as he is committed and about physical attraction that he want to stop but couldn’t . Now he wants to stop because he is going to meet his gf after long and he is scared that experience with me would hamper his pleasure with his GF. Do feel deep emotions for him and I want to go away from him but I’m stuck in my emotions. Does he love me or not? Even I love him or is this anything else ? Otherwise I’m very strong person but first time with this man I’m falling weak and doing everything I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing for anyone. Why I am weak? I surely know he cant be the one for me but then what is this attachment? Please help me !
User article | emotional abuse
Building and maintaining trust
Article | trust, jealousy
Unpack the issue: jealousy and trust
To unpack this issue over the next few pages, we’re going to use this three-step approach: Look at WHAT the specific jealousy or trust issue is for you. Look at WHY this issue might be happening to you. Look at HOW you can help deal with it in a practical way. This approach offers a great way to unpack many other relationship issues and make sense of things. Throughout this journey, we hope to give you plenty of things you can take away and start practising in your relationships right away. Click ‘Next article’ when you’re ready to continue. The whole thing should take about 15 minutes. If at any time you want to start again with a different category, just select one of the options at the bottom of the page.
Activity | jealousy, trust, YP
“Do trust issues ever go away?”
I've been in a relationship with my now girlfriend for about 3 years. We have been living together for about 2 years. We recently have had some trust issues (going both ways), and though we have everything worked out, things feel a little "weird", and I'm wondering - will that feeling ever go away? Without getting into too much detail, she hacked into my email account (which is where I am having a difficult time with the trust), but admittedly she found some things that shouldn't have been there (which is where she is having a tough time). Specifically, a month or so ago, I had posted an ad in Backpage - it wasn't a serious ad, nor did it have any serious intentions, or real intentions at all. I sound like a terrible person writing this, but for years in the past, I had posted fake ads on Backpage looking for the responses to get some sick jolly out of it. I realize how wrong it was now, but - I'm wondering, will this weird feeling ever go away? And more specifically - I feel like while I will get over this issue, and though she says she is over it, I'm wondering if ever truly will be, or will ever truly trust me? People have much worse issues (actual physical cheating, gambling, ETC.) that strong relationships can prevail over - right? Or not so much?  Thank so much for any insight or help. 
User article | trust
“Something she said years ago”
We've been together for over 30 years...since high school. About 25 years ago, we had a big argument, enough of one that I stormed out for long walk to get my head straight. When I returned, we were both sorry it had happened and the first words to come out of her mouth was, "I made a mistake." At the time, less experience in hand, I assumed that to mean that she was sorry for the argument but now I wonder if she was. Why didn't she say, "I'm sorry", or "It was my fault", or "I shouldn't have gotten mad", or something along those lines. But she said she made a mistake, which leads me to wonder, as I have for many years, if she was trying to fess up to having cheated, which may explain why we got into an argument over something stupid to begin with...her feeling guilty. Truly, a person doesn't make a mistake when they cheat, as it's a choice, not an accidental choice either as it would have to be planned. So in anyone's estimation, is it likely that I have cause for wonder? Did she cheat and when I didn't pursue her statement she decided not to bring it up again thinking all was in the past? This has bothered me on and off for years and pops into my head every great once in a while when something reminds me of those times in the past. I even asked her about this a couple of years ago and she said she didn't remember saying that but it had to be because of our argument. If I found it to be true, I'd most likely forgive her, as it would have happened years before we were married. And it would give me a feeling a finally knowing the truth so that I could put it behind me. Should I ask her again and be steadfast that I want a real answer and explain to her my misgivings about her choice of words having given me this thought? What is the likelihood she really did cheat?
User article | trust, arguments
“How to move on from this?”
So my boyfriend of almost 2 years told me the other day that while I was away staying at my mother's house he had someone over to our apartment and received oral sex from them. We do not have a very good sex life because of the medications I am on and I just don't have much interest. But we do have sex on occasion. He is VERY sexual and needs to have sex every day to "de-stress." He justifies his action because I "don't give him any" and he has "urges." He takes me not being sexual very personally. It is like a drug to him and he is very addicted to it. He thinks that I understand why he did what he did and that we are moving on but I have been thinking to myself over and over if this is going to work or how to move on from this. I'm not sure what I should do next to address the situation?
User article | cheating, trust, sex
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