After a breakup, it’s normal to experience a range of emotions as you come to terms with the fact you’re no longer a couple. There’s no right or wrong way to feel and feelings can fluctuate constantly. On any given day, you might feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, anxious, or even relieved. When a relationship ends, many people experience a sense of loss and disappointment. It can be difficult to let go of the hopes and dreams you had for your relationship and look towards a new and uncertain future. Even if you were the one who ended the relationship, or you know it was unhealthy, the fear of the unknown can be harder to bear than the unhappiness you felt in the relationship. You might start to wonder if you have made the right decision. Both of you will miss things about each other, even when there’s a new partner involved. You may remember things you loved about your ex only when the relationship is over. No matter how happy your new partner makes you, it’s OK to miss some aspects of your previous relationship. But, while the leaver and the left may share a sense of loss, these feelings are likely to be more intense if you didn’t choose to end the relationship. You may feel out of control and, in the immediate aftermath,  it’s hard to minimise this feeling. Your routine has been disrupted and your life has changed. Psychologist and psychotherapist Dr Janet Reibstein explains: You haven’t planned for things so the chaos will be that much greater, the grief will be that much greater, and you’ll be going at a different pace. However, it’s often the emotional, rather than the practical, loss that feels most painful. Dr Reibstein recommends allowing yourself time to grieve your loss. It’s fair to say that, normally, as with a death, people go through the mourning process or readjustment and come out of it alive, and sometimes better off. Tips for dealing with a breakup: 1. Take time out to grieveRecognise the intense and conflicting emotions you’re feeling and accept that you won’t be at your best for a while. It’s OK to give yourself a break. 2. Remember that grief lessens with timeIt might seem easier said than done, but try to remind yourself that things will get easier after a while. 3. Don’t go through it aloneIsolating yourself can make the grief harder to cope with. Call on your support networks to help you get through this difficult time. If you don’t feel you can share your feelings with family or friends, head over to our listening room and speak to one of our Click Listeners.  4. Remind yourself of the futureIt may be hard to let go of the hopes and dreams you held for your past relationship, but it’s important to remember you have a new future to embark on. In time, you will have new hopes and dreams to replace the old ones. 5. Find new interestsTry to see the breakup as an opportunity for new beginnings. Take up a hobby that attracts like-minded people; get into sport and revamp your image; or use dating or social networking sites to make new friends – these things can help improve your confidence, take your mind off the breakup, and encourage you to have fun again.

Child contact centres are neutral places where children meet the mother or father who no longer lives at home with them. The centres provide a valuable service in allowing contact to take place which otherwise might not happen. There are two types of child contact services – supported and supervised.  Supported child contact centres are often held in community centres or church halls. They have facilities to help children build up or maintain their bond with the non-resident parent and other family members. Staff and volunteers are available to assist parents and help create a comfortable atmosphere.  They also deal with the handover of the child so ex-partners don’t need to meet. The staff are completely impartial and are not there to monitor or write reports about parents.  The only things recorded are the dates and times of attendance.  If the contact goes well – and everyone agrees – the next step might be for the parent and child to spend some time together outside of the contact centre. Sometimes the contact centre is used just to help with the handovers. After a while, many parents will feel confident enough that the contact centre is no longer needed. If you feel that a contact centre would be helpful to you, visit NACCC or talk to your solicitor, social worker, health visitor or doctor. In most cases, you will need a referral. Supported contact centres are suitable for families where no significant risks have been identified for the child or those around them. Where there are risk factors, supervised contact may be necessary. Supervised contact gives priority to the physical safety and emotional wellbeing of a child. It also assists in building and sustaining positive relationships between a child and members of their non-resident family. This requires skilled supervisors who are confident enough to intervene if necessary and can work with vulnerable children and distressed adults. Referrals will usually be made by a court, Cafcass officer, local authority, or another child contact centre.

Knowing how to deal with the practical issues of separation – sorting out new living arrangements, arranging child support, dividing assets – can help your life run more smoothly at a difficult time. Even though you are no longer in a romantic relationship with your child’s other parent, your first job is to build a new kind of relationship – a parenting partnership. Try to remember that your children's experience of your ex-partner is different from yours. Focus on your strengths as partners and parents, and let your children’s needs guide you. Communicating with your ex  Avoid blaming yourself or your partner. Agree not to let your own relationship issues come into the discussion. Create some rules together about how to manage meetings. If the conversation breaks down, agree to stop and continue at another time. Don't use your child to pass message between you and your partner. Focus on child-related issues and stick to the point. Work on a parenting plan. When you can't see eye to eye It’s inevitable that there will be some conflict or disagreement, but if you find that you can't see eye to eye, or if you're worried about anything, you could benefit from the help of a third party. This doesn't have to mean going through the courts. Mediation, arbitration or coaching can help you to negotiate your decisions and communicate better with your ex. A trained mediator's job is to act as an impartial third party, helping you exchange information, ideas and feelings constructively. Deciding on the best service for you depends on your circumstances: a mediator can help you manage you reach a decision around finances  and childcare, whereas an arbitrator can create a legally binding contract and is an alternative to court. Alternatively, our partners at amicable offer coaching sessions to help you and your ex-partner resolve your differences. Many parents end up distracted and upset during separation and find it hard to give their child the support they need. If you need help, call on a friend, health professional or counsellor. A sympathetic ear and a bit of reassurance can make life more manageable. Grandparents and other relatives can also be a source of support for you and your child. Does contact matter? Most children want contact with both their parents and carry on seeing both of them as part of their family. Keeping in contact with the parent who has left home reassures a child that, although life will be different, they are not losing one of their parents. The pain of separation and change can be worse for children if they also lose touch with others they are close to. Keeping in touch with other family members (who may also be able to offer extra support) can help a child adjust to new family arrangements. During contact time, it's the quality of parenting that matters most, not the amount of contact. Effective parenting, showing an interest, encouragement, love, and warmth are what counts. However, there are situations where contact may be damaging - for example, where there is no previous relationship or where there are known risks of abuse or neglect, domestic violence, or extreme conflict between the parents. In these cases, the court may place restrictions around contact, and these should be heeded.

Children react to separation and divorce in lots of ways – they may feel partly responsible, they may grieve for what they and their parents have lost, they may feel relieved, or they may feel angry and confused. Depending on their age, children show their distress differently. Babies and young children may become clingy or have trouble sleeping. Older children may get very angry, have trouble playing with others, or side with one parent over the other. Children need time and help to adapt. Most children will have some difficulty coming to terms with their new family life. A few may have long-term difficulties that can lead to emotional and behavioural problems. There are no hard and fast rules applying to children and divorce, but if you need help for yourself or in supporting your children, call on a friend, health professional or counsellor. Taking time to talk and listen Children can usually sense problems (even if they can't hear them) and will often think the worst, such as believing they are to blame for the separation. Telling them about what's going on can help them to make some sense of the situation. Listening to what children want future arrangements to be like, and reassuring them that they're not responsible for making final decisions, will help them to feel that their views are important but that they are not expected to have to choose between parents. You can help children feel more secure by supporting them to express their feelings, letting them know you understand how they feel, and making sure they know they can ask questions if they want to. Children often feel a great sense of loss. Letting them grieve is an important part of helping them to deal with the situation and to move on to accept the changes in their family relationships. Denial is a common response to big changes. Children may also express anger towards you. It’s all part of the process – try not to take it personally. A child will naturally have hopes and fantasies about the family, such as wanting you all to be reunited. Talking about these feelings, without raising false hopes, will help your child to move on. Being reassuring Children often feel they've done something wrong and that they are to blame for the breakup. Reassured them that they're not responsible and that, although the situation may be painful and difficult right now, you want to make things better for the future. Children are often afraid that if their parents loved each other before and now don't, they might stop loving them too. This fear can increase if there is a new partner or new children. Children feel more secure if they are reassured again and again that they are loved, and that although you and your partner feel differently about each other, you will continue to love and take care of them. Protecting them from your problems Children need to feel happy about enjoying the time they spend with the other parent. This can be hard, as they are often aware of the difficulties you are having. Reassure them that it's OK to love the parent who has left and avoid making them feel they should take sides. Hearing you criticise or blame the other parent can be extremely distressing for children. Avoid doing this in front of them so they don't feel burdened by information and details that they don't need to hear. To help your children to not feel guilty and responsible for the separation, it's especially important to avoid arguing in front of them. Keeping stability and a routine Sticking to a daily routine can help to keep other aspects of life as stable as possible. Try to wait before making any other big changes, like moving house or school, to avoid any further emotional and practical disruption. Encouraging children to see their friends, and keep up with hobbies or other activities, can help them keep some continuity in their lives. Some children may feel guilty about doing 'normal' things and having fun. Let them know it’s OK to do the things they usually enjoy. Children tend to do best when they are in a stable, predictable environment, and need to know that there are limits (limits they will sometimes test!). Being consistent can help a child to work through things more clearly. It will help if you and your ex-partner agree about discipline and are consistent in how this is carried out. Accepting support from others Finding people you can talk to and making sure you feel supported will help you avoid burdening your child with your emotional distress by confiding in them or relying on them for support. Children benefit from other people's support too. Grandparents or other family members can be an important support to both you and your children when they are worried. If teachers and other important adults in your child's life know about the separation, they can be more sensitive to your child too.

Most parents agonise about how the decision to separate will affect their children. Understandably, they worry about how to break the news and are apprehensive about how the children will respond. This is what happened in three families: 1. Michael, aged 10 Mum and Dad were arguing again and I was in my room, where I usually go when they’re shouting at each other. Then I heard Dad shouting for me and my sister to go downstairs – he sounded really angry and we were a bit frightened. Mum was crying and pleading with dad to stop and we knew it was bad. Dad said he was leaving and that it was all Mum’s fault and then he left and drove away. We didn’t understand what was going on or what would happen next. We didn’t know when we’d see dad again.  2. Grace, aged 7 We were having tea, when mum and dad said, “Oh, we’re getting divorced, but don’t worry everything will be fine”. They didn’t really tell us anything else and I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say. I think they were pretending to be cheerful and I could tell they didn’t want to talk about it so we all carried on as normal. Later, mum asked if I was OK and I said yes, but I was crying inside.  3. Jack, aged 10 and Courtney, aged 13 Mum and Dad said they wanted to talk to us in the kitchen. They looked serious. Mum said they had sad news – they were separating and dad was going to move into a flat nearby at the end of the month. Dad explained that they had been happy together once and one of the best things was having us children. They had tried to work things out but decided that the best thing would be for dad to move out. Mum said that love between grownups can change and it’s different from the love that parents have for their children. They said Dad would still see us lots; that we could stay with him in the flat and that he’d still pick us up from school once a week. We all cried a bit. Parents want to get it right and with good reason because, unless they are very young, children will remember how they found out about their parents’ separation for the rest of their lives. It helps if you set aside some time to plan how to break the news. When to tell the children The biggest impact on children is from the physical separation, so tell them before it happens. This gives them time to get used to it and ask questions while both parents are in the house. If you’re not sure when the physical separation will happen or if it is not likely to happen for some time, consider delaying the announcement, as there’s a risk your children might think it’s not really going to happen. How to tell the children Ideally, both parents should tell the children together. If this is not possible, try to agree on what to say, so that there are no misunderstandings and the children get the same message.Be prepared – it will still be a difficult thing to do and it might not stop you from feeling upset, but you will be more confident that you are giving the children the information they need. Brothers and sisters can be supportive in a family crisis, so try to have all the children present if you think it is appropriate. What to say There are five key things to remember when telling the children. Tell your children what to expect. Give them an explanation that they can understand. Offer lots of reassurance about the ongoing involvement of the parent who is leaving. Your children will need some time to take the news in. Give them a chance to express their worries and ask questions. Telling the children is a gradual process. The first talk is just the start of an ongoing conversation. When you are ready go ahead with the separation, our partners at amicable can help you find an affordable route to divorce.

Anger is a natural and common response to loss. Anybody going through a relationship breakdown is likely to get angry at some point. However, anger can sometimes be scary – not just for the person on the receiving end, but also for the person experiencing it. The intensity of feeling can make you feel like you’re out of control.  You may swing unpredictably from feelings of rage and revenge, to insecurity and sadness, and back again. Simply feeling angry is not necessarily a matter for concern, but how you deal with that anger is important. Feeling angry can be healthy when it gives you the energy to get on and take control; when it protects your self-esteem and helps you to stand up for yourself. It might also help you to separate emotionally from your ex. However, it’s important to remember the following Don’t bottle up your anger and turn it inwards. This can make you less available to your children, depriving them of the valuable relationship they have with you. In extreme cases, it can even lead to depression.   Don’t express your anger as aggression. Aggression, including the silent or passive kinds) can damage you and the people around you. Witnessing conflict is frightening for children and can have damaging effects. Anger directed at the children’s other parent will interfere with the development of a co-parenting relationship and will affect the quality of your children’s relationships with both parents. To make sure that your anger works through in a healthy way, talk about your feelings to trusted friends and family, or a professional counsellor. Take care of yourself – eat well and get some exercise. If you feel your anger is becoming a problem, you may need to change the way you think You may think you have a right to be angry and that whoever it’s directed at deserves it. Ask yourself what good the anger is doing. Weigh this up against the damage it could be doing to you and your children. You may think it’s OK to be angry because it doesn’t affect anyone else. However, it doesn’t do you any good to remain stuck in the past, unable to move on and, no matter how hard you try to keep things in, the people around you may still be affected by your anger. You may see anger as a way to get what you want. Try to let go of this and aim for positive communication. You will stand a much better chance of coming to an agreement with your ex when you can discuss things calmly. To get through an angry phase, you may need to acknowledge past pain. If you feel that your response to the current situation is disproportionate, it’s possible that you’re still reacting past injustices. Although you can’t do anything to change your experiences, you can work on changing your attitude towards them. It can be difficult to do this alone and counselling could help you to explore your feelings in a safe way. If you are being affected by your partner’s anger If your ex’s anger seems extreme or if they seem to be stuck in anger and unable to move on, you may need to protect yourself by limiting your contact with your ex. Your priority is to make yourself and your children safe. You may need to involve a solicitor to help and advise you. The Domestic Violence Helpline offers confidential support and information 24 hours a day.