This is a guest article written by marital therapist, Andrew G Marshall, a marital therapist and author. The views expressed in this article are not necessarily shared by Click or OnePlusOne.  Whenever I tell someone that they don't have to wait for their partner to commit to saving their relationship, I always get a quizzical look: “Doesn't it take two people to make a relationship work?” In over twenty-five years, working as a marital therapist, I've yet to meet a couple where the responsibility for getting into a mess is not pretty evenly spread. So, I have a lot of sympathy for people who're worried that this involves taking all the blame. It doesn't – just taking responsibility for your half. Instead of sitting around waiting or begging your partner to get with the programme, you can take control and break the deadlock. By changing your behaviour, you will be changing the whole dynamic in your relationship. Instead of the current downward spiral – where one nasty action sparks another – you can set up a positive circle where one kind one sparks another. Soon, your partner might notice the difference, soften and become more open to change. Here are five ways to move forward: 1. Look at your own contribution to the problem It’s much easier to complain about your partner's failings than look at your own. But step back and take a long look at what's been going on. When you cut away all the justifications, what do you regret doing? 2. Make a full apology I expect you've said ‘sorry’ many times before. Unfortunately, ’sorry’ can become a knee-jerk reaction or a way of buying peace (even if you don't really mean it). A full apology is different. It acknowledges both the unhelpful behaviour and the impact on the other person. For example: ‘I want to apologise that I haven't done more about around the house. It must have been exhausting for you and made you feel taken for granted’. Don't add an explanation (’I've had a lot of work on’) as this sounds like justification and lessens the power of the apology. 3. Ask yourself what you would like to change Hopefully your apology will have drawn a line in the sand and maybe even sparked a matching one from your partner. Don't worry if your partner remains sceptical. Imagine for a second, your partner has said: ‘Let's try again’, or, ‘Let's work on our relationship’. What would you do differently this time around? Instead of waiting for your partner, make those changes today. For example, listen more, help more with the children or approach problems more calmly. 4. Challenge your interpretation of what's happening between you We imagine there is a straightforward link between events and feelings. Your partner does not text and you feel unloved. However, it is more complex than that. Your reaction depends on our interpretation. For example, ‘he didn't text because he doesn't care’. No wonder you get upset. However, if the interpretation is, ‘he didn't text because his battery is flat’, the feelings might be irritation that he forgot to charge it. Equally, if your partner does not seem to have noticed your added efforts, challenge your interpretation. If it is ‘she truly doesn't really love me’, the response will be despair. If it ‘she is worried that I might slip back into the old ways, then the reaction might be to redouble your efforts. If you're not certain why partner behaved in a particular way, ask them rather than making assumptions. 5. Control your panic In my experience, more relationships fail after a declaration of ‘I love you but I'm not in love with you’ or infidelity because of the panic of the partner on the receiving end rather than the person who has fallen out of love. So, when you're feeling anxious, don't push for reassurance (as this only pushes your partner away) but go for a run, phone a friend or do some deep breathing exercises.

My husband of 23 years has moved home to his parents' house. He’s angry at me because I haven’t contributed financially to the home and bills. When he first left he said, show me some small income and I’ll come home. Now he’s talking divorces. I have a small child to look after. Why is he so angry?

I have been together with my boyfriend for 9 plus years. We have an 8 year old together. So why will he not divorce his ex-wife? They haven't lived together for 9 years, we got involved very soonafter they split. We both have our own houses and he even move in together. He comes over am

I'm depressed every day. My husband constantly complains about me. He snaps at everything I say. He doesn’t let me speak and genuinely looks so annoyed when I speak to him. Ironically, I think he truly loves me. We don’t have sex but he’s OK with this. I’m only 44 and long to have a sexual relationship again. I’m depressed every day. My kids would never forgive me if I divorced him.

My husband and I made the decision to separate late last year and have recently moved out. He has now needed to leave town for work. Our separation came at the end of a long relationship that began 14 years ago (at 16 and 25) and has putted along, not altogether unhappily but with discontent and basically living completely separate lives for the last 5 or so years. We have one child together who is intense behaviourally and he has not been supportive of my struggles with her, so I have worked part time and managed her as best I can while he has worked full.time and pursued his own interests and hobbies at leisure, never feeling that time at home or helping with our child should be prioritised. Last year it culminated in him travelling overseas several times alone and having a relationship there which has now ended. I see this as the catalyst for ending our relationship but not necessarily the whole reason - none of it would have happened if we were happy together. I don't feel as though we have ever been able.to bring out the best in each other. When he first wanted to separate, I was sad (mainly for our daughter) but worked through those feelings, developed peace with the situation and our need to separate and some months later (officially separated but still under the same roof) very tentatively began a new relationship. After this started he backflipped and said he wanted to be back together. He thinks that he is ready to change. The relationship has been up and down basically since the beginning and I honestly feel like the best thing for both of us would be to peacefully and amicably let it go and work on reconnecting him as a parent. I am ok with the whole thing - a little sad but also excited about rediscovering old hobbies, making new friends, starting a new job and seeing how my very cautious new relationship develops now I am living alone (well, with my daughter). He is not emotionally expressive like me, is holding on to a lot of regret and sadness and is really struggling. I am really worried that he won't be ok on his own, and I still care about him deeply and this hurts me a lot. I guess what I want to know is: How do I know if we have made the right decision? Should I get back with him again, do heaps of counselling and really, really try to make it work (obviously ending the new relationship I have begun, which I would struggle with at this point) for his sake and for our daughter? My gut feeling is that if we did this we'd just be delaying the inevitable. If not, how do I help him move on from the relationship? We obviously are still communicating because of our daughter. And how do I go forth and be happy with someone new when I can't shake the feeling I've left a trail of heartbreak behind me? I know this is too long (and yet still so much is left out)! I don't really expect anyone to have the answers but any ideas or experiences would ve helpful. Thanks :)

I am a married man, I have a wife and 2 teens. I’ve been married for over 15 years now. My wife is a good mom, but her lack of drive for success, and the mentality of being a housewife has turned me off for many years now. I’ve had a conversation with her about 7 years ago about going out there and getting her degree to challenge herself and help the family financially, I was always met with negative responses. Asking her to get a job was somewhat insulting to her and she tends to tell me I’m to blame for because I don’t like the jobs she applied to (they were not worth the time for the money) and she refused to get a job at decent places with good benefits (like Walmart or Aldi). In any event, through the years I’ve grown professionally and financially with very little financial input from her. I’ve taken care of her parents abroad as well as mine and I feel like I’ve just been a cash cow for everyone. I’ve had numerous discussions with her about my feelings and she finally decided to go out there and get a degree (because she senses I'm going to leave her) which I’m helping pay for, but for many years now I have not been connected to her emotionally, I don’t love her anymore and many things happened between us and her family where she didn’t back me up and chose her family instead. I am only married to her because of my kids. The sex is there just to take care of our needs, we don’t even kiss. During the pandemic I started trying to improve on one of the 4 languages I speak. I met someone on a language app, we started talking, very quickly moved to video conversations and we both started developing feelings. We share many goals, aspirations, and she is the complete opposite of my wife in so many levels which just draws me to her even more. She is also married. We’ve been romantically talking for 4 years now online consistently. Her husband is a macho guy who wants her as a maid essentially, she is putting her self through school with the help of her grandfather (who dislikes her husband) and is on her way to becoming a lawyer this year. I love everything about this woman. We met in person (I had a work trip to her country). We had great conversations and made love, I felt so at home with her I couldn’t believe it. I have never felt so happy in my life, never felt like this with my wife. She has never asked me for a nickel, and she’s helped me in some many ways, I feel like a different man with her. We both want out of our marriages, but I’m afraid of hurting my kids (16 and 13) and disrupting their lives. She is willing to leave her husband for me, she too has a kid (8 years old). I also don’t want to hurt my wife, I don’t love her but I don’t also want to hurt her self esteem and she also cannot support herself financially yet as she is in school till 2024 and working 1 day week for now. She knows I don’t love her like the first day we got married, we talked about it, tried working on it for a few years but it’s no use. We are both in our 40s and I am not happy with her and I feel I’d be giving up my own happiness if I don’t pursue my life with the other woman whom I love. I also feel my wife deserves to be loved, by someone who truly feels for her, not me. I don’t know what to do.

What can I do? I'm upset and sad.

Question Me and my wife have been married for 4 years and 11 months. We have 2 small children together. One is 1yr 4 months and the other is 3 years 6 months. She also has 2 from previous relationship ages 9 and 13. Long story short, I cheated on her in December of 2021, I left the house for about a month or so and we sort of got back together. I know I messed up, there’s no question about it. But things never went back to the way they were and I’ve been trying for almost a year and I’m basically done. I’m not happy at all, she doesn’t make me happy, we spend 2 weeks without talking and then 4 days which are good. Then back to the same routine over any little argument. I’m tired of being alone, actually I like being alone but I just hate feeling alone. And I don’t want to make it a habit to go running to another woman or looking for the attention that my wife doesn’t give me. My question is. What happens once you get a divorce? I’ve always wanted to give my kids the life that I didn’t have growing up (and I mean anything that makes them happy, a nice comfortable home, whatever toys they like etc) and I guess the only way for them to keep living their lifestyle is if I keep paying for everything, but then again I don’t want to live in a box myself. If I divorce my wife, what she makes won’t necessarily make ends meet….. she’s going to struggle with rent and everything else. I’ve been paying rent on her business location for 2 years, and what it costs me per month is about half of what she makes from there as well per month. I can’t pay that and everything else as well for my kids to live the same way. Heck I won’t even be able to pay for my own place basically if I keep coughing up all my salary on every single bill. I’m tired of being needed more than being loved. And I kinda feel like the only days that we are happy is when I’m spending money on her….. no idea. I know I did wrong, and we’ll I had my reasons which we spoke about them a few times and things never changed to what I wanted from her. I want someone who doesn’t need me, who is loving and caring, who at least says thank you for all the work I do in order to provide for my home, who’s proud of me and motivates me to keep on hustling harder and harder each month. In the end it’s for us…… I love my kids, I love spending time with them and taking care of them which I have no problem doing whatsoever. But I just feel like my happiness will cost them their well-being. And as far as getting a divorce, I rather be alone than to be with someone who basically ignores me all day. Who doesn’t trust me but does nothing to be around me. P.s her female cousin came from another country and is living with us now, and I hate having people in my home when things in my relationship aren’t going well. Like I said, im alone all day, if I talk to someone it’s work related….

Going through a divorce can be painful, but can also be lifesaving. Life after divorce can teach you how to live to the fullest, reinvent yourself, grow, and explore new opportunities coming your way. While you might be experiencing a ton of different emotions, you'll also get the chance to focus on yourself and find peace. This is the time to try new things, go to new places, meet new people, and get rid of anything that reminds you of your past. Here is a list of freeing things you could try after your divorce. Start fresh Your life is about to change, so let yourself be guided by your intuition. It's time to rediscover yourself and embrace the unknown. Here are some strategies that can help you clean the plate and start fresh. Practice mindfulness Get into a 10-minute meditation daily routine. Find a quiet place where you can be with yourself only. After meditation, journal and let your future-self know how you felt. Practice mindfulness breathing throughout the day. Get real! Yes, life is sh*tty and might hurt, but it's time to be honest with yourself. Ask yourself, what is really happening at this moment in my life? And wait for the answer. It's most likely a positive change that can teach you an important lesson. Forget trying too hard to get over it. You need patience in order to move on. If you're trying to rush the process, nothing good will come of it. Be patient with yourself and your feelings and accept them as they come. When it's time to let them go, you will. For now, you need to feel them. At some point during this process, you'll also need to redefine your values. Most times, our values can intertwine with our partner's, and we forget who we are individually. You might want to write your values down to begin the healing process. Take care of your health Your health and energy are interdependent and should be aligned. If you're not getting better as you go through the divorce process, there's a chance you will harm your kids and other people you're close to. Not only will you make them suffer but you'll also make yourself unhappy. Stay off junk food Replace it with healthy meals. If you don't feel like cooking, ask a close friend to help you out or order healthy meals. Exercise at least three times per week This will help you feel more energized. There will be days when you really don't want to do it - this is the time to work out even harder. Keep yourself motivated Ask yourself questions. Why did this happen? What should I learn? Am I loving myself enough? What are some things I could change and how? What motivates me? Make the decision to take care of yourself and then do it. It's not going to be easy but it's definitely going to be life-changing. Challenging yourself to grow each day is fun. Start a new hobby To jump-start your new life, you want to take on new hobbies and explore new passions. You could start by learning: Yoga This is a great way to destress and let your body heal on its own. Creative arts You could pick up drawing or painting! Cooking If you're not a great cook, you could start learning now. Gardening You could start learning the art of gardening and join groups online. Traveling This will get your mind off your troubles for a long time. Career Focusing on your career can be a hobby when you love what you do. Embrace your passions and build up new skills and ways of coping with life. While a divorce might make you think you're alone, pursuing new hobbies will help you realize that you could be excited and happy again. Communicate your feelings and forgive Last but not least, it's time to explore your feelings and communicate them for closure. If enough time passed, you could write a letter to your ex and let them know what upset you during your time together, what helped you learn more about yourself, and how your life has changed since your breakup. You don't have to send them the letter, you could burn it once you're done - but writing down your feelings can help your mind and heart purify. Forgiving your ex will help you move on. Wrapping up Life after divorce can be challenging but taking these actions will help. Work on becoming a better person and explore new passions while you're at it. Stay patient and committed to your growth. Eun Rockwell is a blogger and academic writer. She likes trying new subjects and is always focused on proving her worth as a writer in new and challenging writing areas. Her hobbies are reading books and traveling.

I need advice, I need help, please, I can't find any information on this situation I'm in right now. (My s.o. uses they/them pronouns, just to clarify). My s.o. and I were friends for 3 years before dating, we liked each other for a long time. When we met they were in a five year rebound, from their unplanned child's father. They got pregnant on accident, decided to keep the baby. Were made to get married by his family or get kicked out, six months after baby came their husband (who they were in love with) cheated with the nanny and left them. Five years later still having feelings they hooked up again after the rebound came to an end. I was their roomate during that part, they had a mental breakdown when he left again. A couple years later they hooked up again, but stopped since there was nothing there anymore for either of them. About five months later we started dating. (They did say when I asked, that if there had been any possibility of us being together the second time they wouldn't have done it, they were lonely and sad both times and he was the one that asked to hook up) Here's where the issue comes in, I had really bad RJ about those times when they hooked up. We've mostly resolved that after I told them about my RJ. I trust them, and believe them when they say there is nothing left for their ex. It's been eight years since their marriage happened, their son is 8 years old. The issue: they are still legally married to him. That's another long story. They want to marry me though, they know it's what I've always wanted. My stipulation to them before proposing to me was to be legally divorced. They said as soon as they have money they will make it happen. They were working a job for about two months, and even asked me to send them photos of their marriage license to them. Which of course was very hard for me to see, but I did it. Since then though, they've said nothing about it. My fear is that they will use the divorce in the proposal, or that they haven't done it yet. Now they have no money again as they are a full time student. No way will I pay for their divorce. Also the ex comes up constantly. They mention him all the time, even knowing it bugs me. He's a good dad, but I don't like him as a person. They want to be friends again and keep inviting him to come and do family things. I can tolerate that for their sons sake, but it won't be easy. I'm tired of hearing about him and their life together, tired of my s.o. using "we" and "us" statements when talking about their past together. A couple days ago they were talking to him on the phone (about plans for drop off and pick up), and they were joking about going to divorce court, which must mean it hasn't been done yet. But also, it's not a joke, it almost sounded like they didn't want to do it. It upset me so much