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Unpack the issue: jealousy and trust

To unpack this issue over the next few pages, we’re going to use this three-step approach: Look at WHAT the specific jealousy or trust issue is for you. Look at WHY this issue might be happening to you. Look at HOW you can help deal with it in a practical way. This approach offers a great way to unpack many other relationship issues and make sense of things. Throughout this journey, we hope to give you plenty of things you can take away and start practising in your relationships right away. Click ‘Next article’ when you’re ready to continue. The whole thing should take about 15 minutes. If at any time you want to start again with a different category, just select one of the options at the bottom of the page.

Activity | jealousy, trust, YP

Fancying and flirting with other people

This article was written by Prof. Janet Reibstein, a psychologist and Professor in the School of Psychology at the University of Exeter. The views expressed in this article are not necessarily shared by Click or OnePlusOne. Unsurprisingly, many couples argue about flirting and fancying others. You don’t start affairs without fancying. It’s a firmly held belief that partners should command each other’s sexual attention. But how far that ‘attention’ extends is not well defined; it's not always clear what constitutes an ‘affair’. When does fancying someone else or giving off sexual signals in a relationship even without physical contact, constitute danger or betrayal? But clamping down unnecessarily courts a different sort of disaster. I once was on a forum with a clergyman, who gamely confessed that women assumed that because he was a married vicar, that that meant he wasn’t sexually alive. When he flirted, they were shocked. Plaintively, he cried, ‘I may be a married vicar, but I still have eyes, and I’m not dead from the neck down! I’d never have an affair but these are two different things!’ It’s my reading – of both research and clinical data — that what seems at stake around flirting are two things: whether you are ‘enough’ to keep your partner and insecurity about the relationship’s future. We’re deluged with sensuality in our culture, reminding us that most are still alive from the neck down and most have eyes to see others - who are also sexual. So, that’s part of normal interactions. And if we like the person we’re talking to, and he or she also pleases our senses, that inescapably confirms our own sensuality. If we try to ignore this (the vicar would argue we can’t), it might mean we also ignore our basic sensuality. That affects our partnerships. In Esther Perel’s book, Mating in Captivity, she cites research showing that over time most couples get into a sexual rut, and argues that couples can redress this partly by making their sex lives conscious and deliberate. One way, she recommends, is to observe each other’s sensual effects on others: to give permission to flirt. As you do, you become aware of your own power to attract as well as your partner’s. It does mean we need to be alert to boundaries though. But what are acceptable ones? Boundaries make people secure. By establishing them, you make things explicit, agreeing what makes you secure, and why. Talking about boundaries clarifies why you’re scared, what sets it off, and why. You reassure each other, redefining activities that might have set off feelings of insecurity in the past but don’t have to any more. For instance, if your ex-boyfriend’s flirting led to infidelity, you are likely to feel threatened when your partner flirts. But if you are reassured of his fidelity to you and that he still finds you attractive you may find over time that ‘flirting’ needn’t mean ‘affair’. By being open, you also undermine the damaging role secrecy plays in flirting. Talking intimately about sensuality can also invite sensuality into the relationship. Talking to establish boundaries can reassure both of you that there’s nothing concealed, or to conceal. Flirting is undeniably dangerous: it can be heady and therefore lead to a wish for more. The implication of shared sexual desire for another does challenge a committed partnership and so as it grows there is usually a wish for concealment. But if you conceal or exclude your partner from your activities with others you might fancy, two things happen: firstly, you are signalling something suspicious is occurring and secondly you are defining your flirting as unacceptable to the partnership. When Perel suggests openly flirting she’s pointing to a couple talking honestly with each other, finding a way to bring into the relationship excitement that occurs outside it. That can’t happen with secrecy. That’s why talking and reaching common understandings is central to establishing boundaries. Central are the ‘meanings’ of flirting or fancying. If the meaning you give to your partner’s attraction to someone else is that they are less attracted to you — you’ll feel threatened. If the meaning you give to flirting is betrayal, trust in your partner and your future together will be undermined. But if, as the vicar suggests, fancying others means you’re sensually alive while still a faithful partner, you can feed sensual life back into your relationship.

User article | flirting, cheating, sex

“Checking out other girls”

Me and my partner are together for a few years. We have kids. Few years ago we had a lot of problems. First he was seen in a picture in a nightclub talking to a girl. First he tried deny it was him, then said it was his friend's cousin, and then said he didn’t remember talking to her. He denied getting with her and I still don’t believe him. Other times he was checking out his ex on Facebook, and other girls. There have been a few times involving other girls but he says he has never cheated. I have put on weight since the kids and have been diagnosed with a rare diseases so my sex drive has gone a bit. I understand he needs to masturbate but I can’t help but think it’s over girls on Facebook again that he fancies. I can’t talk to him about it because he will say I’m bringing up his past.

User article | jealousy, trust, social media

Jealousy over ex-partners on Facebook

Most of us have looked up an old flame on Facebook. There can be something compelling about having a good old look through an ex’s new life without you. And while it may seem frivolous or harmless to peer through these windows that social media grants you, it can cause you to let your past interfere with your present, which can pose a risk to your relationship. I started to get suspicious when I noticed my girlfriend had added her ex on Facebook. She insisted it was innocent; they were just old friends keeping in touch. But then he started emailing her, texting her, calling her... and it soon became clear he just wanted to get back together. Simon, Hertford. To avoid any potential Facebook fallouts (or full-on cyber warfare), sit down with your partner and work out what you’re both comfortable with. Most couples will find it helpful to set some boundaries for their time on Facebook and other social media. You might discover you’re both happier if old flames are off-limits or even defriended, but perhaps simply telling each other about any new contacts you’ve added will be enough to maintain trust. Facebook can be addictive and the advent of smartphones has meant some people find it difficult to log out. Many couples now set aside some phone-free time, during dinner times and date nights, so no one feels neglected in favour of the news feed. Every time I look round, my husband has got Facebook up on his phone. I get that it keeps him entertained while we’re in the supermarket or on the bus, but when he’s still on it while we’re sitting in a restaurant waiting for our food to arrive it really, really infuriates me. Louisa, Cheshire. When one partner spends a lot of time on their phone or computer, the other can become suspicious and jealous. It’s easy to start wondering whose profile they’re scrolling through, or who they’re chatting to as they chuckle by your side. Try not to let your imagination run ahead of you. Talk to your partner and ask them to include you more in their online life. It needn’t take place in a secret world you know nothing about - often sharing the occasional bit of news or a funny status update is enough to make a partner feel included. Do you and your partner keep your ex's on Facebook? How has it affected your relationship? Tell us about it in the comments below.

Article | social media, ex-partner

“I don't trust my man's female friend”

Hi guys. I'm new here... I can't discuss this with anyone in my life, so *really* I hope you can help me wrap my head around this problem. Lately, I've been stressed by a new addition in my boyfriend's life: his female friend from work. He and I are in our 20s and have been together for two years. We've had a solid and happy relationship until this point...and it's still mostly happy as long as his "friend" doesn't come up in conversation. The summary is this: I don't trust his female friend AT ALL. And I feel that my boyfriend should be more alert to the red flags that I'm seeing from her. Henceforth I will call this girl "Lacey" and I'll call my boyfriend "Joe." Here's the facts on Joe: He's extremely mellow by nature. He's nonjudgmental (a little too much, in my opinion) He's extremely loyal and respectful towards women. He's a clear and honest communicator. My happiness is one of his greatest priorities, but he won't compromise his values or beliefs to please me. He gets sad about the fact that he has very few friends. He doesn't want to lose Lacey's friendship. Here's the facts about me: I'm pretty smart and diplomatic. I'm a pretty good judge of character and strongly dislike unethical people. I'm not a jealous person and know that I can't change someone or dictate how to live their life. If there is a conflict, I always scrutinize my feelings and perspective before the other person's. Here's the facts on Lacey: She's in her mid-twenties and is single. She comes across as attractive and normal.... until you know her backstory. She got pregnant as a teenager and has two kids by two men. She was married to Dad#2 until he cheated. Then she started cheating WITH him on his currently-pregnant girlfriend. She felt zero guilt about this. Now Dad#1 has temporarily moved into her apartment with his new girlfriend. Lacey is now cheating with him instead. Again, she feels no guilt for doing this. Besides those scary facts, this is my biggest problem with her: She seems clueless about proper behavior when being friends with a man in a relationship. Here are some examples: - When Joe and I first started hanging out with her, we'd go out every weekend. Then I started realizing she had no interest in being friends with me. She ignored my existence 90% of the time and only talked to Joe about work or her life. Also, she would only text him, not me. I found it very rude and started not wanting to hang out with her. - While she was cheating with Dad#2, she would show Joe VERY EXPLICIT texts that Dad#2 would send her. Things like, "I wanna lick your *bleep* and make you *bleep* while you *bleep* my *bleep." I think it's very inappropriate that she showed these to my boyfriend. - She came over once to hang out. I got tired at midnight and went to bed. Instead of leaving soon after (which seems proper to me), she stayed and talked with Joe until after 1:00am. - She has asked to have dinner with Joe on a Friday/Saturday evening a few times. Once, they were out for about 6 hours. I ended up going to bed by myself. My boyfriend insisted that it was fine and normal. I feel it wasn't right. - The last time she came over, she kept pressuring my boyfriend to smoke a cigarette with her on our balcony, knowing that I wasn't happy about it. I didn't like the vibe I got from that. During this same evening, she talked about the banter she & Joe engage in through text. She sounded like a teenager bragging about thinly-veiled flirtation: "Omigod, like, he's SO MEAN to meeee! He said I was uglyyyy," she said while laughing. "Even when I make little sad faces in my text, he's still mean to meee!" ......... I just sat there like, Really? You think I wanna hear about what you two banter about? Joe insists that he knows what flirtation is, and doesn't flirt with her. - In the past month, she quit her job at the place where she and Joe worked. Now she has a lunch shift that coincides with Joe's. They've gotten lunch together a few times now. And she has posted two Instagram photos of them at lunch together. She likes referring to him as her BFF ("best friend forever"). In the second photo, she was pressed against his side with her hand wrapped around his upper arm. It was a pose that could be construed as either innocent or a bit too cozy. So that's it in a nutshell. I keep trying to avoid blaming Joe for condoning and going along with her questionable behavior (especially those dinners they used to get). I don't want to blame him because, all this time, he's been 100% upfront and honest about their interactions, and he said he'd never be inappropriate or cause problems. He also thinks I'm judging her too harshly and reading too far into her behavior. I think he's ignoring red flags, ESPECIALLY the fact that she's a shameless cheater! And I think he's egging her on by condoning questionable behavior: letting her take pictures of them together, buying her a funny shirt, texting her regularly, etc. I just don't know how to feel about this, guys. I hope you can tell me your thoughts about this. I know that asking him to end their friendship is out of the question. That's not my job as his girlfriend. But am I crazy for thinking she's behaving inappropriately? (Or is he behaving inappropriately too?) Am I crazy for thinking he shouldn't be hanging around with a woman who cheats shamelessly? Am I crazy for thinking that spending evenings alone with her is inappropriate from now on, now that they have the opportunity to get lunch together? I would really appreciate any advice or thoughts you guys have on my situation. It's so hard feeling so alone. :'(

Ask the community | trust, someone else, flirting

Affairs: a psychologist's perspective

This article was written by Prof Janet Reibstein, (co-author of Sexual Arrangements: Marriage and Affairs). The views expressed in this article are not necessarily shared by Click or OnePlusOne. Twenty years ago, I began an interview study of couples in which one person (at least) was having or had had an affair. As a new parent, I could not fathom how contemporaries of mine had the inclination or energy, never mind the time, to conduct one. Yet affairs, even among new parents, were happening and some of these couples presented themselves to my consulting room. The discovery of an affair at any stage of the relationship is still a chief reason couples come into therapy. I found, and so have others who bravely try to research this most difficult area (how do you study people’s secrets, for that’s what most are?), that people usually have affairs because they feel disappointed by marriage and are estranged in some way from the person they wanted to love and honour. They’d lost their way in love. Affairs struck me as primarily a symptom of people’s inadequacy in negotiating the changes of married life. How do affairs start? The arrival of children, work taking one or both away into different worlds, not managing disagreements and conflicts and resentment building in consequence, all contribute. Or all of these combined can lead to the start of an affair. The upshot of not catching things early is feeling misunderstood, neglected, unappreciated, unloved, or undesired. Drift sets in. With it goes hope and effort. Attention wanders. And couples find renewal arises away from home. Affairs can begin – and sometimes remain, a remedy for what particular light has gone out: just about sex, just about fun, just about talking and feeling understood. But sometimes they grow and become about love—the most dangerous kind for marriage (this applies even to ‘open marriages’). However, it’s possible, as research has shown that sometimes those affairs that stay limited and those that stay secret do not actually disturb the stability or commitment to the marriage (and the children in them), even if they might disturb the person having one. Dealing with the consequences But once an affair – except those tiny few ‘open marriages’ – becomes discovered or revealed, all marriages will suffer. This is related to how we understand marriage. We’re supposed to marry our best friends. We’re meant to be ‘intimate’ - to share innermost thoughts, private joys and troubles, ideas and pleasures. Thus, an act of intense intimacy and pleasure shared with someone other than our partner is like a dagger thrust first and then – the final betrayal- if kept secret from your ‘best friend’, repeatedly, is continual knifing at the heart of modern-day, best-friend-and-lover partnerships. Sometimes there’s a happy ending – sometimes not. But, as with all deep wounds, sometimes not. This marital drama’s been replayed over and over again in all my years in clinical practice. First I manage the wounds, and then return to the marriage: where, when, why the lights went out, before the wandering began.

User article | cheating, trust

“My wife is texting other men”

This is my first post, and I'm writing it after having just confronted my wife over messages on her phone. About 2 months ago, I start having suspicions over the amount of texts she was getting, so rightly or wrongly I managed to get her phone (which she normally guards like a monkey with nuts). I quick skim through her messages showed me that my older brothers best friend had been texting her with some really dodgy stuff. With this information, I entered my wife facebook page, and found even more messages in her trash that she obviously thought she had got rid off. I confronted the problem then, telling her to stop talking to him. For a while it seemed to be ok, then it started again last week. I walked in to the study to find her click off of a conversation on facebook she was having with someone.. i deliberately hung around till the reply pooped up on her screen, and guess who... its that fella again!!.. this time it didnt seem to be rude though. I asked her why she was talking to him again, to which I got accused of being a control freak and not letting her talk to anyone. That night I took myself downstairs to sleep on the sofa, next morning a gave her another clean slate and said nothing of it. However the issue must be on my mind, because as soon as she left her phone unguarded i checked again. Probably the wrong thing to do, but there were no sexually explicit texts this time thatI saw, just a few with some strong sexual references, suggesting sex on the beach.. and asking her if she was all wet?! (sorry if that offends anyone). I confronted it again, once again being accused of being a control freak.. and being told I should leave. However as soon as I suggested that I would seek custody for our son, stating he deserved better than a woman that would do this to her family it all changed... she wanted relationship counselling etc. What do I do? Just so you know the background, My wife was in a previous relationship, and had 3 children. She found out he was having an affair with a man at work and so they seperated, however I have heard part conversations of other versions, stating actually my wife was sleeping with his brother (yet again more secrecy). At 21 years old I took on the role of dad to these 3 boys that I now see as my own, however I know legally I have no standing. But Joseph is mine, after a very late miscarriage two christmases ago, where we lost a daughter at 7 months, we were lucky to conceive Joseph... and he is a little star.. his first word is Dada... and to be honest is probably the reason I've stuck around.

User article | cheating, trust

“My boyfriend thinks I'm hiding things”

I am at my wits end about an ongoing issue between myself and my boyfriend of 12 years. We haven't had the smoothest of relationships and have split numerous times over the years always instigated by him, always for the same issue. He has told me he doesn't trust me in the past because he says I hide things from him that have happened. Or I have lied about where I am going. Both things I disagree with but he shouts at me that much I end up agreeing and doubting myself. The latest incident was about three weeks ago I returned from a work trip and we were browsing through holidays. He took my phone from me and said I want to look on your facebook. I was shocked at his sudden demand and got angry that he was invading my privacy. He said he knew I had been messaging someone and accused me of turning up to his house a couple of weeks before with a love bite on my face (which was eyelash tint). He then asked me who had been sending me horse racing tips on twitter and I couldn't think what he was talking about until afterwards (channel 4 tipster that tweets, doesn't send me messages). He looked through my Facebook messages, twitter messages, text messages, questioned me about numbers and my internet history. When he was doing this I was getting angry and shouting at him. I panicked when he checked my internet history because I had looked at someone's twitter account the night before from my past (male). He asked me who the person was and I lied because, when I once searched for a friend he ended things with me. I should have told the truth immediately I realise that because I wasn't doing anything wrong, but my past experience with him scared me. I thought he would leave me again. After I had shouted at him to get out and told him I needed to sleep I texted him because I didn't want to sleep on an argument. He was continuing to say I was hiding something and I owned up to who the person was. He said there was more I was hiding and he called me all sorts of names. Since this I have proceeded to tell him that I wasn't hiding anything else and he still disbelieves me. We did meet up to talk a couple of days after and he said he didn't know what he wanted to do. We decided to go away from each other and meet again. When we did he told me he had kissed another girl a week after the incident and maybe more and has kept in contact with her. I felt cheated and he said we had already ended. He is now also claiming that the last time we split up I gave my phone number to someone he knew but didn't tell him when we started contact again. He claims I told him I had only chatted to him online. I don't remember saying this as it was a year and a half ago but don't think I would have lied about it. He first said I hadn't come to him and told him I had been chatting to this person and he had to ask me about it and said I wasn't open enough with him. I was then able to remember that he asked me during the first time we spoke so how could I have told him any sooner. He also says I lied about the place someone lived that I dated because one minute he said I told him it was one then a different. I also disagree with this and can only think I may have been talking about different people. I have told him I believe he has issues as I don't see the relevance of whether I chatted online or through text to someone, whether someone was from one or the other place and really he has no right to ask me about anything from when we were apart and not in contact as he had made the decision to end us. He says I have an issue telling the truth and will even be willing to come and explain it to a counsellor for me because I obviously don't know I am doing it. Am I in the wrong? I am losing my mind.

Ask the community | trust

“Caught my partner watching porn”

I don't know what hurt me the most. The fact i thought i knew him and thought he wasn't like that, the fact he KNOWS i don't like it and I've told him it would really hurt me or the fact he told me not to come round and pick him up and instead he'd wait for the car and meet me at mine in an hour (well now i no why he didn't want me to turn up!) Walking in on him last week really shocked me. His face when he slammed his laptop down and ran to the door and almost stopped me from coming in was weird!! And I am SUCH a fool! Immediately I thought porn but even though he had no pants on I still reminded myself not to assume as ironically its our 1 year anniversary next week and I thought he may be booking something. Ha!! Anyway, I asked him if it was good (i was actually only joking as i didn't see the toilet roll until after I'd asked it) and he said no not really and I nearly broke down in tears. Anyhow long story short I stormed out and drove home with my phone in my bag assuming he'd be ringing or texting asking why I left but NOTHING. It took me 20-25 minutes to get home and then when he did text he had a go at me!!! So when I phoned him (really upset and shouting) he initially said he did it for me. Later when he admitted he didn't know why he did it I then got him to admit that actually he was lying about "doing it for me". He claims he cant remember me telling him how much it would hurt me and says its the first time he's ever done it. However i'm finding it hard to believe that its such a coincidence that the first time he does it since being with me is the time i walk in on him doing it. I don't know what to do. Its our anniversary on Friday and I've only just started being able to put my arms round him n let him get close in bed and kissing and this happened last Wednesday! We have good sex n he does very nice things for me but the fact he obviously doesn't listen to me or care about my feelings means I'm struggling to get over it. How can I trust he wont do it again?? Please help!

Ask the community | pornography, trust

“My wife keeps texting her co-worker”

My wife recently took a new job. I will start off by saying she is very honest, loyal and has a history of being good friends with other men as well as women. I have never doubted her loyalty to me and continue to believe that she will be faithful. In addition, to be fair, I can be jealous at times (she never gets jealous) and have had moments of making something out of nothing on occasion. In her new job, she immediately became friends with a male co-worker who I know is mid-40s (she is 31). She insists it's nothing more than a friendship and that is her intention which is all that matters. They did end up out together one night for drinks after a few co-workers left and then a few days later he bought her an expensive bottle of wine which she told me about. I attempted to blow this off trusting my wife. The issue came up when I discovered texts from this man over the course of an evening until after midnight, including songs and videos he was sending her and a 30-minute phone conversation while I was out that evening. I then looked at her computer (I know I shouldn't have) and found that they were instant messaging each other all day at work. Nothing inappropriate but it wasn't all focused on work either. I confronted her after seeing this occur over several weeks - she insisted nothing was going on, he apologized the day after he texted and called her at night and that she had no bad intentions. Since then I assume they instant message each other during work and recently was at home and saw him text her at 10pm. I asked why he was texting her and she got pissed saying i didn't trust her. I trust my wife but I don't trust this other individual that I know sits next to her and works with her every day. She asked me what I want her to do - the problem is I want her to figure it out herself that she shouldn't respond to him after a certain time period. Am I wrong? I hate fighting with my wife and we see this very differently but I don't think I am wrong.

User article | trust, someone else

Relationships and social distancing

Article | family, social media, Health

“Affair with best friend at work”

My best friend at work recently confessed that he was attracted to me and wanted to be with me physically. He is in a LTR and I am married. He told me he had been feeling that way for over a year and that he liked me a lot. He said he knew the feeling was mutual and the sexual tension between us was off the charts. I agreed that I was always attracted to him but I felt safe flirting with him because I'm married and he's 9 years younger than me. He was always honest with me about cheating on all his girlfriends. He said this is the longest relationship he's been in that he hasn't cheated yet. He hates commitment. He always said he doesn't want to get married because he can't imagine being with one person for the rest of his life. I told him this was crazy and it could ruin our lives and our friendship. He kept trying to convince me it would just be two friends having fun and it doesn't have to mean anything. I said I should be honest and say that at home everything is good. I really do love my husband and family and we don't really have an major issues. Two days after this conversation this guy kissed me. Not just a quick innocent kiss. He came up to me, held my face and looked in my eyes and kissed me very passionately. It was extremely intense. I stopped him and told him I needed a minute and he just held me tight and said "I've wanted to do that for so long" then we kissed some more. After that things got hot and heavy. Lots of sexting and some more make out sessions. Then we had sex. It was an amazing night. Without going into details we clearly both enjoyed it. He begged me to stay the night and I did. We had sex in the morning again. The next few weeks we talked a bit about it and if it was going to happen again but he started to get distant. I confronted him and he finally told me he felt guilty about cheating and that has never happened to him before. He said he wasn't over this whole thing he just needed time. So I tried to give him space. Then a few times just to see where his head was at I asked him if he wanted to hook up and he just said maybe but nothing happened. So I confronted him one more time and asked him flat out if all of it was just a game to sleep with me. He said absolutely not, he said he just felt guilty and he was still trying to process it. But then he tells me not to worry cause it's definitely happening again. Well after a few weeks I hadn't been sleeping right and tired of wondering what was going on I decided I needed it to be over. I told him I thought we should both agree that we lost our minds for a few weeks and we should just be friends. I said I need him more as my friend than I need to have sex with him. He agreed and that's where I left it. Things have been ok at work but now I find my self wondering what the whole point of this was. If he was ever really my friend why would he want me to risk everything just for sex? He's a good looking guy and I'm not really the type of girl people are making moves on. I'm cute at best but I'm not hot. Part of me thinks he had feelings for me and being with me scared him and part of me thinks he really just needed something to chase to get out of a rut with his girlfriend. I just hate not having answers. Does anyone have insight into this kind of thing?

User article | cheating, trust, sex

“Do trust issues ever go away?”

I've been in a relationship with my now girlfriend for about 3 years. We have been living together for about 2 years. We recently have had some trust issues (going both ways), and though we have everything worked out, things feel a little "weird", and I'm wondering - will that feeling ever go away? Without getting into too much detail, she hacked into my email account (which is where I am having a difficult time with the trust), but admittedly she found some things that shouldn't have been there (which is where she is having a tough time). Specifically, a month or so ago, I had posted an ad in Backpage - it wasn't a serious ad, nor did it have any serious intentions, or real intentions at all. I sound like a terrible person writing this, but for years in the past, I had posted fake ads on Backpage looking for the responses to get some sick jolly out of it. I realize how wrong it was now, but - I'm wondering, will this weird feeling ever go away? And more specifically - I feel like while I will get over this issue, and though she says she is over it, I'm wondering if ever truly will be, or will ever truly trust me? People have much worse issues (actual physical cheating, gambling, ETC.) that strong relationships can prevail over - right? Or not so much? Thank so much for any insight or help.

User article | trust

“Something she said years ago”

We've been together for over 30 years...since high school. About 25 years ago, we had a big argument, enough of one that I stormed out for long walk to get my head straight. When I returned, we were both sorry it had happened and the first words to come out of her mouth was, "I made a mistake." At the time, less experience in hand, I assumed that to mean that she was sorry for the argument but now I wonder if she was. Why didn't she say, "I'm sorry", or "It was my fault", or "I shouldn't have gotten mad", or something along those lines. But she said she made a mistake, which leads me to wonder, as I have for many years, if she was trying to fess up to having cheated, which may explain why we got into an argument over something stupid to begin with...her feeling guilty. Truly, a person doesn't make a mistake when they cheat, as it's a choice, not an accidental choice either as it would have to be planned. So in anyone's estimation, is it likely that I have cause for wonder? Did she cheat and when I didn't pursue her statement she decided not to bring it up again thinking all was in the past? This has bothered me on and off for years and pops into my head every great once in a while when something reminds me of those times in the past. I even asked her about this a couple of years ago and she said she didn't remember saying that but it had to be because of our argument. If I found it to be true, I'd most likely forgive her, as it would have happened years before we were married. And it would give me a feeling a finally knowing the truth so that I could put it behind me. Should I ask her again and be steadfast that I want a real answer and explain to her my misgivings about her choice of words having given me this thought? What is the likelihood she really did cheat?

User article | trust, arguments

Parenting through Rise-filtered glasses

Article | social media, parenting

“How to move on from this?”

So my boyfriend of almost 2 years told me the other day that while I was away staying at my mother's house he had someone over to our apartment and received oral sex from them. We do not have a very good sex life because of the medications I am on and I just don't have much interest. But we do have sex on occasion. He is VERY sexual and needs to have sex every day to "de-stress." He justifies his action because I "don't give him any" and he has "urges." He takes me not being sexual very personally. It is like a drug to him and he is very addicted to it. He thinks that I understand why he did what he did and that we are moving on but I have been thinking to myself over and over if this is going to work or how to move on from this. I'm not sure what I should do next to address the situation?

User article | cheating, trust, sex

“Girlfriend cheated, I can't get over it”

I met the perfect girl about two years ago who ended up being my first love and first serious relationship. She became my girlfriend, my best friend, my EVERYTHING! Then almost a year into the relationship I was going through some stuff that made me very stressed out and less available to spend quality time, which put a huge strain on our relationship. My girlfriend began to go out with her friends all of the time and I never thought anything of it because I trusted her and was busy myself so I wanted her to have fun. One day later on down the line I see a picture that she was tagged in on Facebook with this guy behind her dancing with her. We had a rule that we wouldn't dance with anyone else and when I questioned her she said they took the picture right when he got behind her to dance with her... Being the (dumb) trusting boyfriend, I accepted what she said without question and just asked her to remove the picture. Then a couple of weeks later, she had a falling out with her roommate who supposedly posted that my girlfriend cheated on me on Facebook and my girlfriend told me about it and how it wasn't true and being once again the (stupid) trusting boyfriend, I was receptive to what she said without question. Cheating was something that i didn't think she would ever do because I knew that she loved me dearly. I began to feel myself becoming more and more unhappy primarily due to the great amount of strain that was put on our relationship because of what I was going through. My girlfriend was somewhat supportive but complained and didn't like it at all one bit. I thought about things for weeks and decided to break up with her because I needed time and didn't wanna do anything bad to her like cheat or anything. She was heartbroken and begged for me back but I refused. Months later I tried getting back with her and she was not making it easy for me at all. There was another guy who she was seeing but she still loved me and it showed and I knew I just needed to be patient so I was. She then decides to get some type of birth control that required her to have an STD test and come to find out she has syphilis and I was likely to have to it as well because we had sex on several occasions. Being focused on wanting to get her back I completely brushed that off when she told me and she felt like she couldn't make me wait for any longer because I was the best thing that's happened to her and she dropped everyone and got back with me. Weeks following I found out that she lied about a guy she said she didn't have sex with and that she cheated on me back when I was going through that stuff and her roommate had posted it on Facebook and told me it wasn't true when it really was. I was completely crushed! I couldn't do anything but want to work things out because I had just gotten her back and wasn't ready for things to end. She made a 360 degree change for the better and has shown me that she was sorry and loves me and would never do anything like that again. It has been seven months and still to this day, I can't seem to forget about it and I feel like its preventing me from moving on with her. Things will be good for a couple of weeks and then something will happen or I'll see something that reminds me of what she did and it just brings me back to the situation and how much it hurt me. Still to this day there has been a lingering unhappiness that I just can't get over because of what she has done and I do not know what to do with myself! I wish I could just get over it so I can move on with this girl and my life! She has done everything she possibly can to show she is sorry and to make things better. Although I do want to move on with this girl I'm not most concerned with that. What I'm mainly concerned with is what the best thing for me to do for MYSELF is. Advice would be greatly appreciated.. I have been having way too many sleepless nights..Thanks! By the way... my girlfriend and I are both in college. I'm 20, going on 21, and she's 19, going on 20.

User article | cheating, trust

Building and maintaining trust

Article | trust, jealousy

“Unrealistic expectations?”

I started dating this guy, we'll call him "Joe" about two years ago. For the first few months of dating, everything was great as it usually is in the beginning. I did notice that he had a lot of female friends on Facebook. I don't have a Facebook account, but he used to scroll through it on his phone with me next to him. One day, about a month or two into our relationship, he was at my house and received a call and spoke with a female friend of his who was in a female prison or halfway house. I tried not to listen in, but at the end of the call he said (right in front of me, not hiding anything) "I love you! Bye!" He then told me a sad story about this woman who had been his friend for decades, who had been incarcerated for holding drugs. He said that she didn't do anything wrong, and he "had no reason not to believe her." I think that is naive of him, but whatever. He told me they had never been romantically involved. He told me he was sending her some money, and that she was looking for an iPod or something for music. I had an old iPod, but it wasn't new enough for her, in his opinion. Over the next few months, he kept talking about her, explaining how they met, how his friend had dated her. He told me about her ex-husband and children. He told me how she'd looked the last time her saw her (how she looked like she was on drugs, etc.). When we were together for about five months, she was released. She messaged him through Facebook while we were at my house, and they had a little back and forth, exchanging numbers. He did say that he was "at his girlfriends house," and showed me her picture, saying she used to be prettier. Since then, he's completely stopped talking about her. I started noticing when we were scrolling through his Facebook that her name kept popping up in posts and messages, and he would quickly swipe them away. Fast forward to now - I bought a house, and he's moved in. He stopped looking at Facebook in front of me completely, and I asked a few times, but he always changed the subject. To note, he is chipping in 1/2 of everything financially, but not chore-wise. A few months ago, we were looking at YouTube videos on his phone, and an alert popped up about a Facebook message from her. He made an offhand comment to the affect that "she sends me crude photos and videos." Now here is where I did the wrong thing. I checked his Facebook from his computer, where he was always logged in. I saw such disgusting videos of naked women, references to dildos, oral sex, etc. coming in direct messages from her. I confronted Joe, under the guise of him telling me that she was sending him crude photos and videos, and asked him to tell her to stop since I didn't like it. He flipped out, changed the subject, and then said he'd delete his Facebook account. I told him I didn't want him to delete his account, just tell her to stop the filthy messages. He said he wouldn't do that, he'd just delete his account. He's since re-activated his account. BUT he hides it 100% from me, doesn't get any alerts at all on his phone anymore. I horribly looked at his computer, and he's not logged in anymore, but when he looks at his email in bed I see his notifications from Facebook, which he quickly swipes away. I've asked him several times about her, why I haven't met her if she's such a good friend, and he says that its because she lives 2 hours away. We've visited people 3 hours away, 17 hours away, etc. I'm ready to end this over someone I've never even met. Not because I think he's cheating physically, but because he won't be honest with me. Am I being unreasonable?

User article | emotional affair, digital affair, social media

“Is my baby's father interested?”

I was seeing him when he was still in a relationship. He has since then split from his partner but has a daughter from that relationship. When I told him I was pregnant he told me I had to have the baby (I was planning on another abortion until I found out I was five months). But couldn’t be involved straight away as the split from his partner had affected his daughter and he needed to put her first. This was in April. He carried on seeing me throughout my pregnancy but never asked anything about it. I told him about scans and how it was going etc. I gave birth to my beautiful boy nearly three weeks ago, which I told him when I gave birth. I asked if he wanted to see baby and the response I got was that I should rest since I had a c-section and he’d get to see him when he does. Since then he’s spoken to me normally and occasionally asks how baby is doing but it doesn’t move past that. I also asked about a middle name and what surname to put down on the birth certificate and he said that it was up to me and I should choose. He didn’t seem too keen to give him his surname. Am I wrong to question if he wants to be involved again? I feel like he’s not very interested. Yet wants to see me for sex etc? I’m really confused about what to do in regards to this.

User article | trust, cheating