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“Questioning everything about my wife”

My wife recently drifted into an emotional semi-sexual relationship after 15 years of marriage. Out sex life has been nonexistent and even when it happens it wasn't all that fun. We grew complacent (mostly my fault) and she has started spending more time with girlfriends. There is one woman (who is married) that she has grown very close with and a couple weeks ago my wife told me that her friend would send joking/playful texts to her. Nothing earth shattering about that until she revealed that she liked it and that it was turning her in. She has never indicated any fantasy about a woman so that was shocking to me. She asked me how I felt about it and I admitted that it turned me on. She asked me if she could respond to these joking/sexy messaging and I said ok as long as I am in it with her and it can be used to enhance our sex life (which it has immensely). The texting has continued and ramped up in terms of its sexual graphic nature. My wife says that it’s only fantasy and that she could never see herself doing it, but I am concerned she’s not being honest about what she might do if the right situation/circumstances present themselves. The biggest issue (if that wasn’t it) is that the other woman is married and she is not sharing any of the exchanges with her husband which makes me uncomfortable. I tried suggesting that we work together to try and find another woman who is not a close friend (or married) to bring in to our relationship and she hesitated saying that she wasn’t so much attracted to women but this particular woman. Is that a red flag? Struggling to try and figure this out...

User article | communication, cheating, trust

“Disappointing anniversary”

Hello everyone. This is my first time ever asking strangers for help but here goes nothing... Recently my man and I had our first anniversary. I was really excited about it because we had such a tough first year with a lot of bumps in the road for me to forgive. He has even stated that he knows I had to deal with too much. I did make it known that I was excited about our anniversary so it was not a secret. When the day came there was nothing. He didn’t even tell me happy anniversary at all. His excuse was his plans got ruined due to a family issue and after that happened he just felt like it all went wrong and couldn’t pull it together. This really hurt me and I’m struggling with letting it go. Am I overreacting?

User article | communication, trust

“Travelling vs settling down”

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years now. I have had my own house for two years, which he lives in and contributes a more than a fair share towards bills and food. We are both in our early 30’s. He wants to travel and I want to settle down. We have talked about selling my house and buying one together in 2019, as well as potentially starting a family. For years he has loosely talked about travel, but never seems to make any solid plans to achieve this goal. At one point (due to redundancy), I had said that I would consider travelling 1 month with him and then fly home, leaving him to complete his travels on his own or with whoever he pleases. This would be between being made redundant and starting a new job. I soon got cold feet and worried about paying my mortgage when he started changing his mind about which month to go. I thought this could turn into me being on hold waiting through his long decision making process and then the travel not actually happening. I also started to feel like travelling wasn’t for me and I was planning the month purely for him, and it was a big risk not lining up a job when there were no solid plans in place. A few months ago, he told me he was depressed and really unhappy in his job, so I encouraged him to do his travel alone and take a career break. He has considered taking his career in a different direction, so my opinion was that this would be the perfect time. He has spent the past three month researching travelling alone and put the feelers out to other companies he may wish to work for in future. He is now starting to get cold feet about going travelling in July and is considering holding off until January 19 as the weather is better in Vietnam. For me, I feel like this is another case of him being unable to commit to plans and actually make decisions. I feel as if my asks of him in a relationship are not important as moving out his travels overlaps with us buying a home together. My life feels like it is on hold for him, while he slowly ponders on how to go about his travels.

User article | communication, trust

“Accusing my boyfriend of cheating”

So I have had this problem for a long time. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 and a half years and he is the love of my life. Before we got together I left an ex boyfriend to be with him after being treated horribly, being cheated on by him and having him tell me he was still in love with someone else. Me and my boyfriend are like partners in crime, and at first that nothing could separate us. Now there is a girl at work that he has built a strong friendship with, much more beautiful than i could ever be, and I can’t stop thinking that he is falling in love with her and he will soon cheat on me with her. We have argued about this often, but our last argument was a severe one, to the extent that he has said he will leave me if I don’t stop accusing him of cheating, as he is hurt that I can’t seem to trust him around her. I don’t want this to ruin our relationship. Honestly he is the best thing to happen to me, so what do I do?

User article | communication, cheating, trust

“My girlfriend likes another guy”

The main issue is that I want her to be sure of what she wants. I want her to be happy whether with me or not. We have been dating for about 6 months. She is just running from her issue with him because anytime he comes up in conversation she still really likes him. And she hasn't really talked to him in a few months to avoid that issue and yet her feeling is the same. Am I wrong for wanting her to talk to him as a friend to see what she actually wants? And she broke up with me cause she thinks her feelings are still going to grow for him despite loving me. As for me I wouldn't be in a relationship if I also liked someone else. Any feedback would be appreciated.

User article | communication, someone else, trust

“We just cannot talk without arguing”

This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ My fella and I have been together for 8 years and have children together. Over the past 4 years we have be gradually been drifting apart with issues from work , neighbours from hell and me not sleeping. I have tried to talk to him, he just balls up into a hedgehog and blames me. We never do anything together not even talk and over the summer I decided for us to separate – the kids are in the middle watching us argue and its killing me. He is moving out on Friday and I'm the one crying, distraught and sad. He on the other hand is cold, angry and uncommunicative as usual. What has happened: I have been so open, honest and trying to keep a handle on this. What more could I have done and have I done the right thing. I am sad for him but why hasn't he made any effort! I need help.

Ask the community | communication, arguments

How to save your relationship yourself

This is a guest article written by marital therapist, Andrew G Marshall, a marital therapist and author. The views expressed in this article are not necessarily shared by Click or OnePlusOne. Whenever I tell someone that they don't have to wait for their partner to commit to saving their relationship, I always get a quizzical look: “Doesn't it take two people to make a relationship work?” In over twenty-five years, working as a marital therapist, I've yet to meet a couple where the responsibility for getting into a mess is not pretty evenly spread. So, I have a lot of sympathy for people who're worried that this involves taking all the blame. It doesn't – just taking responsibility for your half. Instead of sitting around waiting or begging your partner to get with the programme, you can take control and break the deadlock. By changing your behaviour, you will be changing the whole dynamic in your relationship. Instead of the current downward spiral – where one nasty action sparks another – you can set up a positive circle where one kind one sparks another. Soon, your partner might notice the difference, soften and become more open to change. Here are five ways to move forward: 1. Look at your own contribution to the problem It’s much easier to complain about your partner's failings than look at your own. But step back and take a long look at what's been going on. When you cut away all the justifications, what do you regret doing? 2. Make a full apology I expect you've said ‘sorry’ many times before. Unfortunately, ’sorry’ can become a knee-jerk reaction or a way of buying peace (even if you don't really mean it). A full apology is different. It acknowledges both the unhelpful behaviour and the impact on the other person. For example: ‘I want to apologise that I haven't done more about around the house. It must have been exhausting for you and made you feel taken for granted’. Don't add an explanation (’I've had a lot of work on’) as this sounds like justification and lessens the power of the apology. 3. Ask yourself what you would like to change Hopefully your apology will have drawn a line in the sand and maybe even sparked a matching one from your partner. Don't worry if your partner remains sceptical. Imagine for a second, your partner has said: ‘Let's try again’, or, ‘Let's work on our relationship’. What would you do differently this time around? Instead of waiting for your partner, make those changes today. For example, listen more, help more with the children or approach problems more calmly. 4. Challenge your interpretation of what's happening between you We imagine there is a straightforward link between events and feelings. Your partner does not text and you feel unloved. However, it is more complex than that. Your reaction depends on our interpretation. For example, ‘he didn't text because he doesn't care’. No wonder you get upset. However, if the interpretation is, ‘he didn't text because his battery is flat’, the feelings might be irritation that he forgot to charge it. Equally, if your partner does not seem to have noticed your added efforts, challenge your interpretation. If it is ‘she truly doesn't really love me’, the response will be despair. If it ‘she is worried that I might slip back into the old ways, then the reaction might be to redouble your efforts. If you're not certain why partner behaved in a particular way, ask them rather than making assumptions. 5. Control your panic In my experience, more relationships fail after a declaration of ‘I love you but I'm not in love with you’ or infidelity because of the panic of the partner on the receiving end rather than the person who has fallen out of love. So, when you're feeling anxious, don't push for reassurance (as this only pushes your partner away) but go for a run, phone a friend or do some deep breathing exercises.

User article | saving it, communication

“I don't trust my man's female friend”

Hi guys. I'm new here... I can't discuss this with anyone in my life, so *really* I hope you can help me wrap my head around this problem. Lately, I've been stressed by a new addition in my boyfriend's life: his female friend from work. He and I are in our 20s and have been together for two years. We've had a solid and happy relationship until this point...and it's still mostly happy as long as his "friend" doesn't come up in conversation. The summary is this: I don't trust his female friend AT ALL. And I feel that my boyfriend should be more alert to the red flags that I'm seeing from her. Henceforth I will call this girl "Lacey" and I'll call my boyfriend "Joe." Here's the facts on Joe: He's extremely mellow by nature. He's nonjudgmental (a little too much, in my opinion) He's extremely loyal and respectful towards women. He's a clear and honest communicator. My happiness is one of his greatest priorities, but he won't compromise his values or beliefs to please me. He gets sad about the fact that he has very few friends. He doesn't want to lose Lacey's friendship. Here's the facts about me: I'm pretty smart and diplomatic. I'm a pretty good judge of character and strongly dislike unethical people. I'm not a jealous person and know that I can't change someone or dictate how to live their life. If there is a conflict, I always scrutinize my feelings and perspective before the other person's. Here's the facts on Lacey: She's in her mid-twenties and is single. She comes across as attractive and normal.... until you know her backstory. She got pregnant as a teenager and has two kids by two men. She was married to Dad#2 until he cheated. Then she started cheating WITH him on his currently-pregnant girlfriend. She felt zero guilt about this. Now Dad#1 has temporarily moved into her apartment with his new girlfriend. Lacey is now cheating with him instead. Again, she feels no guilt for doing this. Besides those scary facts, this is my biggest problem with her: She seems clueless about proper behavior when being friends with a man in a relationship. Here are some examples: - When Joe and I first started hanging out with her, we'd go out every weekend. Then I started realizing she had no interest in being friends with me. She ignored my existence 90% of the time and only talked to Joe about work or her life. Also, she would only text him, not me. I found it very rude and started not wanting to hang out with her. - While she was cheating with Dad#2, she would show Joe VERY EXPLICIT texts that Dad#2 would send her. Things like, "I wanna lick your *bleep* and make you *bleep* while you *bleep* my *bleep." I think it's very inappropriate that she showed these to my boyfriend. - She came over once to hang out. I got tired at midnight and went to bed. Instead of leaving soon after (which seems proper to me), she stayed and talked with Joe until after 1:00am. - She has asked to have dinner with Joe on a Friday/Saturday evening a few times. Once, they were out for about 6 hours. I ended up going to bed by myself. My boyfriend insisted that it was fine and normal. I feel it wasn't right. - The last time she came over, she kept pressuring my boyfriend to smoke a cigarette with her on our balcony, knowing that I wasn't happy about it. I didn't like the vibe I got from that. During this same evening, she talked about the banter she & Joe engage in through text. She sounded like a teenager bragging about thinly-veiled flirtation: "Omigod, like, he's SO MEAN to meeee! He said I was uglyyyy," she said while laughing. "Even when I make little sad faces in my text, he's still mean to meee!" ......... I just sat there like, Really? You think I wanna hear about what you two banter about? Joe insists that he knows what flirtation is, and doesn't flirt with her. - In the past month, she quit her job at the place where she and Joe worked. Now she has a lunch shift that coincides with Joe's. They've gotten lunch together a few times now. And she has posted two Instagram photos of them at lunch together. She likes referring to him as her BFF ("best friend forever"). In the second photo, she was pressed against his side with her hand wrapped around his upper arm. It was a pose that could be construed as either innocent or a bit too cozy. So that's it in a nutshell. I keep trying to avoid blaming Joe for condoning and going along with her questionable behavior (especially those dinners they used to get). I don't want to blame him because, all this time, he's been 100% upfront and honest about their interactions, and he said he'd never be inappropriate or cause problems. He also thinks I'm judging her too harshly and reading too far into her behavior. I think he's ignoring red flags, ESPECIALLY the fact that she's a shameless cheater! And I think he's egging her on by condoning questionable behavior: letting her take pictures of them together, buying her a funny shirt, texting her regularly, etc. I just don't know how to feel about this, guys. I hope you can tell me your thoughts about this. I know that asking him to end their friendship is out of the question. That's not my job as his girlfriend. But am I crazy for thinking she's behaving inappropriately? (Or is he behaving inappropriately too?) Am I crazy for thinking he shouldn't be hanging around with a woman who cheats shamelessly? Am I crazy for thinking that spending evenings alone with her is inappropriate from now on, now that they have the opportunity to get lunch together? I would really appreciate any advice or thoughts you guys have on my situation. It's so hard feeling so alone. :'(

Ask the community | trust, someone else, flirting

Affairs: a psychologist's perspective

This article was written by Prof Janet Reibstein, (co-author of Sexual Arrangements: Marriage and Affairs). The views expressed in this article are not necessarily shared by Click or OnePlusOne. Twenty years ago, I began an interview study of couples in which one person (at least) was having or had had an affair. As a new parent, I could not fathom how contemporaries of mine had the inclination or energy, never mind the time, to conduct one. Yet affairs, even among new parents, were happening and some of these couples presented themselves to my consulting room. The discovery of an affair at any stage of the relationship is still a chief reason couples come into therapy. I found, and so have others who bravely try to research this most difficult area (how do you study people’s secrets, for that’s what most are?), that people usually have affairs because they feel disappointed by marriage and are estranged in some way from the person they wanted to love and honour. They’d lost their way in love. Affairs struck me as primarily a symptom of people’s inadequacy in negotiating the changes of married life. How do affairs start? The arrival of children, work taking one or both away into different worlds, not managing disagreements and conflicts and resentment building in consequence, all contribute. Or all of these combined can lead to the start of an affair. The upshot of not catching things early is feeling misunderstood, neglected, unappreciated, unloved, or undesired. Drift sets in. With it goes hope and effort. Attention wanders. And couples find renewal arises away from home. Affairs can begin – and sometimes remain, a remedy for what particular light has gone out: just about sex, just about fun, just about talking and feeling understood. But sometimes they grow and become about love—the most dangerous kind for marriage (this applies even to ‘open marriages’). However, it’s possible, as research has shown that sometimes those affairs that stay limited and those that stay secret do not actually disturb the stability or commitment to the marriage (and the children in them), even if they might disturb the person having one. Dealing with the consequences But once an affair – except those tiny few ‘open marriages’ – becomes discovered or revealed, all marriages will suffer. This is related to how we understand marriage. We’re supposed to marry our best friends. We’re meant to be ‘intimate’ - to share innermost thoughts, private joys and troubles, ideas and pleasures. Thus, an act of intense intimacy and pleasure shared with someone other than our partner is like a dagger thrust first and then – the final betrayal- if kept secret from your ‘best friend’, repeatedly, is continual knifing at the heart of modern-day, best-friend-and-lover partnerships. Sometimes there’s a happy ending – sometimes not. But, as with all deep wounds, sometimes not. This marital drama’s been replayed over and over again in all my years in clinical practice. First I manage the wounds, and then return to the marriage: where, when, why the lights went out, before the wandering began.

User article | cheating, trust

“Caught my partner watching porn”

I don't know what hurt me the most. The fact i thought i knew him and thought he wasn't like that, the fact he KNOWS i don't like it and I've told him it would really hurt me or the fact he told me not to come round and pick him up and instead he'd wait for the car and meet me at mine in an hour (well now i no why he didn't want me to turn up!) Walking in on him last week really shocked me. His face when he slammed his laptop down and ran to the door and almost stopped me from coming in was weird!! And I am SUCH a fool! Immediately I thought porn but even though he had no pants on I still reminded myself not to assume as ironically its our 1 year anniversary next week and I thought he may be booking something. Ha!! Anyway, I asked him if it was good (i was actually only joking as i didn't see the toilet roll until after I'd asked it) and he said no not really and I nearly broke down in tears. Anyhow long story short I stormed out and drove home with my phone in my bag assuming he'd be ringing or texting asking why I left but NOTHING. It took me 20-25 minutes to get home and then when he did text he had a go at me!!! So when I phoned him (really upset and shouting) he initially said he did it for me. Later when he admitted he didn't know why he did it I then got him to admit that actually he was lying about "doing it for me". He claims he cant remember me telling him how much it would hurt me and says its the first time he's ever done it. However i'm finding it hard to believe that its such a coincidence that the first time he does it since being with me is the time i walk in on him doing it. I don't know what to do. Its our anniversary on Friday and I've only just started being able to put my arms round him n let him get close in bed and kissing and this happened last Wednesday! We have good sex n he does very nice things for me but the fact he obviously doesn't listen to me or care about my feelings means I'm struggling to get over it. How can I trust he wont do it again?? Please help!

Ask the community | pornography, trust

“My wife is texting other men”

This is my first post, and I'm writing it after having just confronted my wife over messages on her phone. About 2 months ago, I start having suspicions over the amount of texts she was getting, so rightly or wrongly I managed to get her phone (which she normally guards like a monkey with nuts). I quick skim through her messages showed me that my older brothers best friend had been texting her with some really dodgy stuff. With this information, I entered my wife facebook page, and found even more messages in her trash that she obviously thought she had got rid off. I confronted the problem then, telling her to stop talking to him. For a while it seemed to be ok, then it started again last week. I walked in to the study to find her click off of a conversation on facebook she was having with someone.. i deliberately hung around till the reply pooped up on her screen, and guess who... its that fella again!!.. this time it didnt seem to be rude though. I asked her why she was talking to him again, to which I got accused of being a control freak and not letting her talk to anyone. That night I took myself downstairs to sleep on the sofa, next morning a gave her another clean slate and said nothing of it. However the issue must be on my mind, because as soon as she left her phone unguarded i checked again. Probably the wrong thing to do, but there were no sexually explicit texts this time thatI saw, just a few with some strong sexual references, suggesting sex on the beach.. and asking her if she was all wet?! (sorry if that offends anyone). I confronted it again, once again being accused of being a control freak.. and being told I should leave. However as soon as I suggested that I would seek custody for our son, stating he deserved better than a woman that would do this to her family it all changed... she wanted relationship counselling etc. What do I do? Just so you know the background, My wife was in a previous relationship, and had 3 children. She found out he was having an affair with a man at work and so they seperated, however I have heard part conversations of other versions, stating actually my wife was sleeping with his brother (yet again more secrecy). At 21 years old I took on the role of dad to these 3 boys that I now see as my own, however I know legally I have no standing. But Joseph is mine, after a very late miscarriage two christmases ago, where we lost a daughter at 7 months, we were lucky to conceive Joseph... and he is a little star.. his first word is Dada... and to be honest is probably the reason I've stuck around.

User article | cheating, trust

“My boyfriend thinks I'm hiding things”

I am at my wits end about an ongoing issue between myself and my boyfriend of 12 years. We haven't had the smoothest of relationships and have split numerous times over the years always instigated by him, always for the same issue. He has told me he doesn't trust me in the past because he says I hide things from him that have happened. Or I have lied about where I am going. Both things I disagree with but he shouts at me that much I end up agreeing and doubting myself. The latest incident was about three weeks ago I returned from a work trip and we were browsing through holidays. He took my phone from me and said I want to look on your facebook. I was shocked at his sudden demand and got angry that he was invading my privacy. He said he knew I had been messaging someone and accused me of turning up to his house a couple of weeks before with a love bite on my face (which was eyelash tint). He then asked me who had been sending me horse racing tips on twitter and I couldn't think what he was talking about until afterwards (channel 4 tipster that tweets, doesn't send me messages). He looked through my Facebook messages, twitter messages, text messages, questioned me about numbers and my internet history. When he was doing this I was getting angry and shouting at him. I panicked when he checked my internet history because I had looked at someone's twitter account the night before from my past (male). He asked me who the person was and I lied because, when I once searched for a friend he ended things with me. I should have told the truth immediately I realise that because I wasn't doing anything wrong, but my past experience with him scared me. I thought he would leave me again. After I had shouted at him to get out and told him I needed to sleep I texted him because I didn't want to sleep on an argument. He was continuing to say I was hiding something and I owned up to who the person was. He said there was more I was hiding and he called me all sorts of names. Since this I have proceeded to tell him that I wasn't hiding anything else and he still disbelieves me. We did meet up to talk a couple of days after and he said he didn't know what he wanted to do. We decided to go away from each other and meet again. When we did he told me he had kissed another girl a week after the incident and maybe more and has kept in contact with her. I felt cheated and he said we had already ended. He is now also claiming that the last time we split up I gave my phone number to someone he knew but didn't tell him when we started contact again. He claims I told him I had only chatted to him online. I don't remember saying this as it was a year and a half ago but don't think I would have lied about it. He first said I hadn't come to him and told him I had been chatting to this person and he had to ask me about it and said I wasn't open enough with him. I was then able to remember that he asked me during the first time we spoke so how could I have told him any sooner. He also says I lied about the place someone lived that I dated because one minute he said I told him it was one then a different. I also disagree with this and can only think I may have been talking about different people. I have told him I believe he has issues as I don't see the relevance of whether I chatted online or through text to someone, whether someone was from one or the other place and really he has no right to ask me about anything from when we were apart and not in contact as he had made the decision to end us. He says I have an issue telling the truth and will even be willing to come and explain it to a counsellor for me because I obviously don't know I am doing it. Am I in the wrong? I am losing my mind.

Ask the community | trust

“My wife keeps texting her co-worker”

My wife recently took a new job. I will start off by saying she is very honest, loyal and has a history of being good friends with other men as well as women. I have never doubted her loyalty to me and continue to believe that she will be faithful. In addition, to be fair, I can be jealous at times (she never gets jealous) and have had moments of making something out of nothing on occasion. In her new job, she immediately became friends with a male co-worker who I know is mid-40s (she is 31). She insists it's nothing more than a friendship and that is her intention which is all that matters. They did end up out together one night for drinks after a few co-workers left and then a few days later he bought her an expensive bottle of wine which she told me about. I attempted to blow this off trusting my wife. The issue came up when I discovered texts from this man over the course of an evening until after midnight, including songs and videos he was sending her and a 30-minute phone conversation while I was out that evening. I then looked at her computer (I know I shouldn't have) and found that they were instant messaging each other all day at work. Nothing inappropriate but it wasn't all focused on work either. I confronted her after seeing this occur over several weeks - she insisted nothing was going on, he apologized the day after he texted and called her at night and that she had no bad intentions. Since then I assume they instant message each other during work and recently was at home and saw him text her at 10pm. I asked why he was texting her and she got pissed saying i didn't trust her. I trust my wife but I don't trust this other individual that I know sits next to her and works with her every day. She asked me what I want her to do - the problem is I want her to figure it out herself that she shouldn't respond to him after a certain time period. Am I wrong? I hate fighting with my wife and we see this very differently but I don't think I am wrong.

User article | trust, someone else

“My girlfriend completely shuts down”

My girlfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years or so now. Things are very serious, and I definitely see myself marrying her someday. We love each other a lot and we barely fight. When we do, it's usually short-lived and we don't leave mad at each other. But on occasion, we do get into bigger fights. Today, we fought big time for the first time in a while. I explained to her why I was upset and annoyed with a particular situation. I told her why I was frustrated and exactly what I was frustrated about. She completely shut down, but was clearly upset. I kept trying to ask her what was wrong and why she was upset, but she continued to shut down. I kept trying to guess what was wrong, but I was so frustrated that I left after about 30-45 minutes of me begging her to talk to me and her literally saying nothing, but occasionally shrugging her shoulders. I didn't know how to fix the situation if she wasn't willing to talk. After I got home, she texted me a picture of some post that she saw online that explained her emotions exactly. It said: "I completely shut down when I'm upset and it is upsetting my partner. I won't talk or move I just kind of stare off into space and I am generally unresponsive. This is how my outside reacts. On the inside I am screaming at myself to move or do something but it is like my body just won't react. I want to talk to him about why I'm upset but it's like my body won't let me. He gets so mad when I won't respond but he just won't understand that I can't. I'm just so afraid that this could end our relationship and I don't want that to happen. I want to fix this." How can I work with her so we can both get what we want? Every time we fight, she will shut down because she is upset. I have no idea why she is upset and I can't help her. I'm forced to guess what is wrong and what is upsetting her, and usually I'm incorrect. I can't fix the original fight unless I know why she got upset, but she can't talk about it. How can I get her to express her concerns while being mindful of the fact that her body shuts down and won't let her talk to me when she's upset. Thanks.

Ask the community | communication, arguments

Eight tips to communicate with your ex

Article | parenting apart, co-parenting, communication

“He never wants to be intimate”

Hello everyone, I've been needing to get something off my chest for a long time now. It's something very personal and I can't bring myself to talk to anyone in my social circle or family, because I feel very embarrassed, neglected and as if something is wrong with me. I've been seeing my partner for about 10 months now. For context, I haven't had very many sexual partners as I've always been in committed relationships since my teens (and am now 24). My partner (28) on the other hand has had many sexual partners and has never been in a committed relationship before me, and would, I quote, "pump and dump". So a very big player who would just fuck around, pardon my language. At the beginning of the relationship, physically everything was great, we were both very into each other and would be intimate almost every time we saw each other. However, after four or five months of being together, the physical intimacy became much more scarce. He would never initiate, or say he was tired. I was the one always initiating and trying to be intimate, and they would just make up an excuse or laugh it off like a joke. I would try everything, wearing sexy lingerie while walking around the apartment, joining them in the shower, walking and lying around naked... And they would just either ignore it or react as if I was making a joke. And now it's gotten to a point where I'm too worried about rejection to even try anymore, and it's such a horrible feeling knowing that if I don't try, they'll never even bother to initiate (which is the sad reality). It's just feels so humiliating, that the person that's meant to love me and be attracted to me doesn't even want to touch me. He talks long term goals, including marriage, potentially having kids and buying property together, so I know he's not cheating on me and is very much attracted to me still. I am considered by societies standards as conventionally attractive, and receive a lot of attention from the opposite sex. But I don't get any from the person I love, and it makes me feel as if I'm disgusting or something is wrong with me. I feel so ashamed and humiliated, and am so worried because we're not even a year into our relationship and we're already having intimacy issues, and we're both a young couple who should theoretically be in their prime physically. There are also issues when we are intimate. I only climax from oral, not from penetrative sex. He said when we first started seeing each other, that he was a "selfless lover" and couldn't selfish if he wanted to be, because he got off on his partner getting off. And he couldn't get me to climax through regular sex, and I did tell them I could only climax through oral, and then he just gave up. He doesn't even try. In the 10 months we've been together, I can count the number of times he's gone down on me on one hand. And he always says how he "loves" how I taste and makes these remarks like "I can't wait for dessert" or something along those lines, but then never actually does it. So it makes me feel so dejected and as if I'm dirty and disgusting. I'm at a point where I don't know what to do anymore, I feel as though I've given up. Even going to bed, he doesn't cuddle and normally comes to bed after I've already fallen asleep.so I just end up crying myself to sleep. I don't know what to do anymore, I just feel so alone and dejected.

Ask the community | sex, communication, sexless

Improving your emotional intelligence

Article | communication, mental health

“Why was my wife upset?”

Last night, coming home from a day out (around 11.00pm) my wife and I had to take a bus that didn't take us all the way home. So we jumped off the bus, phoned a private hire and waited for it to arrive. To be honest it was only a 10-15 minute walk to the house, so we were being a bit lazy. Anyway my wife gets fed up and starts to walk up the road. As I didn't want to walk I waited for the taxi with the intention of picking her up as there is only one way home. I got in the taxi and as I was about to call my wife she called me shouting down the phone that I'd let her walk up the road on her own, I asked where she was and doubled back, eventually I saw her and get the driver to stop. She went ballistic! shouting and screaming at me for being a bastard as I let her walk on her own, then she started shouting at the taxi driver calling him all the names under the sun as well. I asked her to get in the taxi and she told me, and the driver, to "fuck off!". which I did. I apologised to the driver, I then went to out local and had a pint to allow her to get home and go to bed. Now I'm as mindful of women walking about on their own as he next person, but I think she completely over reacted and I especially was not at all happy at her shouting at the taxi driver. Shes now not talking to me, and I expect this to go on for days. The thing is am I in the wrong here? Was she right, should I have walked up the road instead of waiting to get the taxi to pick her up? If I'm out of line here I'll apologise but I don't think it was appropriate for her to scream and shout at me, and a total stranger... am I wrong?

User article | communication, arguments

“Court order issues”

Hi, I've never done this before and it it's my first time ever posting but i needed some advice. Me and my sons dad split when he was 3 months old and hes now 11 years old. We went to court over my son when he was 11months old and court orders were put in place. These were changed in 2010 and they are now for me to have my son unsupervised overnight one week and thursday til sunday the other week. Recently me and my new partner who i have been with for 2 and a half years had an arguement where he hit me, it wasnt expected and hes never done anything like this before but due to underlying issues at the time it did happen. It was reported to the police and we have since resolved this issue ourselves. Since the incident happened someone made a call to social services stating i threatened to self harm and overdose while i have my son. I do have mental health problems but my psychiatrist has been asking about finishing my outpatient care as he feels that now i have been off my medication and stable for 3years i no longer need the help i once did. Obviously the call to social services was a lie, they rang my sons dad to tell him of the complaint. He told me about the call and what was said. He has said about my partner being around our son. Now my partner would never harm my son or do anything that would cause him harm as he loves him like his own children. My sons dad has told me that should my partner come back he will stop my son coming down to my home. I know he will be in breach of the court orders as they state he is to be made available to me on the days stated. What can i do regarding this as i do not want to lose contact with my son over someones lies to social services.

User article | communication, arguments, physical abuse

“Affair with best friend at work”

My best friend at work recently confessed that he was attracted to me and wanted to be with me physically. He is in a LTR and I am married. He told me he had been feeling that way for over a year and that he liked me a lot. He said he knew the feeling was mutual and the sexual tension between us was off the charts. I agreed that I was always attracted to him but I felt safe flirting with him because I'm married and he's 9 years younger than me. He was always honest with me about cheating on all his girlfriends. He said this is the longest relationship he's been in that he hasn't cheated yet. He hates commitment. He always said he doesn't want to get married because he can't imagine being with one person for the rest of his life. I told him this was crazy and it could ruin our lives and our friendship. He kept trying to convince me it would just be two friends having fun and it doesn't have to mean anything. I said I should be honest and say that at home everything is good. I really do love my husband and family and we don't really have an major issues. Two days after this conversation this guy kissed me. Not just a quick innocent kiss. He came up to me, held my face and looked in my eyes and kissed me very passionately. It was extremely intense. I stopped him and told him I needed a minute and he just held me tight and said "I've wanted to do that for so long" then we kissed some more. After that things got hot and heavy. Lots of sexting and some more make out sessions. Then we had sex. It was an amazing night. Without going into details we clearly both enjoyed it. He begged me to stay the night and I did. We had sex in the morning again. The next few weeks we talked a bit about it and if it was going to happen again but he started to get distant. I confronted him and he finally told me he felt guilty about cheating and that has never happened to him before. He said he wasn't over this whole thing he just needed time. So I tried to give him space. Then a few times just to see where his head was at I asked him if he wanted to hook up and he just said maybe but nothing happened. So I confronted him one more time and asked him flat out if all of it was just a game to sleep with me. He said absolutely not, he said he just felt guilty and he was still trying to process it. But then he tells me not to worry cause it's definitely happening again. Well after a few weeks I hadn't been sleeping right and tired of wondering what was going on I decided I needed it to be over. I told him I thought we should both agree that we lost our minds for a few weeks and we should just be friends. I said I need him more as my friend than I need to have sex with him. He agreed and that's where I left it. Things have been ok at work but now I find my self wondering what the whole point of this was. If he was ever really my friend why would he want me to risk everything just for sex? He's a good looking guy and I'm not really the type of girl people are making moves on. I'm cute at best but I'm not hot. Part of me thinks he had feelings for me and being with me scared him and part of me thinks he really just needed something to chase to get out of a rut with his girlfriend. I just hate not having answers. Does anyone have insight into this kind of thing?

User article | cheating, trust, sex