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Dealing with jealousy when it first starts
Article
What am I up against?

Jealousy is renowned for its negative power. Everyone has felt it swell up inside them at some point or another, and although short bursts of it can remind you how much you care for someone, prolonged jealousy can be harmful to a relationship.

How it manifests and how it’s triggered will vary from person to person. But one research study has found that, generally speaking, the triggers between men and women are profoundly different.

“Young men on average fear their partner having sex with someone else, whereas young women on average fear their partner falling in love with someone else". (Groothof, Dijkstra, & Barelds, 2009)
How do I deal with it?
Trust is slowly earned and quickly broken

If you’re feeling a lack of trust between you and your partner at the start of the relationship, it may just be that trust still needs time to be established. If one or both of you have been hurt in previous relationships, it may take longer still. Being in a relationship is risky for anyone– everyone is quite aware they can get hurt even if they’ve not been hurt before.

If you’re dealing with past betrayals, it’s easy to get stuck with memories of what went wrong. A partner can assist with this healing process, but it shouldn’t become their responsibility to ‘fix’ the other person.

When jealousy triggers control, take caution

When you enter into new relationships with past betrayals inflicted by ex-partners, there are a few ways you can play it. You may choose to tell your partner about your previous betrayal, and allow them to earn your trust while working it through with honesty and sensitivity. Of course, it’s possible to have a balanced relationship without mentioning the past betrayal, as long as you treat your partner with respect.

Where the jealousy gremlin does the most damage is when you seek to control the other person, to appease your uneasy feelings. Be very wary of exhibiting controlling behaviour.

Be mindful of online social networks

Social networks like Facebook can crack open a window into what you’re doing, who you’re flirting with, and even where you are.  One study (Muise et al, 2009) argues that the wealth of information about our partners can contribute to an increase of jealousy. Research also shows that women are more likely than men to monitor their partners’ profiles. 

If you think you're detecting flirtation on your partner's activity, stop and give yourself a minute. Come off the social network, clear your head (maybe make a cup of tea or something), and return to it. If you still think there's a lot of flirtation going on, ask a friend who is neutral and doesn't revel in drama to give you an outsider’s perspective. You might find that you’re overreacting to something quite harmless. Text is easy to misread.

Equally, if you think your own social network activity might trigger jealousy in your new partner, just be mindful of how your interactions and statuses may appear. You may well be perfectly innocent but there’s no harm in being considerate and thinking about how your words and pictures may come across to others.

Keep an open and honest dialogue

Talking to each other about what bothers you and giving each other a chance to respond can be hugely helpful for both sides. It’s useful to talk about things you have noticed and don’t like, rather than allowing a catalogue of complaints to build up in the back of your minds.

Also, remember to talk about what boundaries you would like to have in place. Being clear about what you do and don’t find acceptable lets your partner make an informed choice about how they behave and how it might affect you.

Accept what you cannot control

Although it's not easy, it’s possible to ease jealousy by simply accepting that it’s not your job to control someone else’s behaviour. Your partner will make friends both online and offline, they will likely have drinks with colleagues and share jokes with attractive people from time to time. This is where trust comes in. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt, in the same way you hope they will do for you.    

Remember that jealousy isn’t pretty

Another problem with jealousy is that it’s rarely attractive. You wouldn’t write a dating profile that says: “I go to the gym three times a week and I’m the jealous type”. Jealousy tends to come hand-in-hand with neediness, insecurity, and emotional baggage.  While some reports say jealousy can make for more intimate and passionate sexual encounters, there’s little evidence to suggest that it’s helpful for maintaining a healthy long-term relationship.

If your partner is struggling with jealousy, turn your attention to supporting them and building up that trust.

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Lots of people in relationships feel jealous from time to time, but it’s important not to let it get out of control. It's also important to recognise that your own insecurities might be playing a part. Here's our best quick-fire tips to help you manage jealousy and work towards a healthier, happier relationship. Recognise your good points Make a list of all the things you like and respect about yourself. In moments of insecurity, this can help to remind you why your partner loves you. Of course, the love from your partner and your own sense of self worth should go beyond a list of character qualities, but it's a good start.  Improve your self-esteem independently of your partner Try to spend time doing something you enjoy that makes you feel good about yourself. Consider taking up a new exercise or joining a class.  Think about how your situation appears to an outsider You may be able to rationalise jealousy in your own head, but think about what other people might think if they were to see your outbursts. Seeing yourself from someone else’s point of view can help you stay calm and in control. Take responsibility for your jealousy If your jealousy comes from your own insecurities rather than your partner’s actions, try to recognise and accept that this is the cause. In time, it could help you overcome the negative emotions. Change your attitude Healthy couples have separate interests. Try not to get jealous if your partner decides to spend an evening with friends. Make your own plans and look forward to having more to talk about when you’re next together. Create balance If your social life revolves around your partner, you might feel left out when they want to do their own thing. Take some pressure off your relationship by developing your own interests, catching up with old friends, and carving out some independence. Learn from past behaviour If jealousy has caused issues in your previous relationships, try learn from experience to make positive changes in your current relationship. Don’t make the same mistakes twice. Share your feelings This one might sound a little bit fluffy, but it's essential. Try to make your partner an ally in battling your jealous feelings. Be open when you’re feeling jealous and ask for your partner’s support. Explain that you know the feelings may not be rational, but that a little reassurance from them can help you let go and move on.
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I've been seeing a guy for over six years now... we met on a dating site. At the beginning he told me he had a friend who is female. I didn't think anything of it. I didn't see a lot of him because of his job. He works shifts and it clashed with my work on occasions. After seeing him for three months, he went on holiday with his female friend. He told me it was booked for a while, again I was OK with it. When I asked to meet this friend he always made excuses, he also invited her to family do's and not me but again made excuses that she was a family friend. After one year passed we had our fair share of arguments about this friend, he again went away with her to the same place they went year before. I contacted her on fb to see what her relationship was with him... expecting her to say they were friends. She wanted to know who I was, had I met his family! She saw herself as his partner. After another argument he denied they were a couple, he maintained they were friends. Oh, I found out they slept in the same bed when they go away but nothing happens, and I've asked her that and she has said they don't do anything but sleep. Over the years, he's continued to go away with her. When we argue he books to go away with her then blames me. She had to sell her house about four years ago and she moved in with this guy I'm seeing... I've been over and she has her own bedroom. I don't go over much, very rarely, he comes over to me more. I've met his family and recently went away for five days to his brother's with him. He's a fab guy when he's with me and we get on so well... but when he goes home it changes and he says it doesn't, it's me! Last year I'd had enough. I finished it completely and met someone else. He was devastated and pleaded with me to go back and he'd change even promised me we'd get engaged... I finished it with the other guy and went back... He went back on his word and all the promises he made. I even found out he'd been on two dating sites. He says he loves me and I believe he does. He went through a bad divorce, his wife left him for someone else, and he says he finds it hard to trust... I love him but I just can't cope with his lies. I don't know what he's up to when I don't see him, and with his work that can be 21 days before i see him. Anyone got advice please?
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This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My husband is in his late 20s and is terrible with money. He has never been GREAT but now it’s awful. We have never shared a bank account until a few months ago before we bought a house. After that, I caught him taking money from my savings acct when he made well enough to pay his bills AND have spending money. Lately, he hasn’t been paying any bills besides $150, but still has no money. He has a part time job after getting laid off, and has no drive to get a full time job. I work full time and I’m sick of paying all the bills by myself. I watch him do fun stuff with his friends while I work, come home, wait to go back to work. He doesn’t contribute to chores. He spends every second he can with his friends. I’m also concerned he has a drinking problem since for awhile he was at the bar or knocking back a 6pack every night. He’s “tried to quit” drinking several times and it only lasts a month. He’s also gained 75 pounds (majority from drinking). Two months ago, his car was repossessed after he said he’d “been making payments”. Now we owe his parents money and I found out a few days ago he has a $2k credit card bill I had no idea about. We just got our tax returns back and he thinks he’s entitled to my half and his half. AND he overdrew his bank account, causing them to take the money from my account. So, for the 2nd week in a row I have no money to pay bills or buy groceries! I have bailed him out with money several times. When his license was suspended and we had court costs....fixing things on his car that he “didn’t have money for”.....money for a down payment for the car..... I don’t believe I’m responsible for the debt he has accrued. I feel as if the tables were turned he wouldn’t be offering any help to me. I feel maybe if he had to dig himself out of debt he will finally learn a lesson. I love the man he used to be, and I really want to make our marriage work but I’m so frustrated. I feel as if I’m ready to settle and have children and he still wants to act like a child. To make matters worse, his mother is always trying to give me advice on “how to be a better wife”. I’ve tried nagging him, gently and encouragingly talking to him, and praying and nothing has helped. I feel like a failure and it’s put me into a depression. I’ve considered temporary seperation, but it breaks my heart to even think about that. Please give me any advice. I feel like it’s a losing battle :(
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Learn to argue better
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Poor arguing: “You want to be with someone else, just say it”. “So what you’re saying is, you don’t trust me”. “Well you’re such a flirt, and you flirt with other people, so what else do I have to go on?” A better way: “I’m feeling quite insecure at the moment, and I’m afraid that you want to be with someone else“. “Is it something I’m doing to make you feel that way?” “There are a couple of things. I might be just being sensitive, but it looks like you’re behaving in a flirty way with other people.” Pro tip: When you talk, start with “I” rather than “You”.  So instead of “You never help out with chores”, say “I’d really like some more help around the house, I feel like I’m on my own with it”. It’s the same point, but one feels like an attack, and the other feels like a request and the expression of feelings. Pro tip: Try not to assume what your partner is thinking (or worse, TELL them what they’re thinking). By starting everything with “I”, you’re less likely to do that. 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I have been with my partner for five years now and he has always been a bit of a flirt. It's not normally something that bothered as its usually just harmless. However I have been very low for a while now and have lost most of my sex drive. I have found out that he has been going for drinks with a lady that works in a shop a few doors down from his workplace. I have pulled him up on the fact that he had not told me about it and he told me they are just friends. Not proud of myself for this but I went on his phone and there are so many messages between them. A lot of them are quite sexual with him saying he want's to take her to bed even though she is getting married soon. Again I had pulled him up on this a while ago and said i wasn't comfortable with the contents of the messaging and wanted him to stop. It's carried on. I don't really know what to do.
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I’m young - 18 - and I quite frankly have no idea what I’m doing. At all. But I have a few questions and none of my friends can help, so I’m wondering if any of you might have something to say. My girlfriend appears a bit jealous. I know the reasons why - a lot of her friends have betrayed her before - but the damage done is quite deep and though I try to be supportive...
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I didn't want to talk about this with any of my friends and I am looking for an unbiased opinion. My boyfriend and I have been properly together for almost 7 months now and we've had our ups and downs. For this period of time we've been through so much together... through his mum being diagnosed with cancer in the very beginning of our relationship, through my personal problems involving my mum and my past, my emotional instability at some point and others. he's been by my side and I've also been there for him in every way I can. He's almost left a couple of times, but he just couldn't because he loved me too much. The truth is that we argue often, but for silly things and we always find a way to fix it. Sometimes, I feel so broken in comparison to him and other people I know. I've had a pretty emotional and rocky childhood because of my parents' separation and loads of issues concerning that, and also heartbreaks, falling out with friends,etc. At the age of 20 now I find myself so scared of loving someone, but at the same time so willing to love. I just wish I could love and let go of that fear that people always leave and that feeling that I'm never going to be good enough, because I can see how it ruins my relationships with people, not just my boyfriend, but my family and friends. I am a really nice person with a good heart, real fun and people just love to be around me. But then when they get close to me I can feel that I become this baggage for them. I am too emotional. It's so hard to fit everything I need to say to describe myself and my life at this one post. So, let's just get to the point. I am so scared of loosing my boyfriend. A few days ago he told me he didn't feel the same about me. But he explained that it's not that he loves me any less, but he gave an example: at night when we go to bed, before he'd just want to have sex with me, but now if he is too tired he'd go to sleep. I told him that's absolutely normal. After a few months of being together, especially when we've lived together for like more than half of that time, it's completely normal not to have sex every day. He also told me we spend way too much time together and he needs some time on his own to do his own things and he wanted to sleep at his room in his student halls for one night and I took this pretty badly , but still went through with it because of him. The next day when he came back to mine I was upset. I didn't like spending the night away from him. But he was so sweet. He said he missed me that night and he didn't want to spend any more nights away from me, but he just needed to do this to see how he feels. During the summer, he went back home, but he was with me every weekend and we had a lot of sex for those two days. And after he came back here for uni, we kept on having a lot of sex in the beginning and then the amount of sex we have gradually decreased. Is that okay? Does it mean that he doesn't want me anymore? Am I right to think it's normal or should I be worried about it? That's one thing that worries me. We are so good together, I can feel it. We dream of being together forever and love each other unconditionally. But we often end up arguing for really silly things such as my ridiculous jealousy (he hasn't given me any reasons to be jealous, but I am insanely jealous and insecure and I don't know how to deal with it. I apologize for being so jealous, but I think it's worse for me than for him. It just kills me inside. I'd appreciate some advice on how to deal with this as well.) or even things more stupid than that. I am actually ashamed of sharing them with you. Thank you for reading this! I am looking forward to some fresh piece of advice! Xxxxx
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Move on from friendship
I have this best friend and we have a bit of history, even though we have feelings for each other, we never officially dated as there’s no future! We continued to be best friends, where we do almost everything together. Whenever any guy shows interest in me, my best friend used to get upset even though I would not be 1% interested in any of them. On the other hand, there have been women casually flirting with him which I never minded because he would never reciprocate the same interest. Now moving on to current situation, I have this new friend of mine who needed some help so I got my best friend involved and all three started figuring things out for her issues! And both of us were so worried for her that we were always talking about her and how to solve her issue! Suddenly, this new girl has stopped telling me about her problems and directly started reaching out to my friend! First I thought it’s normal but then I felt weird vibe and saw many texts b/w them which seems to be little flirtatious, they were up texting till past midnight, which is very unusual for my best friend. I got upset and asked my friend about it he told it’s nothing! When I told him that even if there is something building it would be okay as it would be selfish of me to think that he would not be interested in anyone, I just wanted to him to be honest as he had not shown interest in anyone since I met him. Then he agreed that there’s an obvious interest from both the end since they are lot similar. And if anything would have to happen he would let me know!  I don’t know how to feel about the whole thing! The new girl has completely sidelined me from a lot of the conversations, even though my best friend tries to involve me, he still thinks that there’s is nothing going on between them and it won’t be anything also in future! I don’t know, I have this weird feeling that what I am thinking is correct! I am upset due to this whole equation but don’t want to show to either one of them.
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This is going to sound trivial to most but with my current mindset it is a big deal to me because I feel like the past 20 years of my life has been a lie, it’s difficult to explain but I’ll try. I’m aware that I’m very insecure, paranoid and jealous but these problems are justified, at least to me. Also, I’m new here and I’ve never told anybody any of this before. It will sound quite simple and trivial but it has affected me in many ways, especially recently. I will try to explain clearly but I know I’m bound to ramble so I’m sorry beforehand. Also, if you’re taking the time to read this then thank you in advance. 20 years ago I met my now Wife. Mainly through nightclubbing and seeing her out a few times. She invited me out for the week of her 18th Birthday and by the second night I asked her out, she said yes. I was 19. She was a virgin, I was not, but I wasn’t greatly experienced in comparison, I had just had a couple of drunken, meaningless one night stands. Fast forward 2 weeks and we have already told each other we loved each other. The chemistry felt amazing, it was like we had known each other for years, we made each other laugh hysterically and there was never an awkward silence during conversations, it just felt very natural and unforced. So, at the 2 week mark we have sex together for the first time. She says she loves me and I’m gorgeous and the best thing that ever happened to her, all that stuff. Obviously I’m over the moon because I’m not at all gorgeous but feel really happy she sees me that way. She, by the way, is genuinely beautiful. Anyway, 2 weeks after our first time we are having sex again and near the end she closes her eyes for about 10-15 seconds and then she says the name Paul. That is not my name. She instantly opened her eyes and just kept saying sorry whilst covering my face in kisses. I went home more or less immediately, feeling sad and confused. She said after she hadn’t said anything and being young and stupid I just never bothered discussing it with her. Fast forward 20 years, we are married with kids. I have never cheated on her in anyway and she has never really cheated on me. So, 4 months ago I ask her a pretty innocent, unrelated question and she says “apart from that one time you know about, never”. (I forget to add earlier that I found out after she said his name that he was a guy she went to school with and basically had fancied him very much on and off from about 13-18. She liked him so much she would become jealous if she saw him in a nightclub talking to another girl, and one time she even told me she was kissing some guy and was pretending she was kissing Paul the entire time. At one point just about a month or 2 before we met they both went to a mutual friends birthday bash in a pub and my girlfriend was told that he liked her and would say yes if she asked him out. She said to me just last week that she would of said yes as well, so even in hindsight she would say yes). Getting back to the present, I was shocked because she had just assumed I knew and that she must of admitted to saying his name at some point, but she never did. This opened up a whole can of worms for me and lots of questions. I found out she had seen him in a nightclub the night before in question. She spent 2 months saying they just spoke as part of a group, but later admitted after that they went to the bar together and he brought her a drink and they chatted for 10 minutes. Just about what they had been up to since school, have you seen so and so, all that stuff. She said she thought he was good looking but didn’t fancy him. Pretty harmless, but the next day she was thinking about what they had been talking about (bear in mind that they had never dated, kissed or anything, and it still feels like she was obsessing over him), and she said some memories of old feelings came back when she was thinking about him the next day. She remembered how much she used to like him. She said she remembered how nice and blue his eyes were and how they would go all bright when he smiled, and that he had a great smile. That’s a bit of a red flag, how could it be that she didn’t still fancy him, just like she always had. I feel like that she fancied him the whole time but hadn’t seen him in 2 months so had simply put him to the back of her mind and forgot, because despite the fact that she claimed to have loved me and I was great, all it took was one little reminder. Everything I googled on the subject says it’s quite common to say an exes name in bed accidentally even if you weren’t thinking about them, it’s just ‘mis-naming’, but like I said earlier they had never even dated or kissed, let alone slept together. I know for a fact she was a virgin when we met and I’m I’m the only person she has ever been with. I know it sounds unlikely in this day and age but I know it’s true. That’s the one part of all this that there’s not a shadow of doubt in my mind. So that evening I went round to her house, we put on a movie, kissed, all that normal teenage stuff. She said she only though about him for a few seconds that morning, his face or whatever, but she spent about 5 minutes thinking about what they had been talking about, old friends, school, etc. That evening we went to bed and that’s the day she said his name. I ask her “what were you thinking about specifically”, she said “just him standing at the bar from the night before smiling and laughing” and I said “so not even a sexual thought? You fancy him that much that even stood at a bar is arousing enough for you?” She then replied, “it wasn’t arousing, what you were doing to me was turning me on, I’ve never thought about him like that”, so I’m pretty confused at this point in the conversation and I said “but the thought is the feeling, if that’s what’s in your head and what you’re thinking about then it’s irrelevant who’s really in bed with you because you’re linking that to the image” she said “no, it wasn’t like that. I didn’t even fancy him. When you went home that day I thought why the hell did I do that because I didn’t even like him” I said “but you said his name. Thinking of him was obviously an upgrade for you. People don’t think about things during sex that they don’t like, especially to the point where they say the persons name, you obviously enjoyed the thought at the time, even if you didn’t after” she said, “I was just seeing his face and smile and eyes”. So the things she had been thinking about that morning. Little side note, she has never said my name during sex in 20 years, she has said all the pet names like baby and all that but to me a name is much more intimate and personal. She said that’s because he was always just Paul to her, but I was baby, etc, etc. I said “you liked him so much that all it took was seeing him for 10 minutes in a club for you to think about him whilst I was having sex with you. He didn’t even have to be in the room, 10 seconds of thinking of his face is enough to turn you on to the point where you say his name, we have been having sex for 20 years, I know her orgasms are genuine (I don’t mean to sound rude) but yet here I am , the real thing, for 20 years, and she doesn’t even say my name once. Am I just grossly overthinking it? How can she say she didn’t fancy him? I don’t know why this is affecting me so much. I’m not sleeping, I’m having dark thoughts, I feel jealous, I feel heartbroken. I’ll tell you what happened that’s probably the biggest cause: I was stupid enough to ask her last month “what would you have said if he had asked you out that night at the bar, when we had already been together for 4 weeks and you said you loved me?” She went all quiet, looked away, then looked me in the eye and whispered “I would have said yes”. That killed me in an instant. So, even after 20 years and in hindsight it’s a yes. So she just traded, in her head, our entire lives together, our marriage, our kids, all of it. This is why I’m so heartbroken. This is why I feel like an imposter. Everything I have is only because he never asked her out, but if he did, she would of left me. She said this even now after 20 years. I can’t even look at photos of us together without feeling like it’s not real, like I know she would have been happier if it was him in the photos. It undermines everything she said she felt about me in the beginning. If it starts as a lie then it’s all a lie, surely? She said the next day that the reason she said it was a yes is because apparently I had been holding her ‘hostage’ with a bombardment of questions and accusations (to be fair to her I have been awful lately, just non stop questions and what if scenarios and constantly badgering her for ‘the truth’) she said she had a migraine from hell, I had been asking her the same question for 2 hours and she was so tired and desperate for a nap that she just said yes in an attempt to get some peace and quiet, I asked her a further 9 times and got 9 more yeses. Who has a migraine that is so severe that you would lie about something so serious and important to me for a nap? I was badgering her but I know that was the real answer and she’s just covering for herself. Everything I have is because he never asked. Just think of that. She says it’s not true. She says she loves me and would never of left me for anybody, but her looking me dead in the eye and saying yes is a very hard image to forget, especially when she said it in such a genuine way. She still says to this day she doesn’t know why she thought about him. I asked her last week “what was better about him?” Another stupid question, I know, setting myself up for more heartbreak, “she said his eyes were bluer and would go really bright when he smiled. His eyes were more attractive than mine”. I thought, oh great just the exact things you were thinking about in bed that time that wasn’t turning you on”, yeah right, maybe I’m blowing it all out of proportion, I hadn’t been bothered by it in almost 20 years, I have been 100% faithful and loyal to her and her to me except for that one time and only if you class that as ‘cheating’, but the biggest thing is I feel like my perception of the beginning of the relationship is completely one sided. I was head over heels and stupid enough to think she felt the same. She says she did and still does, I’m still the best thing that ever happened to her and all that. I can’t even bring up his name without her smirking, even after 20 years the thought of him excites her, she said “no it doesn’t she’s smirking because I’m being ridiculous”. The simple fact she would of left me has destroyed me, proves she didn’t really love me, proves she still prefers him over me despite a 20 year bond. She says I’m wrong about everything and she has never had any interest in him or anyone since the moment she met me. I just can’t stand her denial. She clearly fancied him at least the first 4+ weeks we were together. She still says I don’t even know why I thought about him. Given the way she describes his face, given the fact she was thinking about his face, given the fact that a thought of his face alone just for 10 seconds was such a big turn on for her Vs just opening her eyes and seeing who was really there, who actually loved her and cared about her and adored her, and was having sex with her, was arousing enough to say his name, am I going completely mental or isn’t it blatantly obvious. Sorry for the long rant. I acknowledge that my mental health has been affected by her saying she would of left me, I know I’m overanalysing everything. She would of left someone she loved for someone ‘she didn’t even like or fancy’. Sounds reasonable.
User article | jealousy
"Just concerned"
My girlfriend is telling me that her friend's boyfriend is calling her to say hi and she sees no problem with that and worries me. What should I do?
User article | jealousy
“My husband lies about watching porn”
My husband and I have a pretty decent sex life. It's often, but we can sometimes be a bit lazy when it's been a long day. About a year ago, I found out that he was following a ton of porn accounts on every social media account that he owns. I started snooping after feeling uneasy about his time in the bathroom. After discussing it, he deleted the accounts. I tried to go along with it to be the "cool wife," even though it honestly made me feel inadequate and also disgusted by him. He insisted that they were old accounts that he had no interest in and deleted them, though. A few nights ago, I was trying to find a bookmarked website on our laptop when I saw a few porn pages bookmarked. Apparently, his phone somehow linked with the laptop, because I realized I was in Mobile bookmarks. I didn't outright let him know what I found, but I sat him down and finally told him truly how him watching porn made me feel (without accusing him of anything). He started to get slightly defensive, but didn't. By the end of the conversation, I'd gathered that he wasn't watching it anymore. Today, I was going to see if a picture that I tagged him in on IG shared, because my phone was being dumb. Instead, I saw that he had recently followed nearly 100 more accounts than when I saw his profile last. There were nearly 100 porn accounts that weren't there after our conversation recently. In fact, some of them weren't even porn accounts. They were normal women's accounts who happened to wear skimpy outfits sometimes. A couple of them were girls who are local strippers. I am so sick, physically and with the relationship. I'm not sure if I should tell him what I found and try to have a civil conversation (again) about it and try to work through it, sleep in separate rooms until he gets it together, or just leave for a little while. I know this is so drawn out, but I'm at a loss. I cannot compete with the looks of these women, and I don't want to feel like I have to.
User article | jealousy, social media, pornography
“Insecure in love”
Can anyone help ease my mind? I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend (who we will call D) for two years. Here is some of our history. In 2009 we met on Match.com, and dated for about a year. I was really crappy to him, lying, cheating, breaking up with him, getting back together with him, and continuing that cycle. We ended it in 2010 - because of me. I started dating someone else, (who we will call J). In 2014 I left my ex (J) because he was abusive, and my current boyfriend (D) was there for me for six months until I got the guts to leave my ex. The sixth month in, D started to let his guard down and let me in again....all for me to go back to J. Needless to say, D was crushed. 2016 approaches, J punches in me in the face. I decided enough is enough, called the cops and moved out that night. Four months after I left J, it was what I swear fate, that I ran into D again. Twice in two days. We started dating right away, not giving myself enough time to fully heal from the seven years of torment I had been through but I didn't want to lose D again. My issue is D has this friend, who we'll call M, who is married. They've been friends for 15 years, met in college because she dated his roommate at the time. Every week D and M will text each other, specifically on "Hump Day", which in itself bothers me. It's just to say hi and see how each other is doing. Some times I feel there are inappropriate memes sent, but D says they're harmless. I have voiced to D my insecurity and worries with this. Yes, she's been married 10 years and yes, over 10 years D has given me more and more chances than anyone should. He's never even given his "baby mama" as many chances as me. I just do not feel comfortable with this. Something in my gut says it's not right. He will change her oil (because he's a mechanic) and then they go out for tacos, not that often, but still. I have voiced this to D a few times, at first he was patient with me. Then, he started getting frustrated. I told him I don't get how a guy and a girl can be friends, and there not be something there. Especially when you've been friends 15 years, there has to be something there. He said there's never been anything between them and that she's like a sister to him and I should really just think of her as having a dick, but I can't because she doesn't. A couple weeks ago, I went through his phone and looked at his texts. He told me I could, but he does not like when I do it behind his back...which is what I did. So he changed his password and took off my fingerprint ID to get into his phone - which frustrates me. Last night I brought it up again how I am not comfortable with them texting. That there has to be something there. I don't care if she's married or not. I've been cheated on, I've cheated on people, I've even almost cheated with a married man, my mom and dad have cheated on one another, my son's father walked away from me when I was four months pregnant. He was, needless to say, frustrated and tried to keep is cool. He said nothing is there, that if they want to have dated, they could have but never did. I asked if there was an attraction there, he said she's not ugly but I'm not attracted to her in that way. I said is she attracted to you? He said if she was, she's never voiced it. I don't know...to me, if you're happy within your marriage or relationship, you don't have to reach out to someone of the opposite sex...even if it's just a hey, how you doing? Am I being ridiculous?!?!? Please tell me honestly.
Ask the community | insecurity, jealousy
“Cheating: what do I do now?!”
In this video we talk about what really happens when you cheat and what you should do after.  Cheating is a topic many people are afraid to talk about. Many people still unfortunately have to go through situations like that. As we got a question about cheating last week in our inbox, we decided to make a video about it. It is our advice on how do deal with the fact of cheating. No matter if she cheated and he's affected by it or he cheated and she's affected by it, we kept it as general and honest as possible. In this video we are talking about why people cheat, how to prevent cheating and what to do once you already cheated on your partner or have been cheated on. A topic unfortunately many people still deal with and don't know how to get out of that state of mind. We hope this Video helps you getting closure in certain areas! Much LOVE PAX&Q
User article | trust, jealousy
“I want to get away from my husband”
I checked my husband's Facebook this morning (he has cheated several times in the past) and I have seen a message from someone I think he had an affair with years ago. The message, I think, was her follow up to meeting him at work, where she has told him something – I don't know what – but she did say something along the lines of 'I hope you're ok, I just thought you should know as it's your marriage on the line, and I didn't think it was fair even if she didn't go through with it'. I have no idea what that was referring to, but to me it sounds like he has been up to something with someone and its about to come out? It's left me really confused, because looking through his Facebook and he has been looking at hot tub getaways for us secretly (our anniversary is coming up), he says lovely things on Facebook about me and doesn't seem to be having an affair, but I can't ask him what it is all about otherwise he will know I've been on his Facebook again. The trouble is it is eating away at me, and I've come to realise today that I don't trust him, not one bit! I'm a nervous wreck when he goes out and I look for clues he may have been with someone. I hate when he gets drunk as he loses morals, and sometimes he will start being cocky and starts with all the insults. He gets at the kids who are autistic and it's really unfair to them, and he is drinking a lot lately – every night in fact – but most weekends are spent with him being drunk or hungover. His dad is an alcoholic and my husband is going the same way. I thought he was getting help but he wasn't turning up to the sessions. A letter came through the post saying they were sorry he couldn't attend but he denied it, and said they must have made a mistake. I've had enough and want to leave, right now! But I don't know how to. I have three kids, no money, nowhere to go, so I am trapped. I need to go away from him altogether. We have tried to split up several times in the past but he always sweet talks his way back. If I don't do it now then I'll go on for the next few weeks or months with it all going round in my head and pretending everything is fine, then I'll never do it, at all. I cant keep going through this but I just don't know how to break away. If I ask him to leave, he will find ways to keep coming back. Obviously the kids are one excuse for him, and I'm too soft with him. I don't want to take the kids away from him. I wouldn't do that, but I just need to be away from him for now, but can't leave him with the kids so I'm stuck. It might seem I'm being a bit hasty but I have had enough of this over the years. That message was the last straw, and the fact I'm still checking up on him says it all really. How do I break free? I really need some advice on where to start if possible. Thanks in advance x
Ask the community | trust, jealousy
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