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Codependent relationships
Article

When it comes to adult relationships, you need to be able to depend on others – and have them depend on you in return. This is natural and healthy. However, when dependency begins to shift from a shared dynamic to a one-sided expectation, your relationship may begin to suffer from something called ‘codependency’.

What is codependency?

Codependency is an unhealthy relationship dynamic in which one person is usually ‘the giver’ and the other is ‘the taker’. The giver assumes responsibility for the taker’s needs, often neglecting their own needs and feelings in the process. This dynamic can happen in all kinds of relationships, including family members, friends, and romantic partners [1].

It's important to note that sometimes relationships may require one person to be more dependent on the other for a time. This can include parents/carers and children, illnesses, periods of bereavement or unemployment, and more. While these situations may include elements of codependency, they are different from codependency itself.

What causes codependency?

There are many reasons codependency can become a dynamic in a relationship. This can include: poor boundaries, low self-worth, empathy, adverse life experiences, substance abuse, and unequal family roles. Often it is a mixture of reasons on both sides.

What does codependency do to a relationship?

Left unchecked, codependency can create a power imbalance within relationships. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy, frustration, insecurity, loneliness, anger, isolation, and anxiety. While it is more likely that ‘the giver’ will be impacted most, ‘the taker’ may also feel some of these feelings as well.

Without proper communication codependency can lead to relationship breakdown, or in extreme cases, abuse (physical, mental, emotional).

Signs of codependency in a relationship

It can be hard to recognise a codependency dynamic in your own relationships, especially if you enjoy caring for others. There is also a difference to relationships where coercive control is a significant problem. If you feel forced into the giving role or if someone is making decisions for you against your will, it’s important to reflect on why this is happening and whether you might be in a controlling relationship.

Some of the following behaviours may be signs of codependency in your relationship [2]:

  • ‘Walking on eggshells’ when you’re around someone.
  • Asking for permission to do anything.
  • Apologising even if you haven’t done anything wrong.
  • Feeling sorry for someone, even if they hurt you.
  • Trying to ‘rescue’ or ‘fix’ someone.
  • Doing anything someone asks, even if you are uncomfortable.
  • Putting someone on a pedestal.
  • Needing someone to ‘like you’ in order to feel good about yourself.
  • Having no free time to yourself.
  • Feeling like you don’t know who you are.
How to create balance in your relationships

It’s important to spend time with others in order to build healthy relationships and improve your own mental health. However, it is equally important to make time for your own interests alongside any romantic relationships or friendships.

Pursuing individual interests can help strengthen your sense of who you are. In fact, studies have found that working on yourself (alongside working on your relationships) actually helps your relationships to thrive [3, 4].

To help you create this balance in your relationships, try some of the following practical tips and tricks:

  • Practice solitude. Take some time to be by yourself every day and do something that is just for you.
  • Reflect on your current relationships. This can help you identify problem areas and safe spaces with those closest to you.
  • Recognise your emotions. Being able to understand and accept how you are feeling can help you build emotional resilience and intelligence.
  • Use a gratitude journal. Taking note of the things in your life you are thankful for will help you build a strong sense of what is important to you.
  • Invest in your own hobbies. Make time or set aside budget for activities and interests that you enjoy to enhance your sense of self.
  • Take small steps. Think about what you can do in the short term to help establish boundaries with your loved one.
  • Be assertive. It may be difficult to put yourself before others, but it is important to value and consider your own thoughts and desires.

Many of these actions may feel counterintuitive, especially if you take genuine pleasure in helping others or making them happy. Just remember – independence in a relationship does not mean you are cut off from someone or need to suddenly say ‘no’ to everything! It means you are taking positive steps towards balancing your relationships in a way that encourages both sides to thrive.

Please note that the above advice and actions do not apply to anyone who is in a relationship that is controlling or otherwise abusive. If you feel this is you, visit our resource page to receive help from the right sources.

References

[1] Knapek, E., & Kuritárné Szabó, I. (2014). A kodependencia fogalma, tünetei és a kialakulásában szerepet játszó tényezők [The concept, the symptoms and the etiological factors of codependency]. Psychiatria Hungarica : A Magyar Pszichiatriai Tarsasag tudomanyos folyoirata, 29(1), 56–64.

[2] Gould, VeryWellMind.(2022). How to Spot the Signs of Codependency. Codependency: How to Recognize the Signs (verywellmind.com)

[3] Barlow. A, Ewing. J, Janssens. A & Blake. S. (2018). The Shakleton Relationships project. Microsoft Word - Shackleton Report Master Copy Final Draft 28-06-18 JE - updated v2.docx (exeter.ac.uk)

[4] Hansen, H. (2024). How mastering the art of being alone can boost your mental health. NewScientist. https://institutions.newscientist.com/article/mg26134840-400-how-mastering-the-art-of-being-alone-can-boost-your-mental-health/

 

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“I don't trust my man's female friend”
Hi guys. I'm new here... I can't discuss this with anyone in my life, so *really* I hope you can help me wrap my head around this problem. Lately, I've been stressed by a new addition in my boyfriend's life: his female friend from work. He and I are in our 20s and have been together for two years. We've had a solid and happy relationship until this point...and it's still mostly happy as long as his "friend" doesn't come up in conversation. The summary is this: I don't trust his female friend AT ALL. And I feel that my boyfriend should be more alert to the red flags that I'm seeing from her. Henceforth I will call this girl "Lacey" and I'll call my boyfriend "Joe." Here's the facts on Joe: He's extremely mellow by nature. He's nonjudgmental (a little too much, in my opinion) He's extremely loyal and respectful towards women. He's a clear and honest communicator. My happiness is one of his greatest priorities, but he won't compromise his values or beliefs to please me. He gets sad about the fact that he has very few friends. He doesn't want to lose Lacey's friendship. Here's the facts about me: I'm pretty smart and diplomatic. I'm a pretty good judge of character and strongly dislike unethical people. I'm not a jealous person and know that I can't change someone or dictate how to live their life. If there is a conflict, I always scrutinize my feelings and perspective before the other person's. Here's the facts on Lacey: She's in her mid-twenties and is single. She comes across as attractive and normal.... until you know her backstory. She got pregnant as a teenager and has two kids by two men. She was married to Dad#2 until he cheated. Then she started cheating WITH him on his currently-pregnant girlfriend. She felt zero guilt about this. Now Dad#1 has temporarily moved into her apartment with his new girlfriend. Lacey is now cheating with him instead. Again, she feels no guilt for doing this. Besides those scary facts, this is my biggest problem with her: She seems clueless about proper behavior when being friends with a man in a relationship. Here are some examples: - When Joe and I first started hanging out with her, we'd go out every weekend. Then I started realizing she had no interest in being friends with me. She ignored my existence 90% of the time and only talked to Joe about work or her life. Also, she would only text him, not me. I found it very rude and started not wanting to hang out with her. - While she was cheating with Dad#2, she would show Joe VERY EXPLICIT texts that Dad#2 would send her. Things like, "I wanna lick your *bleep* and make you *bleep* while you *bleep* my *bleep." I think it's very inappropriate that she showed these to my boyfriend. - She came over once to hang out. I got tired at midnight and went to bed. Instead of leaving soon after (which seems proper to me), she stayed and talked with Joe until after 1:00am. - She has asked to have dinner with Joe on a Friday/Saturday evening a few times. Once, they were out for about 6 hours. I ended up going to bed by myself. My boyfriend insisted that it was fine and normal. I feel it wasn't right. - The last time she came over, she kept pressuring my boyfriend to smoke a cigarette with her on our balcony, knowing that I wasn't happy about it. I didn't like the vibe I got from that. During this same evening, she talked about the banter she & Joe engage in through text. She sounded like a teenager bragging about thinly-veiled flirtation: "Omigod, like, he's SO MEAN to meeee! He said I was uglyyyy," she said while laughing. "Even when I make little sad faces in my text, he's still mean to meee!" ......... I just sat there like, Really? You think I wanna hear about what you two banter about? 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I think he's ignoring red flags, ESPECIALLY the fact that she's a shameless cheater! And I think he's egging her on by condoning questionable behavior: letting her take pictures of them together, buying her a funny shirt, texting her regularly, etc. I just don't know how to feel about this, guys. I hope you can tell me your thoughts about this. I know that asking him to end their friendship is out of the question. That's not my job as his girlfriend. But am I crazy for thinking she's behaving inappropriately? (Or is he behaving inappropriately too?) Am I crazy for thinking he shouldn't be hanging around with a woman who cheats shamelessly? Am I crazy for thinking that spending evenings alone with her is inappropriate from now on, now that they have the opportunity to get lunch together? I would really appreciate any advice or thoughts you guys have on my situation. It's so hard feeling so alone. :'(
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“Caught my partner watching porn”
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“My wife is texting other men”
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User article | trust
“Something she said years ago”
We've been together for over 30 years...since high school. About 25 years ago, we had a big argument, enough of one that I stormed out for long walk to get my head straight. When I returned, we were both sorry it had happened and the first words to come out of her mouth was, "I made a mistake." At the time, less experience in hand, I assumed that to mean that she was sorry for the argument but now I wonder if she was. Why didn't she say, "I'm sorry", or "It was my fault", or "I shouldn't have gotten mad", or something along those lines. But she said she made a mistake, which leads me to wonder, as I have for many years, if she was trying to fess up to having cheated, which may explain why we got into an argument over something stupid to begin with...her feeling guilty. Truly, a person doesn't make a mistake when they cheat, as it's a choice, not an accidental choice either as it would have to be planned. So in anyone's estimation, is it likely that I have cause for wonder? Did she cheat and when I didn't pursue her statement she decided not to bring it up again thinking all was in the past? This has bothered me on and off for years and pops into my head every great once in a while when something reminds me of those times in the past. I even asked her about this a couple of years ago and she said she didn't remember saying that but it had to be because of our argument. If I found it to be true, I'd most likely forgive her, as it would have happened years before we were married. And it would give me a feeling a finally knowing the truth so that I could put it behind me. Should I ask her again and be steadfast that I want a real answer and explain to her my misgivings about her choice of words having given me this thought? What is the likelihood she really did cheat?
User article | trust, arguments
“How to move on from this?”
So my boyfriend of almost 2 years told me the other day that while I was away staying at my mother's house he had someone over to our apartment and received oral sex from them. We do not have a very good sex life because of the medications I am on and I just don't have much interest. But we do have sex on occasion. He is VERY sexual and needs to have sex every day to "de-stress." He justifies his action because I "don't give him any" and he has "urges." He takes me not being sexual very personally. It is like a drug to him and he is very addicted to it. He thinks that I understand why he did what he did and that we are moving on but I have been thinking to myself over and over if this is going to work or how to move on from this. I'm not sure what I should do next to address the situation?
User article | cheating, trust, sex
“Girlfriend cheated, I can't get over it”
I met the perfect girl about two years ago who ended up being my first love and first serious relationship. She became my girlfriend, my best friend, my EVERYTHING! Then almost a year into the relationship I was going through some stuff that made me very stressed out and less available to spend quality time, which put a huge strain on our relationship. My girlfriend began to go out with her friends all of the time and I never thought anything of it because I trusted her and was busy myself so I wanted her to have fun. One day later on down the line I see a picture that she was tagged in on Facebook with this guy behind her dancing with her. We had a rule that we wouldn't dance with anyone else and when I questioned her she said they took the picture right when he got behind her to dance with her... Being the (dumb) trusting boyfriend, I accepted what she said without question and just asked her to remove the picture. Then a couple of weeks later, she had a falling out with her roommate who supposedly posted that my girlfriend cheated on me on Facebook and my girlfriend told me about it and how it wasn't true and being once again the (stupid) trusting boyfriend, I was receptive to what she said without question. Cheating was something that i didn't think she would ever do because I knew that she loved me dearly. I began to feel myself becoming more and more unhappy primarily due to the great amount of strain that was put on our relationship because of what I was going through. My girlfriend was somewhat supportive but complained and didn't like it at all one bit. I thought about things for weeks and decided to break up with her because I needed time and didn't wanna do anything bad to her like cheat or anything. She was heartbroken and begged for me back but I refused. Months later I tried getting back with her and she was not making it easy for me at all. There was another guy who she was seeing but she still loved me and it showed and I knew I just needed to be patient so I was. She then decides to get some type of birth control that required her to have an STD test and come to find out she has syphilis and I was likely to have to it as well because we had sex on several occasions. Being focused on wanting to get her back I completely brushed that off when she told me and she felt like she couldn't make me wait for any longer because I was the best thing that's happened to her and she dropped everyone and got back with me. Weeks following I found out that she lied about a guy she said she didn't have sex with and that she cheated on me back when I was going through that stuff and her roommate had posted it on Facebook and told me it wasn't true when it really was. I was completely crushed! I couldn't do anything but want to work things out because I had just gotten her back and wasn't ready for things to end. She made a 360 degree change  for the better and has shown me that she was sorry and loves me and would never do anything like that again. It has been seven months and still to this day, I can't seem to forget about it and I feel like its preventing me from moving on with her. Things will be good for a couple of weeks and then something will happen or I'll see something that reminds me of what she did and it just brings me back to the situation and how much it hurt me. Still to this day there has been a lingering unhappiness that I just can't get over because of what she has done and I do not know what to do with myself! I wish I could just get over it so I can move on with this girl and my life! She has done everything she possibly can to show she is sorry and to make things better. Although I do want to move on with this girl I'm not most concerned with that. What I'm mainly concerned with is what the best thing for me to do for MYSELF is. Advice would be greatly appreciated.. I have been having way too many sleepless nights..Thanks! By the way... my girlfriend and I are both in college. I'm 20, going on 21, and she's 19, going on 20.
User article | cheating, trust
“Is my baby's father interested?”
I was seeing him when he was still in a relationship. He has since then split from his partner but has a daughter from that relationship. When I told him I was pregnant he told me I had to have the baby (I was planning on another abortion until I found out I was five months). But couldn’t be involved straight away as the split from his partner had affected his daughter and he needed to put her first. This was in April. He carried on seeing me throughout my pregnancy but never asked anything about it. I told him about scans and how it was going etc. I gave birth to my beautiful boy nearly three weeks ago, which I told him when I gave birth. I asked if he wanted to see baby and the response I got was that I should rest since I had a c-section and he’d get to see him when he does. Since then he’s spoken to me normally and occasionally asks how baby is doing but it doesn’t move past that. I also asked about a middle name and what surname to put down on the birth certificate and he said that it was up to me and I should choose. He didn’t seem too keen to give him his surname. Am I wrong to question if he wants to be involved again? I feel like he’s not very interested. Yet wants to see me for sex etc? I’m really confused about what to do in regards to this.
User article | trust, cheating
If trust was broken by a previous partner
Article | breakups, trust, YPc
“Wife texting another man”
Recently I found out my wife has been in quite inappropriate conversation with another man, i seen their chat pop up while using her laptop and the content of one message was out of order so i clicked to read further into this. It had been going on 3 months or so and very sexual chats and even some non revealing but teasing photos had been sent. He was leading most of it but recently she seemed to be enjoying it more and playing along (she sent the photos) he kept asking for more revealing photos and she was teasing along. It took me a while but i eventually confronted her about my disgust and i tried to be reasonable and understanding and asked was something missing from our relationship. I had on many occasions felt we were missing something and a few times asked her and she kept saying all was fine. After talking to her about this she admitted she is a bit bored and the younger man made her feel good and it was flattering, she agreed it was inappropriate and promised me it would stop. A few weeks passed and all seemed great but i walked in one day of her taking a close up of her cleavage lying in bed. She quickly passed it off and denied it. She has moved all messaging to snapchat so no history is available and she guards her phone closely which was never really a thing before. I feel its still happening but don't know how to confront her again in case i come across as possessive and controlling as I'm sure she will accuse me of this. We have always been a very open and trusting couple and this leaves me heartbroken and i feel I've lost trust in her since this but I don't want to be watching over my shoulder the whole time. I feel betrayed even though by the messages nothing has happened physically ( well at least not up to a few weeks ago) but i really tried to be understating to make things work and feel she played along and made me feel she would stop to save any further conversation as she has never been into having relationship chats. Is the snapchatting her workaround so I don't find out or am i being paranoid. Her job leaves her open to late nights away and he lives near her job and although I don't thinks anything has happened I'm fearful it can easily under the circumstances as its normal for her job to have her in late and different times each night. I think if it is still going on i will lose all trust and not want to be with her but we have kids and i adore them and i would lost without them. Any advice welcome and thanks in advance.
User article | cheating, trust, emotional affair
Is this weird, or am I overthinking it?
Okay, so I (22F) started dating my current boyfriend (25M) about a year ago and it's been going great so far except for one thing that happened when we went out with his friends a little while ago that I haven't been able to stop thinking about. His 2 friends (both guys around his age) kept making jokes about my boyfriend "being a pedophile" and "only wanting to date really young girls" and then started going into details about his sex life before I had met him including that he had slept with one of his friends from high school previously as well as making jokes with them about incest (not going into details about why I didn't find that funny, but he definitely knows this). This made me really uncomfortable which he knew but he didn't ask them to stop or anything, and when we got back to his house I just wasn't in a good mood at all (Also because I had baked him something the day before and he threw it away after not eating any of it saying that he doesn't like deserts when I've seen him eat them before, but this isn't really relevant.). Anyway, moving on, since then I've noticed he's still REALLY close with his friend that he's previously had sex with. I always knew he was pretty close with her because she comes up in conversation, and he had told me that he slept with a friend from high school, but I had no idea they were the same person until his friends told me. He told me that they're just really good friends and that he's known her since high school and the only reason he slept with her is because they were both drunk at the time. Despite this, and maybe this is just me being insecure since this is my first relationship, I feel like he must've liked her at least a little bit to have sex with her at the time (I said this to him one time and he got angry/annoyed at me for it so I try not to bring it up) and he has since ignored me multiple times when I'm talking to him on dates/when we're together because he was texting her. I trust my boyfriend, especially since both him and this girl are dating other people now and she doesn't live in the same state as us, but I don't appreciate things like being ignored in a restaurant because he's texting some girl he's previously slept with. Long story short, my boyfriend is a great guy, but his friends tend to try to make me uncomfortable by bringing up his previous sexual activity and he still seems strangely close with a "friend" from high school that he's previously had sex with.
User article | trust
“I lied and now he can’t trust me”
When I first met my boyfriend seven months ago, I was still in some contact with two guys that I hooked up with, both of which I had to see due to work related obligations. I told him that I had blocked the one guy on everything, and later on he had seen that guy in my snapchat. He knew I was lying, and had confronted me on it. I ended up telling him that I had been receiving snapchats from him, they were meaningless pictures of his dog, and that was it. He didn’t believe me and thought there was still something going on, and I understand why. I was still friends with the second guy I had hooked up with, and he questioned me about him and I told him that he was just my friend and nothing had happened which was obviously a lie. I ended up telling him I had hooked up with him, and then deleted both of them on my social media/snapchat. I ended up telling him later on after he had to dig to find out that the second guy I still had to be in contact with due to work related obligations. He already knew this about the first guy. I lied to him initially about the first guy because I just made a stupid mistake, and once I saw how intense his reactions were to finding this out, I was scared to admit to any of the other lies I had told him in the past. His reactions were warranted because I caused this, but they were explosive and scared me. This still isn’t a good excuse to lie, however that’s how I felt. Now he cannot trust me on anything, and I understand why, and is to the point where he is coming up with the idea, and is firmly believing that I cheated on him when I didn’t. I never did anything remotely close to that, but he thinks I'm lying. We had a big fight recently, and I told him I had ordered chinese at work. He misheard me and thought I said “we” ordered chinese and firmly believes that I ordered chinese with someone else. I showed him proof of the transaction in my bank history, and it was a $10 bill which is about how much one person would spend on chinese. I provided him a record of the phone call I made to order the food, and he is claiming that someone must have taken the leftovers, even though I said I threw them out because I don’t eat leftovers and he knows this. He is ready to end things with me, and I understand why but obviously don’t want this to happen and want to prove to him that he can trust me. An instance that has come up where he need to know something involving another male, I told him about immediately after fully expecting an explosive reaction but he had a great one. I have tried very hard for the past three months to show him that he can trust me, and every and any opportunity I have I give him to prove to him. He can see my location, go through my phone, knows my schedule, I don’t have any forms of social media anymore, he has access to every single thing of mine. I understand why he doesn’t trust me, but I don’t want this relationship to end because I love him more than anything and I want to fix this and show him, and continue to show him, that he can trust me. Any words of advice on building trust and trying to get him to see clearly with this whole chinese food thing? I can explain more in the comments if anybody has questions.
User article | trust, control, emotional abuse
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