Although attitudes towards LGBTQ+ people and same-sex couples seem to be becoming more positive, many LGBTQ+ people still face a considerable amount of stigma, discrimination and prejudice.Same-sex couples often face unique additional difficulties which can include coming out, negative reactions from family and friends, fear of public displays of affection and homophobic abuse.Here, three same-sex couples tell their stories:  Kat (21) and Carly (20) Kat and Carly have been together for a year. Kat is out to her immediate family and they are accepting of her sexuality and her relationship with Carly.While being very happy in their relationship, Kat is not entirely comfortable with her sexuality. She keeps her relationship hidden from other extended family members including her aunt, to whom she introduced Carly as a friend. Kat worries about holding hands in public.Carly, on the other hand, is completely comfortable with her sexual identity and public displays of affection. Carly is helping Kat face her fears by holding hands in public, but she remains very aware of her surroundings and the reactions of others. Brendan (24) and Josh (23) Brendan and Josh have been together for three years. They have experienced verbal abuse more than once while holding hands in public. This has mostly happened on weekend nights. However, on one daytime occasion, as Brendan and Josh were walking hand-in-hand, a man in a white van slowed down and shouted homophobic abuse and expletives at them. Brendan shared their experience of this upsetting event on Twitter and received lots of positive support. Both Brendan and Josh say that homophobic abuse will not stop them from being themselves and holding hands in public. Lindsay (30) and Dana (31) Lindsay and Dana have been together for two years. Lindsay’s parents reacted very negatively to her coming out. They were verbally abusive, equating homosexuality with paedophilia, and disowning their daughter. This experience was heart-breaking and emotional for the couple, and Lindsay says it was the hardest six months of her life. Despite this, the couple feel they are stronger because they got through it by communicating, spending time together and seeking support from their close friends. Lindsay has since been able to repair the relationship with her parents to some extent, but they don’t associate with Dana much, which puts pressure on them both. Lindsay has accepted that her parents don’t like her relationship and believes her parents are missing out by not knowing Dana. These case studies come from a PhD research project by Danni Pearson of the Open University. The research is entitled ‘The Trials, Tribulations and Celebrations of Young Same-Sex Couples in Long-term Relationships’ and explores how young same-sex couples experience and sustain their relationships. The research is also connected to the Enduring Love project.

Being a grandparent is a precious role, with all the joys of spending time with and caring for a child, and less of the stress. Most grandparents idolise their grandchildren, and grandchildren can thrive on that special relationship. After a parental divorce or separation, the grandparents’ role can shift dramatically and what was once taken for granted becomes fraught with complications. Grandparents – especially those who have been very closely involved – invariably get caught in the middle. You may worry about seeing less of your grandchildren or losing contact altogether. Your loyalties can be torn between wanting to support your child through the painful periods and wanting to stay on good terms with their ex-partner. After a separation, grandparents are faced with many dilemmas: Grandparents are often called on for advice and support. They need to be good listeners while staying neutral. Grandparents are expected to be there to pick up the pieces but withdraw whenever they are regarded as being too interfering. Grandparents should respect boundaries but also be available for support when needed. Grandparents often have to to provide comfort, reassurance and answers for angry and confused children, not always knowing exactly what is going on themselves. During a separation, parents are often overwhelmed with their own issues and with making sure their children are OK. In this state, it’s easy overlook the valuable role that grandparents play. It is worth taking the time to sit down and talk with grandparents about what they are might be thinking and feeling, making sure they don’t feel taken for granted. It is OK to say you need them. The support of grandparents can be a crucial factor in how children cope with their parents' separation. Try to be clear about what you would like from them, and encourage them to do the same for you. Be open and honest. Keep in mind that when a couple’s relationship breaks down it doesn't just affect the immediate family members – it touches other family members in a number of ways too. You may also like to visit How mediation can assist grandparents on the National Family Mediation website.

We’re all different. We all have our own personality traits, habits, hobbies and passions that define us and make us who we are. Yet sometimes when we enter relationship, we find that our defining characteristics start to blur as we fall in step with our new partner. We give up going to our Saturday morning spin classes to go and watch football. We lose touch with friends. Sometimes, we even change the way we speak! We usually do this to bond with our new partner and learn more about their interests in the early stages of the relationship. However, as time goes by, many of us find that we’re still just going along with what our partner wants to do and no longer make the time for our old interests. When we move in with a partner, it can be even harder to maintain a sense of self. In extreme cases, people can find themselves changing their whole appearance and lifestyle to fit in with a partner. But, on top of losing your identity while you’re in the relationship, you put yourself at risk of being even more devastated if the relationship ends. You may feel like you’ve not only lost a partner, but a whole way of life. This can leave you feeling lost and confused over your own identity. Of course, you do have to make some compromises and small changes to make a relationship work, but you don’t have to give up everything that makes you happy. It’s possible to hold onto your individuality and have a strong relationship. Set aside some ‘me time’ You and your partner don’t need to spend every moment together. It’s the quality of time you spend together that counts, not the quantity. Sit down and discuss a mutually convenient time when you can both be alone to pursue personal interests. Keep in mind that plans may have to change to fit around work and family commitments, so you and your partner must both be open to changing the schedule now and then. Learn to say ‘no’ You don’t have to say ‘yes’ to everything your partner wants. This doesn’t mean you have to say ‘no’ to everything – it’s great to try new things – it just means you should look for a balance as you plan your activities. Keep friends and family close Growing up, your friends and family were the people who helped shape you to become the person you are today. Keep in touch with the people who matter to you, and you’ll stand a better chance of keeping in touch with yourself.

As a same-sex parent, planning for a child differs from the traditional route in obvious ways. Whether you’ve chosen to adopt or work with a donor or surrogate parent, you’ve had to make some big decisions to get to this point. It can be difficult to turn to others for a quick chat about how to child-proof your kitchen without the conversation leading to the topic of how to raise a child can be raised in a same-sex family or which of you is going to take on which duties when the child arrives. You might find that a lot of the traditional advice and information that’s been handed down through regular channels doesn’t immediately relate to your own experience, or face discriminatory attitudes from the service providers who are supposed to support you, Your employers and other colleagues might also be putting barriers in your way. All of this can lead to difficulties around the practical arrangements of childcare and other financial matters, making you feel isolated and confused about where to turn. Why is this affecting our relationship? Discrimination can affect your relationship in several ways. Your relationship may already be under strain from parenting [1], so any additional pressure can be much harder to deal with [2]. It can also be troubling because it’s difficult to face the issue head on. It’s not easy to resolve stress that comes from outside your relationship, and it’s hard to talk to people who don’t understand or respect your desire to become a parent [3]. How can I improve things? Take a moment to remind yourselves why you wanted to become parents in the first place. Remind yourselves of the journey you’ve been on and all the challenges you’ve dealt with so far. The discrimination you are facing is not your fault, and bears no reflection on your capabilities as a parent, or your potential to learn new skills and raise a child. There is no evidence to support claims that children should fare any worse in a same-sex household [4]. It may also help to remember that there are others out there facing similar challenges to your own. The number of same-sex couples raising children is on the rise [5], and the introduction of same-sex marriage represents a significant step towards more widespread acceptance. Where to get support Try seeking support from statutory services either privately or through your GP, to talk through anything that’s bothering you. You can also turn to online forums, such as the one here on Click, where you can voice your concerns anonymously amongst people in similar situations. You may also be able to lean on your social circle. At first, you may find it helpful to seek the support of a few trusted family members and friends. Research has shown that couples who maintain close ties with their family and friends can feel the benefits in their general wellbeing and quality of life through practical and emotional support [6] [7]. Research has shown that family members who initially express disapproval often warm up to the idea once the child arrives [8]. Keep reminding your family that you love and support each other and that, while you would prefer to have their support, you will still be parents regardless. Letting your family know that their negative attitudes won’t affect you gives them a more realistic choice to make about how involved they want to be. And remember – it’s your decision to become a parent and you have the right to be supported through that process. Make room for the voices that want to help you and politely ignore the ones that don’t. With a bit of self-acceptance, you may find that there are more people on your side than you realised.  References [1] Petch, J., & Halford, W. K. (2008). Psycho-education to enhance couples transition to parenthood. Clinical Psychology Review, 28(7), 1125-1137. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2008.03.005 [2] Shapiro, A. F. and Gottman, J. M. Effects on Marriage of a Psycho-Communicative-Educational Intervention With Couples Undergoing the Transition to Parenthood, Evaluation at 1-Year Post Intervention. J. Fam. Commun. 5, 1–24 (2005). [3] NatCen (2014). British Social Attitudes. [4] Crouch, S. R., Waters, E., Mcnair, R., Power, J., & Davis, E. (2014). Parent-reported measures of child health and wellbeing in same-sex parent families: A cross-sectional survey. BMC Public Health, 14(1). doi:10.1186/1471-2458-14-635 [5] ONS (2013) [6] Gierveld, J. D., & Tilburg, T. V. (2010). The De Jong Gierveld short scales for emotional and social loneliness: Tested on data from 7 countries in the UN generations and gender surveys. European Journal of Ageing, 7(2), 121-130. doi:10.1007/s10433-010-0144-6 [7] Moor, N., & Komter, A. (2011). The impact of family structure and disruption on intergenerational emotional exchange in Eastern Europe. European Journal of Ageing, 9(2), 155-167. doi:10.1007/s10433-011-0207-3 [8] Koller (2008)