Menu Relationship issues
Relationship support from experts and the community
Click is a product provided by OnePlusOne.
OnePlusOne Marriage and Partnership Research is a Registered Charity No. 1087994 and a private company Limited by Guarantee. Registered in England and Wales. Company No. 4133340. All content copyright OnePlusOne © 2017
Having a baby doesn’t have to hurt your relationship
Article | 7min read

If you're about to have a baby, you may have heard all manner of scare stories about how your relationship will suffer. It doesn’t always have to be that way. We’ve scoured the research and found some encouraging tips about how to look after your couple relationship as you make the transition to parenthood.

While it’s true that many couples face a decline in relationship satisfaction when they become parents, there are also couples whose relationships stay strong, and even improve during parenthood [1]. If you feel like you’d rather be one of those couples, read on, but be warned – it’s going to get a little rough before it gets smooth.

Whatever happens, things will change. There’s no point pretending they won’t. If you want to be one of the couples who keep hold of the happiness that their love for each other brings, one of the first things you need to do is acknowledge the risks. Simply knowing what you’re facing will help you avoid the pitfalls [2].

Babies are incredibly demanding. They rely on you for food, shelter, cuddles, getting from one soft surface to another and, very importantly, clean underwear. They don’t know how to use a toilet, they sleep irregular hours, and the only way they know how to communicate with you is by crying very loudly. They need you. All the time.

This demand on your time and energy can wreak havoc on your emotions. You and your partner are learning new skills, you’re exhausted, and you’ve got less free time than you used to have. It can be hard (impossible, even) to squeeze in things like nights out with friends, trips to art galleries, snuggles on the sofa, lazy days with the Sunday papers and that old cherished pastime, sex. [3]

With all this new activity, exhaustion, and a decrease in couple activities, you won’t be surprised to find yourselves feeling a little raw and ragged. It’s no wonder new parents sometimes find themselves snapping at each other about who does all the housework and who was supposed to pick up nappies on their way home from going out to buy nappies.

But there is a glimmer of hope: not all new parents experience a decline in relationship satisfaction. In fact, some couples find they adapt so well to the changes that the shared experience of parenting can bring them closer together than they were before [3].

Research has thankfully shown that there are certain things you can do which will help you maintain a good relationship as you make the transition to parenthood:

Talk to each other

When you’re considering trying for a baby, one thing you might want to think about is how well you communicate now, and what you can do to improve things. Research shows that couples who have good communication before the pregnancy are likely to be happier with their relationships after the baby is born [4] [5].

Remember you’re a couple and keep saying “I love you”

Having a baby will change your identity. As well as being a friend, a lover, an electrician (or whatever you are), you’re also going to be someone’s mum or dad. It’s not just a change in what you do; it’s an extra part of who you are. But remember that you’re also still a partner and a lover. Making an effort to express your love and affection for your partner is one of the things successful couples do to ensure their relationships don’t suffer [6].

Acknowledge that things are going to change

You don’t have to be terrified, but you do need to acknowledge that things are going to be different in your relationship. Admit this to yourself, and talk about it with your partner. When couples have similar expectations of parenthood, they are more likely to cope better with the changes [1].

Accept that you’re going to be busier, and that it’s going to be harder to find time for intimacy for a while. Talk about how you’re going to handle this together. Even if it turns out to be tougher than you expected, you’ll be facing the challenges together, and you’ll find it easier to talk about further adjustments that you need to make. Whatever you do, just keep communicating.

Let your family help

Obviously, this isn’t possible for everyone. Your family might not be local, or they might just not be very helpful but, if you can lean on your child’s grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., do. Wider family can offer tips and advice if they’ve had children of their own (you don’t always have to follow this advice, of course!) and practical support. If your family aren’t much help, perhaps you’d find it easier to lean on close friends. Most people love to feel helpful, so you should never feel guilty for accepting help [7].

Take a parenting course

There are loads of great parenting courses available, and many of them include elements of relationship support. Visit your local children’s centre or ask your GP where you can access parenting support. It is often free and, as well as equipping you with valuable parenting skills, it can also help you connect with other parents in your area. Whether you feel like you’re struggling or not, parenting and relationship practitioners can help make difficult things better and great things stay great [8].

As we often say here at Click, the most important thing is to keep communicating. Accept that things are going to change. Talk to your partner about how this might play out. Discuss your hopes and fears, and make sure you are both on the same page. Don’t forget to be a partner as well as a parent. And, perhaps above all, seek out and accept help wherever you can. Having a baby doesn’t have to hurt your relationship.

References

[1] Kluwer, E. S. (2010). From Partnership to Parenthood: A Review of Marital Change Across the Transition to Parenthood. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 2(2), 105–125.

[2] Clements, M. L., Martin, S. E., Cassil, A. K., & Soliman, N. N. (2011). Declines in Marital Satisfaction Among New Mothers: Broad Strokes Versus Fine Details. Journal of Marriage and Family, 73(1), 13–17. http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00783.x

[3] Houlston, C., Coleman, L., & Mitcheson, J. (2013). Changes for the couple relationship during the transition to parenthood: Risks and protective factors. International Journal of Birth and Parent Education, (1), 18–22.

[4] Houts, R. M., Barnett-Walker, K. C., Paley, B., & Cox, M. J. (2008). Patterns of couple interaction during the transition to parenthood. Personal Relationships, 15(1), 103–122. http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2007.00187.x

[5] Kluwer, E. S., & Johnson, M. D. (2007). Conflict Frequency and Relationship Quality Across the Transition to Parenthood. Journal of Marriage and Family, 69(5), 1089–1106. http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2007.00434.x

[6] Koivunen, J. M., Rothaupt, J. W., & Wolfgram, S. M. (2009). Gender Dynamics and Role Adjustment During the Transition to Parenthood: Current Perspectives. The Family Journal, 17(4), 323–328. http://doi.org/10.1177/1066480709347360

[7] Glade, A. C., Bean, R. A., & Vira, R. (2005). A Prime Time for Marital/Relational Intervention: A Review of the Transition to Parenthood Literature with Treatment Recommendations. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 33(4), 319–336. http://doi.org/10.1080/01926180590962138

[8] Glenn, F. (2007). Growing together, or drifting apart: children with disabilities and their parents’ relationship. London: OnePlusOne.

Issues
Recommended
Becoming a dad gives you a sense of purpose
Article | dad, Health
Letting the in-laws interfere a bit
Article | parenting, in-laws, grandparents
What is the formula for a healthy relationship?
Is your relationship a positive one, or a negative one? For most of us, the answer is… it depends on the day. Like anything in life (family, career, home), relationships work best when the positive feelings and actions outweigh the negative ones. On a good day, when your partner is treating you well, listening to you, loving you and making your life easier, the scales tip to the side of ‘positive’. On a bad day, when your partner criticises you repeatedly, doesn’t support you and takes you for granted, the scales tip the other way.According to research, the key to a healthy relationship lies in the balance of this scale – the positives vs. negatives that both parties bring. Now you might assume that a relationship with NO negatives should be the goal. Surely any relationship would work better with NO disagreements? Well, no. Fortunately for most couples, the negatives are important for a relationship too. Negatives can include personality clashes, impoliteness, selfishness, criticisms and so on. So negative interactions can actually benefit the relationship… but why? “[The role of negativity] in a healthy marriage may be to spur a cycle of closeness and distance that can renew love and affection. ‘Off’ times allow couples to become reacquainted periodically and heighten their love.”[1] In other words, negative interaction allows for the courtship to be renewed in some small way. As with a dance, sometimes you draw in close, and sometimes you create distance. But how MUCH of this negative do we need in our relationship? What IS the recommended balance? In relationship studies, we seldom see any kind of formula, but in this case relationship researcher John Gottman [2] has provided us with one. Five positive to one negative This means that for every one negative interaction, in order to set the balance and keep your relationship nourished you need to experience five positive interactions. These “positive” ones don’t have to be impressive or romantic gestures. They could just be bringing your partner a cup of tea, or taking the kids off them for a bit to give them some free time. Or even just being polite, paying compliments, laughing, touching, smiling and showing support. When you’re facing difficult and challenging times as parents trying to run a family, you’re probably not in a position to make big sweeping gestures like cooking your partner a three-course meal, whisking them off for a weekend away or even taking them out for the evening. So it’s just as well that the positives in the 5:1 ratio don’t need to be extravagant or overtly romantic. “Stable and happy couples share more positive feelings and actions than negative ones. Unhappy couples tend to have more negative feelings and actions than positive ones.”[1] It’s worth noting that while a negative to every five positives is encouraged, the word ‘negative’ is quite broad and certain types of negative (or too many negatives on a consistent basis) can be particularly destructive to the relationship. These more damaging negatives include great stubbornness, contempt, defensiveness, withdrawal from interaction and acts of aggression or physical violence. These really exist outside of the ratio – it’s important to remember that some actions and behaviours are never beneficial to a relationship.Lastly, there may be some couples out there who experience a ratio with lower negatives of say, 10:1 or even 20:1 where negative interactions are rare. Some even claim they don’t experience negatives at all. In a social gathering where other couples are discussing what they all argue about, this couple will often turn to each other with raised eyebrows and a hokey grin before saying: “To be honest… we just don’t really argue, do we honey?” And the other one shakes their head and goes “Nope.”, both of them apparently quite confused about what everyone else could possibly be doing wrong in their relationships. But you needn’t worry about achieving this level of harmony with your spouse. According to research, while a ratio of even 100:1 could be effective in the short-term, in order to sustain a relationship (or marriage) with real staying power, 5:1 is the ticket. References  [1] “Why marriages succeed or fail” – John Gottman [2] https://www.extension.purdue.edu/extmedia/cfs/cfs-744-w.pdf
Article | communication, big changes
“She's 32 and I want kids”
Hi all, I have been dating someone who is 32 for a few months. We really had some good time and enjoyed spending time together. I dont have kids at the moment and would like to have a family at some points. I am 30 and my girlfriend is 32. Before setting up a family, I would to get to know my girlfriend. I also know the fertility decreases as we get older. How much time do you have left? Also, do you think that we should rush our relationship and moving quickly to next steps? Thanks, Jamal
User article | communication, parenting together
We've lost our quality time as a couple
New babies are very demanding of parents in the beginning, and babies with a disability can be even more so. Depending on the disability, parents may be required to spend extra time and energy trying to help them and nurture them. All this time spent helping your baby obviously couldn’t be put to better use and, in many cases, there’s nothing that can be done about it. But you may find yourselves being so busy that you’re not getting much quality time together, which can in turn have a negative impact on the relationship quality.Estimates suggest that more than half a million children in England alone have a disability [1], so lots of parents across the country are also facing this extra strain.  Why might we have less quality time? This is largely a practical matter - if you’re really busy looking after your baby and supporting them through a disability, then that’s just the way it is. But sometimes there are other reasons that quality time together gets lost. Consider if any of these apply to you: A large part of quality time is talking through the things that matter. But during more difficult times, such as being told that you’re going to have a child that has a disability, some people use keeping busy as a coping mechanism, and the conversation might feel just too difficult to have. For some, this news can be really hard to process, and you or your partner may be experiencing a certain degree of denial. Rather than face the problem and discuss your fears and expectations for the child and family life, you might instead be busying yourself away with other tasks. You and your partner may have had certain expectations in mind when it came to starting and raising a family of your own. When you discovered your child will be born with a disability, this perhaps changed some of those expectations. This internal struggle of expectation versus reality might affect you emotionally, which could in turn affect how you interact with your partner. Children quite rightly become the priorities of their parents. And when a child has a disability or vulnerability, they often warrant even more focus and attention. While this is the heart of any good parent, it can sometimes cause their relationship to descend down the list of priorities. In other words, the quality of the couple’s relationship becomes less important. How can I help myself and my partner? You and your partner might find it difficult to discuss how your baby’s disability or health complication might negatively affect your family dynamic and how you will work together to support them. By burying the issue, tiptoeing around it, or even pretending it isn’t there, you’re at risk of leaving yourselves unprepared. It takes courage to talk about the issues that frighten us, so maybe try writing down what you’re feeling first and reading it to your partner.  As things progress, try to have regular discussions and start making preparations together.The existing research on couples raising a child with additional needs says that: “Couples caring for a disabled child are at greater risk of marital problems and divorce.” While this relates to married couples, it’s likely of course that the findings also relate to those in long-term relationships. It simply serves  to show that any extra challenges to your lives as parents will challenge your relationship too, and therefore it’s important to value your couple time, even if, day-to-day, it doesn’t take priority over your child’s needs.If you and your partner are talking about the difficulties you will face, you are more likely to have realistic expectations and be able to deal with difficult situations when they come up [2]. For this reason it’s really important for parents to work on talking openly and positively about their fears and expectations [3]. References [1] Glenn, F. (2007). Growing together, or drifting apart. London: One Plus One. [2] Pancer, S. M., Pratt, M., Hunsberger, B. & Gallant, M. Thinking ahead: Complexity of expectations and the transition to parenthood. J. Pers.68, 253–279 (2000). [3] Stamp, G. H. The appropriation of the parental role through communication during the transition to parenthood. Commun. Monogr.61, 89–112 (1994). [4] Shapiro, A. F., & Gottman, J. M. (2005). Effects on marriage of a psycho-communicative-educational intervention with couples undergoing the transition to parenthood, evaluation at 1-year post intervention. The Journal of Family Communication, 5(1), 1-24.
Article | disability, parenting together, communication
Parents, technology and relationships
For new parents, technology is great for keeping in touch – texting your partner during the day, facetiming with your baby, or catching up with friends you no longer have time to see. Smartphones and social media have broken down many communication barriers but they’ve also thrown a few new stones on the path. Learning to navigate this territory can help protect you against the risks that an overreliance on technology can put on your relationship. Work-life balance Technology makes it easier for your partner to get in touch with you at work, but also for your colleagues to get in touch with you when you’re at home. This blurring of the lines between work and family can be stressful, making you feel like you have to deal with work matters at home, or family matters at work [1]. Phones and intimacy One study showed that simply having mobiles in the house can get in the way of couples developing intimacy and trust, even on an unconscious level. You don’t know it’s happening, but the presence of your phone in your pocket, or on the counter, or on the bedside table, can create a barrier to the trust and intimacy you might otherwise be building up [2]. Talking through text It’s easy for meanings and nuances to be lost in the written word – especially when you’re firing off messages in the middle of a busy day. Words can take on new meanings when presented without tone of voice. A hurried response can be taken as a lack of consideration. Even a cheeky emoji can be read wrong. Over the course of a day, this can build up into a big heap of mixed messages and unnecessary resentment, bleeding over into the way you talk to each other at home [3] and leading to unnecessary bickering. The following tips can help make sure technology plays a healthier role in your lives: Agree some ground rules. Decide what constitutes acceptable internet and phone use. You might want to agree on some designated phone-free time for catching up, or just plan to switch off after a certain hour. Whatever you decide, make sure it works for both of you. Avoid assumptions. If your partner texts or emails something that feels like a dig or a rejection, clarify it before you leap to a reaction. Pay attention. When your partner is talking about something important, put your screen away and give them your full attention. Save your news. If you’ve got something important to share, wait and do it face to face. That way, you won’t miss out on all the benefits of your partner’s reaction. Switch off at bedtime. Make your bedroom a temple of sleep (and sex too, if you have time). Turn your phone off, or leave it out of the bedroom. Buy an old-fashioned alarm clock and don’t check your messages until you’re up and about. Switch off on date nights. If you’ve set up a time to share together, turn off your phone and concentrate on enjoying each other’s company. Leave social media out of arguments. If you’re arguing with your partner, don’t drop in that a friend on Facebook agrees with you. Keep your private conversations private. Be understanding. Try to understand what your partner finds so valuable about their online life. They may be receiving important support and advice from a forum or a WhatsApp group. Understanding this can help you make peace with the time they spend online. Talk about your feelings. If you feel neglected, say something. People often don't realise the impact of their behaviour, so a little nudge can be helpful to start the conversation. Remember to focus on your feelings, and not on your partner’s behaviour! Set an example. As a parent, you may be trying to limit your children’s screen time. Lead by example, and take your own eyes off the screen a bit more often. Your children are learning from you about how to have positive, healthy relationships – let them see you interacting in real life too.   References  [1] Chesley, N. (2005). Blurring Boundaries? Linking Technology Use, Spillover, Individual Distress, and Family Satisfaction. Journal of Marriage and Family, 67: 1237–1248. [2] Przybylski, A. K., & Weinstein, N. (2012). Can you connect with me now? How the presence of mobile communication technology influences face-to-face conversation quality? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(3), 237–246. [3] Hertlein, K., & Stevenson, A. (2010). The Seven “As” Contributing to Internet-Related Intimacy Problems: A Literature Review. Cyberpsychology: Journal of Psychosocial Research on Cyberspace, 4(1), article 3. Retrieved from https://cyberpsychology.eu/article/view/4230/3273
Article | parenting together, communication
“We just cannot talk without arguing”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My fella and I have been together for 8 years and have children together. Over the past 4 years we have be gradually been drifting apart with issues from work , neighbours from hell and me not sleeping. I have tried to talk to him, he just balls up into a hedgehog and blames me. We never do anything together not even talk and over the summer I decided for us to separate – the kids are in the middle watching us argue and its killing me. He is moving out on Friday and I'm the one crying, distraught and sad. He on the other hand is cold, angry and uncommunicative as usual. What has happened: I have been so open, honest and trying to keep a handle on this. What more could I have done and have I done the right thing. I am sad for him but why hasn't he made any effort! I need help.
Ask the community | communication, arguments
How to save your relationship yourself
This is a guest article written by marital therapist, Andrew G Marshall, a marital therapist and author. The views expressed in this article are not necessarily shared by Click or OnePlusOne.  Whenever I tell someone that they don't have to wait for their partner to commit to saving their relationship, I always get a quizzical look: “Doesn't it take two people to make a relationship work?” In over twenty-five years, working as a marital therapist, I've yet to meet a couple where the responsibility for getting into a mess is not pretty evenly spread. So, I have a lot of sympathy for people who're worried that this involves taking all the blame. It doesn't – just taking responsibility for your half. Instead of sitting around waiting or begging your partner to get with the programme, you can take control and break the deadlock. By changing your behaviour, you will be changing the whole dynamic in your relationship. Instead of the current downward spiral – where one nasty action sparks another – you can set up a positive circle where one kind one sparks another. Soon, your partner might notice the difference, soften and become more open to change. Here are five ways to move forward: 1. Look at your own contribution to the problem It’s much easier to complain about your partner's failings than look at your own. But step back and take a long look at what's been going on. When you cut away all the justifications, what do you regret doing? 2. Make a full apology I expect you've said ‘sorry’ many times before. Unfortunately, ’sorry’ can become a knee-jerk reaction or a way of buying peace (even if you don't really mean it). A full apology is different. It acknowledges both the unhelpful behaviour and the impact on the other person. For example: ‘I want to apologise that I haven't done more about around the house. It must have been exhausting for you and made you feel taken for granted’. Don't add an explanation (’I've had a lot of work on’) as this sounds like justification and lessens the power of the apology. 3. Ask yourself what you would like to change Hopefully your apology will have drawn a line in the sand and maybe even sparked a matching one from your partner. Don't worry if your partner remains sceptical. Imagine for a second, your partner has said: ‘Let's try again’, or, ‘Let's work on our relationship’. What would you do differently this time around? Instead of waiting for your partner, make those changes today. For example, listen more, help more with the children or approach problems more calmly. 4. Challenge your interpretation of what's happening between you We imagine there is a straightforward link between events and feelings. Your partner does not text and you feel unloved. However, it is more complex than that. Your reaction depends on our interpretation. For example, ‘he didn't text because he doesn't care’. No wonder you get upset. However, if the interpretation is, ‘he didn't text because his battery is flat’, the feelings might be irritation that he forgot to charge it. Equally, if your partner does not seem to have noticed your added efforts, challenge your interpretation. If it is ‘she truly doesn't really love me’, the response will be despair. If it ‘she is worried that I might slip back into the old ways, then the reaction might be to redouble your efforts. If you're not certain why partner behaved in a particular way, ask them rather than making assumptions. 5. Control your panic In my experience, more relationships fail after a declaration of ‘I love you but I'm not in love with you’ or infidelity because of the panic of the partner on the receiving end rather than the person who has fallen out of love. So, when you're feeling anxious, don't push for reassurance (as this only pushes your partner away) but go for a run, phone a friend or do some deep breathing exercises.
User article | saving it, communication
“My husband puts his family ahead of me”
I am at my wits end, I really need some guidance as I have exhausted all of my own resources to no avail. I married my husband two years ago and we now have an eight-month-old daughter. Our relationship has had consistent traits which I could manage before our daughter was born, but find myself unable to do so now. My husband always puts his family first. Our life has revolved around their needs for almost the entire relationship now, and become progressively more of an issue. I work from home, my father in law would come at least once a week to visit during working hours, he would talk and talk for 2-3 hrs and ignore my requests that I really DID need to get back to my work. My husband felt he was showing he cares about me. Our wedding was originally in New York, just the two of us. I did not want a family wedding for 2 reasons, I am divorced (my first husband defrauded £120K from me and then disappeared off the face of the earth, I was granted a divorce and am still repaying what emerged to be online gambling debts he fraudulently and without my knowledge secured against our home) and 2nd because, I wanted I our wedding to be about us, not his family, just us. Our wedding was in the end a large family wedding where every decision was made by his family, any attempt by me to ''push'' what I wanted was met with apocalyptic abuse and threats. I was to get ready for my wedding in a suite paid for by me, my husbands mother and two sisters arrived on my wedding morning and took over this suite, I did not even get to wash my hair. I could not do this the day before because my husbands sister who was a bridesmaid decided she no longer liked her gown, I therefore had to re-model it... my husbands view? they just wanted to share the day with me... On the birth of my daughter (who sadly was born premature, very low birth weight with various health problems and almost died before she was four months old) I struggled with my own extensive health problems (which were aggravated by the pregnancy) and the extreme worry for my daughter as none of the doctors could work out what was wrong with her. I was told that I would attend his sisters 31st birthday party when my daughter was five weeks old. I refused to take her at night to a restaurant when it was virtually impossible to breast feed her in perfect surroundings (she vomited up to 45 times a day - I was breastfeeding her for 90 minutes then taking a 60 minute break then a further 90 minutes - round the clock - as she vomited so much, she was losing weight and dehydrating to the point of being life threatening at least twice a week) she was in a lot of pain and would cry terribly after feeding. I felt it inappropriate to expect me to consent to a demand (not invitation) to bring my baby to a party under these circumstances. My husbands view - it was his sisters birthday and we should consider her feelings, she would be sad if her brother and niece were not there...? Thoughts anyone, advice???
User article | parenting together, values
“My girlfriend completely shuts down”
My girlfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years or so now. Things are very serious, and I definitely see myself marrying her someday. We love each other a lot and we barely fight. When we do, it's usually short-lived and we don't leave mad at each other. But on occasion, we do get into bigger fights. Today, we fought big time for the first time in a while. I explained to her why I was upset and annoyed with a particular situation. I told her why I was frustrated and exactly what I was frustrated about. She completely shut down, but was clearly upset. I kept trying to ask her what was wrong and why she was upset, but she continued to shut down. I kept trying to guess what was wrong, but I was so frustrated that I left after about 30-45 minutes of me begging her to talk to me and her literally saying nothing, but occasionally shrugging her shoulders. I didn't know how to fix the situation if she wasn't willing to talk. After I got home, she texted me a picture of some post that she saw online that explained her emotions exactly. It said: "I completely shut down when I'm upset and it is upsetting my partner. I won't talk or move I just kind of stare off into space and I am generally unresponsive. This is how my outside reacts. On the inside I am screaming at myself to move or do something but it is like my body just won't react. I want to talk to him about why I'm upset but it's like my body won't let me. He gets so mad when I won't respond but he just won't understand that I can't. I'm just so afraid that this could end our relationship and I don't want that to happen. I want to fix this." How can I work with her so we can both get what we want? Every time we fight, she will shut down because she is upset. I have no idea why she is upset and I can't help her. I'm forced to guess what is wrong and what is upsetting her, and usually I'm incorrect. I can't fix the original fight unless I know why she got upset, but she can't talk about it. How can I get her to express her concerns while being mindful of the fact that her body shuts down and won't let her talk to me when she's upset. Thanks.
Ask the community | communication, arguments
Eight tips to communicate with your ex
Article | parenting apart, co-parenting, communication
“He never wants to be intimate”
Hello everyone, I've been needing to get something off my chest for a long time now. It's something very personal and I can't bring myself to talk to anyone in my social circle or family, because I feel very embarrassed, neglected and as if something is wrong with me. I've been seeing my partner for about 10 months now. For context, I haven't had very many sexual partners as I've always been in committed relationships since my teens (and am now 24). My partner (28) on the other hand has had many sexual partners and has never been in a committed relationship before me, and would, I quote, "pump and dump". So a very big player who would just fuck around, pardon my language. At the beginning of the relationship, physically everything was great, we were both very into each other and would be intimate almost every time we saw each other. However, after four or five months of being together, the physical intimacy became much more scarce. He would never initiate, or say he was tired. I was the one always initiating and trying to be intimate, and they would just make up an excuse or laugh it off like a joke. I would try everything, wearing sexy lingerie while walking around the apartment, joining them in the shower, walking and lying around naked... And they would just either ignore it or react as if I was making a joke. And now it's gotten to a point where I'm too worried about rejection to even try anymore, and it's such a horrible feeling knowing that if I don't try, they'll never even bother to initiate (which is the sad reality). It's just feels so humiliating, that the person that's meant to love me and be attracted to me doesn't even want to touch me. He talks long term goals, including marriage, potentially having kids and buying property together, so I know he's not cheating on me and is very much attracted to me still. I am considered by societies standards as conventionally attractive, and receive a lot of attention from the opposite sex. But I don't get any from the person I love, and it makes me feel as if I'm disgusting or something is wrong with me. I feel so ashamed and humiliated, and am so worried because we're not even a year into our relationship and we're already having intimacy issues, and we're both a young couple who should theoretically be in their prime physically. There are also issues when we are intimate. I only climax from oral, not from penetrative sex. He said when we first started seeing each other, that he was a "selfless lover" and couldn't selfish if he wanted to be, because he got off on his partner getting off. And he couldn't get me to climax through regular sex, and I did tell them I could only climax through oral, and then he just gave up. He doesn't even try. In the 10 months we've been together, I can count the number of times he's gone down on me on one hand. And he always says how he "loves" how I taste and makes these remarks like "I can't wait for dessert" or something along those lines, but then never actually does it. So it makes me feel so dejected and as if I'm dirty and disgusting. I'm at a point where I don't know what to do anymore, I feel as though I've given up. Even going to bed, he doesn't cuddle and normally comes to bed after I've already fallen asleep.so I just end up crying myself to sleep. I don't know what to do anymore, I just feel so alone and dejected.
Ask the community | sex, communication, sexless
Improving your emotional intelligence
Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognise your own feelings and choose how you respond to them. This can allow you to take better control of the way you think and behave [1] and improve your communication skills by helping you to read other people’s emotions better [2]. Why emotional intelligence is good for your relationship Couples with strong emotional intelligence are more likely to be satisfied with their relationships [3]. The more aware you and your partner are of your own emotions, the easier it becomes to see things from each other’s points of view. This can help you feel closer, support each other better, and understand each other more [4]. Developing your emotional intelligence will help you communicate and resolve arguments more effectively. When you have a good understanding of how emotions work, you’ll find it easier to step back from a difficult conversation, examine the options, and look for ways to work towards a resolution [5]. How to improve your emotional intelligence The following tips can help you work on your emotional intelligence, allowing you to take charge of your emotions and improve your communication skills. 1. Learn to recognise your emotions  Developing your emotional intelligence starts with self-examination. Notice how you feel, particularly in times of stress or high emotion. Do you get angry easily, or sulk when you don’t get your way? What about other emotions – what does it feel like when you’re happy, confused, or bored? Check in with yourself from time to time and notice the way you experience different feelings. Without judgement, describe to yourself what you’re thinking and feeling. Notice the physical sensations as well as the thoughts in your head. Is your heart rate up or down? Is your mind racing or still? Are your muscles tense or relaxed? 2. Look behind your emotions Once you’re comfortable with the process of recognising your emotions, start to delve a little deeper and think about why you feel the way you feel. Is it because of what’s happening now, or are there other factors influencing you – perhaps something from the past, or an external factor like a work deadline or a lack of sleep? Check in on your emotions a few times a day, whether you feel good, bad or neutral. As you become more aware of the triggers that lead to certain emotions, you’ll find you can anticipate them, and even regulate them. This is an important step in learning to stay calm under pressure and composed during an argument. 3. Reflect on your behaviour Your thoughts and actions are intrinsically linked to your feelings. As you learn more about your feelings, expand your attention to notice how they affect your behaviour. Do you lash out when you’re angry? Do you leap to the defensive when you’re feeling hurt? Do you get single-minded when you’re under pressure? Remember that the ways you respond to different situations are the product of years of life experience. Try to observe your behaviour without judging it – this will make it easier for you to give yourself an honest account of what’s happening. Notice the links between your emotions, thoughts and actions, and see if you spot any familiar patterns. 4. Take responsibility Once you’re able to recognise the way you respond to your feelings, you can start to take more responsibility for your choices. Try to catch yourself before you react negatively to something, and see if you can make a different decision. This could be as simple as asking someone to clarify their meaning before you respond, or taking a break from something that’s irritating you. The more you practise this, the more you can start to choose how you respond to difficult situations and conversations. 5. Work on your empathy skills Understanding your own emotions will start to give you an insight into others’ emotions too. Being emotionally intelligent will not make you a mind reader, but it will give you a level of insight and understanding that can make you a much better communicator.The next time you are facing difficult feelings, try a quick check-in. Ask yourself: How am I feeling? What am I thinking? How is that making me behave?  You can’t stop yourself from feeling bad, but you can learn to make different choices when you do. References [1] Coleman, Andrew (2008). A Dictionary of Psychology (3 ed.). Oxford University Press. [2] Mayer, John D (2008). Human Abilities: Emotional Intelligence. Annual Review of Psychology. 59: 507–536.  [3] Brackett, M., Warner, R., & Bosco, J. (2005). Emotional intelligence and relationship quality among couples. Personal Relationships, 12(2), 197-212.  [4] Schröder-Abé, M., & Schütz, A. (2011). Walking in each other's shoes: Perspective taking mediates effects of emotional intelligence on relationship quality. European Journal of Personality, 25(2), 155-169.  [5] Zeidner, M., & Kloda, I. (2013). Emotional intelligence (EI), conflict resolution patterns, and relationship satisfaction: Actor and partner effects revisited. Personality And Individual Differences, 54(2), 278-283.
Article | communication, mental health
“Why was my wife upset?”
Last night, coming home from a day out (around 11.00pm) my wife and I had to take a bus that didn't take us all the way home. So we jumped off the bus, phoned a private hire and waited for it to arrive. To be honest it was only a 10-15 minute walk to the house, so we were being a bit lazy. Anyway my wife gets fed up and starts to walk up the road. As I didn't want to walk I waited for the taxi with the intention of picking her up as there is only one way home. I got in the taxi and as I was about to call my wife she called me shouting down the phone that I'd let her walk up the road on her own, I asked where she was and doubled back, eventually I saw her and get the driver to stop. She went ballistic! shouting and screaming at me for being a bastard as I let her walk on her own, then she started shouting at the taxi driver calling him all the names under the sun as well. I asked her to get in the taxi and she told me, and the driver, to "fuck off!". which I did. I apologised to the driver, I then went to out local and had a pint to allow her to get home and go to bed. Now I'm as mindful of women walking about on their own as he next person, but I think she completely over reacted and I especially was not at all happy at her shouting at the taxi driver. Shes now not talking to me, and I expect this to go on for days. The thing is am I in the wrong here? Was she right, should I have walked up the road instead of waiting to get the taxi to pick her up? If I'm out of line here I'll apologise but I don't think it was appropriate for her to scream and shout at me, and a total stranger... am I wrong?
User article | communication, arguments
“Court order issues”
Hi, I've never done this before and it it's my first time ever posting but i needed some advice. Me and my sons dad split when he was 3 months old and hes now 11 years old. We went to court over my son when he was 11months old and court orders were put in place. These were changed in 2010 and they are now for me to have my son unsupervised overnight one week and thursday til sunday the other week. Recently me and my new partner who i have been with for 2 and a half years had an arguement where he hit me, it wasnt expected and hes never done anything like this before but due to underlying issues at the time it did happen. It was reported to the police and we have since resolved this issue ourselves. Since the incident happened someone made a call to social services stating i threatened to self harm and overdose while i have my son. I do have mental health problems but my psychiatrist has been asking about finishing my outpatient care as he feels that now i have been off my medication and stable for 3years i no longer need the help i once did. Obviously the call to social services was a lie, they rang my sons dad to tell him of the complaint. He told me about the call and what was said. He has said about my partner being around our son. Now my partner would never harm my son or do anything that would cause him harm as he loves him like his own children. My sons dad has told me that should my partner come back he will stop my son coming down to my home. I know he will be in breach of the court orders as they state he is to be made available to me on the days stated. What can i do regarding this as i do not want to lose contact with my son over someones lies to social services.
User article | communication, arguments, physical abuse
How to be understood
Article | communication
“My husband has disconnected from me”
I feel selfish posting this, but I can't help but feel like I'm alone in my marriage. My husband is a good person and a decent provider, but he's not there for me emotionally. I know his work environment has gotten pretty toxic in the past year or so (his employer has been forcing older, more long-term employees out the door and hiring younger, cheaper help), and I know he worries about not making enough money if he were to leave and go somewhere less hostile (we would survive, we're not poor), and I have encouraged him to look elsewhere for a less stressful job, but he hasn't done anything about it. Because he is stressed about work all the time, he comes home every night, eats dinner and then either fiddles with his phone surfing the internet or he sits in front of the TV until he goes to bed. We never go anywhere together, unless it's the grocery store or some other mundane thing, we haven't taken a vacation in years, and he never wants to do anything. We have seen a marriage counselor before, but he only went a couple of times until he decided that I was depressed and should continue seeing the counselor alone. Yeah, I AM DEPRESSED because my husband isn't in our relationship. I guess the last straw was today, our 16th anniversary, and he came home from work and flopped down on the couch with his tablet. I purposely sat down with him and he ignored me for about an hour until he mumbled "Happy Anniversary" and went to the fridge to heat up leftovers for dinner. After he ate his leftovers, he watched TV and went to bed. It is my wedding anniversary and I'm sitting on the couch with my cat. I am so angry and sad and hurt by this behavior of my husband that I don't know what to do. When I try to talk to him about it, he either ignores me (the damn TV, the phone or the tablet) or he turns it around on me and complains about how bad his job is and how I have no idea what the working world is like these days. (Um, yeah, actually I do. I worked in corporate America for two decades until I left and started my own business two years ago, which wasn't exactly an easy thing to do, either.) Can someone please give me some advice? I'm so sad right now.
Ask the community | communication, mental health
One simple change to improve your sex life
Article | sex, communication
“Marriage breakup”
My husband of 15 years left me two months ago. Our relationship hasn’t been great and bad the last two months prior to him leaving. I love him so very much and want him back. Should I just give up? He keeps telling me he’s moved on and accepted we are over but gets jealous if I go out and wants to know who I am with. We have two children who are struggling to cope with their father home. I just want to try and fix this mess and get him back.
Ask the community | breakups, big changes
“Is she playing games with me?”
I met a wonderful girl two months ago , she is 10 years younger than me and I was over the moon as she is very attractive. I saw her on her day off at the beginning of the week but then, when the weekend arrived, she just disappeared, no texts or anything and when I text her then she telling me to stop annoying her as she got other issues in life , a day before her birthday she told me the first time that she loves me and she said that she will come over to mine so we will be together on her birthday , but then that was weekend , she never came , no texts , nothing at all , few days later she told me she got some personal issues and she is worry about lots of things , she even said that she didn't have drink on her birthday , but I seen photo on her facebook dating on her birthday , she was out , looking rough or drunk , taking pics with some guys cuddling up , not said anything but things goes always the same , when she is with me and drunk she declare her love for me but then she again stop texting and ignoring me , what do I do ? I don't want to loose an angel as she is something so special , never fancied anybody in my life like her but again is she just playing the games with me ??
User article | communication, cheating
Comments 0