When couples have sailed the love boat through the honeymoon phase and out the other side, it’s quite easy to forget about the small loving gestures that used to be automatic. But research has shown us that these loving and affectionate gestures can help couples resolve conflicts and improve relationship quality – which is what this site is all about. What you’re about to see is a list of some of the best ways to communicate love and affection - these came from a study where 4,000+ people shared the gestures that mattered to them the most. Then we’ll explain WHY they work. It’s not a check-list for you, but we do recommend that you look through and have a crack at some of them. Perhaps even print it off, mark down the ones you like, and see how you get on. Action 1 Send a text for no other reason than to say you’re thinking of your partner, or share something specific with them (like an article, a thread, or a GIF). Why?  Because the study showed that ‘touching base’ can be just as important and meaningful a way to show appreciation as long heart-to-heart conversations. Action 2 Say “thank you” for something you ordinarily wouldn’t. Maybe even something commonplace, like making you dinner. Why?  The study showed us that saying “thank you” was the most valued gesture. That sense of being appreciated and valued is something that many of us need – even if we’re not expressing it. It’s instant, it’s gratifying, and it requires no translation – yet it can be overlooked. Action 3 Write a love note and leave it somewhere for them to find (it doesn’t need to be a masterpiece). Why? Written forms of appreciation were popular in the study, and nobody cared about whether the words were neatly printed on a fancy personalised card or just jotted on a crumpled scrap of paper. The sentiment matters so much more than the presentation.  Action 4 Run a bath for your partner when they get in from work (maybe have the bath together). Why?  The gestures that gain the most appreciation are usually the silent ones – not the ones that shout “Hey, I did this really romantic thing for you, mwah!” Running a bath is a good one that shows you’ve anticipated their arrival, and you want them to feel comforted as they walk through the door. Action 5 Put the toothpaste on the toothbrush for them Why? In the study, it was revealed that partners doing “everyday routine tasks” like this were considered the most kind and considerate. Preparing their toothbrush is also subtle and shows that you’re thinking of your partner – even while brushing your teeth. Action 6 Next time you’re choosing a film, suggest something you know they want to watch. Why? This is another one of those quiet sacrifices that makes a partner feel like they’re being put first. Choosing a film you know they will like (in spite of your own preference) reflects an element of intimate knowledge – meaning the gesture will almost certainly be well-received. Action 7 Bring them a cup of tea in bed  Why? This is one of the all-time favourites. It silently conveys that you want their day to begin well. It helps them push through the haze of those first few waking minutes with something warm, comforting, and - most importantly – caffeinated. A cup of tea (or a cuppa if you prefer, how very British!) featured as the fourth highest form of appreciation and expression of love by women with children in this study. Interestingly, a cup of tea all by itself even won out over breakfast in bed, so hold the bacon. Action 8 Do the chore you know your partner hates most (e.g. vacuuming or cleaning the bathroom). Why? Doing a chore that your partner hates shows a certain sacrifice on your part, but it also contributes towards the smooth running of a household – and this was noted as a big deal for all participants. Action 9 Take over a task that they’re doing, just to give them a break. Why? During the study, women in particular said they really valued getting some time to themselves. Taking a task off your partner’s hands not only gives them a break, but also shows your appreciation by acknowledging that they deserve that break. Action 10 Tell them you love them and that you’re attracted to them. Why? Actually saying those three little words might seem a little monotonous but, for many people, it’s important to keep being told. Participants noted that the meaning and sincerity of the sentiment mattered a great deal, as well as demonstrations that reinforce that sentiment. Action 11 Massage their shoulders when they get stressed Why? Massages and foot rubs are selfless and intimate. It’s also worth remembering that when we touch someone, we are automatically being touched back (Gabb, 2011), so both parties are engaging in the moment. Giving a massage without being asked is a tacit acknowledgment on your part that you’re appreciative of their hard work and effort. Action 12 Sit with your partner, look them in the eye, and ask them how their day was – then do nothing but listen.  Why? Feeling listened to can make people feel cared for and supported – especially men. In the study, fathers noted it as being their second favourite way of being shown appreciation. Even if they’re not saying anything particularly relevant to you, don’t glaze over. Just respond and ask questions. Action 13 Greet your partner with a kiss when you see them. Why?  The key phrase here is ‘regular, intimate contact’. Although a daily routine like kissing your partner might seem mundane or even old-fashioned, the importance of regular intimate physical gestures was explicitly noted in the study. Also, it’s just nice when you’re partner is happy to see you. Humans can learn from our canine friends on this one – dogs are always excited to see you return, even if you only left for five minutes to hang up the washing. You may not have a tail to wag, but a meaningful kiss hello can go a long way. Now, let’s practice…  Hopefully, you’ve now got an idea of some small, intimate gestures to try. We recommend that you stick with them (even if it’s just one or two) and put them into action as soon as you can. It’s very easy for these things to be forgotten when life takes over, so it’s helpful to set clear, specific goals for yourself about what you can do and when you can do it. It may be best to start with one or two things that you want to try this very evening, like: “When I go home tonight, I’m going to avoid distractions and really listen to them”. Or you could set yourself a simple ongoing commitment, like: “When I get home from work/college/wherever every day, I’m going to greet my partner with a kiss before I do anything else”. Or even, “If I’m the first person to wake up in the morning, I’ll make them a tea or a coffee”. You might begin to see improvements in your relationship just by repeating some of these actions. By sticking to your plan, your intentions become practices, then practices become habits, and soon you’ll find it all comes a lot more naturally.  Of course, you don’t need to stick to the gestures and actions that we’ve listed here. Every couple is different, and by taking the time to notice what each other really appreciate, your gestures will become personalised and specific. Stay consistent and shake it up every now and again by introducing new actions.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognise your own feelings and choose how you respond to them. This can allow you to take better control of the way you think and behave [1] and improve your communication skills by helping you to read other people’s emotions better [2]. Why emotional intelligence is good for your relationship Couples with strong emotional intelligence are more likely to be satisfied with their relationships [3]. The more aware you and your partner are of your own emotions, the easier it becomes to see things from each other’s points of view. This can help you feel closer, support each other better, and understand each other more [4]. Developing your emotional intelligence will help you communicate and resolve arguments more effectively. When you have a good understanding of how emotions work, you’ll find it easier to step back from a difficult conversation, examine the options, and look for ways to work towards a resolution [5]. How to improve your emotional intelligence The following tips can help you work on your emotional intelligence, allowing you to take charge of your emotions and improve your communication skills. 1. Learn to recognise your emotions  Developing your emotional intelligence starts with self-examination. Notice how you feel, particularly in times of stress or high emotion. Do you get angry easily, or sulk when you don’t get your way? What about other emotions – what does it feel like when you’re happy, confused, or bored? Check in with yourself from time to time and notice the way you experience different feelings. Without judgement, describe to yourself what you’re thinking and feeling. Notice the physical sensations as well as the thoughts in your head. Is your heart rate up or down? Is your mind racing or still? Are your muscles tense or relaxed? 2. Look behind your emotions Once you’re comfortable with the process of recognising your emotions, start to delve a little deeper and think about why you feel the way you feel. Is it because of what’s happening now, or are there other factors influencing you – perhaps something from the past, or an external factor like a work deadline or a lack of sleep? Check in on your emotions a few times a day, whether you feel good, bad or neutral. As you become more aware of the triggers that lead to certain emotions, you’ll find you can anticipate them, and even regulate them. This is an important step in learning to stay calm under pressure and composed during an argument. 3. Reflect on your behaviour Your thoughts and actions are intrinsically linked to your feelings. As you learn more about your feelings, expand your attention to notice how they affect your behaviour. Do you lash out when you’re angry? Do you leap to the defensive when you’re feeling hurt? Do you get single-minded when you’re under pressure? Remember that the ways you respond to different situations are the product of years of life experience. Try to observe your behaviour without judging it – this will make it easier for you to give yourself an honest account of what’s happening. Notice the links between your emotions, thoughts and actions, and see if you spot any familiar patterns. 4. Take responsibility Once you’re able to recognise the way you respond to your feelings, you can start to take more responsibility for your choices. Try to catch yourself before you react negatively to something, and see if you can make a different decision. This could be as simple as asking someone to clarify their meaning before you respond, or taking a break from something that’s irritating you. The more you practise this, the more you can start to choose how you respond to difficult situations and conversations. 5. Work on your empathy skills Understanding your own emotions will start to give you an insight into others’ emotions too. Being emotionally intelligent will not make you a mind reader, but it will give you a level of insight and understanding that can make you a much better communicator.The next time you are facing difficult feelings, try a quick check-in. Ask yourself: How am I feeling? What am I thinking? How is that making me behave?  You can’t stop yourself from feeling bad, but you can learn to make different choices when you do. References [1] Coleman, Andrew (2008). A Dictionary of Psychology (3 ed.). Oxford University Press. [2] Mayer, John D (2008). Human Abilities: Emotional Intelligence. Annual Review of Psychology. 59: 507–536.  [3] Brackett, M., Warner, R., & Bosco, J. (2005). Emotional intelligence and relationship quality among couples. Personal Relationships, 12(2), 197-212.  [4] Schröder-Abé, M., & Schütz, A. (2011). Walking in each other's shoes: Perspective taking mediates effects of emotional intelligence on relationship quality. European Journal of Personality, 25(2), 155-169.  [5] Zeidner, M., & Kloda, I. (2013). Emotional intelligence (EI), conflict resolution patterns, and relationship satisfaction: Actor and partner effects revisited. Personality And Individual Differences, 54(2), 278-283.